Bullying by excluding

[spiderpig8]

I really don't know what to do.DD1 is in Yr4.there are only 4 other girls in her yr group and a further 4 in her class (in yr 5 & 6)
Three of the other girls in DD s year are extremely pushy and selfish and mean to DD who is not aggressive.
DD says she feels invisible.She says the other girls ignore her all the time and won't let her play.They chorus in unison 'we aren't playing anything ' when they obviously are , or just run away from her.
One girl in particular steems to be the ringleader and I have noticed if anyone makes friendly overtures to DD this girl intercedes.
this has really been going on since reception.We have had children in her year back to play but they have been so utterly awful, it hasn't really been enjoyable for anyone.
DD makes friends readily at Brownies ,non-school clubs and on holiday.Although we have noticed she is getting less confident at this.I asked her to try and make friends with the 'nice' girl.She siad that her hair looked lovely after it had been cut and the girl just said 'whatever' and turned away.
We have spoken to the school.The first time we asked what DD is doing to make the other girls not like her.The answer came back very resoundingly that it isn't DD it is the other girls who are so pushy !The Brownie leader , told me she had never had such a group of little madams in the 30 years she had been running brownies.
Recently we have approached the HT who made all the right noises but did nothing.
DD speaks very very quietly at school and now anywhere out of the house.
DD is now becoming a lot more upset by the situation.We went into school again last week and the HT suggested that he thought that the 2 boys in her yr group were being bullied too.(DD actually is friendly with these boys but they have very different interests)HT said he would move the classroom round so DD could be sitting with the older girls and some nice boys.But this hasn't happened.In fact yesterday the teacher let 2 of the nasty girls pick teams for games and DD was picked last.So they are obviously taking no notice of our complaint at all
I can't see anything ever changing.The 'ringleader' is the chair of governors only child and the only non-white child in the school.When we went to
I am so worried about what it is doing to my little girls self esteem and confidence.I really want to move her but I am worried about going from the frying pan into the fire as most of the schools round here are of a similar size.the nearest bigger school is about 8 miles away and would mean we have to move DD2 who is very happy and popular where she is.One of us would have to give up work to HE and we really couldn't afford this .
This type of emotional bullying is so difficult to prove but I feel probably the most damaging.
I wonder whether I should write a letter to the chair of governors to outline my complaint and make her realise how her little princess has affected my DD

Thankyou so much for all your helpful replies.SE13 I wish you were a teacher at our school.
I had more or less made up my mind to take DD out of school and have DH cut down on his work a bit and together with mum and dad home ed her for a while til her confidence increased before looking for another school for her.
But today she came out looking very happy having apparently played with the one and only y6 girl.I don't know if the school engineered this but it wasm so nice to see her looking happy.Although I'm aware of 'one swallow does not a summer make'

Hullygully - you must realise that most primary teachers take the social dynamics of their classes very seriously and do consider the mental health and happiness of the children in their care. I don't have expeience of a small school which is exacerbating the problem here and think making a new start might be the best answerr but it is a hard one.

Openbook - I would love to think that, but unfortunately in my (wide) experience it is simply not possible as there are too many children and not enough time. But I think they think they do.

I suppose there's no answer to that. Parents must keep trying though and call schools to account over Every Child Matters. Mental health is an aspect of that and has to be addressed.

Move her. Not only will the little madams not be persuaded by any efforts of yours to be civil to your DD, you don't want these girls as 'friends' of your DD. In order to be friends, they would need personality transplants. I recommend the books "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and also "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads" by Rosalind Wiseman, for some great insights into what's going on at this school.

I wouldn't bother writing to the mother of the ringleader. You will only be scoffed at, and you run the risk of having her D hear of your letter.

The fact that a teacher allows individual children to pick teams speaks volumes about the level of insensitivity to these issues that is present in the school. Any school that has even the smallest clue about the dynamic of one-upmanship that can go on among children would not allow this.

What schools do the nice girls from Brownies go to?

I'm a TA and was in yr 3 last year. I have moved up with the same class this year. We had 3 new pupils from other schools who had experienced problems socialising. They have all settled extremely well and made friends.

I think it would be better to move your DD now than wait until her confidence is really shattered and she's going up to high school.

Hope you manage to sort something out.

My daughter has had similar problems, despite being in an average sized school. Are there any boys at the school? My daughter often plays with boys as they aren't so cliquey, and like to run around like she does (rather than stand in groups discussing X-Factor). She's also become more friendly with a nice girl in the year below (despite the girls in her year trying to ridicule her for spending time with someone younger).

Out of school activities and out of school friends are all very well, but they still have to get through lunchtimes and breaks, and it's not very nice to be always the one left over when the kids have to pick partners.

How did it go today?

Thinking about you and your DD spiderpig8, I do hope things are starting to improve and that DD has a better day again today.

Thankyou everyone.Well it seems that this time (with DH involved rather than just me)
He reported to us today.Apparently he had a word with the girls concerned while DD was at a music lesson.He has also lined up a couple of the older girls to befriend DD so she has had someone to do stuff with at playtime.In class they have been doing a lot of work generally on bullying.|So this week has been nice for DD .Please god let be the start of things getting better!If things don't though we have decided to pull her out
Thankyou so much everyone for your advice and concernXXX

Can I update you ?
Things took a turn for the worse and there was an incident of physical violence by the ringleader one day.We sent a letter to the head who had insisted we report every inscident.The following day he called us all in and said the perpetrator had perhaps punched DD in the stomach accidentally as she had denied it.Poor DDs face just looked so betrayed and it was as if at that time the HT had crossed the line .
DD was very white and felt sick when we got home.At that moment we decided that she wouldn't go there again.We wrote a letter saying we were deregistering her with immediate effect.She seems much calmer and more confident at home already.
The school are hushing up the fact that she has left and trying to talk me into sending her back everytime I go with DD2.
I just feel as though I want to cry all the time and I don't know why,I should be feeling happy.

Spiderpig - just found the thread again. I hope it has worked out and your daughter is happy - have you found a new school?

I have just read this thread. I too hope that your daughter has regained her confidence and things have worked out for the best.