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Original poster

What did YOU need when your mum was on palliative care?

40 replies

MrsMoose0 · 11/02/2025 20:21

As the title says really. SIL's mum is currently on palliative care having recently found out she has stage 4 cancer. It's been a massive shock to everyone and I really want to offer some support to SIL (& DB) but think they'll be more likely to ask if I make specific offers rather than a general 'let me know if you need anything'. So if you've been in this situation please tell me what might be appreciated. Should I offer to look after their toddler, make meals that can be reheated, something else..?

Thanks in advance and sorry that you too have found yourself in this position x

OP posts:
MargaritaPracticallyCan · 11/02/2025 22:17

We looked after my beloved mum last year at home, for six weeks from her diagnosis to her death from a brain tumour.
The most appreciated things were home cooked meals to heat up, an offer to sit with mum for a bit so we could go for a walk and get a coffee or just some fresh air.
And from an external service perspective, Marie Curie overnight nursing care was absolutely incredible, so we could get some sleep. They are phenomenal, and we didn't know they existed til we needed them.

Rocknrollstar · 11/02/2025 22:35

Make sure your SiL is getting support from the GP surgery if she is nursing her mother at home. They can put her in touch with the district nurses and the palliative care team. Also, occupational therapist who can provide equipment. She might even be entitled to free carers visits.

curious79 · 11/02/2025 22:39

Meals were really helpful. You spent all afternoon at the hospice where you can get nothing but maybe a Twix and you don’t have the energy to cook. Being able to dig into a beautiful casserole, tasty and healthy, is the best

Inabitofbother · 11/02/2025 22:47

When it comes the the final days, if she is in hospital then do offer to go with your sil: when my mum was dying in hospital the only person who visited her was me. None of my family, including my dh, even popped in - because she was in a coma, so I guess they thought it wasn’t worth it. I would have loved someone to just come with me to help me cope though - to drive me to the hospital so I didn’t have to stress about the impossibility of finding a parking space; to bring me a coffee and sandwich at her bedside; to take away the exhausting prospect of the bus ride home.

Yes to helping with the kids, food, chores. Oh honestly any help you can offer I am sure it will be very gratefully received!

You sound utterly lovely, I wish you were my sil!

Original poster
MrsMoose0 · 11/02/2025 23:52

Guineapiggiesmalls · 11/02/2025 22:00

Palliative care can go on a long time. My mum was considered palliative for nearly three years! At the beginning a lot of friends send flowers which I liked, but I love flowers normally. Food is good. When her condition started to deteriorate I really struggled to eat/plan meals so it was good to receive snacks which I could grab with zero organisation. Will she be caring for mum at home? She’ll likely have lots of visitors in that case, someone sent biscuits from cutter & squidge which we kept in the freezer and could be chucked in the oven for a bit of a treat.

I think crucially don’t offer vague help, instead be specific. Like ‘let me take your toddler to the soft play for a few hours, here’s three times - do any suit you?’.

This one is a bit random… I couldnt relax in a bath because I was worried I’d miss an important phone call. I wish I’d thought to ask someone to watch the kids AND my phone so i could properly switch off for an hour while I had a bath!

Sending love. It’s a rough situation and you sound like a great friend.

Yes the vague help was what I wanted to avoid because whilst I'm happy to do whatever they want I think it's harder for them to ask for. I don't think SIL will be specifically caring for her mum and definitely not in her home. Her dad will probably take on that role but of course SIL will want to be there and play her part as well.

Sounds like food is a common theme so will definitely keep that in mind x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMoose0 · 11/02/2025 23:59

PauliesWalnuts · 11/02/2025 22:04

I was 23 so had no kids and both me and my dad worked on 7 days shifts so split the care. In the early days it was to stay at ours for an hour so that I could go for a quick triathlon training swim class in the evening a couple of nights a week which fell on my dad’s work nights.

Towards the end it was people who said “tell me what you need” so that I could concentrate on my mum - get a b’day card and a stamp for a friend, pick up a chippy tea, iron bed linen (my mum HAD to have ironed bedsheets and I was happy to facilitate that but they needed changing every other day when she was bed bound.

The best were ones who nipped in to see my mum for the 20 mins she could manage, and then sat with a 23 year old girl who had only just grown up and was losing her mum far too soon, for another 40 mins while she had a good cry.

Oh this is heartbreaking, sending lots of love to you. It sounds like you had lots of support but if course it doesn't change how impossibly awful losing your mum is. Thank you for sharing your thoughts x

OP posts:
Namechangean · 12/02/2025 00:01

MrsMoose0 · 11/02/2025 20:21

As the title says really. SIL's mum is currently on palliative care having recently found out she has stage 4 cancer. It's been a massive shock to everyone and I really want to offer some support to SIL (& DB) but think they'll be more likely to ask if I make specific offers rather than a general 'let me know if you need anything'. So if you've been in this situation please tell me what might be appreciated. Should I offer to look after their toddler, make meals that can be reheated, something else..?

Thanks in advance and sorry that you too have found yourself in this position x

When I was supporting wife with her palliative DGM (who had raised her) life was hectic. We were never home as we had to move in to DGM house as she lived 2 hours away and wouldn’t accept hospital care unless she knew her dogs were looked after.

Honestly the biggest help for us was my mum going regularly to look after my cats. So if they have any practical things like pets, or yes letting them know you can babysit. We spent the majority of the time at the hospital. So meals for them to come home to especially as they have a toddler would have been appreciated too.

Original poster
MrsMoose0 · 12/02/2025 00:04

Inabitofbother · 11/02/2025 22:47

When it comes the the final days, if she is in hospital then do offer to go with your sil: when my mum was dying in hospital the only person who visited her was me. None of my family, including my dh, even popped in - because she was in a coma, so I guess they thought it wasn’t worth it. I would have loved someone to just come with me to help me cope though - to drive me to the hospital so I didn’t have to stress about the impossibility of finding a parking space; to bring me a coffee and sandwich at her bedside; to take away the exhausting prospect of the bus ride home.

Yes to helping with the kids, food, chores. Oh honestly any help you can offer I am sure it will be very gratefully received!

You sound utterly lovely, I wish you were my sil!

It's really interesting what you and others have said about actually offering to sit with her mum either with her or to give her a break. I wouldn't even have considered this as while I know her mum and am obviously sad about it all I'm not close to her so wouldn't have thought to offer this but actually there will probably be days where it makes sense for DB to be at home with the toddler while someone else gives SIL that lift to see her mum and support while she's there.

OP posts:
Namechangean · 12/02/2025 00:07

MrsMoose0 · 12/02/2025 00:04

It's really interesting what you and others have said about actually offering to sit with her mum either with her or to give her a break. I wouldn't even have considered this as while I know her mum and am obviously sad about it all I'm not close to her so wouldn't have thought to offer this but actually there will probably be days where it makes sense for DB to be at home with the toddler while someone else gives SIL that lift to see her mum and support while she's there.

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If you’re close I would deffo offer this. DGM sister came to the hospital to sit with DGM and it gave us a 30 min break to go for a walk together and be able to talk freely. Was such a difficult time but didn’t want to say anything in front of DGM. When I wasn’t there my DW didn’t dare leave so having someone come and be there who can nip and get a coffee and sandwich for them might be helpful too

Mulledjuice · 13/02/2025 15:29

Ask your DB. To support his wife so she can spend time with her mum HE should be taking on the mental load of who needs food when, what needs doing in the house, etc. Don't make her be the household manager and responsibile for coordinating helpers. But by all means send her a nice message and get her something personal (nice shower gel/moisturiser/long charging cable or battery pack for the hospital/gift card for café/taxis/parking/lifts).

Original poster
MrsMoose0 · 14/02/2025 06:34

Mulledjuice · 13/02/2025 15:29

Ask your DB. To support his wife so she can spend time with her mum HE should be taking on the mental load of who needs food when, what needs doing in the house, etc. Don't make her be the household manager and responsibile for coordinating helpers. But by all means send her a nice message and get her something personal (nice shower gel/moisturiser/long charging cable or battery pack for the hospital/gift card for café/taxis/parking/lifts).

Yes and he absolutely is and will be but he also has never navigated this situation before ( not that I imagine having done it before would make it any easier) and needs support. I did say in my OP that I was looking for ways to support them both. Whatever offers I make will likely be sent in our shared message group to give them both chance to respond with what they need.

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 14/02/2025 07:32

MrsMoose0 · 14/02/2025 06:34

Yes and he absolutely is and will be but he also has never navigated this situation before ( not that I imagine having done it before would make it any easier) and needs support. I did say in my OP that I was looking for ways to support them both. Whatever offers I make will likely be sent in our shared message group to give them both chance to respond with what they need.

Show quote history

Yep, one of the hardest things in this situation is people asking what you need /want when all you want is for the thing not to be happening. You sound lovely.

MolluscMonday · 14/02/2025 07:43

Do you already have relationship with the toddler? I would definitely build that up so they can rely on you in emergencies etc. Maybe offer to have them for an afternoon a week or whatever to free up your Brother- when my Dad was dying my Mum and I were basically on rotation with him while my husband had the kids and it meant we barely saw each other for a while.

And I would have loved someone to put some good quality ready meals in my freezer and a pint of milk / loaf of bread in the fridge on a regular basis, just so I didn’t have to think. These are good: www.cookfood.net

COOK | Frozen Ready Meals, Delivered Meals, Prepared Meal Delivery COOK

Remarkable frozen ready meals, prepared by our own chefs and delivered to your door via our nationwide delivery service. Or discover your local COOK shop!

http://www.cookfood.net

EngelbertVonSmallhausen · 17/02/2025 14:29

Just to add as don't think it's been mentioned, offering to collect prescriptions from the pharmacy/hospital/GP surgery. DH has advanced cancer and requires a lot of medication and nutrition drinks so I'm forever picking up prescriptions. The hospital ones are the worst as it's across town, parking is a nightmare and there is always a 20+ minute wait at their pharmacy. There is probably a delivery service but sometimes meds are needed asap and it's just peace of mind knowing there won't be any delivery errors.

OriginalUsername2 · 17/02/2025 14:50

Meals you can chuck in the oven, definitely.

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