Help- my dying mother has a very over bearing “friend”

[Feellikeaweeble]

My mam is in hospice care with less than 4 weeks to live due a very aggressive form of cancer.

About 4 weeks ago she has become close with a man she had known for years, he was a friend of my dad’s (her husband of almost 50 years) who passed away last summer. She is adamant that nothing romantically has ever happened with him in the past and I believe her.

She says he’s just a friend but he says he’s her boyfriend. I think she found him entertaining and a distraction at first but she has frequently said he is too full on and she feels smothered by him but she won’t tell him to go away.

Now that she’s in the hospice he expects to see her every day and is staying for 2 hrs each visit. Her own siblings are not visiting that much as they’ve said this time should be for mam and her children to spend time together before the end.

Ive tried talking to her but she says he’s harmless but then complains he’s smothering her to the point she pretends she’s asleep to get rid of him.

It’s really upsetting my brother and it’s annoying me. I don’t know what to do. I have visions of her being on her death bed and him refusing to leave her side or at her funeral and he’s wanting to be in the funeral car!

I feel like we could ask him not to visit as much but then she is so passive she will just say ignore him or he’s harmless and then he will just ignore us. When he’s there he literally just talks about himself and then she complains to us that he’s boring.

I don’t want to create any arguments when she’s so very ill, she has been in extreme pain and taking so many meds. It’s been hell.

what would you do??

thanks

I agree. I know someone who went into someone’s house and stole jewellery in a similar situation. Because they had keys.

I really regret not being tougher and pushing back when my mum was dying. Being polite to awkward people added significantly to the mental load.

Maybe one way to do it is to say to him that it's time to say his goodbyes, and give him a specific day to do that, because from now on it will be family only.

Just tell him it's now strictly family only visiting. I'd phone or message him to stop him from coming again but if I couldn't get hold of him beforehand, I'd catch him before he goes in next time and have a quiet word. Just tell him that it's your mum's final days and he has to make this the last visit, so you've prepared him that it's the last time he'll ever see her. Then tell him firmly that the hospice staff will only be allowing close family from now on. I'd also make sure you are in the room for his last visit, don't leave him alone with her and tell him he's to limit the visit to 10 minutes. We actually had a dying relatives "boyfriend" producing a new will for her signature during her final weeks and he brought a friend of his with him to witness it. This is your time with your mum, this man has no right to intrude upon that and you must put your mum first.

I agree with everybody else.

Maybe speak to the hospice and say that you have extreme concerns regarding the motives of this so-called friend. He's very pushy and despite what he says, he is not her boyfriend, and you are concerned for your mother's welfare. Say that you are worried he will pressgang her into signing things she doesn't understand. Tell them that his visits distress her and she sometimes has to feign sleep in order to get rid of him, and is there anything they can do to keep an eye on things.

Her last weeks should be peaceful and relaxed, she shouldn't have to deal with this.

Agree with telling him it's now family only and he can only visit briefly and on your say-so. I'm very sorry to hear about your mam and hope her last weeks are as peaceful as possible.

The hospice will be able to handle this. Do you have power of attorney? Have you checked he hasn't tried to access her accounts?

Hopefully he's just trying to make himself feel important or hes lonely and somehow thinks he's helping by visiting so much. People can be weird

You need a two prong attack. Step One: Speak to him and say ‘Thanks for coming Brian, but I’ve spoken to Mum and my siblings and going forward it’s just close family visiting. It’s all getting near the end now and we are all so upset but those are our wishes. I know you’ll understand. I will be in touch when the inevitable happens. Thanks for supporting Mum these last few months, you’ve been a good friend to her and my Dad. You take care’

Step Two: Tell the hospice staff it’s only you and your siblings for visits and to turn Brian away. They will be well versed in saying ‘She’s having a bad morning, and doesn’t want any visitors.’

Honestly I’d just be upfront with him and tell him when he can and can’t visit

imagine having 4 weeks to live and you’re having to pretend to be asleep!

such short, precious time left … nip it in the bud in no uncertain terms and spend as much time with your mum as you can

🩷

I work in will and trust disputes - obviously this is a bit of a red flag and if I were you I would ensure it says somewhere in her records that she is not always coherent and obviously it’ll say she’s on a large amount of medication justttt incase.

Aside for that, my dad died of cancer a few years ago and he had a friend like this - she suddenly was always there after diagnosis, practically living with my dad, she was at the hospital for the birth of my daughter as apparently he couldn’t attend without her. I absolutely wish I had intervened and insisted I had more time with dad. She took care of him and rarely let me in, she didn’t phone when he’d be hospitalised (for the last time) and I found out because they rang me as his next of kin. He is a friend and you are his children, don’t burden your mum with it but have a stern word with him and the hospice staff as there’s several red flags here and best case scenario is he’s taking precious time away from your mum to spend with her family.

Funnily enough my dad’s friend turned very sour as soon as he died, insisting he had changed his will in his final days (he hadn’t I checked everywhere) and finally when she realised he may have told her he did to fob her off insisted I at least transfered her £400 he allegedly owed her. She didn’t even attend his funeral! People are awful.

You need to tell the hospice staff asap.

its not possible to expect your mum to be strong enough to tell him to get lost in those circumstances. She is probably after some time with as little conflict as possible.

And then tell him he isn’t welcome. She needs rest, not 2 hours long visits from someone she doesn’t really know.
She needs family around her, not a vague acquaintance.
She needs love and care, not someone that is too much/she is actively avoiding.

Absolutely This

He has a cheek to be honest.

I had a very similar experience when my my passed away. I soon put a stop to it by saying that all visits were now to be timetabled and approved by myself (I was fortunate enough to be with her 24/7 in the cancer hospital). I allowed people one hour per day and the rest of the time was for myself (I am an only child). My mum was getting exhausted with all the people wanting to visit and quite honestly she was only bothered about spending time with me. Definitely put something in place that YOU are happy with, at the end of the day this is precious time with your mum that you will never get back. Don't allow selfish people to spoil it for you.

Sending you lots of love and strength at a horrible time xx

This. If he won't get the message tell him that you'll construe his refusal to comply with your wishes as harrassment and contact the police. Don't try and save his feelings, your mum shouldn't have to be dealing with this and feigning sleep at this point so that he can do what he wants.

Nip it in the bud, it may be that he's transferring his feelings from when his own wife died and he wishes he'd visited more, who knows, but ultimately that's not your problem, get him out of there full stop.

I think you should sit down with her, your brother and the hospice staff. Explain to them your concerns and agree jointly how you will handle it. They could maybe ask him to leave or cut visits short etc?

Just echoing everyone else really - tell the man to please stop calling himself your mother's boyfriend when he isn't and wasn't.
It sounds like you're respectful of what your mother wants so then ask your mam if she'd like him to stop visiting, and if she would, then tell hospice staff to stop him coming from now on.
So sorry you're having to deal with this - I'd say act quickly and then try to put it out of your mind so it doesn't intrude on your precious time with your mother.

He could be planning a death-bed marriage. It happens.

Get the hospice to refuse him entry. Involve the police if necessary. That was what my cousins had to do with my aunt's ex husband. Hospices have seen it all and will be clued up on how to deal with this. And yes, change her locks.

Haven't RTFT but felt I'd share this comment anyway as it sends such an important message to anyone in a situation like this!

Thanks for sharing this- that’s absolutely shocking.

If you don't get rid of this person OP, you'll regret it for the rest of your days. I'm so sorry for what your Mum is going through

Your mum has got poa in place I hope. And as much as I don’t like the idea of women relying on men, I’d really get some big blokes to have a quiet word.

You have every right to tell him how you feel and ask him to stay away and as a pp has already said you will let him know when your mother is feeling strong enough to receive visits. You won’t get this time back unfortunately, this is your time with your mother

My Dad had an old acquaintance care for him in the last 2 weeks of his life, she managed to get him to change his will and leave everything to her rather than his children while he was on very strong painkillers for his cancer. We didn’t know until after he had died

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of what you're already going through, it's the last thing you need at such a difficult time.

The capacity needed for signing a will is extremely low, so please be extremely cautious about this man. The current capacity guidelines are based on old case law from 1870 (I 💩 you not) and are designed so that very incapacitated people can still make a will. There are no real protections in place against indue influence. During her final months an elderly relative of mine with a significant brain issue was extremely confused and disorientated, yet she passed a capacity assessment and one of the vultures ('friends') who were circling managed to get her to make a new will. It was the most persistent, brazen one who succeeded. I honestly think my relative just became so worn down by it all that she updated her will to get people off her back and have some peace.

I wouldn't trust this man as far I could throw him. When there's even a sniff of money and inheritance people can be awful and ruthless. Definitely tell care staff your concerns and push the issue. Ask if they can keep an eye out for anything suspicious, like him shutting the door or bringing in a notepad or papers. Ultimately your mum doesn't have to see anyone she doesn't want to and even if his intentions are innocent, expecting to see her two hours every single day is far too excessive.

It might be worth explaining the situation to your mum's siblings and asking if they can visit at the times that he shows up as it seems there's a gap there that's being far too easily filled by him. You could also explain to this man that your mum is increasingly tired and overwhelmed by visitors and request that he cut visits down to perhaps half an hour or shorter every other day. His reaction to this will probably tell you all you need to know about what his true motives are. A true friend will respect your mum's wishes and want what's best for her.

I suspect that he knows that your mum is too passive to say anything and is taking advantage of it. Could just be his ego (feeling more important to someone than he actually is) or could be more shady and financially motivated; it's really not worth taking any chances. Document all encounters with him too just in case. If he managed to get a will changed the aftermath would be devastating (I'm speaking from experience). Sadly it's pretty much impossible to invalidate a will if the person is deemed to have capacity, so it's best to nip stuff like this in the bud. That aside, it must also be stressful for your mum to have to keep seeing him when she doesn't want to and I think given her vulnerability she needs people to be advocating on her behalf.