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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

My mum’s dying and being unpleasant to me.

46 replies

SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 20:39

I absolutely adore my mum. We’ve always had a loving close relationship and have never really had a cross word since I was a teenager. Sadly she has advanced terminal cancer and is approaching the dying stage. The macmillan nurses are coming in, and her end of life care is in the drawer. I’m here with her (I live 6 hours away) for the duration, and it is her wish, if possible, to die at home. I know that cancer can affect the brain (She’s 90 years old, no dementia, no treatment, dnr in place). She’ll say things that are mean and snarky about my cooking or my appearance, my husband or the way I’ve cleaned something (all underserved criticisms). I don’t react, and pretend she hasn’t said anything, but it’s really hurtful, especially as she is as sweet as can be to my sibling who is also here. Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this? She appears perfectly compos mentis with everyone else, friends, medical professionals and my sibling.

So far I haven’t challenged her or reacted negatively, but I have to admit it hurts.

OP posts:
TheBermudaTriangleone · 10/04/2025 20:43

When one of my dc was very small she would scream at me that she hated me for no reason and a health visitor told me it was actually because she felt so secure with me and knew I’d love her no matter what that she was venting her fears and frustration in the only way she knew how. That pushing me away like that knowing I’d stay was a way to show herself she had love and stability regardless. I wonder if your mum is doing a similar thing in a way ? She may be scared and not able to articulate it so it’s manifesting this way? It will be very hard for you so make sure you get breaks and be kind to yourself Flowers

TammyJones · 10/04/2025 20:45

This isn’t unheard off
when my friends spouse was dying of terminal cancer , she came out with some terrible things to her school ages’ children.

HiRen · 10/04/2025 20:45

So sorry for you.

Until you said she is sweet to your sibling, I was thinking that she's lashing out from fear. A not unusual way of dealing with being terrified, or being unprepared for the end (which is also not unusual).

But the fact she's simultaneously good to your sibling: does this hark back to differential treatment when you were younger? Is this, too, some way of avoiding the present and going back to past times?

It's stark to say it out loud, but you will continue living after she's gone. And there's nothing you can (should?) do to change the behaviour of a 90yo woman with terminal cancer in the palliative stage of care. All you can do is protect yourself, perhaps by distancing yourself a little. You don't want your memories to be soured by this. And perhaps not ideal to put a burden of pressuring her to explain herself on her at this point. Don't let this get to the stage where you're left with unanswered questions. Easiest to not allow those questions to arise in the first place.

Good luck.

Espresso25 · 10/04/2025 20:46

She’s frightened and she can take it out on you.

Original poster
SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 20:50

My sibling is male so I’m not sure if that perhaps has anything to do with it. He has noticed and is quite shocked, but hasn’t said anything to her at my request.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 10/04/2025 20:54

You live each other and it’s a terrible time. She must be so scared and she knows what is coming. Forgive her if she can’t be the mum you need right now and be the daughter she needs.

Glazedcarrot · 10/04/2025 20:55

Is it a sign she might be in more pain & taking it out on you? I’d find that v hard too OP. Or progression of the disease? You’re doing so well to bite your tongue. Can you check with her Macnillan nurse?

DogsandFlowers · 10/04/2025 20:56

SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 20:50

My sibling is male so I’m not sure if that perhaps has anything to do with it. He has noticed and is quite shocked, but hasn’t said anything to her at my request.

My friends dad did exactly this, although he was sadly only 54. Have you thought about talking to her once and if it goes badly just chalking it up? Hope you’re looking after your self as well xx

HiRen · 10/04/2025 20:58

SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 20:50

My sibling is male so I’m not sure if that perhaps has anything to do with it. He has noticed and is quite shocked, but hasn’t said anything to her at my request.

Ah. Well. I'm afraid that's probably your answer (to stereotype a woman born in 1945, which might be unfair). Perhaps taking a step back from her, but still do all the things. Cook the food, let your brother give it to her etc. Just maybe avoid her company a bit, for your own sake. She's not going to change this behaviour at this stage, so best not to tie yourself in knots over it. What a shame.

DenholmElliot11 · 10/04/2025 21:02

Aww that sounds so very very hard for you. I'm sorry you're going through this I really am but if she's end of life it's not entirely unexpected for these types of things to happen. Especially if the cancer has spread to her brain. Sorry, not what you want to hear I know.

As a pp said, pain also plays a part.

Please do voice you concerns to her GP and the Macmillen nurses, there are things they can do that might help.

It's not personal, it's her illness.

Original poster
SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 21:03

HiRen · 10/04/2025 20:45

So sorry for you.

Until you said she is sweet to your sibling, I was thinking that she's lashing out from fear. A not unusual way of dealing with being terrified, or being unprepared for the end (which is also not unusual).

But the fact she's simultaneously good to your sibling: does this hark back to differential treatment when you were younger? Is this, too, some way of avoiding the present and going back to past times?

It's stark to say it out loud, but you will continue living after she's gone. And there's nothing you can (should?) do to change the behaviour of a 90yo woman with terminal cancer in the palliative stage of care. All you can do is protect yourself, perhaps by distancing yourself a little. You don't want your memories to be soured by this. And perhaps not ideal to put a burden of pressuring her to explain herself on her at this point. Don't let this get to the stage where you're left with unanswered questions. Easiest to not allow those questions to arise in the first place.

Good luck.

Thank you. My mum has always been quite deferential to men if I’m honest, and my brother could do no wrong. He’s a good guy, don’t get me wrong, but she has always sung his praises unreservedly, whilst feeling fine about giving me advice (not unkindly) I’ve always felt equally loved, maybe it’s because I’m female that she has felt I needed guidance and he didn’t. Anyway, it’s never been a problem as such, and I’ve only just thought that way since you asked. I can see perhaps she’s scared and is picking on me as I’m the one doing most of the caring, but I wish she wouldn’t. I’m trying not to let it affect me, but it’s difficult. My brother wants to gently ask her to stop it, but I don’t want her upset. Difficult balance.

OP posts:
globalwondering · 10/04/2025 21:13

So sorry you’re going through this. I had similar when my mum had terminal cancer - not anywhere near as bad as what you explain but similar.
It was so hard at the time but she’s just comfortable with you and feels she can let her guard down.
It’s so sad but I don’t think of those times now and when I do, I feel sad that I was frustrated with her because she was going thru the most awful time and I hold on to our close relationship and good times.
I’m not trying to diminish what you’re currently going thru but just to let you know you’ll look back and it won’t matter as much.
Sending you loads of love.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/04/2025 21:17

I would consider letting your DB sensitively saying something to her, not letting on you've noticed. Also, reiterate to her how much you love her.

Original poster
SaltySeaMaiden · 10/04/2025 21:18

DenholmElliot11 · 10/04/2025 21:02

Aww that sounds so very very hard for you. I'm sorry you're going through this I really am but if she's end of life it's not entirely unexpected for these types of things to happen. Especially if the cancer has spread to her brain. Sorry, not what you want to hear I know.

As a pp said, pain also plays a part.

Please do voice you concerns to her GP and the Macmillen nurses, there are things they can do that might help.

It's not personal, it's her illness.

The nurses are coming in the morning. I may quietly ask their advice. It pains me to see mum riled up and being unpleasant as it’s so out of character tbh, more than being the brunt of her words. It’s so unlike her. Maybe if the macmillan nurses, who will clearly have masses of experience of things like this, could explain it to me, it wouldn’t hurt so much. I just want mum to have a peaceful ending, but equally I can’t control how she’s reacting to pain and her coming death. I just wish she wasn’t going at all. I love her so much.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 10/04/2025 21:18

OP, this has happened to me, and I have seen it with others. I think your mum loves you, is lashing out, and you are her safe attachment. I am sure she does not really mean it. I think it is ok to gently say, that is not nice mum, but I wouldnt necessarily bother if it were me, because I think the actual statements are not really meant. I am sorry, hugs to you. Its such a sad thing.

Happyholidays78 · 10/04/2025 21:38

I'm so sorry you're going through this & am sending a big hug. My MIL was like this to me when she was dying & even pulled my hair once when I was helping her, totally out of character & she never did this to anyone else. I honestly think it's the fear, frustration & perhaps drugs. I felt very sorry for myself at the time but my own nan told me off & said 'get on with it, she needs you' & she was right. I wish your mum a peaceful passing xx

mambojambodothetango · 10/04/2025 21:42

Had same with DM when she was dying. We put up with it and grew a thick skin. Eventually the GP put her on a lower dose of her meds and it got much better - she mellowed out. Maybe talk to her GP and ask. Has she been assigned a social worker? We found ours invaluable and mum would listen to her when she wouldn't listen to us. Good luck.

Redrosesposies · 10/04/2025 21:53

DenholmElliot11 · 10/04/2025 21:02

Aww that sounds so very very hard for you. I'm sorry you're going through this I really am but if she's end of life it's not entirely unexpected for these types of things to happen. Especially if the cancer has spread to her brain. Sorry, not what you want to hear I know.

As a pp said, pain also plays a part.

Please do voice you concerns to her GP and the Macmillen nurses, there are things they can do that might help.

It's not personal, it's her illness.

If it wasn't personal, she would be nasty to your brother too.
Just tell her how upsetting it is.

AppleKatie · 10/04/2025 22:00

She’s lashing out because she’s frightened and feels safe with you.

it’s not nice but it’s believable fear. My grandparents were the same when they went, they would never take it out on male relatives. And actually the more care they got from a male relative the more mortified they got and the more likely a female relative was to get it in the neck.

She’s still your lovely mum OP but she’s frightened and a product of the social attitudes of her time - even if in happier times she was better at hiding it, she’s vulnerable now and in many ways will be regressing to childlike behaviour.

BananaSpanner · 10/04/2025 22:06

Let your brother say something to her. She’s your mum, this is not how either of you would really want your relationship to end, with her sniping at you. He sounds like a nice guy, I’m sure he can say it kindly that she needs to be nicer to you.

shiningstar2 · 10/04/2025 22:07

I am so sorry to hear of you going through this. As the only daughter I totally understand. When my dad was dying my mother took all her grief, anxiety and fear out on me and was completely different with my brother's
I let it go but vowed that afterwards it would be never again. Now she is 94 and has massive support from me ...but I have a boundary. I would ask your lovely brother to have a gentle word. 💐

BananaSpanner · 10/04/2025 22:10

One thing I meant to add, my mum had dementia and in her final days, she had become really nasty and aggressive, she would lash out verbally and physically. My lovely mum pinched me hard and left a bruise!
Whilst I remember it if I have cause to, the fond memories are much much stronger. A few bad weeks won’t erase the lifetime of love.

DGPP · 10/04/2025 22:10

My beloved mother was the same, really horrible at times. We had hospice care and they said it’s not uncommon and the drugs they are on play a role in why it happens, they also get a bit disorientated and uninhibited. I just took it as a sign of the disease and the fact it was in advanced stages. If it helps, I don’t think of it much now. I think of what a great mother she was and all the love we shared. Your mum still loves you

CountryQueen · 10/04/2025 22:21

Redrosesposies · 10/04/2025 21:53

If it wasn't personal, she would be nasty to your brother too.
Just tell her how upsetting it is.

Show quote history

That’s not fair. Death and the fear of the unknown are very complex, as are family bonds and relationships. She loves you OP and is lashing out in fear

Glazedcarrot · 10/04/2025 22:55

I don’t think it’s smthg she’d even be aware she was doing. I wldnt say anything to her but to her nursing team. Pain, medications, progression, fear, depression/mood changes, frustration all likely playing a part.