Should DS9 see DM before she passes?

[theonlyonestillawake]

Hi all, I wondered if any of you could give me some advice? My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer with mets 2 1/2 years ago. She's done so well, having gamma knife and surgery to remove the tumours in the brain and was responding to treatment up until a couple of months ago. The decline has been rapid and she has now been placed on palliative care. My DS9 last saw DM on Boxing Day, where she hosted all my siblings and nieces and nephews and all was "normal" as far as DS was concerned. I'm torn whether DS should see her before she passes? He is emotionally quite mature and not overly sensitive. I don't know whether it would seem more real to him if he had the chance to say goodbye? Or should he remember her as the awesome grandma that swims in lakes with him and cooks delicious food?

I know none of you can tell me how my son will respond, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I’m Irish so I think illness and death is more ‘normalised’ here. But yes I would (and did) let my dc be around family members who were very unwell and in palliative care. I would want them to have a chance to say goodbye. They’ve not been traumatised by it and I was exposed to that as a child, as were all my peers and nobody is traumatised by it.

I didn’t take my ds (7 at the time) to see my mum a couple of weeks before she passed, and I bitterly regret it. The first question she asked me when I got there was “where’s my Grandson?” We lived a couple of hundred miles away so I couldn’t go back and get him. I think he would have been fine and it would have meant so much to her.

I am sorry you are facing this, and she sounds an awesome grandma.

I think I would arrange a visit.

It could be quite frightening for him to see her active and hosting on good form and then...gone, And he may worry that that can happen to anyone. Which it can but is less likely.

Also he may take comfort from bringing his grandma some joy in her last days and remember that.

My Mum found extraordinary reserves to smile and make a joke to her grandson when in advanced palliative care, such was her depth of reassurance in seeing him.

I agree from working with children that trying them from death isn’t the best thing to do. I think you can prepare him that she doesn’t have much longer to live, and tell him how she is going to look. Tell him it’s ok to feel anything that comes up and ok to say whatever he needs to say. Will she be able to talk? He might want to share some good memories with her. He might also struggle to know what to say. All of it is ok. I’m sorry for what you are going through

Thank you all. And yes, @KeepOffTheQuinoashe is an awesome Grandma!

That all makes a lot of sense. He's aware that she's very poorly, but his view of very poorly is "she's poorly now, but then will get better". We're not going to take him.to see her in hospital, because they are quite scary places, but would wait until she was at home.

DH doesn't want to shield him, and thinks that seeing her will ease the transition from Grandma that let's him wrestle on her bed with his cousins and cooks a mean stew, to... gone.

I've never posted on here before, and really appreciate the support!

What a sad time for you all.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? When my dad was dying, DS was 10. DF was in hospital and in a shocking physical state. DS asked about him, and mentioned wanting to see him, but I couldn’t put him through it. DS was quite a sensitive kid back then, and I honestly think he would’ve been traumatised.

When my DM was dying, DS was 13 and not as sensitive. DM wanted to see him, and he wanted to see her… I think he was shocked at the situation: physically she didn’t look too bad, but she was in bed (at home) and couldn’t really move. She was talking to him and he was struggling to look at her. It hasn’t affected him in any negative way, and I think he was glad that he did go and see her.

If your son is on the mature side, I would advise talking to him. Explain the situation, and leave it up to him to decide. I decided to take the decision out of my DS’s hands with my dad because of the physical condition he (DF) was in.

Thank you @ItsmeMargoand I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm going ro see her on my own tomorrow, so will take what you've said about her physical condition into account.

I’s sorry you’re going through this. Does your DS want to see your DM?

So sorry about your mum OP, I think its a tough decision and hard to know whats right. I think I would explain to your DS what to expect and how your mum may look, feel and act before hand and explain he might feel very sad.
If you do take him can you bring DH along incase he would like to leave if he does get upset.

Its always hard to know whats right x

My DN saw my nan just before she passed and she was really scared. Nan looked awful, it was distressing even for us adults. I would talk to him and see what he says. If he wants to, warn him what she looks like, and if he doesn’t want to then tell him that’s absolutely fine.
I saw my grandad just after he passed and I wish I hadn’t as it’s what I think about now first, rather than remembering all the good times.

Different situation but I lost someone really close to me as a teen, and I wanted to see them post passing because I hadn't had chance to say goodbye.
I wasn't allowed to see them because of how they looked (they weren't found immediately) and as an adult I still wish I'd have a chance to go and say bye, even if I'd just seen their hands.
It will be an important memory for you and your DS and a happy moment for your DM before she passes.
Really sorry about your DM OP.

He knows it's not appropriate to see her in the hospital, and hasn't asked about when she gets out- but, we haven't actually told him she's dying yet- just that she's very poorly.

I think he would be able to cope with a proper conversation about how this is the end and that she'll not look like herself and give him the choice. DH would definitely be there. She lives a couple of hours away, and DH doesn't really want me to drive upset, so he'll be on hand to support us both.

Dmil died when ds was 9. We told him that she was very sick, she wasn't going to get better and she would die in the next few days.

Having told him that, we let it sit for a while then asked if he wanted to go and see her. He did, and he was fine. He spent a lot of time sitting quietly with her.

His older brother didn't want to see her at all. We felt maybe he would regret that choice so took him with us once. But he was so uncomfortable he only stayed in the room a couple of minutes.

I regret making him go, although he wasn't hugely upset by it after the event. He just didn't want to stay in the room with her.
I wish I had gone with my instinct that he didn't want to, or feel able to, see her when she was so close to dying.

When dfil died a year or so later younger ds spent lots of time at the hospital with us. Older ds didn't go at all once he looked really sick.

What does your instinct tell you about your boy? That's what you should do.

I'm sorry you're facing the loss of your mum. Take care of yourself too x

Thank you for sharing. I think he would benefit from seeing her, but ultimately I think I'm learning that it should be his decision.

What is holding me back is that I remember seeing my grandparent in hospital when very ill, although he didn't die for many years afterwards, and it was very scary. He didn't look like himself, but like an old man. We'd prepare DS for what she will look like

OP, I agree it's a tricky one, but I think you need to be more explicit in your language to him. A word like "passes" is very ambiguous and may be difficult to comprehend. Clergy usually recommend direct language such as "dead" or "dying", as it gives people the clarity they need.

My relatives all passed when I was older but depending on the child I’d take them. If you feel it might be too much then you could take a word search book to do with them or a magazine to look at. Maybe even get them to bake something for them.

I’ve had some experience of children whose parent / Grandparent has died as I’m a teacher. My advice would be, don’t tell him she’s dying - he will be upset from the moment you tell him until she actually does, which could be days or weeks. Him knowing in advance isn’t likely to make him feel any less upset when she does eventually die. My DC knew their grandfather was dying and it really upset them - they were both adults at the time. When you visit, if she seems up to it, could you do a little video of her saying hi to him?
When she does die, as someone else said, use plain language not euphemisms. Talk about her to him, let him see you sad, let him help plan for her funeral. My father’s grandchildren all met up to talk about him and help with planning his funeral - it was a joyous time as they had nothing but happy memories of their time with him.

Sorry to read about your mum. I think your DS should visit his grandmother.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it is awful for all of you. I think the most important thing is that you tell him soon that she is dying. There are resources out there that can help you explain it in an age appropriate way. It will be easier than him being blindsided by her death. Whether or not he sees her is tricky, depending on how much she may no longer look like the DGM he loves.

Thank you all. I think I need to see her tomorrow, make a call regarding what she looks like and how with it she is.

He knows that I'm sad and keeps asking me if I'm OK. I like the idea of having him take something with him, like a football magazine or something that he can talk to her about.

Also yes to using explicit language. I don't want there to be any confusion.

Ugh! It's just so shit. I know the worst thing that has ever happened in his life is hanging over him. Maybe I'm also worrying about him as a diversion tactic to worrying about how I am going to respond!

I guess the other side is if she feels able to see him? She might just find it too hard to be brave for him. She might be upset if he's not comfortable being with her. You can judge tomorrow I guess. I hope your trip is okay and you find some comfort there too. It's a tough time.

I would ask him. I think it’s important that children know about life and death, even if it’s a little difficult. I was younger when my grandparents died, and I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral. I had a long term sense they were not dead somehow, as I had not seen them or said goodbye. I’d always encourage but not force it.

I would say it’s fine up to a certain point of end of life.

My ds was 17 when my mum died of cancer. 5 days before she died he was fine seeing her. The next time she started severe confusion (she fell into the sleep less than 24 hours later) and that really affected him. She died 48 hours after he last saw her.

The end is horrid (sorry but I wish I’d been warned what it was actually like).

So I’d get him to see her asap whilst she can still communicate with him and judge any further visits on this criteria.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I'm torn with this one, I can see all the sense in what people are saying but remember vividly seeing my gran in hospital when she was dying and, even now over 50 years later, I still find the image traumatic. (Think I was about 12) I chose not to take mine to see their grandpa when he was dying, they never questioned it and accepted that he was old and death is what happens.🥀