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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

My mother

63 replies

TealSwan · 22/03/2025 11:56

My 86 year old mother has been in hospital having tests and she has some cancer lumps on her liver , they say that's it's not the primary one and it's somewhere else.having a full scan Monday to see where else it is.im absolutely heartbroken. I've not long since I lost my dad , just wondering if anyone else parents have been through the same thing and how long they got given to live.

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Original poster
TealSwan · 15/05/2025 08:06

sandrevolutionary · 14/05/2025 20:24

Oh, that's difficult. If you saw her shortly after she died and you're worried about possibly seeing her looking worse, would it be an option for you to have some time alone with her in her closed casket? If you just want a chance alone to talk to her and say goodbye privately?

I'm not sure if it helps, but I can share my experience in case your gut reaction helps you with weighing up what would be right for you. Like you I wasn't with my mum at the moment she died either, but I did have some time to sit with her a few hours later before the undertakers collected her. I originally wanted to go and see her again before the funeral but didn't in the end for various reasons. I think I still would have wanted another chance to see her even if I had gone, so I personally am glad that I didn't. I never felt ready to say goodbye and I personally would have found it harder having to do so multiple times. We're all different though.

Your mum knew you were there for her and loved her. Nothing can change that, whatever you decide.

There are no perfect answers in these situations, just make the least bad decision you can and be kind to yourself whatever you decide. Flowers

I saw her the morning she passed , watched them pick her up but gave her kisses and held her hand etc. the funeral director says come now rather than later , no one in my family wants to go but me ...💔😭

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Original poster
TealSwan · 16/05/2025 13:54

Been to see her this morning she looked peaceful I sat there just saying alsorts ( she would of been telling me to stop crying) I left a picture of my son in her hands to take with her I'm sure my dad's waiting for her but I'm absolutely heartbroken 💔 😭

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sandrevolutionary · 16/05/2025 17:28

Bless you, sounds like you made the right decision for you, tough as it is.

Go easy on yourself.

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 16/05/2025 19:54

Im So very very sad to hear this. My FIL has terminal cancer in his stomach, brain, kidneys and lungs, primary is kidneys. Had an X Ray 8 weeks ago when he was relatively healthy but had had a persistent cough for a few months. That’s when he was diagnosed. Since then he has gone very very rapidly downhill. He only leaves the house for appointments, he can’t really do anything else. He is 81. Added to this my MIL has Alzheimer’s. He didn’t want to know his prognosis but I know it’s under 12 months. He’s had gamma knife treatment today for the brain tumour as that is causing a lot of symptoms such as anger, irrationality, and a change in personality, and he was hospitalised after a seizure 6 weeks ago. He’s also having chemo tablets to treat the kidney cancer. The lungs and stomach aren’t being treated and both treatments he is having are purely palliative. Honestly he’s a shadow of the person he was just 3 months ago and he’s really really suffering mentally and physically. Particularly mentally, it is brutal. In a way I think it’s better if it can’t be treated that the shorter amount of time you know about it the better, and the length of time suffering is hopefully reduced too. We said the other day we hope my FIL has a seizure and passes away rather than suffering much longer. I hope that hasn’t upset you, I’m not sure I have used the right words. I hope you are ok.

Original poster
TealSwan · 18/05/2025 14:21

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 16/05/2025 19:54

Im So very very sad to hear this. My FIL has terminal cancer in his stomach, brain, kidneys and lungs, primary is kidneys. Had an X Ray 8 weeks ago when he was relatively healthy but had had a persistent cough for a few months. That’s when he was diagnosed. Since then he has gone very very rapidly downhill. He only leaves the house for appointments, he can’t really do anything else. He is 81. Added to this my MIL has Alzheimer’s. He didn’t want to know his prognosis but I know it’s under 12 months. He’s had gamma knife treatment today for the brain tumour as that is causing a lot of symptoms such as anger, irrationality, and a change in personality, and he was hospitalised after a seizure 6 weeks ago. He’s also having chemo tablets to treat the kidney cancer. The lungs and stomach aren’t being treated and both treatments he is having are purely palliative. Honestly he’s a shadow of the person he was just 3 months ago and he’s really really suffering mentally and physically. Particularly mentally, it is brutal. In a way I think it’s better if it can’t be treated that the shorter amount of time you know about it the better, and the length of time suffering is hopefully reduced too. We said the other day we hope my FIL has a seizure and passes away rather than suffering much longer. I hope that hasn’t upset you, I’m not sure I have used the right words. I hope you are ok.

No it's fine mom had stage 4 in liver lungs and bowel no treatment start to finish 9 weeks and one day. Funeral is on June 16.💔

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toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 18/05/2025 18:31

Wishing you all the best for the funeral and I hope the day goes as well as can be expected, and you have support around you when you are grieving. X

Original poster
TealSwan · 20/05/2025 07:36

My three brothers are making excuses on why they can't go ... It's absolutely ridiculous. And my older sister started her bother just before my mum died , honestly when funeral is done I'm cutting them all out of my like apart from my middle sister ...done with the lot of them ...

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Original poster
TealSwan · 24/05/2025 15:17

Mum passed may 7th 6:30am funeral is 16th June. My mum was so brave when they told her she had cancer and said it is what it is. But left us 💔

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minerva7 · 25/05/2025 23:44

That’s a long time to wait for the funeral @TealSwan. I hope you are doing ok ❤️

rivalsbinge · 25/05/2025 23:54

You sound so lovely and so brave and your siblings sound just awful, try to focus on you and your family and life. My sister didn’t fly back when my dad was sick and dying and didn’t come for his funeral, I will never forgive her for leaving me alone and letting me face this alone. So cut out the people you want to with zero guilt.

Your mum sounds fab btw telling you who’s she’s off to look after what a beauty soul.

Calliopespa · 25/05/2025 23:57

TealSwan · 30/03/2025 11:28

Unfortunately doctors etc have decided on no treatment. We don't know how long she has left they couldn't tell us that.my poor mum 😭💔

Edited as caught your updates.

But really had just said your mum was blessed to have a loving daughter in you. 💐

Original poster
TealSwan · 01/06/2025 17:11

rivalsbinge · 25/05/2025 23:54

You sound so lovely and so brave and your siblings sound just awful, try to focus on you and your family and life. My sister didn’t fly back when my dad was sick and dying and didn’t come for his funeral, I will never forgive her for leaving me alone and letting me face this alone. So cut out the people you want to with zero guilt.

Your mum sounds fab btw telling you who’s she’s off to look after what a beauty soul.

One not coming because he's got MH problems,ones got no clothes and the other one says he's down Wales working and he says it will take him three hours to pedal up to Yorkshire🙄 then the the eldest sister who caused bother when my father was dying.. and I've to sit in the car with them...🤦‍♀️but they will be there when mums cash is being shared out ...

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Original poster
TealSwan · 15/06/2025 08:42

Just a little update , my eldest sister is causing bother again she's not getting in the funeral car with us. Not coming to the after do. She says that my eldest son and his wife sorted mums funeral out and says she should of done it. ( Mum 100% did it )She's hardly seen mum since jan-may only went to see mum 3 times. Wouldn't go see her at chapel of rest had lots of excuses saying she could not find her teeth etc .. says she's disowning the lot of us suits me fine if I never saw her again. I can see bother tomorrow. And it's gonna be hard to keep my mouth shut .. honestly I'm absolutely fuming.also my niece is coming from Scotland with her partner and she is trans I don't have a problem but my sister told her she was disgusted with her life style omg put kettle black she's not snow white too.

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