My DH is exhausted caring for me

[Hopeles5]

I was operated one month ago for a malignant tumour in my lung and am now home but need lots of help. DP isn’t working at the moment (lost his job 2 years ago due to anxiety exacerbated by bullying from his immediate boss) and suffers from anxiety and is also type 1 diabetic which makes him very tired. He is jobhunting and finding it difficult.

Despite medication I am in pain and often feeling quite depressed about not being able to do things. DH is brilliant at helping me but I can see he is exhausted and sometimes he cracks under the stress. We don’t really have anyone else who could help although obviously I have lots of medical support.

How can I help him feel less tired and stressed and also know how much I love and appreciate him?

We are not in the U.K., if that makes any difference.

Thank you and love to everyone affected by cancer. Sending you all strength.

He’s not working and has only had to care for you and do the bulk of the housework for that last month? Personally, I’d tell him to toughen up and stop being so wet.

That sounds really tough on both of you. Could you see if there's any cancer charities in your area that may offer help. Or any other charities aimed at helping people with serious illnesses. Also your local authority might have provisions to help.

@Onthesideofthespiders not helpful!

I can see the same with DH more and more. It’s the emotional toil more than anything. I have absolutely no suggestions but you’re not alone.

Seriously, obviously not had caring responsibilities to juggle with running a household. It can be mentally and emotionally as well as physically exhausting. Could he or yourself reach out to a carers group in your area who could offer support.

I have. I’m a single working parent with autistic child and cares for my gran through dementia. The guy doesn’t have a job and has only has to care for her for a month. Really…

But they do say that when men need care, women will stay in the marriage but when women need care, men will divorce them. Guess he’s just being a man.

Sorry I think my post wasn’t clear, he will need to care for me for longer than one month.

Must admit that I agree!

I think you have to be pragmatic about it then. Unfortunately, men do leave the marriage when woman become incapacitated in some way or require care. It’s only been a month and his only responsibility at the moment is to you and the house. That’s not actually much. When he is working as well… it won’t get any better.

You can look into hiring carers to come in every day to wash you, sign up to a food delivery service, hire a cleaner etc. But all of that requires money. If you don’t have money, you have fewer options.
What benefits are available where you live? Do you get any to help cover costs for things like that, or will your local authority cover caters etc?

Have previous posters missed that the husband has type 1 diabetes so is dealing with a serious health condition himself? Or that caring is widely acknowledged to be hard?
If finances allow, getting a cleaner or carer to take on some of the work could help.
Maybe you could find a local charity with advice or help.
You could look into whether any benefits are available in your country.
Do any of your family live nearby? If you are going to need family support longer term, would it be feasible to move back to your country of origin?
Wishing you all the best going forwards.

Youve cared for him for two years while he's been out of work, and from the way you describe his difficulties, it sounds like youve been very sympathetic and caring. Well now its his turn to return the favour. You are recovering from major surgery and you are very ill and in pain. I say with kindness, that perhaps you have fallen into the automatic posiiton of seeing HIM as the one who needs support, sheltering and care - perhasp because of his diabetes and losing his job, bullying etc. Stop being a martyr and stop taking on his troubles. If there was ever a time to concentrate on yourself, your health, peace of mind and soul and focus on resting and getting better, this is it. He can be tired and overwhelemed for a bit, its now his turn to step up to the plate and support YOU. Best of luck xxx

What support options are available where you are? It sounds like you need some practical support as well as emotional support.

Sorry to hear this . Unless you have experience of FT caring for someone nobody can understand how exhausting mentally and physically it can be . No helpful advice as if you are not in UK we do not know what help is available to you . Only suggestion is to try to contact a local cancer support group that may be able to help.

I think he is getting tainted with negative experiences of women here . Many men can be loving and willing to look after their partners. It still doesn't mean that they dont struggle or find it difficult .

Sorry for what you and your DH are going through. I had cancer a couple of years ago and spent a year in fairly intensive treatment (surgery x 2, chemo, radio) before went to just Tamoxifen though 7 weeks ago had DIEP and a week in hospital. My husband was absolutely brilliant but it is a lot mentally and physically for both of you.

How long are you unable to do things for? I am currently on 12 weeks restrictions and only allowed walking. It is difficult not being able to do things - what I have found helped is once a week we go somewhere nice for a walk together like a botanical gardens, recently been fireworks, soon there will be Christmas lights events. Re him knowing you appreciate him doing these together helps, telling him and could even write him a card. I would echo the advice about seeing if you are eligible for any benefits - we have got a cleaner in once a month during times when I've been not allowed to clean etc and that has made a big difference. Other things simplify if finances allow like online shopping, takeaways. My husband finds it easier if he gets a break to do something like one of his hobbies from time to time, as long as its pre planned can generally work around it.

When I was nursing my DH (and I didn't have OP's DH's medical and mental health issues), I arranged to have a cleaner. The fact that I 'had nothing else to do' and was at home all day, isn't the point. The emotional burden and the unpredictability of the situation means that any practical burden of responsibility that can be lifted is a great help. If you can afford it, that's something that might help him.

Also if you are not able to walk yet if the weather is up to it and you are up to it something like sitting in the garden together with a little lunch can be nice. We have also done that with sandwiches and cakes.

I don’t know what’s available but does he have support managing his diabetes? The better it’s managed the better he’ll feel. If he can get out and exercise regularly in a green space - even walking - it might help with his mood and give him a break (get advice from diabetes support on what’s suitable.)

Please don’t neglect your own emotional wellbeing.

He doesn’t work and has to look after one adult? Get this man a medal..

Think of all the single mothers who hold down a job and look after several demanding dependent children.

Agree with the poster labelling him as ‘wet’.

Have you ever nursed a spouse with cancer?

What a thing to say! OP has cancer, is recovering from an operation and is worrying about her DH - but she has to be pragmatic about it and men leave marriages when women become incapacitated. Wow - and also sweeping statement!

Have you ever been through a serious illness yourself? I have. Being pragmatic and making sure things were planned, contingencies worked out and knowing all my options was a huge part of getting through it. I’ve been both a carer and cared for. Sometimes you have to focus on the reality of your situation.

You clearly have no idea how type one diabetes is exhausting in itself let alone other day to day tasks on top.

You're obviously missing the part about him being type one diabetic. Thats a chronic illness In itself. He's not being wet, the poor bloke is exhausted.

Have you thought about maybe getting a cleaner in? Or maybe a paid carer?

What do people in your position who don't have a spouse or partner do OP? Presumably there are charities and carers who will pick up that slack. If your DH isn't coping and you will need long-term care I think I would look into getting people in. Alternatively, is there a convalescent place you could go for a bit to give you care and peace and him space to recharge?

If he is suffering diabetic fatigue so badly and so often then he isn’t managing his condition properly. You don’t have to live like that with diabetes.