My DH is exhausted caring for me

[Hopeles5]

I was operated one month ago for a malignant tumour in my lung and am now home but need lots of help. DP isn’t working at the moment (lost his job 2 years ago due to anxiety exacerbated by bullying from his immediate boss) and suffers from anxiety and is also type 1 diabetic which makes him very tired. He is jobhunting and finding it difficult.

Despite medication I am in pain and often feeling quite depressed about not being able to do things. DH is brilliant at helping me but I can see he is exhausted and sometimes he cracks under the stress. We don’t really have anyone else who could help although obviously I have lots of medical support.

How can I help him feel less tired and stressed and also know how much I love and appreciate him?

We are not in the U.K., if that makes any difference.

Thank you and love to everyone affected by cancer. Sending you all strength.

Does have a insulin pump or is he MDI? Is he mostly high all the time or having hypos?

I know everyone is different but my mother in law just had a lung removed due to cancer. She is 72 and 1 month on is managing by herself. Surely he does not need to do everything for you.
However OP, your case may be different and for whatever reason you are struggling.
Your husband should be able to
Manage though unless he is unwell too.

You need to get carers to do what he can't. He is ill too and you need to actually take steps to take the strain off him.

Yes, I have breast cancer, though you ask the question in a way that suggests I can't possibly know what it's like to have a serious illness.

My point is serious illness is hard enough without people suggesting many husbands will leave incapacitated wives. Hearing this sort of thing might have worked for you but won't for everyone with a serious illness. We're all different and approach it differently. It's also a sweeping generalisation. And for the record, I don't have a DH or DP so have no experience of a man staying or leaving me during cancer.

@Onthesideofthespiders you don't have to however he currently is struggling with it. Those calling him wet and to man up, how is that helpful?

Op needs to look at taking some strain off him as well. They are both unwell.

I'd contact Macmillan. They were fab when mum had cancer, organised all sorts for her.

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but worry about yourself and your recovery. Let him help you , it's up to him to manage his anxiety and mental health definitely shouldn't be yours given your current health status . Does he go for walks ? Get out of the house into the fresh air to clear his head ?

Just tell him thank you for all he is doing and that you appreciate him that's all you can do .

She's not in the UK

Clearly no experience of how draining it is caring for someone you love with a serious illness. It's exhausting, physically and mentally. OP is very nice to recognise that because she appreciates him.

OP is there any chance some of your care can be outsourced to take some stress of your partner?

@Onthesideofthespiders

Well done.
(I'd probably be an anxious mess).
🍀

Part of me agrees with posters who say that while this is hard, it's not insanely different to what a lot of people have to do. BUT, I think at the end of the day, you are both finding things hard and it's perfectly okay for you to want ideas to make things better.

I assume money is a bit tight but my top point would be, if you can afford it, to get some help in - cleaner, housekeeper, pre-prepared meals etc. DH and I often say that if we had more money we'd use a service for washing, drying and (where necessary) ironing bedding, towels and shirts. Day to day clothes washing is easy to keep on top of but once a week someone collecting beding, towels etc would be amazing!

Also, what "treats" can you do for both of you? Planning movie night at home for example, or, if you're up for heading out, a trip to the cinema/movie/spa/theatre or whatever?

I am chronically ill and needing quite a bit if support.
Ive also being a carer.
im afraid I agree that men often dint cope well in being in that role. My experience both with dh and with some family members.

Having saud that, my advice would be to deal with the situation as if you were single. I don’t mean it flippantly either but he is struggling to take on the day to day tasks you were doing (and I’m going to assume it es more than 50% of the hw wtc…). It can be anything from getting a robot hoover that cleans the floors automatically to having a cleaner once a week, doing your shopping online, batch cooking or using a slow cooker. But if you think you were on your iwn, how would you cope?
It will help relieve some of the practical day to day stuff.
You can also work on the ratio of 5 to1 positive interactions vs a negative one. See what Gottmann talks about. It’s very general stuff about looking after your relationship but might help quite a bit too.

The rest is up to him and there isn’t a lot you can do
If he is struggling to control his diabetes and he is getting tired from it, he should be back to his GP. And with anxiety (and ADs).
After that, any support group for carer/cancer, counselling would probably be helpful to get his head around what’s going on. I can imagine he is very worried from the mix of his anxiety and your diagnosis. However, you need to remember you can’t solve that fir him. You can’t take the anxiety away.

Finally, please look after yourself first and foremost. And yes I do mean before him. Get all the support you can get (and again counselling, cancer support groups are all helpful). Don’t feel guilty if you dint as much as before. It’s normal!! But the more you look after yourself, the quicker you’ll recover from the surgery (and any other treatment afterwards) which also means the easier it will be on him too!
And let’s be honest here. You are the one who is ill, needs care and support.
For a while, he was the ‘poorly’ partner in the relationship (with good reasons). And whilst he is still poorly, you’re the one whose needs are the greatest just now. He needs to acknowledge that rather than playing ‘poor me, I’m not coping’

I agree - we had vr every demanding jobs but my husabnd refused to allow us to get any services in. I ended up having a psychotic break form stress. id begged him to let us get a cleaner becasue I cooked food every night from scratch, did all the laundry, all the household admin and mental load stuff. I should have said more loudly I needed help. our life is utterly devastated now and ive not been able to work for nine years.