Help- my dying mother has a very over bearing “friend”

[Feellikeaweeble]

My mam is in hospice care with less than 4 weeks to live due a very aggressive form of cancer.

About 4 weeks ago she has become close with a man she had known for years, he was a friend of my dad’s (her husband of almost 50 years) who passed away last summer. She is adamant that nothing romantically has ever happened with him in the past and I believe her.

She says he’s just a friend but he says he’s her boyfriend. I think she found him entertaining and a distraction at first but she has frequently said he is too full on and she feels smothered by him but she won’t tell him to go away.

Now that she’s in the hospice he expects to see her every day and is staying for 2 hrs each visit. Her own siblings are not visiting that much as they’ve said this time should be for mam and her children to spend time together before the end.

Ive tried talking to her but she says he’s harmless but then complains he’s smothering her to the point she pretends she’s asleep to get rid of him.

It’s really upsetting my brother and it’s annoying me. I don’t know what to do. I have visions of her being on her death bed and him refusing to leave her side or at her funeral and he’s wanting to be in the funeral car!

I feel like we could ask him not to visit as much but then she is so passive she will just say ignore him or he’s harmless and then he will just ignore us. When he’s there he literally just talks about himself and then she complains to us that he’s boring.

I don’t want to create any arguments when she’s so very ill, she has been in extreme pain and taking so many meds. It’s been hell.

what would you do??

thanks

This is really tough, but I personally wouldn't have it.
I'd take the stress and pressure off your mam.
Id have a chat with this man and tell him that you're really going to have to insist that due to your mother's deteriorating condition, you need to spend more time together as a family. Perhaps tell him that you'll let him know why he can visit for a short while if your mam has the strength.
When my grandfather was dying my uncle from the other side of the family kept calling to the door and it's drove everyone mental. His intentions were good but some people don't know their place x

Thanks.
This is how I feel and reading this makes me feel more reasonable in my thinking.

@Feellikeaweeble you really don't need this crap at this time in your life.
Be direct and suffer no fools.
Best of luck with it all xx

Is there a member of the extended family who could get involved and give this man the heave ho?

If it was my parents, I know I could ask my mum’s brother in law to have this sort of conversation and he’d get it sorted without me having to worry.

Speak to your mum to confirm she is in agreement. Then ask the hospice not to allow him entry or any phonecalls. His behaviour sounds very suspicious, and I would also make sure her paperwork is in order and hasn't been altered as he sounds likes he's up to something.

I was thinking this too. Make sure she hasn't signed anything. Even get her will re-signed if necessary and if your mum wants to. Google his name too. It all sounds very odd.

We asked her this and she said she hasn’t signed anything but she is not always coherent as she is taking a huge amount of various medications and is an extreme amount of pain.
We had the same concern tbh.

The hospice staff should be able to help and perhaps enforce a “family only” visiting policy? Speak to their advisors…

I agree about the will. He sounds incredibly pushy. I would ask the hospice staff to make sure he only visits for five minutes at a time and not every day.

They must be used to this.

Your poor mum.

I hope everything goes as well as it can for her and my heart goes out to you. 💐

We had a man who would not stop visiting my grandfather who had dementia. Grandad would be quiet during his visit, then be hell on earth for the carers after because he would act out. He'd also tell us that he didn't want to see him because he was essentially so overbearing and he'd never been that "close" to him even when well.

At first we asked him to his face to stop and he said he wouldn't because 'grandads name' wanted to see him and we had no rights stopping him and he wouldn't be told different.

With grandad present, we explained it to the carers and the management that grandad didn't want to see him and could they please refuse him entry.

They did this and most of the time it worked. Then we found out he'd cottened on to this and would try to visit at quieter times and pretend to be family members and literally try sign in as a relative.

He was very strange and it felt like he was up to no good. Thankfully it calmed down after he realised the staff were onto him and still refused entry and we heard no more of it from the home or grandad before he went on to pass soon after.

I definitely wouldn't be surprised if he has tried to get an innings somewhere for the will or similar given how forceful and coniving he was.

Tl;Dr - please talk to the staff with your mum present and explain to them that she doesn't want him visiting her and that his presence is overbearing and upsetting at a time when she needs as much peace, rest and love as possible.

Much love to you all!

This happened to my friend. At the time they were too upset to address it properly and he hung around during her death and her funeral. Years later my friend is still upset about it and feel they let their relative down.

This is a safeguarding issue. He has the gall to state he is her boyfriend when you know he is not. He is alone with her when she is vulnerable and on heavy medication. She pretends to be asleep to avoid him. She is not enjoying his company.

Speak to the hospice staff. Advocate for your mum and put a stop to this ghoulish behaviour.

Tell him
to fuck off.

It's worrying he's calling himself her boyfriend when she insists he's not. This sounds like he might try to make a claim or has already done something sneaky. I agree with PP, check all her paperwork is in order, bank accounts etc. Tell the hospice this man is claiming to be her boyfriend when he's not, he's visiting when she doesn't want him to and he is to be refused any visits to her. Tell him yourself your mum's visits will be family only from now and he is not to try to disturb her. People like this are a pain in the arse in what is already a very difficult time.

This does not sound good at all. He's either a grief vampire (thrives on misery of others and enjoys the attention that 'being there' gives him) or his intentions are nefarious.
Does your mum own or rent a property still? If she does then get the locks changed immediately - and I mean immediately. There have been cases where people allocate themselves the title of partner or NOK and then the family find that while their relative is in hospital/hospice this person moves themselves in as the occupiers partner. It causes an awful lot of legal problems after the person has died as the 'cuckoo' is in there as if they've lived there for years. Check your mum's home to make sure that there's none of his stuff in there already and that nothing's missing and then get a locksmith to change the locks making sure that you get a proper dated receipt. This may sound dramatic but will give you piece of mind and legal back up. If he should ask then you can always say that the keys were misplaced thus needing to be changed and should he 'break in' you've got proof he can't possibly of had a set of keys.
I'm hoping that it's the first reason (as distasteful as it is) and not the second. I worked with someone who this actually happened to and it took two years to get him out and even then they had to pay him a huge sum to leave because the only person who could categorically disprove his claim was dead - and he knew it.

Oh and check things like whether she's still getting the single person discount on Council Tax and that all the bills are in her sole name still.

Don't worry being rude to him. Be really rude. Drive him off.

"My mother doesn't want to see you, you are not her friend. You are not welcome here. We have asked the staff not to let you in as you are distressing my mother" etc

He's saying he's her boyfriend when he isn't. There is no innocent explanation for that. He's either deranged or more likely has some criminal-adjacent intent such as cuckooing in her house or accessing her finances.

I would take precautions, check her house, check her will, check her NoK/LPA arrangements. Change her locks and get her to sign a statement that she has no relationship with this man if you can.

You don't have to involve your mother in this more than the bare minimum, she's not going to miss him. I would disregard any concern for his feelings or being polite etc. These kind of concerns are just gifts to the conman. He's known her only a few weeks and you owe him no consideration at all.

Definitely talk to the hospice. Make it about your mum and not yourselves, because she is their priority. Explain that his visits are too much/make her tired, but she's too anxious/people pleasing, to tell him so.

I'd start with the hospice staff, nothing will suprise them.

I'd follow up with contact with your Mam's solicitor and make sure he records your concerns about the impact of pain medication.

Then I'd tackle him face on but not alone. Telling him he is allowed only one visit a week and only when someone else is there.

I'd be doing this all asap because I think this is abusive. So bloody awful to do this when you want to focus on time with your Mum.

Talk to the Hospice Staff, definitely.

Tell the Hospice staff you want family only or there you can give them a list of names. Tell everyone else coming to see her they have to check in at the desk first.

The Hospice sees this all the time. It happens a lot.

Keep a very close eye on him and get him away from your mother. He'll be turning up with a solicitor to get the Will changed. I bet he's up to no good.

Thanks for this- some people are just unbelievable- your poor grandad!

Thanks- never even thought of this!

Talk to the hospice staff, managing visitors is part of their bread and butter. This is a very common issue.

As your mum wants the visits but wants them shorter, they won't stop him but can do things like 30 minute visits only signs.

I'd also make sure they know in advance he isn't related, not her boyfriend, will be unwanted when she lacks capacity to approve visitors and not to have the death certificate.

Im So sorry to hear about your mum. Make sure he doesn’t try to sneak a vicar or other celebrant in and marry her because then he’ll have a claim on her estate (not sure how this would work but nothing would surprise me about the lengths some of these people go to, and the fact he’s describing himself as her boyfriend is worrying - marrying a partner under end of life circumstances is not uncommon after all). Guard your mum above all else - he may well be trying to exploit her.

It is also worth highlighting your concerns that he may take advantage of her to redo a will.

I had a relative get her mum to rewrite a will in her last days. Unfortunately she'd asked me several times in the days previous if I thought she had capacity to write a will, I'd said no and documented it.

Of course several months later the disinherited family asked for the notes. She wouldn't have had a leg to stand on.