Why won't my parents help out care for her mum . What can we do

[Fishies]

Hello so sorry if this is a long post.
Where do I start-My 78 year old nan has a chronic lung condition im not too familiar what it's called but she's got really bad now she's on constant oxygen hardly eats and gets out of breath very very easily she doesn't go out she finds it difficult just to walk a few feet she's not doing great in the slightest.

My aunt(her daughter) lives with her and has done for the last 10 years after the death of my grandad he had psp dementiaParkinsons and was very very ill and they were both the carers. Anyway so my aunt lives with my nan and is the carer for nan, aunt doesn't have great health herself and has admitted now she's really struggling and needs help .

They have just been refered tpalliative care and the nurseshave came in to make sure nan has what she needs but these are not carers that come in all the time to help. Shes also get physio coming along with some other people .My aunt wants carers but apparently there is none avaliable.i belive its because she's the carer the council arnt interested.

So she's asked my parents (nans other daughter and son in law) for help there response was well we have our own lifes to live ! WHAT on earth do my parents do they don't work there both retired with lots of money behind them for adventures they really do not have commitments.

(I have 2 young twins who are in school i would say that is more of a commitment)

Anyway its apparently came to an agreement between them that my mum who doesn't drive and relies on dad for transport and she just refuses to get any public transport anywhere will go over there twice a week to help with washing nan along with my aunt.
I don't see that as helping at all to be honest as its still my aunt that needs to help. Where's my aunt life which she has very little she has no friends in our area really apart from my family and my parents to rely on.

My dad is a control freak he has to control everything and get his nose in .
So I have offered to go over there and clean for them/stay with nan if my aunt needs to go out when my kids are at school. Dads got involved with this saying its not morally right and its a long walk, its 30 minute's not long at all !!
I don't mind at all it would give me a routine when the kids are at school and me and my husband have offered to make a few dinners for them we could take over also really not an issue.

I found out this yesterday about my parents not willing to help ive not spoken to them yet about it but im so so angry it's so selfish and its like the same situation all over again that happend with my grandad when they wouldn't help out because of work commitments. It doesn't help my nan and aunt live in a lot of clutter they are hoarders and buy totally unnecessary things or keep things for ever . My parents hate it and that doesn't help the situation as there constantly telling them to clear stuff out. I don't agree with it but its also their stuff

Anyway I'm rambling but basically whats your thoughts please on this whole situation I hope I've given enough insight and what can I offer more to help them out
Nan won't pay out for anything even though she's got the money and thinks stuff should be free very old fashioned in her ways so private carers isn't going to happen nor would care homes be something there going to look into.
Thank you for reading

If she has the funds she needs to pay for it, its not down to family to pick up caring duties if they don't wish to. Sounds like your aunt put alot on hold to care for your grandparents. I remember my aunt saying I'd care for her when she got older when i was alot younger, think young adult.I wouldn't give up my income and family life to care her as awful as it sounds she's lots of money I'd expect her to use that.

@msbevvy

Whilst it would be nice if your parents would help a big part of the problem is your Nan's refusal to pay for carers when you say she can afford it. Maybe your parents think that she should be doing this, hence the reluctance to get involved.

This doesn't excuse their attitude though, especially your father trying to stop you from helping when you're quite happy to do so.

Your Nan must have had a terrible time looking after her husband for all those years, PSP is an awful illness.

And your poor Aunt deserves all the support she can get.

Thank you for your comment. And I just wanted to reply yes nan had a rough time with grandad but was committed to the end and they never once put him into respite care or a home . I am so proud of my grandad despite him being so poorly and effectively non existence at the end .After he past he donated his Brain to the research center . He was one of very few people who had all 3 disease at once it was horrible

It’s such a shame people see using respite as some sort of failure. It’s got to be healthier for all involved for the carer to get some sort of break,

I’m not going to be a carer for my parent. I will handle logistics and accounts. I will visit. I am not however going to be the person who provides the actual care. I have very good reasons for this.

That your Aunt has agreed to martyr herself is not your parents responsibility. Round the clock care really can’t be accomplished by just a couple of people long term. It certainly can’t be accomplished by one.

Professional carers exist for a reason. Good ones will actual make things better for your grandmother. They are better trained and will be able to provide care in ways that minimize pain and discomfort.

That's a good thing that he did. Hopefully it will help others in the future.

There should be more publicity about brain donations and how it can help with research into diseases that are at the moment incurable.

I don't have one of these conditions but I have arranged for my "healthy" brain to go to the Parkinson's disease brain bank when I die. They need "normal" brains to compare with those that have died from theses diseases.

I think your parents are being selfish, and know it - that's why they don't want you helping, it makes them look bad.

Assuming you don't work and are free during school hours then it's a nice, normal thing to do to help with your nan's care and give your aunt a break. Ignore your selfish parents and help your aunt.

@NinaBallerinaShoes

Caring for an elderly relative is a huge commitment and I don’t blame your parents for not getting involved. Your Nan has money to pay for professional help. Try and persuade her to spend it now to enable her to stay in her home. As she becomes more frail and vulnerable, there will come a time when she will either be admitted to hospital and then moved to a care home - or her carers will do a risk assessment and advise 24 care in a suitable home.

Really? You think it is ok to turn your back on family who need help? Yes, the nan has to spend her money and get in professional help, but the selfishness of refusing to help because it is a huge commitment is breath taking.

I think you can offer your own help (and should only offer what is sustainable) but you can't expect others to. We make our own relationships and our own choices.

I’d help out where you can, but have boundaries. It may be that professional care is both necessary and more beneficial for everyone.

See the gp - say your aunt is getting old and would need help with more physical aspects of personal care - sounds like you might need 1-2carers once daily for washing/dressing? I’d encourage your nan to get a cleaner once weekly so you can spend some time chatting to her or occasionally taking kids around for short periods (if she enjoys seeing them).

You can’t do anything about your parents. Don’t get angry with them but try and avoid discussing it with them.

Social services will definitely be able to organise care if her needs are such, but even then she'll have to pay for it. It sounds like this, rather than lack of available carers, is the issue.

She needs to pay and get this sorted out. What's the money for if not to support her and ease the burden on her family at a time like this?

Thank you all for your comments i have just read them all . Lots of things to think about

Agree with my PP here, its not reasonable to expect your parents to provide significant levels of care, especially if your Nan can afford to pay for help.

Just because your parents don't work or have commitments doesn't mean they should spend their time doing a very hard job (in not very nice conditions there is horading) on an ongoing basis. To help out in an emergency, e.g. no carers available due to sickness is one thing, but ongoing care isn't fair on them.

Sounds like your Aunt needs to step away from some of the caring to look after her own health, and then maybe social services will get more involved.

Expecting family to provid high levels of daily care on an ongoing basis, rather than use professionals isn't fair imho, your aunt and parents are entitled to their own lives.

My nans died I've just found out she's collapsed this morning 😭😭😭😭 i feel terrible now all the help I've offered is now too late

So, so sorry to read this.

Really sorry OP

You had offered, you had tried. Don't feel bad. Your parents may regret their lack of such offers.

Maybe now you can help your aunt build a life for herself outside caring. It will be a massive shock to her.

So sorry OP. It was really lovely for you to have thought about ways you could help. I’m sure your aunt would also benefit from your help and support now.

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss, I know you were worried about her when you posted.