What did YOU need when your mum was on palliative care?

[MrsMoose0]

As the title says really. SIL's mum is currently on palliative care having recently found out she has stage 4 cancer. It's been a massive shock to everyone and I really want to offer some support to SIL (& DB) but think they'll be more likely to ask if I make specific offers rather than a general 'let me know if you need anything'. So if you've been in this situation please tell me what might be appreciated. Should I offer to look after their toddler, make meals that can be reheated, something else..?

Thanks in advance and sorry that you too have found yourself in this position x

Yes look after toddler and yes offer meals. Also maybe ask her to meet up - for a walk or drink, to talk about it or to forget about it for an hour .. Then just listen. What a nice friend you are x

Looking after toddler would be massive help

Help with the toddler, help with meals, give her hugs and just listen to her.

Definitely do something specific. Look after the toddler if you can, make some meals that can be frozen or re-heated. Give her some nice toiletries - shower gel, body lotion. Is she spending time in the hospital with her mother? If so, some sweets, a packet of tissues, hand cream and hand sanitizer. It’s so refreshing hearing someone say they want to help their SiL.

Can you do any chores for them? Walk their dog, take the toddler overnight occasionally, not sure what else would be practical. Yes to meals. If they gave you a list maybe pop to the supermarket for them? Stick some washing on/volunteer to take some to wash? Some folk would appreciate that but others very much wouldn’t, so it would depend on the person. My mum used to run the hoover round if she was babysitting in the house - we didn’t ask her to but it was lovely. How would that go down?

My mum just wanted to eat soup. One of my cousins took it upon herself to make whatever soup she wanted which took some stress off me when I was caring for her full time. My sil watched our youngest two when my mum was in hospice in her final days. Make sure she's well stocked on easily grabbed snacks and drinks, I really struggled with appetite or even thinking what to have as I was so focused on her care.

You sound lovely
Echo the above. Maybe spend some time (freezer space permitting) batch cooking some meals and freezing them in foil containers to drop around for them
In addition to the bits to use if she’s hospital visiting, maybe a gift card if the hospital has a chain coffee shop?

Great ideas, thanks, I didn't want to send flowers but she would definitely appreciate a few nice toiletries. I think her mum is mostly at home at the moment but a little hospital care package is a great idea when she's there more often

I don't think she will want to talk to me about it in great detail, we're not close in that way and I know she has some very good friends who will have that covered but I appreciate your thoughts x

When my gran was on EOL care we just needed to know people were there for us. The family went to ground and we felt so lonely.
My aunt even went as far as saying ‘we can only do so much as there’s stuff that we do and we have lives to lead’. That still hurts.
So sorry for your SIL. You sound lovely

Great ideas that I wouldn't have thought about with the washing and the supermarket. They do have a cleaner so have most of that covered but good could definitely do the little day to day bits if I'm already there with the toddler x

Oh gosh I hadn't even thought about the round the clock element of the final days but definitely something to think about and let them know that I'm happy to do whatever they need to just allow SIL to be with her mum and DB to be there for her. Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry for your loss of your mum x

Toddler help, meals and if you are local enough, make it clear that helping out with the toddler at short notice and anti social hours is absolutely fine (when the time comes it may mean a late night dash, possibly more than once as people rally

Sorry for your loss and for your experience, that sounds awful and is exactly what I hope we can avoid. I know there is nothing we can do to make it better but I want her to know that we care x

I had a newborn when my dad was at the palliative care stage and second having the toddler for a bit- I remember my cousins bringing a takeaway and holding baby while I showered iIt was so simple but just what I needed!

Grabby picky food and depending on how close you are I really appreciated someone sitting with dad so I could step out for half an hour and go for a walk!

Also offering step in when the time comes to have their little ones as one of my worries to take the baby when I got the "call" as my husband was at home working and I was at my Dads during the week I know she wouldn't have known what was going on but it really played on my mind- luckily I didn't have to cross that bridge

I didn't need

Prayers
platitudes
Stories about when their parents died

What I did need was

I know this is shit. How can
I make this any easier?

Shall I come round with wine?

Fancy a meal out?

Some normality bis what's needed

It was the most awful, lonely time ever. I have never looked at family in the same way again. I don't know why I am surprised. I knew they were selfish but you always live in hope.

I think it's the practical stuff so they can just be with their mum without having to worry about logistics so looking after kids etc. I was in this place recently and it was very helpful when people just took the initiative and reached out to me to see if the timings still worked or if they could help out for longer as I wasn't always looking at my watch and didn't have the headspace to think too far ahead. At end of life stage it is all about being there watching for signs of pain waiting for the district nurse to come providing mouth care and just knowing someone isn't on a deadline can be very helpful

Childcare. Help with transport if needed.

I was with my dad at the end...it's worth it's weight in gold just knowing that your kids/dog/house whatever are being taken care of so you can just focus on doing what's needed. Coming home after a long bedside stint and having to think oh god what's for tea is awful!

You sound lovely! Slightly different situation but I had a major op just after I had my first dc and everybody rallied round and supported dh and my dc but one lovely friend just used to appear and walk my beloved dog because she knew that I was worrying about him and that I’d find it hard to ask people when they were already doing so much for my baby! I’m still so grateful to her. Xx

Thank you all so much, I wasn't expecting so many responses. I have tears in my eyes reading about your experiences and I'm so very sorry for each of your losses and very grateful to you for sharing, it has helped me to realise lots of little things that I wouldn't have even thought about. X

Palliative care can go on a long time. My mum was considered palliative for nearly three years! At the beginning a lot of friends send flowers which I liked, but I love flowers normally. Food is good. When her condition started to deteriorate I really struggled to eat/plan meals so it was good to receive snacks which I could grab with zero organisation. Will she be caring for mum at home? She’ll likely have lots of visitors in that case, someone sent biscuits from cutter & squidge which we kept in the freezer and could be chucked in the oven for a bit of a treat.

I think crucially don’t offer vague help, instead be specific. Like ‘let me take your toddler to the soft play for a few hours, here’s three times - do any suit you?’.

This one is a bit random… I couldnt relax in a bath because I was worried I’d miss an important phone call. I wish I’d thought to ask someone to watch the kids AND my phone so i could properly switch off for an hour while I had a bath!

Sending love. It’s a rough situation and you sound like a great friend.

Oh and transport is good. If they end up in a hospice, the offer to drive them there and then wait to drive them back is great. I used to cry the whole drive there and back, it was exhausting and some distraction would’ve been great.

I was 23 so had no kids and both me and my dad worked on 7 days shifts so split the care. In the early days it was to stay at ours for an hour so that I could go for a quick triathlon training swim class in the evening a couple of nights a week which fell on my dad’s work nights.

Towards the end it was people who said “tell me what you need” so that I could concentrate on my mum - get a b’day card and a stamp for a friend, pick up a chippy tea, iron bed linen (my mum HAD to have ironed bedsheets and I was happy to facilitate that but they needed changing every other day when she was bed bound.

The best were ones who nipped in to see my mum for the 20 mins she could manage, and then sat with a 23 year old girl who had only just grown up and was losing her mum far too soon, for another 40 mins while she had a good cry.