Prepare the kids

[catherinewales]

My husband has been told he has upto a year to live. How do I prepare my kids 8&12 that their dad is going to die? My husband is 45 and he won't see his 47th birthday. My heart is broken but how do I prepare my children when I can't prepare myself 💔💔

Sounds really tough.
I think it is good to seek expert advice in this situation - Winston’s Wish is an amazing charity and a good starting point.

Thank you. I'll look them up now.

Hi OP
Really sorry - ask a Macmillian nurse IMO

We did. She was a waste of time. We asked for help for our oldest child and she only knew of a website for 14 and over but she couldn't remember the name of the website. She's 12 so to young for it.

Fair enough - I'm sure someone else will come along and help

Macmillan were useless for us too. Winston's Wish helped in the days after DH's death, (I didn't approach them before he died) our local hospice were great. Marie Curie were also a great help.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, it's a shit place to be. There is a good, supportive thread on here that you might find helpful, it's called The Storm Part 3 and it is for those of us going through or having been through, the death of a partner.

I cannot imagine what your family are going through. What an incredibly difficult time for you all.
I'm not going to attempt to give advice on how to tell them, as I've never been in this position and honestly I don't know if there's a right way. But I would advise, strongly, to set up some therapy for once they have been told, in order to help them process this information in a healthy and professionally controlled way. My heart goes to you all ❤️

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm#:~:text=The%20calm%20before%20the%20storm

These threads have been going for several years. They are for those whose partners are terminally ill - and I found they helped me. I didn't post for a long time - but what others said helped me. (The link is to an early one .. follow them through to today if it helps you)

I'm so sorry.

I didn’t want to read and run but I don’t have any advice for you OP.

make sure you look after yourself in these tricky times too, they need a strong mummy to have their back but it’s also okay if you don’t feel strong, let yourself feel any emotions you feel and look after yourself.

your family will be in my thoughts, my heart aches for you💐

There could be so many other reasons behind the name, there was no reason for your comment other than presenting yourself to the internet as a fully grown adult who cannot give another human compassion but has to find something to pick about. Really says a lot about you as a person, I hope you think more before you open your mouth on the internet in the future and make unnecessary remarks towards anyone, let alone someone going through such heartache as OP is

I'm so sorry. This must be unimaginably difficult for all of you. Just wanted to suggest the Ruth Strauss Foundation, they have some good support/resources around talking to your children.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can't offer any help beyond adding my recommendation for Winston's Wish. Do reach out to your children's schools too so that they have some understanding of what they are dealing with and support them too. Take care of yourself x

So so so sorry OP
I would make sure their schools know (although your older child will have less consistency with teachers), and inform their friends’ parents (I remember when one of my school friend’s mums was in a similar situation we supported her). And be honest with them, don’t hide things or explain in wooly language.

So sorry your facing this. Do try your local hospice too. I have a friend in a similar situation and our local one is offering counselling to their children and are a wealth of support.

Sending love 💐💐

Wow, really? That's what you took from that post? The OP is about to lose her husband and her children, their father, and you thought that was an acceptable response. Do better.
OP I'm so sorry - I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I'm sending you strength and love

I don't understand what you mean? Poor taste? My husbands dying. What's poor taste about that.

Thank you everyone for the helpful comments. I've seen posts like this in the past and felt a number of emotions for the person. Never in a million years thinking I would be in this situation xx

I'm so sorry, I don't have any advice to give but I hope you're able to have some space to take care of yourself, too.

Hi OP, I also have a terminal diagnosis with a very poor prognosis. My children were older than yours when I was diagnosed, at 14 and 17. I was totally straight with them that I had a cancer that could not be cured and that I would die from it but I have had, and continue to receive palliative chemo to hopefully give me more time, so we focused on that and continue to do so until it stops working.

My older son wants to know everything whereas my younger one is kind of in a state of denial. It's hard for all of us, including me, to get our heads around and once the initial shock wears off, you kind of get on with life as best you can, whilst you still can.

I'd definitely recommend getting your GP to refer you to your local hospice. They are brilliant and are as much about helping you all to live as much as helping at the end of life.

We have a family member in Ireland who faced the same situation a few years ago. She got a huge amount of support from her children’s schools and also from the hospice near where they live.
Are those options for you?

My sons primary school is fantastic but my daughters senior school aren't so good. They have just given her a pass for 5 minute breaks where she can go the office but no one's in the office as they are teaching.

We have been honest with the kids. They know he has cancer but we were told in the beginning he can be cured but he can't now. So we're on a different path. We're just holding the new information we have back just till my dd comes back from her school holiday.

This may not be appropriate but I know our school has put support on place in a couple of places, specifically play therapy. I am in Ireland though. They did a lot of work on the language used around cancer, they supported the family in making memory boxes, helped link in families of friends who wanted to offer practical help without intruding.

So rotas to drop dinner, After-school play dates, sports drop off. People genuinely want to help and not intrude.

So they became the one person that sorted as much life admin without imposing on family. I am sorry for your troubles. I hope he has quality health as long as possible. And that you have support.

As well as Winston's Wish, there's also Child Bereavement UK. I am so sorry for the position you're in.