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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

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Original poster

Not brave enough for AIBU - partner response

28 replies

onelastoct · 15/07/2024 08:18

I'm in the middle of the 2 week wait urgent referral pathway for suspected cancer waiting for investigations and signed off work for this as they could happen anytime this second week. It's obviously very stressful. My partner (who doesn't live with me) was there when the call came to advise of this. We've talked about me being off work. This morning (the second week of the 2ww), he asked if I had meetings at work today. He had completely forgotten it appears that I'm in the middle of this emotional rollercoaster (we text daily during the week so it's not likely he doesn't know what's going on).

I feel hugely hurt by this - by his seemingly lack of engagement in a process that might be hugely impactful - but don't know if I'm over-reacting due to stress. Whilst I appreciate his working life continues as normal, to ask a question based on an assumption I'm going in to work as if it's just another typical week just seems to communicate a lack of care and sensitivity to what is going on in my life.

Am I being oversensitive here?

OP posts:

itistooeasy · 15/07/2024 08:28

how long with him?

itistooeasy · 15/07/2024 08:29

he had forgotten about your cancer diagnosis?

CelesteCunningham · 15/07/2024 08:31

That's really not great. I'd be very wary of him.

timetobegin · 15/07/2024 08:34

Some people react very oddly to stress. He may be blanking things or unfocused. He won’t have forgotten your cancer scare. I would guess he’s shutting down.

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2024 08:36

I'm sorry you are going through this

Unless he is going through something that is similarly stressful, eg restructuring at his work, then it doesn't look good. When a partner doesn't "hear" you then it's usually down to them not considering you as equal. Does he normally brush over your opinions? Is he usually a very supportive partner?

Original poster

onelastoct · 15/07/2024 08:44

I've been with him 6 years. We don't live together but see each other regularly.

When I had Covid a few years back (so bad I was off work for 2 months), in the first few days I told him I had tested positive and was in bed really ill. Not a word from him for 3 days - not even to ask how I was. He later apologised but I guess, yes, he does have form.

I haven't had a definite diagnosis yet - I'm in the 2ww for a colonoscopy - but still ... it's stressful and worrying.

OP posts:

Original poster

onelastoct · 15/07/2024 08:46

Yes, he's supportive in lots of other ways.

A moment before he came out with that blinder of a question, I'd said I was worried. Just weird.

OP posts:

CountFucula · 15/07/2024 09:31

I think people have become immune to the ‘two week wait’ and see it as a necessary step towards getting the all clear rather than a horrible wait for the person concerned.
He sounds thoughtless but perhaps he doesn’t really grasp the urgency here?

AutumnFroglets · 15/07/2024 09:45

Oh... he's one of those. You are not allowed to be ill OP, ever. Because that would mean you can't put his needs first.

Out of curiosity have you ever had to say no to him in your relationship before? Normally they react badly to that too.

VenusStarr · 15/07/2024 09:55

I'm sorry you're going through this @onelastoct I am also on the tww, but for suspected breast cancer - appt is tomorrow. But it has been the most stressful time of my life.

The anxiety whilst waiting is horrendous. I don't think you are being oversensitive, being on this pathway is terrifying. Prioritise self care.

I hope you hear about your appt soon ❤️ xx

sleepysalamander · 15/07/2024 10:08

Yes, I've said no before. It's been fine. He does make a song and dance when he's ill, mind.

I think he was being really insensitive. He would say he didn't mean to be - but we're not talking about a cold or slight stomach bug here are we?

maudelovesharold · 15/07/2024 10:10

Dh and I have been on several 2 week ‘pathways’ at various times for various things. I’ve always got the impression that if you present with certain symptoms you automatically get referred, to rule the sinister stuff out, rather than because the expectation is that it’s cancer. Of course it’s stressful till you know for definite, but maybe your dp has had his own experience of it and knows that more often than not it will be negative for cancer? Of course you need to do what’s best for you, but a lot of people don’t put their lives on hold for investigations, and maybe your dp is one of them? Hope everything works out for the best, op. Try not to worry too much.

minipie · 15/07/2024 10:12

Is it a mutual choice not to live together?

Being with someone 6 years and not living together suggests he prefers an “arms length” type relationship- nice dates, weekends and sex as an add on to his independent life, but not really sharing lives iyswim. The reactions to your illnesses seem consistent with this.

I guess the question is whether you’re ok with this type of relationship or if you wanted something closer/deeper. It sounds like you did.

I hope you have positive news medically.

loropianalover · 15/07/2024 10:15

in the first few days I told him I had tested positive and was in bed really ill. Not a word from him for 3 days - not even to ask how I was.

Sorry to hear this OP, and sorry to hear about how he’s acting now. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a support to you while you’re ill. Some people are great during the good times but just can’t step up during struggles. It seems like his way of coping is to ignore it.

sleepysalamander · 15/07/2024 10:26

'maybe your dp has had his own experience of it and knows that more often than not it will be negative for cancer?'

No, he hasn't had personal experience of this.

My choice not to live together as I had younger children when we met and I didn't want it to change the family dynamic. We also have different standards of home cleanliness and I have had already a lifetime of cleaning up after people and not prepared to do that again

eurochick · 15/07/2024 10:35

If it helps your anxiety OP, most people referred on the two week pathway are given the all clear. I have been on it a couple of times myself. I was stressed but pretty much carried on as normal. Perhaps that has also been your partner's experience?

Sunshineafterthehail · 15/07/2024 10:37

Ime men don't react to health issues the same... 2 weeks is a lifetime to a bloke!! Did you want him to sit with you for 14 days?. I had investigations for a lump and didn't even tell dh. Until I got the all clear!

sleepysalamander · 15/07/2024 11:31

Sunshineafterthehail · 15/07/2024 10:37

Where did I say I wanted him to sit with me for 14 days? Unnecessarily harsh.

Okayornot · 15/07/2024 12:04

I think my DH would be similar OP. I think his assumption would be that I would still be working in the period before diagnosis, even if I might go a bit slower, because he is very good at compartmentalising and that is what he would do. Personally I wouldn't read much into it.

I'm sorry you are having such a stressful time, and I hope you get the all clear.

Equivo · 15/07/2024 12:19

It's rubbish he's not been supportive when you've been unwell in the past, I'd definitely be bothered by that.

For the recent behaviour - How strongly is cancer suspected?

Like others say two week referral pathway is pretty common, I've been on it a couple of times and never even mentioned it to anyone, let alone been signed off work for a week for it.

So even if you know for certain he's not been on it, the likelihood is he knows quite a few people who have been on it before without it resulting in a cancer diagnosis. My personal attitude is to assume it's nothing serious until you know otherwise, there's nothing to be gained from stressing unnecessarily. But it obviously would depend how strongly cancer was suspected. It's probably worse that you've been signed off work, so you've got to much time to dwell, rather than being kept busy.

Good luck though with the tests. I hope it's not cancer

BleachedJumper · 15/07/2024 12:27

A lot of men don’t handle the woman in their life being unwell. It seems he does fall in to that camp. It’s obviously crap that you only really find out where your particular man stands on that side of the fence when you are unwell, with the addition of every other stress.

I hope you get some good news. I think I would echo what a pp said about having no distractions currently is probably adding to the worry and may not be benefitting you.

ashitghost · 15/07/2024 13:08

I worked during my 2ww. And it did turn out that I had cancer. I don’t think it’s odd to assume you’re working per se. But if you had already told him you’ve taken two weeks off then he’s not really listening to you.

Maddy70 · 15/07/2024 13:16

People react differently under stress. I forgot my own appointment with my oncologist as I put it to the back of my mind as that's how I deal with stressful situations

I don't worry about anything until I know there is something to worry about. Then I deal with it pragmatically. My DH is different and he's been a train wreck since my diagnoses

It doesn't mean your partner doesn't care. He's probably in his coping zone

sleepysalamander · 15/07/2024 14:30

@Equiv

'How strongly is cancer suspected?'

My FIT test score was 200. The normal score is less than 10.

Arlanymor · 15/07/2024 14:48

I’ve known people on the 2ww pathway who have just carried on life as normal - in that they go into work and daily life continues. Maybe he knows other people like that? It’s unusual to be signed off unless you are physically or mentally unwell. I don’t think his question connotes a lack of caring, plus because you don’t live together it’s not as if he sees you everyday to have it be a part of his reality. I think you’re overreacting a bit, but also understand that is because you are under mega amounts of stress. I hope you get the all clear soon.

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