DH being treated differently at treatment center

[Lilgreygoose]

I don’t know what I hope to gain from this but feeling so deflated.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. I was spared going through chemo, but did surgery, radiation and now on hormone therapy which is not going particularly well.

The general treatment I have received from the cancer treatment center (not NHS) has not been that great: disinterested staff going through the motions, stuff not being ready eg. go in for a blood draw appointment, there’s no blood draw order on file; being left in consulting room (not the waiting room) for around 45 minutes before being seen; people having no idea why I’m there because Dr hasn’t completed referral notes. It’s endless, literally some snafu at every single appointment and I feel like I’ve been through a meat grinder.

My husband has developed a (hopefully non-cancerous) condition that is treated in the same center. I accompanied him to his appointment today.

What a difference: nurses all smiley and warm; offering him drinks and warm blankets; everything ready; no waiting. The nurse literally said in front of me how lovely it was to see him and that the haematologist had told her in advance what a “great guy” he was and how it was a really nice way for her to start her day.

They treat him totally differently.

While I’m happy for him he is having a better experience, it’s left me feeling really, really low. It just doesn’t seem fair.

If it's the same department/staff then it's probably cos he's a man.
If it's a different department then maybe they're just a nicer and more organised bunch.

Are you saying it’s exactly the same department, staff etc so everything is the same except the person being treated?

Well, it’s different departments but a lot of shared resources. He falls under haematology, I fall under the breast care center. But they share a significant number of the same resources though eg. We’ve both had blood draws from the same person; it’s the same mix of people who do the pre-appointment vital checks etc.
edited to add: I’ve had an appointment in the exact same chair/room as he was in this morning.

I'm sorry you've felt this way.

I would wait until new year. It may be people are just particularly joyous because it's the festive period.

It’s going to be interesting- he’s got two more appointments coming up so it’ll be interesting to see if the festive period makes a difference.

I've found the same. They all treat Dh so well, nurses lovely. I took Dh to one of my appointments re my back being broken in 4 places which they dismissed, and he was shocked at how poorly I was treated.

That's awful.

I really hope for OPs sake it's just festive joy because the actual alternative really is too difficult to accept and I would hate to think we've harped back to the days woman aren't treated equally and respected equally.

But if it's the case OP I think a letter pointing it out would be acceptable. Even more weight of your DH writes about how his care has far outweighed his wife's and how he's disappointed you didn't receive the same level of care.

Cancer is a cruel disease as it is. Without feeling respected or valued during treatment.

I remember reading some research recently which demonstrated that women tended to be treated worse in healthcare - more likely to have initial symptoms dismissed, more likely to be talked down to etc.
It's shit.
I've found I get treated better if I look smarter/professional when I attend appointments!

I went to our gp with back problems and got dismissed.
Took dh with me to next appointment and I got referred to a consultant.

My husband did/does accompany me to a number of the appointments. It doesn’t really make that much of a difference.

I think it was the “great guy” comment that has tipped me over the edge. What exactly has he done differently to me? I’m a nice person. I say please & thank you. I’m polite. I don’t lose my rag about being left for 45 minutes. Never a nice word about my demeanour.

You madam, need a penis.

I wonder if because as a rule men tend to only see a GP as a last resort.
They were happy he was brave enough to go and seek medical help.

Or maybe they are just shitty people to ladies.

I was treated for breast cancer and I had a great experience with all the health care staff.

Please mention to your Macmillan nurse as you are just as important and need to feel cared for.

Misogyny is rampant. Much of it from women 🤷‍♀️

I often say to my DH that "I should have taken my penis with me"
From medical appointments for the DC or me, to big ticket item shopping. And particularly to the main dealer garage when there is something wrong with my car.

Sad but true

Hope that both your treatments go well.

I agree. Both DH and I have cancer. My “care” has been one mistake after another, having to fight for a diagnosis, even at hospital, with rude and uncaring staff. Post-treatment, there are no follow-ups at all. DH has invested staff, precautionary treatment, and frequent follow-ups.

DH and I have had very similar shoulder injuries. We went to the same clinic. I had to go through a couple of exams and was sent for X-rays and another scan to only be told to do rest, ice, ibuprofen and physical therapy. He for the same diagnosis, but didn’t have to do the extra scans to be believed and got steroids and muscles relaxers.

we pay for our medical care so the extra exams means I paid more for less medicine.

Absolutely this. I have a chronic autoimmune disease and the treatment I have received can honestly only be described as shocking and often worse with the women consultants I’ve seen.

My favourite line was ‘how were we to know that you had a rare disease, do you know how many middle aged women we see, who moan and groan about their aches and pains’ this was Rheumatology - I was too ill and stunned at the time to even be able to come up with a response. So yes OP I can well believe that your treatment and the attitude from staff has been very different to your DP’s.

It’s utterly shit. My dad went to his GP with vague symptoms of Parkinson’s and was immediately referred on for further tests. My mum went to the same GP with almost identical symptoms, in fact hers were worse, and was fobbed off with ‘it’s stress’. Dad was fine, took mum four years to get a diagnosis and yes, it was Parkinson’s. Misogyny is alive and well in the NHS.

Medical misogyny is well known and is disgraceful. I think until there are actual court cases nothing will change. However it would be incredibly challenging to prove - you would literally need people of both sexes with identical cancers etc so impossible really.

OMG! I’m snorting at this

I’m sorry, I’m still laughing so much this deserves a second shout out.

Perhaps I should purchase a dildo, take it out at appointments and when they do something stupid, ask “Sorry, did you not see my penis?”

I’d complain about several of those aspects of treatment. It’s poor service, and it’s not conducive to good treatment of recovery for you.

I’ve broadly had really good interactions with the NHS, though have sometimes noticed similar to what you describe with DH; though struggle a bit to put it down to medical misogyny because equally DH is a much more garrulous and pleasing hospital interaction than I am. American but from one of the lesser-travelled parts, receptive to waiting room chats with anyone, calls everyone Sir or Ma’am, will commandeer a trolley if he sees an orderly struggling. I am nice and polite and say all the right things, but he probably makes for a much better provider-patient experience all around.

(Equally DH would absolutely complain about uninterested or poor treatment because he wasn’t raised to be obsequious around healthcare providers as if they’re putting themselves out for some sort of charitable exercise rather than doing healthcare provision which we all actually pay for!)

Because you are a woman and he is not.

It's well documented there is health inequality between the sexes. Add in race and disability and some people are just utterly fucked with out health care system

Perhaps they've been given a kick up the arse by PALS, or maybe a particular toxic boss has left - it's funny how much that can impact morale.

It’s not NHS. I’m in the US, but not from the US. So indeed, I am paying handsomely for this delightful treatment.

We do gain a bit of attention generally as 1.) there are two of us; 2.) we bring the average patient age down by about 20 years; and 3) we have accents.

They think our accents are wonderful. I put up with the small talk about the same as my husband. It can get tedious but we play along anyway. Perhaps my husband has a better poker face (I don’t think he does)

I’m not sure it is medical misogyny but perhaps there is some element of that.

Also, thinking about it, my husband falls out of bed looking reasonably handsome, where I arrive at a 7:15am appointment looking like a poorly taxidermied squirrel. I’m clean, I’ve showered but I’m not exactly put together.

I’ve actually stopped putting in any effort for my appointments because when I complain about side effects doing a number on me, the response is: but you look well enough.

I just can’t win!

I’m still feeling like it’s personal, like they think I'm not a nice person or something.