Can someone please help me gather advice to find out whether or not the man i share a child with is lying about having testicular cancer

[MamFL]

Now let me start this hasnt been an easy post to write, and has took me a lot of time to write and ask for advice after months of having a “gut feeling” that something isnt right and off about the situation
backtrack to october 2024, i was told he was going in for an op on his ball as they thought it was testicular cancer, after op it was confirmed, and CT scan performed where they found enlarged lymph nodes over 2cms in his stomach, they told him he needed chemo because of the size of his tumour alone as it was 5 cms so needed one round and they were monitoring lymph nodes to see if he needed 6 rounds instead of one, and he was also waiting 2 weeks from then to have an appointment with oncologist to proceed, low and behold nothing for 4 weeks and no start of chemo.
fast forward to december 2024 I asked the question what was going on as he hadnt mentioned anything more and not started chemo, he then proceeded to tell me they had done another CT scan (not sure when) and had found something now on his liver and pelvis and needed an MRI, MRI was done urgent, when asked when he was going to get results he said 3 weeks which I thought was odd, anyway we are in january 2025 now 15 weeks after his intial op to remove testical and still no “sign” of this appointment to find out when his treatment is and its been 4 weeks.
now ive had family members with cancer so i know this doesnt add up, and is very suspicious. Why would the NHS deliberately know this has spread once? Then spread again and not start treatment at all? Because surely this is negligence right?! Is this usual treatment pattern for testicular cancer?

You need to just leave him alone op. You are being really horrible. Just stay out of it if you can’t be supportive. Jesus.

ive been the most supportive thanks!!! Hence why its took me a lot to write this as something doesnt sit right

If you don’t believe him, stop engaging with the ‘lie’ but keep bloody quiet. Having cancer is unbearably hard - many people struggle and live in denial, continue as normal but honestly stop the speculation and just stay away.

That's not unusual tbh, lots of people continue drinking even when told there's an issue with their liver. We don't know if he's a liar, your gut and experiences with him tell you he is but I wouldn't base it on the drinking or driving 3 days after the op.

Shut up thinking you know my situation!!! Your speculating!!! Do you want me to go more in depth for you!!!

i have a grandad who has just recovered from cancer!!! Who went through the mill!!!! And even he thinks this is suspicious!!

They might have found the spread is too large for any effective treatment? He may have opted to not have any treatment if this is the case and doesn’t want to talk about it?
tests can take weeks to come back unfortunately and chemo is usually tailored to specific gene markers etc. which can all delay treatment.
however, if he has form of elaborate lies and this is something he would lie about, I do believe we have gut feeling for a reason

Im not just basing it on that!! At all! In basing it on the whole facts i have they were just adding to suspicion

All cancers are different. All reactions are different and unique to terminal illness.

My DP was told that testicular cancer is 'one of the best ones' to get. Easy to diagnose, easy to excise, may not need chemo in many many cases, and something like 97% survival rate after 10 years.

Quite likely to be driving very quickly after surgery - it's a 2" incision with little damage to any surrounding tissue.

My DP was scanned on a Sunday - I've also attended MRI and CT scans with various relatives on Saturdays and Sundays.

What has your ex got to gain by lying about this op?

If you are going to tell your child about this (and I'm assuming you haven't) then I'd want evidence of it. You have a child with this person that you're potentially going to have to support - and if he doesn't want to give you any evidence then I wouldn't let him talk about illness in front of them.

He told me he wouod have results within 3 weeks for MRI, low and behold 4 weeks nothing, not even a slither of an appointment date!

i know fine fact 3 weeks is max wait time for emergency MRI. I knew the weeks would come and go. Now i dont want to doubt him may i add this! Because ive been a fool and showed him such compassion if he is lying when i didnt really need to! I was always asking how he was, and asking for a update, and to see if he has been giving someone to talk to etc

Yeah i know all this hence why the story doesnt add up and it spread twice in 8 weeks with no start of chemo!

No we havent, another reasoj i asked him to communicate with me, and he hasn’t. But yet at the start he was communicating to the hills and back!

This is just ridiculous.

If your ex has cancer he should be telling his child, not you!

A delay in results is normal - as is drinking, driving and denial. If you have secondary cancer in the liver you are screwed anyway.

Asking him how he is doing is hardly a big thing - so what?

And if he has lied, and it will be very easy to know soon enough then you can celebrate the fact you did the right thing leaving a pathological liar. It might be worth considering protecting your child from him completely if that’s the case.

He might not need chemo for the testicular cancer. If it has metastasized they will need to make a new plan, which takes time. There are many many types of chemo, and the one they commonly use for testicular cancer might not be the best course of action if it has spread.

What does he want you to do as a result of him having cancer? Like it could all be lies, but what has he gained from those lies?

Id just stop speaking to him this much. Dont forget to not include the bank holidays as part of the time.

has it changed how he is parenting?

This. Does he often lie for no reason and no gain? Or has he got you doing the most if the parenting?

Tbh op from what you say about him being a liar in other things and that he's an ex I think you need to drop it and back off. He's your ex and you don't sound like you respect him (nothing wrong with that if he was a crap partner!) but essentially it's not your job to support him. And it's not your business to know his private medical stuff. Your job and business is your child. Keep your communication with ex about child contact/child health/only child related stuff. Be ready to support your child if ex tells he has cancer but don't do anything more to find out. You may be out on the spot when your kid is suddenly upset but you know that's a possibility so can prepare yourself. Or you may find nothing comes from this and you have saved yourself all this wondering. You said he lied about other stuff before so stop feeding this stop the attention. He's not your partner you don't owe him any support.

Does it matter?
He isn't your partner, your only concern should be your shared child, if he hasn't told her about it and it isn't affecting her visits then you need to just take a step back.
If you think he is conning someone or starts trying to use it to his advantage then maybe think again, but in the meantime either he does ir he doesn't but it will become apparent eventually and you do NOT want to be the person who accuses a cancer patient of lying, that is unforgivable and will damage your co parenting relationship.

Most men don’t need a cancer diagnosis to reduce parenting, most just drop by the way side without a word…

This wasnt meant for an attack, fuck me!!

if you read my original post it said it had took me a lot to write this, as i dont want to!! I wouldnt write a post asking for advice for no reason or if something was telling me something was up!!

i was simply asking if someoje might of known the process and could maybe put my mind at ease, now to put in a nutshell, this is a man who lies and manipulates and still controls and if you havent been in that position please dont comment and theres mever no reason to lie as its a pathological!

but thanks for tje genuine advice, not so thankful for the personal attack ones!! Time will tell!!

You need to calm down and get some sleep, therapy and chill. You are very worked up. It’s not obvious why.

i was simply asking if someoje might of known the process and could maybe put my mind at ease

You've had more than a few posters advise that it is quite possible that the timelines you've been given, the treatment plans and the additional diagnoses are not only believable but lived experiences. It may also be that your ex is a huge liar and is making it all up, in which case he's an even more intolerable human being than you've described.

You won't know either way until you get more information from him, which he's not obliged to share with you. Your kids may be about to lose their dad who may be awaiting a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. The dates match up, nothing anyone says can confirm if he's telling the truth or not.