My husband has cancer

[catherinewales]

Just that. He's 45 and he is stage 4. I am heartbroken. He's my absolute life. Yes we have our ups and downs like everyone but we've got through so much together. I just don't know how we'll get through this. It's going to be the hardest time ever but I'll be by his side every single step of the way. We've got 2 young kids who aren't coping so well but are trying to cope.

His specialist nurse and a nurse and a doctor in the hospital when he went in for an iron infusion.

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible disease. I hope a miracle happens and you get a cure xx

Hey I know exactly how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with cancer (blood cancer) at end of October and we are waiting for treatment to start so in a way it doesn't feel real yet. It's the waiting and your life is not your own anymore. I can't even comprehend the future that we are now looking at. We are trying to enjoy the time together as a family before it all starts.

We try to be honest with dd as much as we can. Take any help and support you can from family and friends.

Take expert benefit advice and get help with all the forms as this took a weight off our minds. I went into organising mode and cleaned and organised the full house for some reason. Now all the benefits have been sorted I feel more in control as we had never been in that position before.

Have time to cry/scream away from the kids as holding it in makes the situation build up. I had a relative take my dd on a day out and it let me have a good cry and let us talk freely.

I'm really sorry you're going through this too. It's just not fair x

Sending you strength OP 💐

It's awful isn't it. I've cried so much. I'm hoping he'll start treatment soon. I only get ssp and I'm sure that only last for 6 months. He only gets 6 months full pay then ssp. We're waiting to see what he'll get critical care pay as he has that luckily. Im hoping he'll start soon so we know what kinda life we're going to live. It's like life is on hold waiting for something to happen. I'm sorry your going through this and I'm sending you lots of love and hugs xx

He should still be entitled to personal independence payment with DWP despite his income and they will fast track depending on his diagnosis and circumstances. MacMillan also give a one off £300 grant. They are excellent at benefit advice. You will both get universal credit when the his full sick pay runs out even if he gets statutory sick pay. MacMillan will run through a check with you.

MacMillan also can refer for counselling. I keep thinking about the age of my dd and how she will cope if the worst happens. It is a feeling like no other I have ever experienced. I'm trying to write down questions as they come up for our next appointment as I just forget.

My husband is not good with even getting blood taken so I can't imagine how he will cope with pick lines etc. I would take it for him if I could. Sending strength and we're here when you need to chat x

I am so sorry. My husband has bladder cancer that has not spread but he is facing losing his bladder as the cancer has returned after treatment. We have been in a cycle of treatment and waiting and testing and waiting and more surgery and more treatment for more than 2 years.

He goes private and at least there is less waiting and more second opinions. The NHS does exactly (most of the time) the same treatments with the same surgeons but at the moment the NHS is in such a bad state, that if you can, you probably would be better going private.

It is hard being a partner and witnessing all these horrible treatments and shocking news to the person you love. I am more than happy to message if you would like some support. I find it hard because I want to cry and I worry but don't want to make it about me. My husband is very brave and undramatic but, even he is getting tired and frustrated after a couple of years of this.

It sounds like we're feeling exactly the same. My husband is a worrier and he worries about everything. I really wish it was me rather than him. Although I think if it was me it'd be much harder on the kids because I do absolutely everything for them. Although he does as much they just come to me for a lot more. I hate my life right now and just function for the kids. I turned up a week early for an appointment for myself because I don't know what date it is. I'm wishing time on so we can get closer to his appointment and seeing the doctor to understand more. Although I'm not sure I'm ready to know more if that makes sense.

How awful for you both. It's so hard. My husband is being strong for me because I'm in such a bad way. The kids see me crying and it's just normal now. I am really struggling with it but trying to be strong at the same time xx

There is a real sense of shock when you are given the diagnosis. I am a real crier, and I do think it brings relief. I have older children and so get a bit more privacy. I don't like crying in front of my husband because he starts apologising for his diagnosis.

I have always found that doing things outdoors helps me, whatever my problem. And anything active allows me to process difficult news. I swim or walk or do things in the garden. But that is just the way I help myself.

Thinking of you

And waiting for test results and appointments is horrible. You can find that all you are doing is marking time between them. We are currently waiting for an appointment on 5 April. I am doing as much as I can in the garden to immerse myself in something I like. It is working at the moment.

I.am.so.sorry you are going through this. It is so so difficult. My husband also has stage 4 cancer. He was originally diagnosed with appendicitis that caused a blockage in the bowel so after numerous trips back and forth to doctors and losing over 3 stone he finally had surgery to remove the blockage. The surgeon then told me they had found cancer everywhere and that it was "horrific". Cancer had not even been mentioned as a possibility before this, despite my husband having had cancer 7 years ago and losing both his parents to cancer in their 40s. We then had a 3 week wait to find out more to be told it was bowel cancer and there was a treatment plan in place that would include more surgery. A week after that we were told it is not curable and surgery would not be a possibility as it is spread too far. He will have chemo to manage things. It really is a roller-coaster isn't it. I find it hard when people ask lots of questions but the info we have keeps changing and I don't know how to answer them. My children are too young to understand what's going on, I can imagine it would be even harder having children old enough to know about cancer and how scary it would be for them. Accept all the help you are offered and remember its OK to have days where you dont feel like doing anything xx

Sorry if this is misplaced, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and I hope they get moving on things for him.

Could I ask what symptoms your husband has? My DH went to the GP last Tuesday and was referred for urgent ultrasound and gastroscopy. He has the US yesterday at 6pm, they obviously didn’t say a word. Gastroscopy booked for 8 April as he’s on a course this week (gastroscopy is in a private clinic but referred and paid for by NHS.).

We’re both worried sick, haven’t told our kids anything - they’re 18 and 19 so old enough to worry and not manage it. He has ongoing abdominal pain, feels sick on and off and burps loads.

I just want to let you know I know two men in the 70s and 80s who lost their stomach in their 40s. Both active men who have lived for decades without it, wishing him the best

My husband has a rare incurable cancer, which will end his life if nothing else does first. The NHS feels like it moves slowly whilst they are deliberating and investigating, but in our experience once a course of treatment is decided on they start moving more quickly.

My husband is also a worrier, but the worst has now happened so he's actually a lot better on this front as a result. We're coping by having conversations about how he wants to live, what he wants to spend his time doing, and anything else that's important to him. We have time alone together everyday and no topic is off limits. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk, we just go for a walk in the fresh air, maybe go to a nice place, or grab a coffee, and just be together.

I'm living in the moment and not thinking too far ahead, and that lets me hold it together. I also feel like I'm not wasting the time I have left with him if I stay in the moment - I'm not going down the 'what if' rabbit hole. It is an awful, awful situation, life will not turn out how we planned, there's no getting away from that, so I'm just trying to look after myself and be as positive as i can so I can make this a bit easier on him. If he doesn't have to worry about me then that's one less problem for him.
If I feel like a good cry, I normally go for a long walk on my own, the countryside distracts me and the cold air makes my face less red. I've found that crying is exhausting and I feel terrible as a result, never better, so I've been crying less and less as time goes on.

I think that it's not necessarily helpful for people to say 'my cousin/dad/friend had this and they are fine' as everyones cancer will be different. But I'm saying it anyway as you might find it reassuring. my uncle had stomach cancer and had his stomach and most of his esophagus removed about 5 years ago. He's fine. not as fit and healthy as he used to be, and definitely a lot thinner, but alive and living a full and happy life.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry I've only just seen this. How did you get on with the tests? My husband had really bad reflux and didn't eat anything at all.

Oh how awful for you. Cancer is the worst thing in the world. I agree with crying it just gives you red eyes and a headache. He's now got a feeding tube and that's helping. Hoping he'll start chemo soon xx