How do I handle the mil situation

[annonymous98]

I have been with my partner for 3 years. I only managed to move out of his mother’s house last year by homelessness with my 4 month old (caused by her) she called the police to remove us even though we were willingly leaving anyway. A bit more back story now,

the 2 years I lived at hers I received physical threats, accusations, racial abuse and mental abuse. Let me explain further so you can decide weather I have labelled the behaviour as correct.

everything I am about to explain was done when I was in my (boyfriends) bedroom with the door shut sat in the bed sometimes with earphones in the block the noise. In the bath, in a different room or not in the house. Also For further context I stopped speaking to her a year into the relationship when she had already kicked me out, accused me of lying about 🍇, called me every name under the sun and more, while I was at work btw.

she does not work, so she has 24/7 free, for further context she is white British and I am British born Pakistani.

She would start arguing with my partner (her son) and start calling me names, lazy (I was working, coming home to cook, cleaning her house for her) fat (she’s bigger than me I’m a size 14) ugly, liar (don’t know why she’s said that) and a bad mum. She would say I’ve lied about the 🍇 I received for 2 years from my ex husband, the abuse, the starvation, the control etc. She would call me a pa🔑, foreign b@stard, foreigner etc.

this was happening every week for a year and then I got a new job and got pregnant, whenever I got a job I would sense intense jealousy from her. My boyfriend would show her ugly girls and she would say “I think she looks like her” just to be funny. Every work break I was receiving phone calls from my OH stating she has called people up telling them I’ve been bullying her all day (hadn’t spoke to her in a year and been at work since 7) and they turning up to my work to “smash my head in” while pregnant btw.

She would cause issues about me cooking when I got home saying “cooking all that mucky curry” “turning my house into a Indian takeaway” yellow slime” (she’s referring to the seasonings I use” calling people up telling them I’m cooking at midnight and she hates having a foreigner in the house (I finished work at 10, got home for 11:30)

I then started ordering food to avoid a issue, then she would scream about “ordering all these takeaways when I have to eat out the freezer” “greedy horrible c@nts ordering takeaway she eats like a horse” bearing in mind she wouldn’t allow me in the living room so while my food was cooking etc I would have to sit on the kitchen floor heavily pregnant while she would come in and stick her butt in my face hoping I would say something for once. But I still never I kept my head down.

I then started eating out before coming home to avoid the new matter. She would shout and scream about that too. She hated me eating. Constantly screaming “why does she have to be around why can’t it just be us two”

the whole pregnancy it was “she will never be the mother of my grandchild” “she’ll never have my grandkids” I was losing a lot of weight and I sat on the sofa once. She came down and approached me on the sofa and said “I’m not being funny about your weight but don’t sit there cos the sofa will go through” (I was 7 months and a size 14) she would then not let me use the washing machine causing me to have no clean clothes. Which meant I wasn’t able to leave my house to buy food or work. I hat to sit in a heatwave in a thick winter dressing gown naked underneath will heavily pregnant knowing I was passing out a lot, apart from her it was only men in the house. My OH told her I have no clothes clean so she knew. She said she wanted to try get me sacked too.

Also she would randomly walk in on us two and say “I don’t agree with mixed race marriages” stating it constantly and throwing racial abuse my way. The whole time I never responded back.

She also complained that my menstrual blood was getting on my things and screamed about how disgusting I am for my periods (I have pcos she knows this)

Baby was born and she kissed and grabbed him straight away. He’s breastfed she knew that and was placing his face all over her breasts and skin saying she wishes she could breastfeed him. So I stopped her holding him.

Anyway since moving out I have not allowed her to see the child as she is weirdly obsessed with little boys privates. Doesn’t listen to boundaries etc this Christmas my OH wants to take our son to see his brother who is very ill and he’s bound and who also lives at his mothers. She will try speaking to me with front on since other family will be there. And I know they are going to ask to hold my son and give him to her without me seeing.

I want my son to see his uncle but I am very unhappy about going there and don’t think she deserves to be grabbing my child after everything she’s said and done. How do I handle this situation?

Is this relevant? I’m asking what do on Christmas. And if you must know he didn’t have ID due to his mother again.

She’s racists and hates “my kind” but gagging to see the kid she didn’t want me to have? No. Me and him are absaloutely fine. She’s the only issue.

What has ID got to do with the price of fish and can’t he use the Internet? To order a birth certificate and get some?

Tried not to be noisy, and you know I wasn’t even cooking curry 😂 she said I was cooking curry because I was seasoning some chicken breast to grill ☠️ she goes to sleep at early hours in the morning but I still was quiet. She was in the living room watching tele.

no unfortunately he’s not young enough for a sling he’s nearly 1 and a half. But that’s a good idea. Thank god you’ve actually give me some advice instead of assuming things about my partner 😭

I mean this kindly but your OH and yourself could do with therapy to discuss moving forward in your relationship and how to deal with MIL.

You say he's wanting your child (and you?) to go to hers over Christmas.... a woman who had thing about children's genitals and treated you like that?

And his method of defending you is to spit at her..... umm..

Because his mum messed up his ID he couldn’t get a bank account or anything. So no he couldn’t. He is now providing if you must know.

He exactly did she do that?

i hope he reported her to the police?

he thinks it’s his brothers last Christmas, he’s severely poorly. So I agreed because he hasn’t seen our son. I mean yes he did but she was out of order with what she did prior to that so I didn’t say anything.

He’s offered for her to sit down with us both and resolve whatever issues she may have. She’s refused.

Because she was withholding his letters and information such as National Insurance number which you need for everything. She was giving him the wrong one for years. Offering to send letters etc off and not sending them so he doesn’t get it. He can’t report her to the police it’s his own mother. Also the situation is tricky because she’s caring for his very sick brother so if she goes he’s alone and bed bound and not eligible for a carer.

So what did the police say when he reported it?

What do you want to do OP?

Do you want your OH to go on his own?
Go with your child?
Go with you and your child?
Not go at all?

Ask your DH to bring his brother to your house or another venue for a visit, but without MIL. I wouldn’t ever go to her house, let my baby go there or see her under any circumstances. The woman is toxic and musn’t be able to influence your child.

Honestly, I think you should ask your partner why he wants to take your child in to the house where you MIL is. She’s crazy!

Say no.

That was hard to read. Why did you rush into this relationship after being abuse the first time also? Is it not better dating within your own community??

I do want him to see his uncle as he’s dying and he’s always been brilliant to me. Ideally I’d like to leave after however family are there who are very pushy and aren’t afraid to argue. If I was to leave my partner would leave with me. Which against would result in an argument because I’ve “made him leave”. I just don’t know what to do 😭

no I didn’t want someone from my community as they would be a lot more toxic. I was very vulnerable and I just wanted to be happy. It’s worked out we had a rocky time in his mother’s house but that’s over now.

I do understand but his older brother is dying and a good chance this is his last Christmas. So we both agreed he should be able to see his nephew. He is also bed bound. He doesn’t expect me to speak to her since family is there who I get along with. But their loyalties lie with the MIL 😬

This is a great idea! But unfortunately my BIL is bed bound. He can’t even leave him room to pee. I am relieved that many people can understand and agree with the fact I don’t let her see my child. I didn’t know if I was being to harsh.

He didn’t report it. I meant he can not call the police on his mother due to her looking after his dying brother. And there being no other option for someone to care for his brother.

Send your DP off to be with his brother for his last Christmas, he can then zoom call you and DC so his brother can see his nephew. As his brother is terminally ill you won't know if he's capable of having a small child visit on the day and it won't be pleasant for your son to see such an ill person anyway. Everyone bypasses MIL.

This is a horrific situation - domestic abuse, rape, racist abuse. Your partner is awful, your MIL is awful, and how you’ve not all come to the attention of Children Services is shocking because this child at the centre has already faced so much adversity and abuse!
If you are even entertaining a relationship with your partner then you are unfortunately a part of the problem. Yes you are a victim/survivor but when there are children involved you have to act to protect them. I know it isn’t as easy as that but seriously, this relationship is toxic and abusive.

Your MIL sounds like a verbally abusive, racist bully.
To be honest your partner doesn’t sound great either - spitting at his mum, showing photos of “ugly girls”.
The whole situation sounds toxic and I don’t understand why you stayed within this family or brought a baby into it. That baby is forevermore linked to a racist family.

The baby is here now so it’s too late, but I would keep your child away from your MIL on the basis that she is a racist.

This is a good idea. Also very helpful.

Truthfully this thread has been hard to read but from what I’ve seen it’s an awful situation for your child

I don’t understand what my partner has done wrong? My child has always been fine. I left the home, infact I left the same day my child heard the screaming and shouting. There’s no abuse involved with this child or currently with me either. We live very far from her (but in the same city) my partner calls in every no and again (outside the home).