Not sure how to support my friend with stage 4 cancer

[Butterfly8091]

My DF was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We found out about 6 weeks ago and have been in regular contact, visiting, offering to look after her young 2 DCs, do school pick-ups, have them over at our house etc. but rarely taken up on our offer. Other friends have experienced the same. She started chemo and last week was in hospital. During the week I called her 3 times and she didn't answer although she was able to talk. She did reply to a message where I was advising I was going to visit and if she wanted anything. She accepted my offer of a fresh soup and ate it whilst I was there and chatted away during my visit as she was feeling better. I am starting to wonder that we may be putting too much pressure through our offers to help as they are still trying to process everything they are going through. She is quite ill, not able to walk without aid and in pain a lot of the time. She does have her mother staying with them since the diagnosis so they are not alone. My DH also met her DH a few times with another friend to give him a bit of space to talk and reflect although he never asked to talk, it was always initiated by my DH and DF.

I am thinking about sending them this message and would be grateful for your feedback on how they might perceive it as I worry they might think we are giving up on them?

"It’s really hard for us to know how to support you and we're always worried that we might disturb, unsettle or pressure you in any way, even though we have the best intentions. We know it's terribly difficult for you as you learn how to get through with each day. We think it might be better to step back so you have time to process without any pressure from us. You never need to accept anything that doesn’t feel good to you. We're always ready to be by your side, but we realize that we truly help only when there's a specific request or need from you. Let us know when you feel the need for a chat, a visit, or anything else. We're here anytime. We'd be very happy to get news if possible, but we understand that even keeping us updated can be a pressure sometimes. If it's okay, I'll send a message from time to time?"

I found what worked best with my friend was to send occasional chatty messages which didn't ask questions and didn't need an answer - comments on things I'd read, photos of places we had visited etc. She didn't always have the energy/capacity to read them let alone respond, but sometimes she did.

I think the first part of your message, although obviously written with love, is a bit too pressuring (ironic I know - just remembering what my friend said and I may well be getting it wrong). If you can contact your friend's husband and suggest practical things like childcare, letting them know they can call on you for that at any time of the day or night, meals for the freezer etc, that might be easier for them to process.

It is absolutely devastating to watch a friend go through this, and so horrible when you desperately want to help and are unsure how.

God no, don't send that, it reads as "Woe is me, I don't know what to do so I'm going to leave you to it"....

I think your message - whilst with good intentions - is added pressure to your friend. She's got terminal cancer but you're basically saying 'this situation is too hard for us to deal with- so we're stepping back'

Honestly you sound like you're dumping her.

So no...this message comes across as about your needs, and what you assume she is feeling/needs. I know you mean well but it's presumptive to assume she'd want you to step back, it's only been 6 weeks, that's nothing, she'll barely have begun to come to terms with it. When my partner died I've have been so hurt if someone decided after 6 weeks of limited engagement that I wanted to see less of them.

Her husband has a lifetime of widowhood in front of him, you could be thinking about supporting this family over years to come not a matter of weeks.

Also who is the "we"? It needs to be personally from you, you are her friend.

Make it as easy and low pressure for her as possible. Messaging is better than calling. Send a regular check in message. Offer to visit. Send her other bits too, not just cancer/we're so sad stuff. If she ignores you, that's fine, try again in a day or two.

I wouldn’t send it. You are making this about yourself a bit. Let her guide you, she knows where you are, check in from time to time, offer to take more food as she obviously enjoyed the soup. Don’t add anymore pressure to her, you will stress her out and she might end up directing any anger she feels about her situation at you.

Sorry, but I also think your message is too long/heavy.
I think this is very hard because everyone is different, but I heard someone say recently how hard they found it when they were ill to respond to and even think about what they needed when they were ill - all the messages saying 'let me know what I can do' added an extra level of stress.
They said what they appreciated most was just friends DOING stuff that needed doing - dropping off food/ cakes/ walking dogs/ collecting children. Can you liaise more with her DH?

Just dial it back slightly, but continue to check in, maybe just once a week? Just chatty, sharing your own news etc.. Don't make every contact about their situation. You could end every contact with "you know where we are and are here for anything you need xx"

Meant to say it's good that you are there for them though, because sadly lots of people dissappear when their friends are facing something like that.

Don't send that message. I know you have good intentions but it's really bad. Like you're passive aggressively criticising her for not appreciating / engaging with you enough.

She doesn't need to know about your thoughts and feelings right now.

Continue to offer help, if you get the sense that she's too exhausted or ill to process those offers, then speak with her husband instead. Send her simple messages of support and even just funny / cute memes / reels etc where there is no need to respond.

A quick "always here for you if you need a chat, please don't feel pressured to give updates though" would be much better than the message you've suggested.

thank you all - much appreciated. I feared my message would be perceived in this way. "We" refers to me and my DH. my thought was that would remove the pressure for them knowing we are here but will let them call us when they need us. Reading your replies helped a lot and will take your advice on not sending the message. So far we've been doing more or less what's been suggested so will keep doing that but less often. Thank you again.

My lovely friend was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with liver and bone metastases in July. I messaged her a couple of times a week, just checking in, and telling her to call me if she needed anything. I visited her every 10 days or so, just to sit with her and fill her in on all the latest news. If she was too weary to talk, we would listen to music or a podcast. She died last week and I am so glad I made the effort to support her during her final illness. So many people backed off, no knowing what to do or what to say, promising to catch up with her 'when she was better' and are now grief-stricken at having missed the chance for one last hug.

Please don't send that message, it's awful.

I have just lost my closest friend to stage 4 cancer. Similar to what appears to be with your friend it was diagnosed at stage 4 - she was diagnosed in A&E and admitted, then transferred to a hospice as she was too unwell for palliative chemo.

She found responding to texts and phone calls exhausting, mentally and physically. What helped her was setting up a friends and family WhatsApp group to discuss visits, times and was a space where she or her family could give updates only once.

When she felt able, we would have phone calls and short visits - but on her terms and though I messaged her every day made it clear that there was no pressure to respond.

I took my cue what to talk about from her; it gave her comfort to talk about planning for end of life so she wanted to talk about her funeral choices, music etc.

Don't take it personally if she doesn't have a lot of time for you or other friends; there's a lot of life admin to get through in what may be a short time frame such as wills, plans for children, death in service benefit or other insurance policies. Plus, if she is in pain the medication used can be very sedating

She found the best support from a family member who stayed with her, anticipated her needs without her having to say anything, and efficiently dealt with any admin and acted as a gatekeeper for visits.

If you wanted to do anything, think about anything you could do to make her caregivers' needs easier as well - such as messaging her mother / husband and cooking a family meal etc or getting nice ready meals in and leaving on door step etc

No do not send that it s too long and is about you...

Maybe ask her mother and dh to set a group chat and be more specific.
I am free to take the dc out on Thursday after school does that work for you?
I have a batch of Cook meals to drop offon Wednesday does that work for you?

Agree with this

Sorry to be harsh but you sound like you are trying to make yourself feel better
I can't imagine how your friend must be feeling but I think I would like to be left alone with my family

A friend of mine died from cancer a few years ago. I visited her when I could (not local) but when she got really sick we also got into a habit of keeping in touch because we both listened to The Archers! We would swap a couple of quick messages after each episode, just about the plot or whatever. It kept things "normal" and gave us something to talk about other than illness. If there is a similar TV or radio programme you both enjoy, that might be an option for you too.

Dont send that OP, this isn't about you

I agree - keep in touch but don’t put pressure on her to respond.

chatty notes which don’t contain questions, so that she doesn’t feel she has to reply will be best.

and sometimes a reminder that as always you’re there at the drop of a hat to help, however big or small.

I am in the same position as your DF. I know you haven’t sent that message (good) and would say just what others have said, send chatty messages every few days that don’t need an answer eg hi just me sending a wee message to say hi. Have finally succumbed to putting the heating on and taking the winter blankets out. Not much happening in What House, give me a wee shout if you need anything or feel like a visit. You sound like a lovely friend 😀

I would feel incredibly abandoned getting a message like that. It sounds like it’s putting the onus on your friend. And I say that as someone who has had cancer.

Agree with continuing to send messages that don’t contain questions. Your message (which I know you’re not sending) puts even more pressure on someone who is dealing with a lot.

You sound like a lovely friend. It's a really difficult time to navigate. Everyone deals with their own mortality in different ways. I had one friend who never spoke about her illness and it was a shock when she died as none of her friends suspected the end was close. Another who was just very angry as she had been fobbed off by her doctor and now it was too late and one who was just really sad. Just reach out when you can, send messages without expectation and talk often with the family. Offer what they need, not what you need.

Far too wiffly waffly and woe is me.

a short and simple, I love you, will do whatever you need whether that be leave you alone, bring wine or (insert suitable friendship thing). Just say.

then I’d be in touch with her family so I don’t bug her.

So sorry for you and your friend and best wishes to you both.

Just to say that living with stage 4 can be for years with lots of periods of intrusive treatment, but also plateaus where nothing much happens.

Keeping a consistent presence is hugely appreciated, especially if it's light touch and not all about the cancer.

Correspondence can be exhausting. What may be better is less contact so try to get everything across in one or two messages once or twice a week rather than multiple daily.

If you can arrange set days for specific help (eg school run) and make it clear you’re available when you are for anything else.

I think you sound lovely the fact you’re worrying so much shows how much you care

I'm glad you have rethought sending that message,. Could you just send her a message saying it was lovely to spend time with her and you'd love to pop by with more soup for a chat on x date (maybe pre check with her DH or Mum to see if she has any appointments/plans) if that works. Plus you know things are changeable so you'll confirm the day before/morning of. Then lots of love etc etc. and send a few nice chatty messages in between.

She may have very limited capacity to think about how you can help so an understanding low demand offer of company may be the way to go.

And I agree with PP keep in touch with her DH or Mum and let them know you are happy to assist.