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Caring for elderly relatives? Supercarers can help

Original poster

Social services say gran has to go in a home ..what now?

28 replies

onestepat · 16/05/2020 20:55

My gran is nearly 99.
I'm 34 and have looked after her for the last 15 years.
She broke her hip 3 weeks ago.
I thought she was coming home with care assistants popping in to assist.
Social services have now told me that she needs 24 hour care.
She has to go in a home.
They didn't ask me ..they told me.
I feel so upset.
I feel like a failure
I feel like I've let her down.
I've seen her every day since I was 10 (except for 1 holiday a year )
Why couldn't they try the carer thing.

OP posts:
GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 16/05/2020 21:04

Is you nan capable of coming home would she be safe are things accessible to her does she need nursing care? Ultimately would she be better off in a home? Does she have mental capacity?

Original poster
onestepat · 16/05/2020 21:08

She has no capacity now.
She has dementia and gets confused/distressed.
She struggles to walk but I'm there all day every day.
I get her up,put her to bed.
I thought that would be enough.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/05/2020 21:10

Will you be able to insist on one close enough that you can see her every day?
It might allow you to have some sort of life. I can imagine this is really hard for you though.

cabbageking · 16/05/2020 21:11

How did she manage to break her hip?

This would be part of their deliberations?

Were you living with her and there at night?

june2007 · 16/05/2020 21:12

What does she need? Could she have sheltered accommodation, care home or does she need a nursing home. (more likely due to dermentia?) Find thiss out they you know what you need to look for. Also look at who is paying, private is generally better then state but can you/she afford it.
Def need talking to SS. Is it permenant or temporary. (eg for convelecsence.)

gamerchick · 16/05/2020 21:13

OP I remember your other thread. This was always going to be the best solution... For her. You couldn't cope on your own and they don't think carers coming in is enough. Shell probably be a lot happier. You said yourself when she's at home she's asking to go home. This way she's got round the clock care and company. You can still visit.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 21:15

Ah op, if she’s no capacity they are doing what’s best for her, and that’s what you want right? I know it’s sad for you but you’ve not failed her at all.

Have you been full time caring for her? Do you live with her?

Notapheasantplucker · 16/05/2020 21:15

Oh that's so heartbreaking Sad
In no way have you let her down! And you are definitely not a failure.
You've cared for her for so long and that's amazing.
I have no advice about the care home as I really don't know how it all works, but hopefully someone comes along soon to help.
I really feel for you OP, sorry you're going through thisFlowers

helpfulperson · 16/05/2020 21:17

It's not a failure on your part at all. That it's only come to this now is testament to your amazing care. With a broken hip its likely that she needs two people to hoist her for basic care and this may be many times a day to keep her clean, comfortable and free from bed sores. I know its particularly hard right now when you may be not be able to visit but from experience if there was any way to keep her at home they would be doing that.

ZaZathecat · 16/05/2020 21:18

With the best will in the world you can't be awake 24 hours a day to make sure she's safe. An alternative could be having night sitters, maybe you could ask the sw.

RaininSummer · 16/05/2020 21:19

Bless you for looking after her so well til now. As above, try to get a home where you can visit although I guess at the moment that may be hard. When my Dad was in a home we were able to visit whenever we wanted within reason. I don't think they move people to homes without good reason and it sounds a lot for you to do alone. I remember my Dad's consultant saying to my Mum, that they would take the hard parts away and leave her to enjoy nice times with him.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 21:20

Ah I’ve just read your other threads op, she could not live alone, not at this age, with no capacity and recovering from a hip replacement. Even Carers coming in twice a day wouldn’t have cut it.

I think they’ve made the right decision, she will be well cared for don’t worry and you’ve done your job so well, it couldn’t have been done better, you’ve not failed her at all.

Madratlady · 16/05/2020 21:20

Does she need specialist equipment now, hoist, hospital bed, 2 staff to move her, assist with toilet/continence needs? Is she now a high(er) falls risk due to her dementia making her forget that she’s less able than she was? Does she need care during the night too (repositioning to prevent pressure sores for example)? If she needs someone available constantly it’s a huge amount of pressure on you, especially if you have other commitments at all such as work or children, it may be that she needs more care than one person can give her and more than carers could realistically provide.

Original poster
onestepat · 16/05/2020 21:49

Thanks everyone for your understanding.
They've said she needs someone to take her to the toilet now,they've said she has lost her confidence with walking.
She cry's if they try and shut her door and she doesn't like to be alone.
She thinks the carers are me.
The social worker said I would have to be in her house 22 hours a day and it wasn't a option.
They said she wouldn't be able to manage on her own once I leave her.
I don't live with her,I live 5 mins away.
She is my life.
Everything has always revolves around looking after her.
She's like my mum to me.
So many happy times together.
I don't know what I'm gonna do without her.

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepat · 16/05/2020 21:54

I was told I need to look for a home with 24 hour residential and EMI placements
(I don't know what that is tbh )

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepat · 16/05/2020 21:56

@Bluntness100 I have been looking after her full time yes.
8 am then going home 7pm but popping to supermarket etc in between.
The last few months I've hated leaving her as she would get upset.
I didn't know what to do for the best.
I felt like if I asked for help I would look like I couldn't be bothered to care for her.
Then she broke her hip and the decision was taken from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
onestepat · 16/05/2020 21:58

@Madratlady she does have 2pressure sores on left side.
She needs assistance for toilet and prompting to eat.
I would give her meals etc and she ate fine at home.

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 16/05/2020 22:11

This is so heartbreaking to read Sad
No one would think you couldn't be bothered, not at all!
It's such a hard job to care for someone 24/7 and like I said in my previous post, you've really done amazing to care for your Gran for so long.
Reading your replies, it does sound like she would be better in a home now with 24/7 care.
It is truly heartbreaking, you've done your very best for her OP.

cabbageking · 16/05/2020 22:20

Homes cater for a range of people. You need to search for homes caring for elderly mental illness patients. Chose one you can easily access so you can visit daily. You may find you will sleep better because she has care at night. It will free you to provide companionship without worry.

CrazylazyJane · 16/05/2020 22:21

What a horrible situation. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and found it utterly heartbreaking when my Nan had to be taken in to care. They have given you so much, now it's your turn to be there for her... and you have. I made peace with my conscience and heart by visiting each home that was on the list and visiting every day. I even tried to vary when I turned up so that if she wasn't being looked after, I could catch them out.

My Nan had good and bad days but hand on heart it was the best place for her, looking back.

helpfulperson · 16/05/2020 22:21

Asking for help doesnt mean you cant be bothered, it means you care enough to make sure she gets the care she needs. You have done so well but now is the time to let others help. I'm guessing from your posts there isn't any other family?

Its crap but many of us have been there.

Madratlady · 20/05/2020 15:12

EMI is specialist dementia care. From what you’ve said it’d be really difficult for one person to meet her care needs, especially as those needs will only increase. It’s not failing to accept that. It’d feel so much worse to be unable to meet her needs and for her to deteriorate because you just can’t do enough without anyone to help. You’ve done amazingly to manage this far but I can’t tell you how many families I met when working with the elderly who were at the end of their rope but felt like they’d be failing to admit the were no longer managing or guilty for considering a move to a home.

A good home will have pleasant surroundings, nice staff to chat to her, other residents for company and organised activities suitable for people with different abilities. If she’s a sociable person she might enjoy that? Once visits are allowed again you can still visit daily and you can take her out and about while but without the pressure.

Sirzy · 20/05/2020 15:17

If she is at the point where she is in need of EMI care then that isn’t something anyone could provide on their own in the home. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone involved.

Find the right home, get her settled and then you can go back to being a loving grandaughter not a full time carer

pilates · 20/05/2020 15:18

Firstly, can I say what a wonderful person you are to have looked after your nan for so long. It must be heartbreaking for you but it sounds like it’s got to that stage where it would be in everyone’s best interest. Social Services don’t make these decisions lightly as they prefer them to be in their own home for as long as possible.

Alsohuman · 20/05/2020 15:21

Sweetheart, hard though I know it is, it’s the best thing for her. She’ll get 24/7 care and she’ll be safe. The hardest part will be not being able to visit for the moment. I went to see my parents every day in their care home, hopefully it won’t be long before you can too.

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