My mum’s dying and being unpleasant to me.

[SaltySeaMaiden]

I absolutely adore my mum. We’ve always had a loving close relationship and have never really had a cross word since I was a teenager. Sadly she has advanced terminal cancer and is approaching the dying stage. The macmillan nurses are coming in, and her end of life care is in the drawer. I’m here with her (I live 6 hours away) for the duration, and it is her wish, if possible, to die at home. I know that cancer can affect the brain (She’s 90 years old, no dementia, no treatment, dnr in place). She’ll say things that are mean and snarky about my cooking or my appearance, my husband or the way I’ve cleaned something (all underserved criticisms). I don’t react, and pretend she hasn’t said anything, but it’s really hurtful, especially as she is as sweet as can be to my sibling who is also here. Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this? She appears perfectly compos mentis with everyone else, friends, medical professionals and my sibling.

So far I haven’t challenged her or reacted negatively, but I have to admit it hurts.

@SaltySeaMaiden are you doing any personal / intimate care for her? Sometimes people can find this mortifying to go through the role reversal of parent to being cared for by their child ( hence why hospice admissions sometimes really take the pressure off and allow someone’s child to be there for them as a child should be for a dying parent rather than complicate it with physical care) . It could be worth letting the nurses know ,as they could ask your mum discretely if she would prefer more formal care in place?

I used to sing at my nan, “you always hurt the ones you love”.

i think on some level they are creating distance as they can’t bear the thought of leaving us.

My dad died 3 weeks ago and he was exactly the same. Diagnosed end of January with end of life cancer after being seen in A&E with confusion. Would not give me the time of day after this.

My 6 week old was crying as he had colic, I was getting him in his carseat ready to go. My dad then shouted at me "I can't even f*ing die in peace!" quite abruptly so I left without saying anything.

The same night he was put on a morphine driver, never regained consciousness and died 2 days later, 6 weeks after being diagnosed.

We never had the best relationship, but I will always find regret that those were his last words to me.

I think you have to get into the mind set - your mum is lost in the body that's carrying her

The drugs she is on are opioids. Her taste buds are shot to hell, she's suffering internally if not externally. She is hopefully on enough meds to deal with pain, but totally away with the faeries

I have had times in my life where I have been on low doses of morphine , managed the pain but left me with no filters. Stuff comes out of my mouth ( when on Morphine ) that I dont mean to sound mean or I think are bloody hilarious

Ive also seen both my step dad and MIL have complete changes of personality come their end of care days

It's not easy, I really understand that. You need to keep hold of the fact this isnt your mother talking, it's the drugs . My MIL would go off in right triads , the most nicest, politest, modest of women you could ever meet, but those last few weeks - she could sound like a docker at times

You have said, you and your mother have always had a great relationship. That's what you need to focus on, the past 50 odd years, not these final few weeks

Be strong, she loves you xx

Is she on any anti-anxiety medication? My late Dad didn’t show aggression towards any of us in his last months but he was plagued by terrifying dreams. He was prescribed Lorazepam and it helped a lot

You are doing a lot of the caring. You are probably in charge all the time. Request your brother to take over more like drinks, bits of food etc. Making her Comfortable in bed or chair. Maybe u look to her resilient to take this tone but you are not because you are not showing displeasure or discomfort. So encourage others useful people to take over for periods as you cannot bear the brunt of this. A relentless "tone" is demoralising when caring for someone as it makes it harder to care for them. Added or alternative pain relief may be useful too.

When my grandmother was dying, she actually tried to kick at me from her bed. In happier times she was a beautiful person and we had a close, loving relationship. She'd never even insult me, let alone lash out physically at me.

It's the dying process. It affects everyone differently and this is one of the ways it can affect someone. Don't take it in, this isn't her.

When I think of my lovely Nan now, I don't think of those last couple of weeks. A few weeks of insults don't mar a lifetime of love x

The week before my mum passed she snarled at me and tried to hit me. It was out of character but she was so frail and was in pain whenever she was moved with the carers. It nearly broke me, but the day before she died she told me that I had a beautiful face and that she loved me.

I will hold onto the latter part of the above paragraph until the day I die and try my best to forget the first part 🥰

I really wouldn't say anything to her op as rough as it is. The dying process can cause terminal agitation, hallucinations, delusions, pain, depression etc. Just be there for your mum and know as hard as it is this doesn't reflect or over ride your life and love you had with your mum.

Hi op. Up threat I suggested asking your brother to have a gentle word. However having read others thoughts I've changed my mind. My situation was different. It was dad who was dying. I would take the advice of the wise posters here and say nothing. It's the drugs and everything else, not your lovely mother. 💐

Not consistently, although I have had to change her stoma a couple of times. She had stomach cancer 7 years ago, and has been dealing with a bag very well. I’m helping her on and off the commode (or to the downstairs bathroom). I know that she will soon be unable to take care of her stoma, and although it’s a bit grim to do, once you’ve done it a couple of times, it’s bearable. It’s probably easier than emptying a commode of poo tbh as it’s bagged up. She’s a retired nurse so has no embarrassment about these things, although she doesn’t want my brother dealing with her intimate care, and that’s fine by me. She may have to go into a hospice at some point, but for now, I can handle it.

Hi OP. I lost my mum to cancer, too. Terminal at diagnosis. She lashed out a me a couple of times through fear and exhaustion. Also, I guess that the cancer might have also reached the brain or be affecting it at this stage.

My mum died at home, too and it was peaceful and a lot less traumatic that my dad's death (in hospital).🌺

I’ve decided not to say anything to her about this. It helped enormously that she was extremely rude to my brother this morning. I know it sounds mad, but at least I know for sure it’s not personal to me. We know now it’s the cancer talking. The pain, the fear, the loss of decorum, the inappropriate language, that’s not my lovely mum, and there’s a risk that she’d be upset if it was discussed, so we are just going to pretend she never said these things. Poor mum.

That is really kind and patient of you.

Sadly, all I can suggest is that you continue to be kind and patient.

I imagine she's feeling a lot of dread and powerlessness as her body fails her. Sometimes it's almost easier iykwim if the mind goes first, but your mum knows what's happening to her and what will happen.

If she has all her faculties I would be tempted to call her out on this as it's so out of character. It probably means she's feeling scared or there's something on her mind.

It doesn't have to be harsh words but something like "I love you mum and want to look after you as best I can, the cleaning/ my appearance isn't important to me right now, you are my priority." or "I don't want my memories of our final conversations together to be about XXX, let's talk about some of our favourite memories/ holidays" or "It's unlike you to find fault with XXX, is that really what's bothering you or is there something else on your mind you would like to talk about?"

It doesn't explain the differentiation between yourself and your DB but my Dad died of bowel cancel 4 years ago and it was also his last wish to stay at home (he was terrified of being in a hospital after being diagnosed on his own, in the middle of covid after being rushed into hospital).
He also turned very aggressive at times during his last days, he was very cutting with remarks and physically too. My DB's and I finally arranged for him to go into a hospice as we couldn't cope and we were told by the doctor that when someone is dying from cancer their brain can be effectively poisoned and this is what he believes to be the result of the huge behavioural changes. (we had convinced ourselves it had spread to his brain). It made a lot of sense when we were told this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please be re-assured that this isn't how you will remember your mum in time to come. Take care of yourself 💐

When my mum was dying I found it really hard that she would tell my brother that she adored him but when it came to me she sighed and said ‘where did I go wrong - I let you fall in love with the wrong man’. She wasn’t wrong but it was the wrong time to hear it. Complex grieving plus escaping from an abusive marriage. Still haven’t wrapped my head around it. Maybe I need counselling!

I think your brotger should have a quiet word with her whilst you are busy doing something else. Good luck, you sound amazing!

My mum was the same. Glaring at me, asking me if I was getting my feet under the table, when was I leaving etc. I was really hurt but tried not to take it personally. She died two weeks later of her pancreatic cancer.

My sil was vicious verbally to her teenage daughter in the last few weeks of her life. So so so hard for my niece even though she understood it was the cancer and not her mum.

So just shrug it off. It's painful but I don't think it's really who they are talking to you.

So hard for you all, but agree in trying not to take it personally. When my dad was dying be told
his fiancé to run for the hills. It was very unlike him, and I had to keep changing the subject for my brother’s sake. He would never have said this if he was in his right mind, and hopefully my brother knew that. My close friend has just died a few weeks back and I spent many hours at her bedside, though sadly she was not with it at all as cancer had spread to her brain.

Someone I know is going through a similar thing, but in her case, it’s her dad and he’s taking it out on her mum. It’s a very difficult situation isn’t it? Is there a way to distract her with things that might focus her mind on things other than the illness?