Child strangled at school

[Starlight987]

My son who’s 7 was involved in a serious incident at lunchtime last week. Another child put both hands around his neck in a chokehold my son said he couldn’t breathe, and other children witnessed it. He was left with a red mark on his neck.

I met with the headteacher and safeguarding lead. They acknowledged the neck-grabbing but described it as “rough play” and said it was “a reflection matter, not an exclusion matter.” They also told me it wasn’t classed as strangulation. The other child has only been given a reflection consequence and the school insists it doesn’t go further than that.

I feel this minimises the seriousness of what happened and that the school are brushing it under the carpet. I’ve already reported the incident to the police so that is on record. I have also spoken to social services but they said they can’t do much without me giving them the child’s full name and surname or address which I don’t know, I only know his name. My son has been complaining about this child since he was in year 1 and there have been multiple incidents where he has hurt my child. The school has previously said they will keep a close eye on them and again have said today they can’t control other children’s actions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Should I escalate straight to governors, or wait until after a second meeting with the head later this week?

Well said 👏🏻

Quick update: I’ve now emailed the school to say that my son won’t be going back until there is a written safeguarding plan in place, as I don’t feel he is safe. I first asked for this plan by email on Monday, but I’ve had no reply so far. In the meeting with the headteacher the same day, she even acknowledged seeing my email but then questioned why I want everything in writing. I told her it’s my right to have things on record, especially if anything happens again.

Yes, that’s exactly it. The difference is that in your case the school treated it seriously and addressed it properly, so it never became a pattern. In my son’s case, the school is trying to minimise it by calling a chokehold “rough play.” This isn’t a one-off either there’s already been other concerning behaviour from the same child where he’s made threats that he has a knife in his pocket and that he will stab my child, there was a birthday party where he started wrapping the strings of the balloon around a child’s neck. The mum of the child is aware of what happened and she said they’re just children, and that she can’t do anything which just shows how little accountability there is. That’s why I feel I have to push for a written safeguarding plan, because otherwise nothing will change.

Very well done, OP. Whilst they can fob you off by denying and minimising ghe bullying, it's your problem; but when it risks affecting their all-important attendance figures - and you are most definitely not the one trying to hide the reason for that - it makes it their problem, as indeed it should rightly have been from the start.

If they won't do their job of keeping your child safe at school, you have no alternative but to take over from them by protecting your child and keeping him out of danger.

What a very, very poor show indeed on their part.

Thank you that’s exactly how it feels. The head called me in for a meeting this morning, the head kept urging me to bring my child in, saying things like “I urge you to bring him in today, because I really do,” “We want him in attendance and he goes to our welfare,” and “Social care don’t have any concerns about what we’ve done… so I urge you to bring him in.” I told her he’s still too frightened after the incident, and I need a written safeguarding plan before I can send him. She also questioned why I want things in writing, but I explained it’s important to have a clear record if anything happens again. They are still minimising what happened and said if I don’t agree with their decision to make a formal complaint. They’ve confirmed they’ve spoken to social services and that social services don’t have any concerns with what’s happened despite there being previous incident with the child and him making threats against my child to that he’s brought a knife from home and put it in his pocket to stab him.

Well done , @Starlight987 for your actions. Your absolute priority is to do what you are doing in order to keep your child safe. This update is truly terrifying because it sounds as if this child is well on the way to becoming a psychopath/sociopath. If there is no serious intervention now he could very well go on to kill someone by the time he is in his teens. He is a headline in the making.

@Starlight987 Did the school find the knife and take it away from this DC? Never heard of a safeguarding plan. What would you expect to see in it? Your DS isolated from other dc? Is this even workable.

I think you have got to the stage where you don’t trust the school staff, don’t like the head and SS aren’t agreeing with you. So, I’d find another school. Job done.

Why are you minimising the actions of a clearly very disturbed child? Years ago, he would have been classified as maladjusted and removed to a specialist setting as soon as possible. The mother's response makes me wonder what has been going on at home and what he has been allowed to watch on television/devices. Reading @Starlight987's updates, this child seems to have many of the traits of the two boys who killed James Bulger. The school would appear to have acted very irresponsibly in the way that they are also minimising the boy's behaviour. Social services need to be involved with him - hopefully the school have at least contacted them. Safeguarding is vital, not only for @Starlight987's child, but for every other child in the school. Just because you are completely unaware of it doesn't mean that it does not exist and that it cannot be enforced. Of course @Starlight987 has lost confidence in the school and the way the school have responded to a very serious situation and, if it is possible, a move to another school would probably be for the best. However, it does not negate the present school from ensuring the safety of every child in it in order to prevent an almost certain tragedy from occurring. It really is as crucial as this.

Thank you, I completely agree with everything you’ve said. I was the one who actually contacted social services myself with a safeguarding concern because of how serious this is. At first they tried to brush it off and told me that without the child’s surname they couldn’t take a referral, but they later said they would contact the school directly. The school have since told me that social services “have no concerns”, which I find very hard to accept given everything that has happened and all the risks I’ve raised.

As the school ‘have spoken to SS’ and it presumably means that they have mentioned your child, can you speak to SS yourself again and ask to have input on the now -double report (from you & school) and the reasoning behind their decision for no action? You presumably should have a right to this, as it involves both you and your child. Also press for SS to have sight of the CCTV - they may not know of its existence (& tbh it may no longer exist jf the school is this keen to minimise the event).

It is serious; what would the reaction have been had the child continued to strangle your DS until he passed out? Or if the threat to stab had been carried out?

Definitely speak to SS; inform them that you have a crime reference number as well and ask for them to meet you. It might be that the school really hasn’t spoken to them and are hoping you won’t check this.

Your poor lad.

If you are in England and Wales and the child is under the age of 10 then police will take no action whatsoever because he is under the age of criminal responsibility. I’m surprised they’re visiting you to be honest. They might liaise with school but there will be no role for them beyond this. So you couldn’t criminalise him if you wanted to. It’s not your choice.

I completely understand that a child under 10 can’t be held criminally responsible, and I want to be clear again that I am not trying to criminalise him. My concern is safeguarding, not punishment. When a child puts another in a chokehold around the neck, that is a serious safety risk regardless of age.

The reason I reported it is so there is an official record with the police and social services, and so the school can be held accountable for putting proper safeguarding measures in place. Reporting it also protects both children mine and the other child because it ensures the right agencies are aware if the behaviour escalates or points to wider concerns.

So you’ve made your report to police and social services, both of whom will leave it with school to resolve. School have taken what they see is appropriate action. You can have your meeting to understand what steps they are taking to avoid repeat incidents. Then you’ve got a choice, send him back, or move him.

When did the police become subservient to schools? Is there an official school equivalent of the IPCC that the school should be referring themselves to?

What if the violent child had killed the victim? Maybe not actually through strangling him fully to death, but by depriving him of enough oxygen and leaving him lightheaded enough so that he fell in the playground and smashed his head on the concrete? Would that be up to the school to blame the dead child for 'not being resilient enough' and still insist that they haven't had a single incident of bullying there for the last 40 years?

I get that a child of his age can't be held legally responsible for the consequences of his actions; but that doesn't magically stop those consequences from actually happening.

OP's DS is the same young age - why is everybody only concerned about one 'poor innocent, defenceless' 7yo but aren't bothered in the least about the other one?

You need to make your problem their problem. Send copy of your email and all future communication by registered post too. Same goes for communication with social services.

Bullet point list of all incidents especially knife threats and strangulation. Facts no emotion.

You’re building up evidence that you have told the relevant authorities of a significant safeguarding risk. They will be well aware how things would play out for them / how this will look in the press in the future in the event of a significant incident which frankly, is likely to happen if the perpetrator continues to be permitted to behave as he likes with no impactful sanction for his behaviour. This may press them into action.

You could also pay a small amount to have a solicitor letter sent to school in similar vein.

As well as EvelynBeatrice's excellent advice, I'd also mention to the school that you're planning on contacting your local paper if you have one.

This is the kind of stuff they pounce on, and they can be surprisingly good at stirring up negative publicity for schools, councils or other organisations, when it's warranted.

We have a school in our town that has got itself a reputation both for a lot of bullying and for not caring about preventing it (hmmm, I wonder if those two factors are linked at all...). It's a CofE school in a small-ish town and, all else being equal, you'd probably assume that they were the 'smartest'; but it's the first thing that anybody says when somebody mentions their name and a load of parents (including us) would not have remotely considered sending our DC there, however good the teaching may otherwise be.

It's all very well for schools to be frightened of OFSTED, the government, the LEA etc.; but ultimately, if enough parents consider their school to be an automatic no-go establishment based on their reputation, they won't be keeping their jobs for too long...

@Starlight987 I do think there’s an issue and you are now recognising this dc has additional needs. You do not have support from SS or the police (no surprise there) so my responses to you are the pragmatic ones. As another poster has said, you have limited options. Complain - but what do you expect to happen? A safeguarding plan that no one polices? Something written down that needs an extra member of staff to implement? The school holds all the cards. Threatening is also a big mistake. Heads won’t listen to this and local news outlets won’t either. Try Facebook. You also need to be aware that the other dc with needs should have them addressed too. You have no idea what work the school are doing with him,

Your only obvious way out of this is to leave the school. If it’s so poor, I don’t understand why you don’t.

Also it’s not safeguarding - it’s a bullying and behaviour issue.

You have no idea what work the school are doing with him,

Do you not think they could pay her the faintest courtesy of acknowledging that a very bad thing did actually happen to her DS, apologise that it happened on their premises and assure her that they are dealing with the behaviour appropriately and will be safeguarding the children in future from such behaviour - rather than victim-blaming and basically dismissing her as a drama queen who's complaining about nothing?

It's a bullying and behaviour issue where it concerns the perpetrator; but for the victim, it is safeguarding - at least in the traditionally understood meaning of 'safeguarding' i.e. guarding children's safety.

It seems to be a very common pattern in schools that only the bully matters, but never the victims.

They can call it what they like; but they need to actually deal with it and not laugh and brush it away.

Unless their standards are at such a nadir that they somehow think that allowing and dismissing a child being strangled is 'keeping them safe'?

This exact thing happened to my daughter at a similar age.

The first time it was brushed off as “over excitement” as the offending child has SEN (so does my DD but she’s never strangled anyone).

I wasn’t happy but stressed under no circumstances was this child allowed near or left alone with my DD in future if he can’t keep his hands to himself. It was absolutely minimized.

Lo and behold less than two weeks later it happened again, more extreme this time with two other horrified 8 year olds having to physically intervene to pull him off her.

I was immediately back in the school, who again tried to brush it off. I said in that case, I’m going to wait in the playground and throttle his mother until she goes blue (and I was so livid I probably would have), seeing as it’s acceptable to do so. Only then did they see my point of view at how little they’ve done to protect my child.

If you don’t think their response is appropriate then absolutely escalate to ofsted and governing bodies.

It’s not acceptable at any age. Kids are dying from doing this stupid shit on TikTok and I don’t want my DD growing up thinking she has to be mauled by anyone.

I agree with PP: even though the school don't care about the welfare of this boy's victims, you'd think they would want to address the very obvious issues that the perpetrator had.

Honestly, if he's doing this at 7, with parents who couldn't care less, I wouldn't be remotely surprised if he ends up in a YOI and then prison when he's an adolescent and young adult.

Maybe, unlike good schools, they just see their job as (neglectful) babysitting, doing the very bare minimum and churning kids through until they're no longer their problem, if this boy continues on this pathway, when he ends up in the news for all of the wrong reasons, the authorities may well come back and ask the school some very awkward questions indeed.

I’ve taken your advice and contacted social services again. They told me they can’t comment on the other child directly, but suggested I should perhaps think about moving my son to another school. Realistically I probably will have to move him, but it feels really sad that I’m being forced into this position purely because the school is failing in its basic duty to safeguard him.

Bloody hell that’s a cop-out of an answer! I’m glad they at least spoke to you though.

I really hope your DS recovers from this with no lasting effects & that if you do have to move him that you have help with this.

Sending a hug cx

This sounds just like my DS school, he got pushed to the floor and put in a choke hold and threatened with r@pe by the other boy, all because he lost a game of tug of war. All the other boy had to do was say sorry and the school was satisfied.