Not sure how to support my friend with stage 4 cancer

[Butterfly8091]

My DF was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We found out about 6 weeks ago and have been in regular contact, visiting, offering to look after her young 2 DCs, do school pick-ups, have them over at our house etc. but rarely taken up on our offer. Other friends have experienced the same. She started chemo and last week was in hospital. During the week I called her 3 times and she didn't answer although she was able to talk. She did reply to a message where I was advising I was going to visit and if she wanted anything. She accepted my offer of a fresh soup and ate it whilst I was there and chatted away during my visit as she was feeling better. I am starting to wonder that we may be putting too much pressure through our offers to help as they are still trying to process everything they are going through. She is quite ill, not able to walk without aid and in pain a lot of the time. She does have her mother staying with them since the diagnosis so they are not alone. My DH also met her DH a few times with another friend to give him a bit of space to talk and reflect although he never asked to talk, it was always initiated by my DH and DF.

I am thinking about sending them this message and would be grateful for your feedback on how they might perceive it as I worry they might think we are giving up on them?

"It’s really hard for us to know how to support you and we're always worried that we might disturb, unsettle or pressure you in any way, even though we have the best intentions. We know it's terribly difficult for you as you learn how to get through with each day. We think it might be better to step back so you have time to process without any pressure from us. You never need to accept anything that doesn’t feel good to you. We're always ready to be by your side, but we realize that we truly help only when there's a specific request or need from you. Let us know when you feel the need for a chat, a visit, or anything else. We're here anytime. We'd be very happy to get news if possible, but we understand that even keeping us updated can be a pressure sometimes. If it's okay, I'll send a message from time to time?"

Christ I'm so glad you didn’t send that awful message. I’ve had cancer and I’d have been furious and upset if a so-called friend was demanding I chat on her schedule when I might tired, upset or just having a cup of tea, watching mindless telly & trying not to think about cancer for a bit or just not wanting to rehash her health and treatment for the tenth time that day. Let alone getting a text that you are going to dump me while I’m going through hell. Also please don’t tell someone with stage 4 cancer how they ‘must’ be feeling. You don’t know! Just send chatty, friendly texts with no questions in them. You can say ‘let me know if I can help and I’m always up for a chat or coffee if you fancy it but don’t worry’. Please don’t make her devastating news about you.

If I’d got back from chemo & read a text that started with ‘it’s really hard for US’ I’d have thrown my phone across the room!

my sister shut out her friends and screened her msg & phone calls when she was in the last 6 months of her terminal cancer she just couldnt cope with everyone and didnt want to deal with their emotions.

I would liase with her mum and DH about what needs done, even if its just collecting prescriptions, doing laundry, cleaning, sitting with your friend to allow those caring for her to have a break, sometimes you just need to turn up and do rather than ask because more than likely asking for time and help is a struggle when you are in the eye of this storm.

sending hugs after caring for my sister and seeing her friends hearts break too many of them lived away where she lived for most of her life and were like sisters to her i gave them updates so she didnt have to deal with it

I obviously asked for advice as I just don't know what to do. I wasn't demanding anything from her, in fact I thought I was doing the opposite.

I admit it is a little bit about me too as I am having some mental and physical health struggles myself and really don't want to do her wrong in any way as well as protecting myself and my family from unnecessary stress. I was thinking that I was being practical by removing myself in case I was putting any pressure on her. It's hard to know you are doing the right thing when you don't get any feedback, which I realise would be the last thing to think of when going through this nightmare. All contact has been initiated by me since her diagnosis and never know if she feels like chatting, having visitors as she sometimes replies/calls back and sometimes doesn’t. Our offers for practical help have been mostly turned down so made us feel unwanted. Common friends have had a similar experience.

I am practical by nature and struggle when I don't get clear feedback, request for help so I know what to do. I am more than happy to help if I know I am needed but I also appreciate that someone going through this might just want to be alone or just with family....at least until they figured out what they need. I worried we may have overstepped. We are not best friends, I met her a few years ago but got close enough that we visited each other regularly and really liked each other's company, including our families. We also live very close to each other.

I am glad you got at the side of cancer.

I will not send the message, just felt I should explain a bit further.

Please don't send that. I know friends and family were well-intentioned but the pressure on me to "allow" them to help me was too much
! I wanted to be treated as normal

Fancy a coffee?
Just seen this on Netflix and it's fab ...
I've just seen Mandy. She's moving house ..

Etc etc.

This is not your cancer. She is coping fine with thw support she has and wants be normal

Please ensure you end any messages you send with "absolutely no need to reply."

I took am in in your friend's position. Whilst I am beyond grateful to have an amazing group of women who support me and are willing to do anything for me, it can be exhausting when you are getting 15 messages a day and feeling pressured to reply. One of my good friends set up a WhatsApp group for everyone, but keeping me out of it. She updates everyone whenever there is any news and uses it to organise lifts to appointments for me etc and cooking rotas. Can you do something similar for your friend?

Too wordy, OP, far too wordy. Please do not send that message or any version of it.

A simple “hi honey hope you’re doing ok, let us know when’s good to swing by” followed by offers to bring whatever, once she’s invited you to visit. Meanwhile, send the kind of chatter you’d normally send.

You just have to take your lead from her. When my best friend was dying we were much younger so there were no husbands or DCs to consider, but she just didn't want to talk about her illness. I used to message her every day about Home and Away. She'd answer about that, but little about her illness, even though she was happy to discuss in person.

Follow her lead, what she needs will likely change from week to week or month to month. Stage 4 can be heartbreakingly quick or can last years.

Keep in touch every few days but never include questions in your messages and give her non cancer things to reply to.

Terminal cancer can make people really push back / push away from their friends and family. I’ve nursed 3 people through terminal cancer and every one of them has more or less completely cut off contact with everyone except for very close family towards the end. It’s just too exhausting- physically and mentally - to maintain friendships. You really must not take it personally and must be led by them and how much contact they want to have.

One of the people (my Mum) completely broke off contact with her best friend about 8 weeks before she died, she wouldn’t answer her calls or texts and refused to have her visit. It was difficult, the friend was heartbroken and would ring me in tears (which was hard for me too!) but she was just exhausted and didn’t want to have to speak to anyone.

When I was having cancer treatment replying to messages or even thinking about how to reply was exhausting. If anyone visited me I may have seemed well enough to talk, but the effort probably would have completely wiped me out afterwards. I found typing on my phone hard work, and my brain was in a constant state of fog. Plus I had a general sort of detachment/depression/disinterest in everything. I know during that phase there were lots of messages that were left on read. I still appreciated knowing my friends & family cared and were happy to offer help, I just couldn't express it to them at the time. If I'd needed specific help from someone I'd have asked (or more likely asked DH to ask), or if someone offered something specific I'd probably have responded if it was helpful.

In my case I recovered so fortunately I've been able to tell my friends & family how grateful I was. I'm sure your friend is too, even if she doesn't actually say it. I really wouldn't message her anything specific, more just keep checking in and don't be offended if she doesn't reply.

What ever message you send needs to centre her. Starting with “it’s really hard for us…” sets the wrong tone despite your good intentions.

Agree with all the responses re how exhausting & overwhelming it can be when your phone is blowing up with questions and missed calls. Cancer patients need time to rest, recover from the latest treatment, be with their partner/family, watch tv, eat dinner, nap etc and don’t want to rehash their situation & treatment over and over again. Even the most well- intentioned offers of help can be burdensome as they need to be replied to. It sounds as if your friend has enough practical help. My jaw dropped when you said that her turning down help made you feel ‘unwanted’. This isn’t about you! She has terminal cancer. It’s not her priority to parcel out unnecessary jobs so other people feel important/centred. Agree with those who say to make it clear you don’t expect a reply. ‘Watching Rivals. It’s really fun and I love the 80s soundtrack’. Or just a simple ‘Thinking of you today. No need to reply x.’ Send her some flowers if you like. If your kids are friends, text her partner and suggest a play date at yours. However, if not getting the response you want makes you resentful then you are free to drop her, but don’t announce this to her and don’t pretend that it’s for her benefit.

OP, or anyone else supporting someone going through cancer treatment, might find this useful or interesting. It’s an LRB essay by the novelist Colm Toibin on his own cancer treatment (audio version there also) and I thought was good on his various states of mind as affected by chemo:

https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v41/n08/colm-toibin/instead-of-shaking-all-over-i-read-the-newspapers.-i-listened-to-the-radio.-i-had-my-lunch

Jesus op, thank fuck you didn't send that (though your update still seems quite self-centered).

Your friend is very very poorly and it sounds like she's going downhill. What I did recently was to keep up with the messaging - no response required type things, just checking in, hope you're comfortable. I dropped off her favourite nibbles, or a little bunch of her favourite flowers, or a funny card to her house - her daughter was living with her and could gate-keep so if she was awake and well (and was up for company) I stayed for a bit, otherwise happy to drop off and go.

Just keep messages short and light right now. She will be unable to cope with anything more. Just send a thinking of you message or I saw a beautiful flower today and thought of you. She will reply if she can but do not expect always. Losing a friend is very hard but right now you need to just carefully stand beside her and ask nothing of her.

I have stage 4 cancer, incurable, not actually unwell yet- but prognosis is poor.

i have backed off from some people that are not helpful to me - some are just to heavy about it and need to seem to underline their grief to me that I am going to die soon. I am taking to cancelling coffees with them. They don’t help me cope.

Others understand how bad it is, but also talk about life in general- and I go away on holiday with them.

I understand your friend is not as well as me just now. But all the more reason for her to choose who she wants to spend time with. It’s a very tricky time - and she needs to live it the way she wants to.

Send a short, simple, warm message and leave it at that. Take it from there.

I don’t suppose we understand what this feels like till we are in this situation

@RedRosesPinkLilies i am so sorry about your diagnosis and sending my thoughts.

@RedRosesPinkLilies @mumonthehill @BloodyAdultDC @Bullaun@AncientAndModern1 thank you all for your reply, advice and suggestions.

I know I may have come across as heavy or burdusome through my messages here but that's not the case. I haven't signalled anything to her about my own grief or burdened her in any way. So far I have been doing what's been suggested by everyone on here but wonderedif it was too much? I just got to the point where I started questioning whether I am actually helping her. Like it's been suggested, it's impossible to imagine what is like and don't want to walk way like so many do when dealing either cancer because of not knowing what to do. I wanted to make sure I keep doing what's right hence my question here. And I am prepared to be left aside If she feels I am not supportive and doesn't need me. I know it's about her, not me. I just struggle with my own issues and find it difficult not knowing for sure how to be there for her. I suppose the difficulty may come from not knowing each other as well so she feels it's ok to talk or ask for help like I imagine she needs. I am not the person in her life she would have called in an emergency even when she was well. Unfortunately she doesn't have many friends- only me and one other friend who live close which is why I want to be there for her if she needs me. Other friends and family live abroad including her sister.