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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Original poster

Family member hiding diagnosis

29 replies

Dairy1eaDunker · 12/12/2023 09:13

Family member A has confided that family member B has a malignant lump on their lung. B is not giving A all of the information, doesn't want anyone to know and is not responding quickly to letters to move things forward. I can't speak directly to B to encourage them to crack on with treatment as I am not supposed to know and will call a huge fall out if I reveal I know. I love both A and B but do not see B enough and so it will look strange if I try to spend time with them now, even at Christmas though I will see them around Xmas but they won't know I know! I saw them recently for an event they wanted to go to (this is not usual and this makes me think of a bucket list) and though they were ill, they didn't hint at what was going on.

All I know is that there has been an X Ray and a CT scan and B is under the impression it will be cut out but dont know if that has come from.a Doctor or their own research.

I've tried googling to gleam the prognosis but don't have enough information and I am worried their delays are going to ultimately lead to their death. B is early 50s and though doesn't live a healthy lifestyle is young enough to give a good fight, if they find their fight!

I'm frustrated because I can't do anything and sad to be going into Christmas not knowing the chance of them being here next year. Add to that the worry for A who is devastated and also helpless and has had their Christmas ruined. I'm guilty as I feel annoyed at B too, to not be doing what they need to do and putting A in a horrible position.

No resolution can come from Mumsnet but perhaps anecdotally this happens a lot before people accept what they need to do??

OP posts:
Original poster
Dairy1eaDunker · 12/12/2023 09:15

Sorry obviously a ruined Christmas is not comparible to what B is going through, but they could make the situation better by being open with everyone and attempting to fight!

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 12/12/2023 09:20

It's tough OP. We've had similar in our family in terms of keeping it secret but thankfully not avoiding the medical side.

Poor B is probably terrified but they have to work through that themselves. I think all you can do is support A to the best of your ability.

Anselma · 12/12/2023 09:23

Perhaps she doesn't want to fight
Person A shouldn't have told you.
Sometimes people with a serious illness prefer to keep it to themselves to avoid having to cope with other people's concern and questions.
A friend was diagnosed with a life limiting illness and ended up having to constantly reassure and support relatives, especially her mother, who were all devastated by the news.

She said she wished she'd never told them and just been able to focus on herself.

LadyScribe · 12/12/2023 10:06

This is a worrying event for you all, and it seems worse at Christmas/ Turn of the year.
Perhaps B is keeping it to themselves over the festive time because doesn't want to spoil happy mood. It's possible.
As an outsider I would suggest you and A keep B's wishes, be a bit extra friendly over Christmas, but don't give away that you know. See if they open up later.
You and A can then decide if you 'challenge' or leave B to stew on their own.
They may been totally frightened and have shut themselves down.

You and A & B are in my thoughts (and prayers).

AlexVexed · 12/12/2023 10:19

It is a common reaction to want to keep an illness a secret. Perhaps they haven't got their own head around it yet and it makes it too real talking about it. Perhaps they don't want to worry or burden others. Its hard to respect but it is their decision and confronting will be painful for them. The secrecy often doesn't last very long, because it becomes physically obvious or family notice hospital visits. In the meantime, try a few white lies to spend extra time with B and A without suspicion. Need to borrow something? Then take it back? Do a photo present for someone else + need their help? A friend moved nearby so thought you'd pop by?
B will likely realise you knew once they decide to tell people and your discretion will be appreciated.

user14699084785 · 12/12/2023 10:25

Support A as best you can.
B possibly just wanting time to come to terms with it themselves without having to deal with reactions/upset of others - its endlessly exhausting having the same conversation over and over when people find out upsetting or bad news.

Anselma · 12/12/2023 11:22

user14699084785 · 12/12/2023 10:25

Support A as best you can.
B possibly just wanting time to come to terms with it themselves without having to deal with reactions/upset of others - its endlessly exhausting having the same conversation over and over when people find out upsetting or bad news.

It's so frustrating when people try to "help" by googling, then think they can advise on treatment. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that the ill person (and their Dr) will know far more about the condition than relative or friend.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 12/12/2023 11:24

My father flatly refused to say anything at all about his cancer. For nearly 40 years, even when it was obvious it had spread towards the end, none of us were able to help because he denied it was happening.
There’s nothing you can do but wait and see.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 12/12/2023 11:28

Unless B doesn’t have capacity, s/he gets to make all the decisions, regardless of whether A or you agree with them. We don’t own the people we love.
It’s tough.💐

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 11:35

Some people just don't want any interference, they may procrastinate because they are afraid or simply don't want to talk about it. It can take a good few weeks to process the information you have been given.
They may not even want any treatment.
The best thing to do is offer support and try and find out what it is they actually want as an end result of this.
I'm 62, work fulltime, reasonably healthy but have already signed a DNAR as I don't want to be resuscitated and I don't want any treatment for cancer if I fall ill with it.
I'd be pretty annoyed if anyone tried to force me to have treatment I didn't want.

jay55 · 12/12/2023 11:38

Sometimes it takes a while for things to get going. My dad was diagnosed in July but treatment didn't start until November. There were appointments then long waits. And the letters sometimes came after the event.

Best of luck, to them and you. It's can all feel impossibly helpless but we can't make others respond how we would ourselves.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2023 11:40

Person A should never have told you, and I hope you all can respect B's choice.

pizzaHeart · 12/12/2023 11:48

I would say that it depends on personality and relationship. My late Dad behaved like this - encouraged mum not to tell DSis and me because of being scared and very bad in talking about medical issues/ emotions/ feelings In reality he was noticeably relieved when Mum told us and we were able to help them both. After first few sentences and high emotions (which Dad hated so much) the conversation moved into practical issues and it became manageable. My parents were older at that point but still managed other things by themselves so without cancer our involvement wouldn’t be needed

DyslexicPoster · 12/12/2023 11:59

It's really hard and I feel for you all OP. They might not want to fight it. The might not grasp how serious it is as they are shutting down. Not the same but a close family member has a very aggressive form of cancer. My immediate family are in denial and keep talking about her getting better. All I can do is face the facts that all evidence points to the end being very near on my own and leaving the others to deal with it as they are. I feel they are in for a massive shock and wasting the last chance they have to do things. But ultimately no good can come from me expressing my concern. It's not my journey and over the months I can see that. There's no right part for me to play, even gently pointing out to my immediate family that time is slipping away.

What helps me cope better is knowing everything the person does is right for them. Even refusing treatment or choosing waky alternative treatments over chemo. That's their choice to make with full capacity. I wish you all a good outcome

ClashCityRocker · 12/12/2023 12:09

When I had cancer one of the reasons I didn't tell certain people was because I didn't want them googling prognosis and pushing me for personal medical information. Not entirely saying you've done the latter and I know it comes from a place of love and care but when you're dealing with your own diagnosis it's so much to get your head around that you really don't want to involve other people - especially if it's someone who isn't a regular part of your everday life (?)

The available info is scaringly out of date anyway so step away from Google!

A cancer diagnosis can feel all-consuming. I didn't even tell most of my family and close friends until I had information on the stage and treatment plan - which was the best part of two months after I had my initial 'its cancer' diagnosis. Too many questions I couldn't answer and too much well-meaning gaudiness. I didn't want people to think 'oh we must do xyz as this could be her last christmas'....I needed to focus on myself, not help other people feel better that they were Doing The Right Thing, even if it came from a good place.

ClashCityRocker · 12/12/2023 12:16

Sorry, that was more of a vent and I'm probably projecting a bit!

Practically, there's little you can do at this stage but support A. B might bring you into their confidence once they've got their head around things a bit or they might not. Try and be patient and forgiving towards them in how they're choosing to deal with it - there's no set etiquette to how to handle a cancer diagnosis and the way they are acting isn't unusual.

AncientQuercus · 12/12/2023 12:29

I didn't particularly want people to know I had cancer. Unfortunately I told my mother because she knew I'd been going to the GP. She made it her mission to tell every single person she knew. She told all the family and then all her friends and casual acquaintances, with the narrative of how upset she was because HER daughter had cancer.
I was furious. Nobody offered any help with this knowledge, it was just a source of gossip. That's when you realise just how little people think of you.
The PILs I'd never really got on with didn't tell a soul, not even DH's siblings.

ShippingNews · 12/12/2023 12:29

Dairy1eaDunker · 12/12/2023 09:15

Sorry obviously a ruined Christmas is not comparible to what B is going through, but they could make the situation better by being open with everyone and attempting to fight!

It's not your place to decide that B should be attempting to fight . B is an adult and they can decide what they want to do about this. Please don't assume that you can "speak directly to B to encourage them to crack on with treatment" - maybe this is one of the reasons they don't want people to know, because they don't want people pushing them like that.

Not everyone wants family intervention like you want to do - it's a personal decision and it's a pity that A told you .

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 12:32

Not everyone wants family intervention like you want to do - it's a personal decision and it's a pity that A told you

Couldn't agree more. And if I were B I'd be beyond furious that A had told you - and presumably other people. Not to mention it now being chatted about on SM.

I hate this rhetoric of 'fight it' around cancer.

sarahc336 · 12/12/2023 12:32

Op as someone that has just supported my partner through cancer treatment, what we found was that others seem to simply want it "all done and dusted" as quick as possible to reduce their own anxiety. This isn't possible cancer treatment is a long and hard slog it's exhausting and scary. Sometimes the person affected just needs time. Also treatment takes a long time, they'll be multiple scans, biopsies, blood tests, appointments with all the team that you probably don't know about. The surgery doesn't just happen the next week. Please let the person move at their own pace and allow them to get the treatment they want when they're ready. Please don't make it about you, I mean this in the nicest way possible but at times people were fussing over my partner so much it made him want to hide away even more, they're much more anxious than you'll be feeling, think about how they must feel please ☺️

MilkChocolateCookie · 12/12/2023 12:33

I know it's hard OP, but you really need to respect B's autonomy over their own body and treatment and their decisions about who to tell.

Octavia64 · 12/12/2023 12:33

I have had a serious medical problem.

I got seriously sick of random people telling me what I should be doing medically to sort it and also having to deal with their emotions around it when I was upset enough myself.

Do NOT try to make B take a particular course of treatment. It will not go down well.

Let them have the time to come to terms with it themselves, and respect that they don't want all and sundry knowing about it and then being subject to the phone calls - I'm so so sorry for you you should do this - FUCK OFF.

Maddy70 · 12/12/2023 15:17

I am at a similar stage. I don't want anyone to give me advice.

Original poster
Dairy1eaDunker · 12/12/2023 23:15

Thanks all. I think my frustration is my own feeling that I need to help, but you're all right - that's my need and not necessarily Bs, I never thought of this before. Accepting that is a bit of a weight off my mind, I dont need to take on the responsibility.

My main concern I guess is that this is curable but if left too long untreated will become life threatening. I've had an update and B seems to be engaging with medical again which I am grateful for.

I won't tell B I know, I did have to drag it out of A because I could read them like a book that something was going on and A knows that I get anxious and catastrophise many scenarios so in a way this was probably told to me for my benefit too. So really I need to get my big girl pants on and get on with life as normal as that is what B wants, again your posts have helped that realisation. Of course I'll be thinking of B a lot and keeping communication as much as possible without overdoing it. I have an excuse coming up to spend some time with B again soon thankfully and A I see regularly anyway so can help them vent.

If B tells me, what's the best thing I can say or do?!

OP posts:
MintJulia · 12/12/2023 23:32

When I had cancer I chose only to tell two members of my family, who I thought I could trust, because I needed an hour of their time in practical terms. One of them was on the phone to someone else within minutes, it was as much as I could do to stop her putting it on Facebook. So now there is only one person I can turn to.

If B shares any details with you, ask if there is anything you can do to help, and be guided by their answer. Don't make a big fuss and don't share that information. They will deal with it in their own way.