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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

My Mum has been dying for a long time and we need this to come to an end…

51 replies

mamalama89 · 10/05/2026 08:12

I know this sounds incredibly harsh and cold but stay with me…

My Mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. Since then she has undergone lots of treatment. In November last year she was told there was nothing more they could do. Since then she has declined and is now mostly bed bound.

In the last 3 months I have lost count of how many times we have thought ‘this is it’. What makes it more difficult is that she lives in Spain so logistically it’s hard to go back and forth.

At this point, we are all emotionally and physically exhausted, most importantly she is too as she has no quality of life right now.

i know some people will think this is cold and heartless but until you have lived something similar it’s so difficult to explain. Has anyone experienced anything similar, where someone lingers for so long and declines so slowly?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 10/05/2026 08:18

I really feel for you. I've had experience with a parent having dementia for many years, plus strokes, so not the same but it is absolutely exhausting.

Disturbia81 · 10/05/2026 08:27

I feel for you so much, and no it’s not cold. It’s a horrific state of limbo. I lost my family to cancer and I’m so relieved they went quickly for everyones sakes. For her to be told that in November but still be here is unusual. Sending a big hug

Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2026 08:32

This is why Ive planned Switzerland for myself and have the money in a separate account. Im sorry OP its so hard. I was a nurse for 25 years and for myself just want a quick end when the time comes if possible.

Didimum · 10/05/2026 08:34

It’s not cold. This turmoil benefits absolutely no one, least of all your mother.

Rasell · 10/05/2026 08:37

I feel for you, too. It must be terrible to watch someone you love slowly fade away and to have your own life put on hold. Most people would feel the same...how could anyone see their parent suffer, have no quality of life and no chance of getting better and not want them to be at peace? Sending you & your poor mum a big hug x

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 10/05/2026 08:38

I think it’s so sad and I feel for you so much. My DM was very old when she got cancer. She did go downhill very quickly because it wasn’t treated. Extremely difficult at 100. However her last 2 years were not great and it certainly made me wonder repeatedly about the value of living when life isn’t worth living. I’m cross that lucid sensible adults cannot make decisions about their own lives. It’s not cold to wish an end to suffering - it’s kind and caring. I wish you and your DM all the best.

DuskOPorter · 10/05/2026 08:46

Yes we have had it in our family.

Your words are absolutely not cold. The level of physical and emotional demand cannot be adequately articulated.

Your feelings and your experience are entirely valid. I’m so sorry you are all going through this. You have my upmost sympathy.

Fsfs · 10/05/2026 08:56

It’s not cold. I watched my absolutely beloved and fantastic mum die from cancer 2 months ago. She was in such a terrible state that she needed to die. We need assisted dying. Whether here or in Spain.

Fibrous · 10/05/2026 08:59

My friend went through this recently. A father with advanced cancer that dragged on for years longer than the doctors said it would, it was so hard on her mum and the rest of the family. He couldn’t eat or even swallow very well for the last year. Fortunately they are in Australia and the assisted dying bill was brought in. He went that route and my friend said it was very peaceful and they were all very grateful.

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 10/05/2026 09:09

Sorry to hear what you're going through OP. I completely understand. My dad died a few weeks ago. He had about 6 weeks from diagnosis and only really a few days where we just wanted it over. Hanging on helps no one. But that last week was horrific.

There's not much I can say to help, but just know that you feel like this because you love your mum so much.

shockthemonkey · 10/05/2026 09:10

I’ve had similar, the decline was less drawn out than in your case… but a greater distance was involved (ten hours of flights to reach her). My mum kept asking for a pill to speed things up. In the end she just stopped eating and I think she starved herself to death rather than dying from her illness. What you feel is totally normal and not selfish. I’m very sorry.

Miranda65 · 10/05/2026 09:13

It's not heartless, it's completely normal. You will almost certainly feel an overwhelming feeling of relief when she dies.
We all need to understand that death isn't necessarily the worst thing that can happen to a person.

ShipshapeShore · 10/05/2026 09:15

My MIL just wouldn't let go at the end. It was awful. I completely understand - it is draining and intense and all sorts of horrible things. It is a strange feeling to sort of want someone to die but when there is no quality of life and you want peace for them... it's hard.

PermanentTemporary · 10/05/2026 09:15

Oh it’s an awful stage. I’m so sorry. No real advice, just saying that it is horrible and I think every one of the calls to the deathbed we got ended up taking a few months off my own life expectancy.

TheLivelyAzureHedgehog · 10/05/2026 09:16

It’s not cold or heartless and I don’t know why anyone would think it is. You want someone you love to stop being frightened and in pain, with no cure in site. That’s when we put animals out of their misery. We should give people the same option.

ShipshapeShore · 10/05/2026 09:17

Half my post disappeared...

My DH found counselling helpful afterwards. It all took its toll on him and he struggled with lots of different feelings and emotions as the whole thing had been so awful. Please look after yourself. Thinking of your family.

VisitingInkMonitor · 10/05/2026 09:19

Not heartless at all OP - we had similar with my FIL. My SIL lives overseas and had to come back urgently 3 times as we were told that was it, when it turned out it wasn’t. Her employer was very understanding but it was very stressful for her. FIL hung on for so long it took on an almost humorous quality where we became convinced he must have something very important to tell us. As is often the way, he died when everyone had gone home to freshen up and have some food. It’s a very strange time but your reaction is normal. Good luck.

morningtrain · 10/05/2026 09:22

I’m in exactly the same situation as you today. 3.5yrs we’ve navigated this. The spikes in stress, the not knowing.. the dark shadow over everything. And the fear. It’s so so hard. Sending love & support. It’s awful, yet comforting to know so many others are treading the same path.

LovelyAnd · 10/05/2026 09:22

Not in the least heartless, OP.💐

Thechateau · 10/05/2026 09:23

I understand OP. It's terrible when this happens.

morningtrain · 10/05/2026 09:23

Miranda65 · 10/05/2026 09:13

It's not heartless, it's completely normal. You will almost certainly feel an overwhelming feeling of relief when she dies.
We all need to understand that death isn't necessarily the worst thing that can happen to a person.

This. Shifting our mindsets is all we can do.

Clearinguptheclutter · 10/05/2026 09:25

It’s not cold or heartless to think this

sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope peace comes soon for you all.

BlueLegume · 10/05/2026 09:25

@mamalama89 not cold or heartless at all. You are saying out loud what many of us are either going through or have experienced. Not cancer in the case of my elderly father but over 3 years now of him being hospitalised and then moving him into a nursing facility because he needs the care. He is well fed and entertained but has no quality of life. He has if anything perked up and since plateaued over the past 18 months. He is on a huge amount of medication, is doubly incontinent, but is simply hanging in there. Everything is done with kindness but at times it feels like he is simply being kept alive.

There are some good threads over on the Elderly Parents board where you will find lots of solidarity and support, for the most part. 💐

FeelingSadToday1 · 10/05/2026 09:28

It’s so hard and not at all heartless. My mum lived for 10 years after being given 3 months to live. She was Ok for a few years but the last 3 or 4 she had no life. We also had multi calls for the end and then she’d recover. When she finally died (heart attack and not even the cancer) it was an incredible relief.

MakeTheMostOfEveryDogDay · 10/05/2026 09:33

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. I lived through this with an elderly parent who got told she had 6 months left and then lived another 4 years. I was honestly the most depressed I have ever been in my whole life. It was physically and mentally some kind of torture. Living in a horrible limbo and also the anticipatory grief. I am two and half years past it all and I am still recovering (no joke). I was their full time carer and it honestly almost broke me.

The only advice I can give you is the person WILL die. Probably when you have stopped expecting it. The only thing I felt when I got the call was total, utter relief. Huge hugs to you. It's a very, very trying time.