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Original poster

My Mum has been dying for a long time and we need this to come to an end…

51 replies

mamalama89 · 10/05/2026 08:12

I know this sounds incredibly harsh and cold but stay with me…

My Mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. Since then she has undergone lots of treatment. In November last year she was told there was nothing more they could do. Since then she has declined and is now mostly bed bound.

In the last 3 months I have lost count of how many times we have thought ‘this is it’. What makes it more difficult is that she lives in Spain so logistically it’s hard to go back and forth.

At this point, we are all emotionally and physically exhausted, most importantly she is too as she has no quality of life right now.

i know some people will think this is cold and heartless but until you have lived something similar it’s so difficult to explain. Has anyone experienced anything similar, where someone lingers for so long and declines so slowly?

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 10/05/2026 09:41

My oldest friend went through this - she was told her mother had about 6 weeks left but she then went on to live another 2 and a half years, with no quality of life. It was very very hard for her, as I am sure it is for you 💐

Happyjoe · 10/05/2026 09:58

Yes, we've been in the same boat and no, you're not heartless.
Where possible, enjoy any moments you have together and hug your mum but know you're not heartless.

Purplewarrior · 10/05/2026 09:58

So sorry your mum is going through this. I went through similar with my beloved aunt and it was gruelling for everyone.

My dear friend who has dementia recently got a bad infection and “died” but the hospital he was in completely ignored his DNR (Respect Form) and resuscitated him. This could mean many additional years of him sitting in silence, eyes shut, doubly incontinent, immobile and not recognising his own wife or children.

Dying can be a very cruel business. 💐💐💐💐💐

Monty36 · 10/05/2026 09:59

There is no way of knowing when someone will die. Medical people will say different things to you. They don’t know either.
You cannot commit to be somewhere for an indefinite amount of time. If it was a few weeks you could. But what if they hold for six months ? It would be unmanageable.
Do not expect yourself to be able to be there all the time. Do what you know you can. And you will have done your best.
Am sorry about your mum and the whole situation.

NoisyBuilder · 10/05/2026 10:05

I have never experienced it, but I can only imagine the conflicting feelings and sadness that comes with a terminal diagnosis.

It's neither cold nor heartless to not want to witness someone you love in such a state, complicated by the upheaval, additional cost & planning and the exhaustion of the travel back & forth.

Your feelings are normal and I'm sorry you & your mum are going through this.

ArtAngel · 10/05/2026 10:07

It’s so brutal OP, and I am sorry that your Mum and family are going through this.

It’s not cold or hard to want your Mum’s suffering to end. It’s compassionate. And it IS hard on loving family.

Sending a hand hold

💐

Bignosenobum · 10/05/2026 10:12

Would she want to move back nearer to family?

Pennyplant19 · 10/05/2026 10:19

Not cold at all. My Mum had Dementia for 12 years, and survived sepsis, a bowel perforation and a number of strokes, and each time we thought ‘this is it’.
She had no quality of life, bedbound, incontinent, not recognising us, and many a time I wished it all to end.
She finally died peacefully last Sunday, and whilst I’m of course sad, I can honestly say I feel relieved.
My thoughts are with you ❤️ x

Cantthinkofanewusernameffs · 10/05/2026 10:29

Not heartless at all.

My DM died nine months after diagnosis, but the end was horrible. We were told 48 hours, but it was 11 days. By the end, it was just a relief that she wasn't suffering anymore. We'd done our grieving in the previous months.

This is why I am all for voluntary euthanasia. You wouldn't let a pet suffer for that long. Why can't we do the same for ourselves?

Musicaltheatremum · 10/05/2026 10:34

Purplewarrior · 10/05/2026 09:58

So sorry your mum is going through this. I went through similar with my beloved aunt and it was gruelling for everyone.

My dear friend who has dementia recently got a bad infection and “died” but the hospital he was in completely ignored his DNR (Respect Form) and resuscitated him. This could mean many additional years of him sitting in silence, eyes shut, doubly incontinent, immobile and not recognising his own wife or children.

Dying can be a very cruel business. 💐💐💐💐💐

That's awful. Such a bad decision.

Musicaltheatremum · 10/05/2026 10:41

At one point my dad had his mum and her 2 sisters in a nursing home all with dementia. No other or useless family. This went on for years.
When mum and dad went on holiday they had an arrangement where if one ify them died then they'd be phoned but the local undertaker was instructed that things would be dealt with on return from holiday. Fortunately they died when my parents were in the country.
My dad is 94 nearly, last year we went on a safari and had no internet coverage or phone signal for 4 days though could have got an emergency call through if needed. Dad's frail but still independent but if he died suddenly I wouldn't have come back. My brother was in the UK so he would have dealt with everything. We also had my FIL who was 97 and in end stage heart failure and we had to make plans with people as to what would happen if he took unwell or died. We want to do a long trip to Australia and the far east and need to fit this in soon as we are not getting any younger.
Our family are supportive of us not putting our life on hold.

Linenspots · 10/05/2026 10:42

I'm so sorry OP, it's the hardest thing to live through and witness every day.

The temporary relief you'll feel when the time comes is immeasurable, but then you have to deal with the guilt for feeling that way. There are so many emotions to navigate at the end of life and in the face of death.

Sending you a handhold and love Flowers

LongDarkTeatime · 10/05/2026 10:53

Really feel for you OP.
I think it’s fair to say this feeling comes both from exhaustion and love. Who wants to see a person who they love suffering?
We experienced this on a shorter timescale after our DMum had an acute accident. It was an agonisingly slow end. The experience made me fully support the assisted dying proposals (even though it wouldn’t have covered her situation).

MummyWillow1 · 10/05/2026 11:30

Medical advances aren’t necessarily kind.

Sorry you are going through this xx

Didimag48 · 10/05/2026 13:44

As a Brit expat physio living in Switzerland, I[ve been a member of Exit (similar to Dignitas) for years. I saw patients having horrible lingering deaths and didn[t/dont want that at all.
It[s so hard for you and others like you having to be there, watching this happening and there[s nothing you can do. Thoughts with you all.

notthatoldchestnut · 10/05/2026 14:10

im so sorry for you OP
we lose people way before they have physically departed this earth and the grieving during their lifetime can be horrific and cruel.

I was lucky that I only had a short time to watch my dad’s decline, however that few days was torturous and I spoke to him saying that we would be ok, and that he could go. Luckily he did, but I genuinely feel for anyone who has to witness such horror for a prolonged period of time

❤️

crossedlines · 10/05/2026 21:57

I understand. My mum thankfully didn’t linger for months, but I distinctly remember the point when, much as I loved her, I wanted her to be free. It’s agonising watching someone when their quality of life has gone and their body is somehow physically just hanging on. And my mum was not that old; I was a new mum myself and I so much wanted her, but I still remember such an overpowering feeling of ‘no, it’s right that she is released.’

MaggieLk · 10/05/2026 22:22

My one piece of advice after having this situation a few times, don't beat yourself up if you're not there when they actually die. Just have a good parting every time you visit. And talk....

LadyFlumpalot · 10/05/2026 22:26

I know exactly what you mean OP. I remember asking the doctor in the hospice how much I’d have to pay him to put just that bit too much morphine in my mums driver, and I was only half kidding. We wouldn’t let pets suffer on for months and years in the way we let people.

cupfinalchaos · 10/05/2026 22:35

I have this with my mil at the moment. Zero life quality with Parkinsons, doubly lncontenant in wheelchair and can’t feed herself. Dh says she can still tell him she loves him though. It’s so hard and not what I would want. You are anything but cold op.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 11/05/2026 07:35

Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2026 08:32

This is why Ive planned Switzerland for myself and have the money in a separate account. Im sorry OP its so hard. I was a nurse for 25 years and for myself just want a quick end when the time comes if possible.

Assisted dying is legal in Spain also.

Disturbia81 · 11/05/2026 17:51

Miranda65 · 10/05/2026 09:13

It's not heartless, it's completely normal. You will almost certainly feel an overwhelming feeling of relief when she dies.
We all need to understand that death isn't necessarily the worst thing that can happen to a person.

All so true

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2026 18:42

When my MIL died the doctor was very straight with us, he said they were going to give her increasing amounts of morphine the moment she showed any signs of discomfort and was clear that this would kill her quicker. We were all really grateful for his candour and even more grateful she was in no pain at all (and not conscious)

Manyleaves · 11/05/2026 18:54

I've name changed for this because I'm still notnsure if it was right, but DH was bedbound with no quality of life and in a lot of pain for the last 12 months.

In the end I said, you know we've had a great life with you and we all love you very much, but you can go when you're ready, and he was dead within a couple of hours.

Obviously I don't know if the two things are connected but at the time it felt like he needed to be told it would be OK.

muddyford · 11/05/2026 19:20

After a hellish three years DH is on a palliative care pathway. He's now bedbound in hospital. I say to him that if he lays down his burden we'll all cope, that I love him but don’t want him to stay if he wants to go. It's heartbreaking seeing this formerly active man decline so far.