Is there anything you can say to help someone come to terms with their diagnosis and live for today?

[TiberiusFlam]

I’ll try and be brief
This is my uncle by marriage
He and my aunt are childless and I am very close to them both. They are wonderful people.
Fit and healthy DU got a terminal cancer diagnosis 4 years ago.
He can’t accept it. He’s constantly miserable, sick with worry and upset. Devastated every time they get more bad news (scan today showed original tumour shrinking but new small ones in spine and brain). They both totally break down in tears all the time.
He’s very well in himself, just been on holiday. But they can’t enjoy anything. They are constantly just sobbing and in pieces.

After scan results today, they’ve cancelled all family engagements for Easter. They’ve cancelled all upcoming holidays. They don’t seem to have reached a place of acceptance or deciding to just live life whilst they can. I think they bring each other down in all honesty. They married a bit later in life and are truly in love.
They’ve both had counselling.
Is there anything at all I can say to them to help?

I'm not sure you can suggest anything other than maybe counselling or a support group, but no doubt their doctor might have done this already. I don't think you can really tell someone how to feel about or handle a diagnosis of anything as it suggests there's a 'right way' to be. That's a bit like telling a bereaved person how they should be grieving.

No there really isn’t. Are they on antidepressants? I know I needed to double my dose to get through this never ending saga.

I watched my brother never come to terms with his diagnosis. He was frightened I think mostly. Frightened of dying and of leaving behind loved ones. I don't think he would have ever really accepted it no matter how long he lived. I envy people who are able to "live for today" despite a terminal diagnosis but I think even they are often very scared deep down and a lot of it is putting on a brave face for other people.

You might find this thread helpful OP
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/life_limiting_illness/4729740-the-storm-part-3

I know this is a bit out-there, but have you heard of Psilocybin used as treatment? It may be something that could be helpful to your uncle. What was once used as a psychedelic recreational drug (magic mushroom) is now being used as a treatment in end of life stage diseases to help with anxiety and fear.

I have no idea if it is available in your country, but maybe you could do some research.

There are no magic words OP. I'm afraid you have to just persevere with coping with their understandable distress.

Would your DU ask the GP for some antianxiety meds? Could you ring MacMillan about whether they have any suggestions? Of course he and his wife are going to be upset at his prognosis, and it will be very difficult for them to accept this if they are very codependent and fearful. There's no easy fix - our Daunt and uncle were similar and retreated into their shells upon his own terminal diagnosis. They were codependent and glass half empty personalities and it was impossible for them to change/reframe their mindset. They wouldn't consider counselling or outside help at all at first, as their behaviours were ingrained. We did manage to get them reluctantly to accept carers coming into the house for practical care help as he got more frail, but mental health help was pretty much family regularly popping round for tea and a chat.

No magic words I am afraid. My mother lived with a terminal cancer diagnosis for 3 years and it was the first time I ever saw her truly frightened. She was anxious and unable to sleep. It’s a difficult time and we all handle our own mortality differently. It was only in the last two weeks when she was so unwell that she actively wanted to die to be at peace.