Should DS9 see DM before she passes?

[theonlyonestillawake]

Hi all, I wondered if any of you could give me some advice? My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer with mets 2 1/2 years ago. She's done so well, having gamma knife and surgery to remove the tumours in the brain and was responding to treatment up until a couple of months ago. The decline has been rapid and she has now been placed on palliative care. My DS9 last saw DM on Boxing Day, where she hosted all my siblings and nieces and nephews and all was "normal" as far as DS was concerned. I'm torn whether DS should see her before she passes? He is emotionally quite mature and not overly sensitive. I don't know whether it would seem more real to him if he had the chance to say goodbye? Or should he remember her as the awesome grandma that swims in lakes with him and cooks delicious food?

I know none of you can tell me how my son will respond, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your DM is very sick, but not contagious - imo it is far better to gently start getting your son used to the reality that people get old, sick and die and what that looks like so that he can cope with it better as a natural process which he understands the reality of when you die (and when he gets old, sick and dies himself!).
Your DM might also desperately want to see him one final time.

I would take him. DS was 7 when my grandma passed and we sat next to her bed and I read to him. Hearing us around was calming and reassuring for her and she was pretty far gone.

He says now that he is glad he got to see her.

I would have a conversation about how unwell she is and that she isn’t going to get better before it actually happens.

my gran died in 2022, she had been in a care home throughout covid and only my mum and aunt had seen her for the last 2 years of her life, due to lockdowns. My brother and cousin chose to visit her before she passed and both said she didn’t look like our gran, I decided not to visit her and I’m an adult in my 40s, I’d rather remember how she was before she grew as old and unwell. She was 98 when she died.

i have no regrets.

I really appreciate how candid this is. My brother said something similar- that we should get the kids to see her as much as possible while she is still "her".

Apologies, I've lost track of who said it, but the point about how she feels about seeing him is a really good one. I don't want her to feel like she has to put on a show or feel bad if he goes quiet or wants to leave

I took DS to see my dad when he was very ill, but didn’t take him whilst he was wired up to things. So DS knew he wasn’t well and probably wasn’t going to live long but he was pleased to see him and my dad was happy to have him there for a brief visit. But it was DS’s choice too. He was 12 at the time.

Does he want to see her? Yes, I’d take him. I was 10 when my granny passed and I was in the hospital nearly every day with her. I’m glad I had that time. In contrast, I was a bit older (18), when my dad passed and I was very sheltered from how unwell he was. I didn’t get that time with him or really understand he was going to die soon. I wish someone had been honest with me and encouraged us to have that time together.

When my late-DH was at the end of his life (at home) my boys (then 14 & just 11) stayed with their dad for the last few days - but were given the choice to come round for a while after school each day to see DH, which they both wanted to do.

They had lived with him going through his cancer diagnosis and treatment, and understood by this stage that he was dying.

On the day he died they were also both asked, with no pressure either way, whether they wanted to see him after he died. Both chose to do so, for a few minutes, and seemed to be reassured that he was just his body - not a scary thing.

Talking to your boy seems the best option, seeing how he feels, being there for him.

And, take care of yourself, and let others do so as well, in this very difficult time.