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Carers

Caring for elderly relatives? Supercarers can help

Original poster

Here we go again :(

37 replies

MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 14:11

My dad 79 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's six years ago, he also has an enlarged heart and emphazema [sp?] He has rapidly deteriorated in the last six months, not washing, eating properly. The last time he was hospitalised, the age related team didn't asses him!

There is really only myself and my sister that are his main carers but and I feel terribly guilty about this but now he has got to the stage where he is wetting the bed but wn't let us clean up.

My sister has just phoned me to say that she has phoned the gp, it's not even his own gp, whom he hasn't seen for yonks but a doctor on call and the last time a gp came he was reluctant to sign dad in, eventually we got another doctor on call to persuade dad to go voluntarily, at that time it was his piles, it's the same again but now he seems to be incontinent too.

The professor the last time said it wuld be event driven, we said apart from the million other things going wrong that we were concerned that he could drop a ciggerette and set fire to the house, his response, "The fumes would probably kill him first, he probably wouldn't suffer!

He has missed his last three appts with the hospital, he won't leave the house and we are not getting any support. I'm sorry I know there is nothing anyone can do or say but I just need to rant. I'm sitting here waiting for the call from my sister to say gp is on the way.

I know what's on the way, dad being agressive, hospital doing their usual patch up and send him home routine. I'm sorry I'm rambling and this post is all over the place. I'm sitting here in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 14:32

My sister is now saying that if he is hospitalised she is going to refuse to take him home. I just want to crawl into a hole. Also my dad used to beat me quite severly as a child and I'm terrified he's going to lash out at me when I go over.

OP posts:
Baffy · 08/08/2007 14:34

Couldn't read an not post

I think you're amazingly strong and despite how you feel now I think you are coping fantastically well with this

{{{hugs}}}

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 14:41

Thanks Baffy, it's just so frustrating watching him like this and not having adequate support, we were promised the hospital would look into getting a male nurse to come in to wash him but that never materialised. It's like every time he goes into hospital there's a meeting and a social worker says this, a doctor says that, plans and promises are made but nothing happens.

OP posts:
meandmy · 08/08/2007 14:46

they will have to assess him at the hospital,
alot of men your dads age tend to get piles and incontinence alongside prostate problems.
whilst he is at the hospital tell the staff that you your sis and your dad are not coping they will give him an ot assessment you may get a proper carers or they may suggest a home or day centre.
good luck and hugs

mumto2nuttybells · 08/08/2007 14:48

SURELY AS YOUR DAD IS IN NO FIT STATE OF MIND YOU OR YOUR SISTER SHOULD BE ABLE TO SIGHN FOR ANT TREATMENT HE NEEDS

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 14:53

You'd think but no, not in Ireland anyway. We have just been passed from pillar to post.

OP posts:
Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 14:56

meandmy, that's just it, the last time he was in hospital, he was in an age related ward but they only assesed him physically! We are at our wits end.

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Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 15:26

A quick update.

The gp on call was supposed to phone us when he was on the way, he didn't! Thankfully dad's home help was there when he arrived. The home help told us he didn't even examine dad but has written a letter for the hospital saying to bring him to A&E and get blood tests done.

My sister has said she has to wait until her dh comes in from work to decide what to do next. I'm on my own with my ds 6 and explained to her that I've no ne to mind ds and that if we need to go to the hospital can her ds 14 mind him? She was evasive and went back to saying she'd see what to do when her dh comes home.

I don't drive, I don't have anyone to take ds and yet I know my sister is pissed off, well guess what so am fucking I! Fuck it fuck it fucik it.

OP posts:
TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:06

M - I don't have anything in the way of advice, etc, but I just want to let you know I'm listening..

TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:08
Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:08

Thanks T

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Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:10

I'm sitting here in tears but your silly dance has lifted my spirits.

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Carmenere · 08/08/2007 16:12

Mhamai that sounds appalling and I am truly sorry for your horrible situation. Is residential care out of the question?

TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:13

The toughest thing is the lack of real help from the professionals and family

You are doing all you can.

You're a good daughter.

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:18

The last time he was in hospital we pleaded with the professor to place him but the professor was adamant that he was not critical enough! You know I can't think of the couples name in question but there was a woman convicted of manslaughter last year in Wexford because of her mother's deteriation.

This is the way it's heading with dad and yet the hospital are telling us that it can take up to eight admissions before someone is finally put in a home. They basically told us that he will probably have a stroke/ heart attack before he gets a home, or "event driven" as the professor called it.

OP posts:
TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:21

Are there any organisations that you could approach for independant advice/help?

Carmenere · 08/08/2007 16:22

That is a bloody disgrace The alzheimers society have a carers support group, would it be worth going along because if nothing else they may know strategies to help have him admitted before he has to harm himself.

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:23

T I'm not a good daughter, sometimes I can't face him because he has regressed so much and I feel so angry because when he's agressive it just brings back what he did to me years ago, then I feel guilty. I know I love him and am working so hard to forgive him but I just wish the professionals would give us more support.

The other family members don't want to know and at times I feel like screaming at my sister as I'm the only other one weighing in but I'm restricted in what I can do. Sorry I'm just venting here and thanks everyone for being so kind.

I have to go now and get some shopping in. I'll update later.

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Peachy · 08/08/2007 16:24

Oh poor you

My friend is goingt hrough this albeit slightly differntly- she and her sister have joint 'care' of their dad, every time he goes into a home (he doesnt know who he is, is incontinent etc) her sister discharges him- except that Sister is schizophrenic and alcoholic, so then just dumps him back on friends doorstep and the palce is lost.

Is there a version of the carers association in Irelan I wonder?

Peachy · 08/08/2007 16:25

yes there is

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:29

Oh Peachy thanks for the link. We did phone the Alxheimer's society in Ireland when he was first diagnosed but were reluctant to go to meetings back then as we didn't want to hear the possible horror stories that lay ahead for us but the way it is at the moment we are ging to have to get help somehow because this is destryoing us.

OP posts:
TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:30

M - you will find a way through and you are doing all you can.

If you need to off-load you have all of us to turn to.

Original poster
MhamaiJane · 08/08/2007 16:31

Thanks T x

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Peachy · 08/08/2007 16:33

I know its harsh, but what my aprents did when I was born (they were caring for my mentally ill Aunt, who had discharged herself and was forever taking overdoses / known for giving poison to kids- the SS said they's take ME if she was present but wouldn't help with HER [angey] )
was to simply walk into SS and leave her there.

Harsh but sadly, necessary

TnOgu · 08/08/2007 16:36

I've heard of that happening too, Peachy.

Hard thing to do, but the help isn't coming and people are driven to despair.

It's so frightening.

The weak and vulnerable and those that care for others should get so much more help and support.

We all get old.