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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

Any partners of cancer sufferers on here?

28 replies

friendlyflicka · 06/01/2024 00:50

Not sure if it it the appropriate place to post. I have had 2 failed marriages and out of the blue met a man who I adore, and he feels the same way about me. Me moved in together and it is so wonderful to be with him. We are both 57 and met 3 years ago

almost immediately he got a bladder cancer diagnosis and he has been extremely stoical and brave about surgery and painful treatment. But cancer keeps reoccurring and more aggressively. It, hopefully, is not life threatening, if it is contained - ie bladder removal - more tests next month to decide if surgeons can hold off or not.

I feel in a bizarre position where he is being brave - irritated is the most he can describe as leading emotion, and I am, unless keeping busy, fairly devastated. We moved in together away from my locality because I had an ex-husband who was abusive and I wanted a new start away from him.

Because of the lack of friends or helpful family, the natural support I have is the man suffering from cancer and I feel it is wrong to burden him with my negative fears when he is being so stoical. the closest relationship other than him is with my horse. And my 16 year old daughter who adores him as a father figure after having no contact with her natural father. Obviously I am being gentle about the new to her.

I wonder if this is a common position to be in, where your go to confidant is the person with which it is selfish to communicate my fears? Generally I have been able to get on with life, but every time he gets bad news on the tests I crumble and don't want to lay it on him, as it feels very selfish.It is him who is ill not me.

Don't want advice, just wondered if others are living with this situation?

OP posts:
Willowkins · 06/01/2024 05:29

What I did is the same as you. Start a thread on here. Because I couldn't burden the family with it when I was supposed to be the strong one. And well meaning friends didn't get it. Turns out there are many people in the same situation and it really helped to share our stories.

Original poster
friendlyflicka · 06/01/2024 08:35

@Willowkins Thank you. It is a strange situation - natural to be upset but at the same time unable to burden the person you would normally turn to. I hope your situation is (hard to know what word to put) not too bad, and thank you

OP posts:
TopOfTheCliff · 06/01/2024 23:13

@friendlyflicka the Macmillan Cancer Support service is for family as well as cancer patients for exactly this reason. We all need to offload and it can be easier when the recipient isn’t a close relative or friend. Call them! They will understand.
I’ve had cancer twice and my DH has been wonderful. I send him out with his cycling buddies to offload and clear his head and he comes back cheerful.

Original poster
friendlyflicka · 07/01/2024 23:51

thanks @TopOfTheCliff I will try them tomorrow and see what happens

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 09/01/2024 21:29

I was in a similar position to you. Left an unhappy, controlling marriage then met someone, an absolute diamond. Five happy years together then he was diagnosed with a cancer that has a very poor prognosis at the start of covid. Had no-one I could confide in but did find some good support from a local charity (Macmillan were hopeless in our area) and then, once we got to the end of life stage I had support from the local hospice. There is also a thread on here that is very supportive, have you seen The storm part 3?

UmaniCaroline · 10/02/2024 21:45

Hi @friendlyflicka I know this is an old-ish thread but wondered how you were all doing?

My husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer yesterday. He's 67 (I'm 55) and we've been married for a year - together for 5.

I am devastated. Like your partner, my DH is being brave at the moment while I have already burst into tears twice today for no apparent reason.

We both have adult children but he feels he doesn't want to tell his at the moment, which I think is his decision and at the moment there's not much information as he's waiting for surgery.

I can't believe this has happened. We've been so happy for the past 5 years. It's my first marriage and I never thought I would have this sort of calm, loving relationship.
I hate the thought of him suffering and of course of him not making it.

Original poster
friendlyflicka · 10/02/2024 21:56

@UmaniCaroline I will message you later on

OP posts:
UmaniCaroline · 10/02/2024 21:59

friendlyflicka · 10/02/2024 21:56

@UmaniCaroline I will message you later on

👍

SlB09 · 10/02/2024 22:03

It was the loneliest I have ever ever felt and that's it in a nutshell. Us as partners have to be a spectator with no control whatsoever. We are through the other side but it was an extremely rough ride xxx

sunglassesonthetable · 10/02/2024 22:08

Is there a 'Maggie's Centre' locally to you OP? Or at the hospital where treatment is being given?

@friendlyflicka @UmaniCaroline

If there is you are lucky.
I was in your position and I would go to my local Maggie's Centre as a place to relax and talk about my situation. They can offer support.

Please look them up.

UmaniCaroline · 10/02/2024 22:13

Thanks @sunglassesonthetable I'll check.
This only happened yesterday (DH had had no symptoms either) so it's all a bit of a whirl at the moment- well my head is anyway.

sunglassesonthetable · 10/02/2024 22:17

Oh bless you @UmaniCaroline 💐

When my OH was diagnosed my mum said to me , take all the help you are offered. I kept that in mind and said yes to anything and everything. I let people help me.

Good luck , sending you ,courage, energy and lots of hope. xxxxx

sunglassesonthetable · 10/02/2024 22:18

and you @friendlyflicka 💐 xx

toomuchcardboard · 10/02/2024 22:57

I was diagnosed with bladder cancer almost exactly a year ago. Leading up to it, trying to convince my doctor something was really wrong, which took 4 years, I was petrified. Once I had the diagnosis and the NHS went into action I was relieved, I could brace myself for treatment and do my best to survive. I wasn't frightened.
Being female the various Gps from my health centre dismissed it as "female, ie. womb" problems, or me being hysterical - I made the mistake of telling my gp that my aunt died of bladder cancer so they thought I was just being a silly scared woman. It had progressed to the point when they finally took me seriously that I had to have my bladder removed.
Anyway, the point of this is that my husband was more upset and concerned and scared than I was. If you are the one going through cancer treatment you aren't being "brave", you have no choice. It makes you stoical - all you can hope for is that if all goes pear-shaped you will die quickly and painlessly. What happens after isn't your problem, though DH is loading me with "what happens when we get really old and can't cope?" and not wanting to go on holiday just in case I have problems.

It is a darn sight scarier and more problematic for the partner. They have to think about the "after", whether financial, partner's health or their own. TBH I find this irritating at the moment. I have been given the "wake up call" that I need to enjoy life while I can. I don't want to cope with his concerns, I think I have an excuse to be selfish for once.

UmaniCaroline · 11/02/2024 08:44

Thanks @toomuchcardboard and sorry that you had such a long and difficult journey to your diagnosis.

What you say makes absolute sense. I am really worried about bringing my DH down with my anxieties.

I think having others to talk to will be essential for me - it will make me better able to manage any conversations that he does want to have.

OneMoreAndNoMore · 11/02/2024 23:43

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the end of November. He'd gone to the dr with a stomach ache that wouldn't go and sent for a colonoscopy resulting in a bowel cancer diagnosis. After CT, MRI and PET scans, it was found to be in his liver, stomach and chest. We were told by his oncologist to make the most of this Christmas and to make as many memories as we could. It's devastating. He's my best friend and I genuinely am scared of a future without him. He started chemo at the beginning of Jan and it's every 2 weeks for 6 months. it's heartbreaking watching him go through it. I understand the loneliness .... we have 2 grown up kids and a DS (16) taking his GCSE's this year. Trying to hold it together is so hard and like OP, I feel guilty crying in front of DH and the DC's as I'm the one who's not ill. Our lives have already changed so much .... we can't plan anything as we don't know how he's going to feel week by week. I still cry most days and having to explain myself to people hasn't got any easier .... I fucking hate being like this.

Sending a massive hug and a hand hold to all of you in this position 💐💐💐

UmaniCaroline · 12/02/2024 07:08

I'm so sorry @OneMoreAndNoMore What an awful situation for all of you.

I'm terrified and tearful a lot of the time. I spent yesterday 'keeping busy' to try to distract myself. I suppose it worked to an extent. DH is someone who has to keep busy anyway which I am worrying about as there will be times in the future when he will need to rest.

I'm on my way into work this morning. I'm going to have to tell my manager (DH agreed) because I'll need to have time off when he has surgery-if only to bring him home from hospital.
I can WFH easily but it needs to be planned in advance ideally.

Anyway sorry @OneMoreAndNoMore I didn't mean to hijack your post.

I'm sending best wishes to you (& hugs if you want them) and to everyone else. I appreciate having somewhere I can talk about it. (And I fucking hate it too).

OneMoreAndNoMore · 12/02/2024 07:52

@UmaniCaroline thank you for your lovely words. It's so shit isn't it and my heart goes out to you x

We've found that there are definite patterns in how my DH feels are each chemo session. This week is a "good week" where we have a 4 day window of no chemo medication (he has infusions every other Friday, then steroids the weekend directly after along with chemo tablets for the next 10 days before back for another infusion) x

You need to try and look after yourself as much as you can as well once the initial shock wears off .... and as a PP
said, take as much help as you can. My DD (26) bought me a diary to write everything down in and it's been a godsend for remembering stuff x

But as @SlB09 said, it's the loneliest I have ever felt too. I hope today goes well my lovely xx I will be thinking of you xx

UmaniCaroline · 12/02/2024 22:17

My DH has heard from the hospital today and his surgery will be on Monday. Less than 2 weeks since he went to the GP.
I am terrified that this is because they know it's more serious than we thought.
I don't know, I am in a complete panic (on my way home so will try to calm down before I see him).

OneMoreAndNoMore · 12/02/2024 22:26

Oh @UmaniCaroline I can only imagine your panic. Sending you the biggest hug xx

Maybe your DH has more info but didn't want to tell you at work. This will be a massive shock but ime the NHS don't waste any time. All my DH's tests were done really quickly x

💐💐💐

UmaniCaroline · 15/02/2024 07:42

Morning all.
My DH had his pre-op assessment yesterday and surgery is on Monday.
I'm still feeling shell-shocked by it all.
I've got a session this morning with a counsellor that I used to see years ago. I thought it would be an opportunity to say all the things that I don't want to say to my DH.
Work are being quite flexible and I'm going to WFH as much as possible. Got Monday and Tuesday off.
DH is still being stoical and matter of fact about it. I'm trying to match him and not get too emotional all the time.

OneMoreAndNoMore · 15/02/2024 08:30

Morning @UmaniCaroline .... I've been wondering how you were getting on. I'm pleased work are being flexible for you .... you need all the support you can get. Also counselling is a good idea. I'm on a waiting list but hopefully it won't be too much longer. Have you told the DC's yet? Make the most of this weekend before surgery and treatment. I know it's hard to stay positive but you sound like you're doing amazingly well xx

UmaniCaroline · 15/02/2024 21:17

Thank you @OneMoreAndNoMore
I'm lucky that I was able to access the counselling, I do really appreciate it.
It was helpful to be able to say exactly what I wanted without editing myself.

All DCs know now. They have all been lovely and supportive.

We've got a couple of things planned for the weekend including a nice Sunday lunch.

I find myself looking at DH all the time to see if looks different/ ill.

DH woke up shouting last night with a nightmare which was really sad. I was able to comfort him and he went back to sleep easily.

OneMoreAndNoMore · 16/02/2024 11:04

Sounds like you're getting great support @UmaniCaroline. Hope you have a lovely chilled weekend and good luck to your DH for Mondays surgery. I will be thinking of you both 💖💐

OneMoreAndNoMore · 21/02/2024 08:36

Hi @UmaniCaroline Just checking in to see how your DH's op went on Monday .... you've been in my thoughts 💐xx