Child strangled at school

[Starlight987]

My son who’s 7 was involved in a serious incident at lunchtime last week. Another child put both hands around his neck in a chokehold my son said he couldn’t breathe, and other children witnessed it. He was left with a red mark on his neck.

I met with the headteacher and safeguarding lead. They acknowledged the neck-grabbing but described it as “rough play” and said it was “a reflection matter, not an exclusion matter.” They also told me it wasn’t classed as strangulation. The other child has only been given a reflection consequence and the school insists it doesn’t go further than that.

I feel this minimises the seriousness of what happened and that the school are brushing it under the carpet. I’ve already reported the incident to the police so that is on record. I have also spoken to social services but they said they can’t do much without me giving them the child’s full name and surname or address which I don’t know, I only know his name. My son has been complaining about this child since he was in year 1 and there have been multiple incidents where he has hurt my child. The school has previously said they will keep a close eye on them and again have said today they can’t control other children’s actions.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Should I escalate straight to governors, or wait until after a second meeting with the head later this week?

Your poor son doesn’t have to put up with this and neither do you. Strangulation is not rough play, and I don’t care how old the child is. What did the police do/say/how are they planning on responding? I would also phone social care back and give them any details you know about the child and details of the school. I would email the Head and Safeguarding lead to ask for assurance of what steps they will be taking to ensure the safety of your child whilst in school and if you are not reassured by the response then I would go to governors. I hope you get sorted soon

Tell the school in writing that you are happy with their safety plan for your child and cite Keeping Children Safe in Education. There are specific sections on ‘child on child abuse’.

inform them (and follow through) that you will be reporting this incident and their response to the chair of Governors, Safeguarding lead and Ofsted.

they need to know you mean business. Keep a diary of all incidents and ensure their responses are in writing

So I mentioned several times during the meeting that as a school they have a duty of care to ensure my child is safe and is receiving an education and that my child shouldn’t have to be going to school feeling scared. The headteachers exact words were ‘you’ve used the word duty a few times, which is fine, but it’s also giving a little element that we’re not fulfilling our duties, and that’s all I… I know you said this morning you felt that this was a suspension. This is not worthy of a suspension for a child at that age where all the children are involved in quite a rough game.’

Thanks so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. The police have given me a crime reference number and are actually coming out to see me and my son to take a statement about what happened. I’ll also follow up with social services and keep pushing the school for a clear written safety plan.

Why on earth wouldn't strangulation be classed as strangulation? Is it just to try and minimise it?

The fact that this is ongoing and a pattern suggests you need to take it higher than the head.

Yeah I believe they are trying to minimise it and trying to protect their reputation as it’s classed as a ‘posh’ and ‘outstanding’ school

Did you take 'photographs of you son's injuries? If so, at your meeting later this week, I would put them in front of the head and ask how they can be described as 'rough play' rather than what they are, injuries sustained while another child was trying to strangle your child.

That is so poor from them. I'm so sorry for your wee one, the refusal to take bullying seriously always makes it so much worse. I'm glad you've involved the police in that context as strangulation is a criminal offence and the school should never minimise it.

Unfortunately pictures weren’t taken, but the incident form from school when a child sustains an injury was given and it said he had a red mark on the neck when he was seen by first aid, they also reviewed the CCTV footage in the school and did confirm the child had him in a chokehold but they are classifying it as rough play rather than strangulation and are saying physical assault (which I have described it as) is a very strong and harsh word

Games are playful and consensual. Even adults can't consent to being physically harmed! Your child is being assaulted on school property with the knowledge of the school.
You are well within your rights to go absolutely ape shit here.

You need everything in writing, even after a meeting where you have taken notes (personally I would record it on my phone) you follow it up with an email confirming what what said, you need a paper trail. There is a reason schools like phone calls (again an app that records all calls might be a good idea at this point) and in person meetings.

You need to keep a record of accurate times and events, keep everything factual. Google Keeping Children Safe in Education and quote directly from it.

School know this is serious but do not want to exclude because they have to record this. You need to go in heavy handed because they are absolutely minimising what happened.

I have just seen your update, I would want to see the CCTV or tell them you want it protected and kept because you are not taking this lying down.

When my daughter was bullied I took some slightly full on action.

I put everything in writing in an email to the head massively highlighting safeguarding (cc’ing her teacher) and also told them I was not sending her back into school until they could confirm she would be safe. My next step from this would’ve been to also then send to the governors. She ended up only being out of school for a day (and many wouldn’t do this due to attendance records etc but I felt I needed to do something that would be taken note of and also so my daughter could see I was taking action).

They did then address it all and another parent went to the governors about issues with the same child.

The police won’t do anything. Your bigger issue is that the school see this as play and nothing more. It doesn’t make them a good school to avoid sorting out bullying. If this child has targeted DS systematically, it’s bullying. So why have they not dealt with this?

What the school are presumably saying is that some boys were involved in rough play and yours was involved too. I’m assuming your DS was not playing chess and other DS walked over and strangled him. Unfortunately some dc will act out poor behaviour and you are not in a position to ask for a punishment.

Have you looked at their behaviour policy and sanctions policy? Have they followed their anti bullying policy? When you complain, you must use the complaints policy. You don’t have a direct line to the governors complaints committee and they don’t have to hear parental grievances at meetings. You must use the procedures.

You don’t, I assume, know the circumstances of this child and how the school are attempting to deal with his behaviour. Had he SEN? Could have. That’s something to bear in mind. The police cannot tell the head what to do either or SS.

The obvious thing to do is to get DS to understand he must stay away from this child. Choose other friends and don’t get involved with rough play. The school should stop such play anyway so who was supervising? Why did DS take part? I’d work really hard to make him understand this play isn’t suitable because someone will get hurt!

When my son was bullied at school I took the bullying policy to pieces and highlighted where there had let my son down. Thankfully, eventually they did something that seems to have stopped it, so far, albeit my son was suspended for a day because he retaliated, he has ADHD and ASD so it was pretty full on retaliation, but exactly what the bullies wanted - needless to say the bullies for sod all at that point, hence going full mamma bear mode!

that is not rough play. that is terrible behaviour that could esculate as the child grows. well done for reporting to the police and I would take this matter higher as it is not right for your son having to put up with it

Even if the child has SEN surely attempted strangulation is not to be tolerated? If he needs supervision he should be supervised. Don't let them minimise this OP. Good luck

One of the mum’s who I spoken to said that she previously spoke to the mum of the child and that she told her that apparently the school has previously suggested that her child might have special educational needs and offered support, but the mum reportedly declined this, insisting that her son is fine and doesn’t need help. So at the moment he doesn’t have an SEN diagnosis or additional support in place from what I know

@Starlight987 Having a diagnosis means absolutely nothing in terms of what provision a school makes for a dc that needs help or greater supervision. Some parents don’t want dc labelled. However the school has a duty to him as they do to your dc.

It’s counter productive to try to get a dc excluded is not really acceptable. The Head makes the decision and has the legal right to do so. Why is your DS playing with him if he bullies him? Is this child a magnet? Maybe he isn’t capable of playing in an appropriate manner due to his needs? You don’t really know what they are. Dc doing this to other dc isn’t that unusual if they cannot regulate behaviour and don’t know right from wrong at 7. Some parents really struggle with dc and you clearly want to punish them.

My tactic would be to ensure all policies are followed and not see this as a criminal act by a 7 year old. It’s not remotely a given that this DS will end up getting worse. However it’s down to the school to manage him and they will almost certainly have sessions on not hurting others and being kind etc. The problem is that some sen DC simply cannot understand those concepts and they cannot respond as you think they should. As some dc cannot read well because they have dyslexia. Good behaviour takes practice as reading does. It is a Sen if he cannot regulate behaviour but branding him a criminal at 7 won’t get you anywhere.

I think it’s unfair to suggest I “clearly want to punish” another child. What I want is for my son to be safe. He was put in a chokehold, said he couldn’t breathe, was left with a mark on his neck, and other children described it as strangulation. That goes far beyond rough play.

I’m not asking for a 7-year-old to be criminalised. I am asking the school to stop minimising and to put a clear safeguarding plan in place. Labelling this as just “a reflection matter” isn’t good enough when a child’s airway has been restricted.

Yes, some children may have SEN that affects their behaviour. But that doesn’t lessen the school’s duty of care to the children around them. Supporting one child should never come at the expense of another child’s safety.

When schools dismiss or deny bullying, my personal acid test is very simple: ask the school staff whether they - as adults who are paid to be there and are free to quit their jobs - would happily put up with the same behaviour were their colleagues to do the same to them.

Are they truly claiming that, if another teacher came over to them and proceeded to strangle them so that they couldn't breathe, they would nonchalantly brush it off as 'just a tough workplace'?

Would they maybe just assume that they need to 'learn some resilience' - which seems to be the go-to catch-all excuse that they frequently trot out when victim-blaming bullied children?

If they claim that they would, they are liars.

I'd inform them that you're going to the police about the assault that happened on their premises - and do so unless they genuinely step up and do something themselves.

The assailant may/may not have SEN or learning difficulties - and I hope they get all the assistance that they need; but that's completely irrelevant to the fact that your child needs to be kept safe and protected from any violent behaviours, whether the perpetrator is doing it deliberately or because of reduced/zero capacity.

My son did this to a girl in his class when they were both 6 (18 years ago). It was completely out of the blue, he has ASD but had never been violent before. The teacher asked me and his dad to come into school, they treated it very seriously. My son was mortified by his own actions and couldn't explain why he did it. The girls mother was really good about it, my son was crying and I just kept apologising. He never did anything like that again and is still horrified that he did it. There was never any violence in the home and the only thing I can think of is that he got it from watching TV or reading, he was a prolific reader. The point is that the school DID take it seriously and although I think my son wasn't aware of the gravity of what he was doing he was made very aware of how serious it was and thankfully it wasn't a pattern of behaviour.

Happened to my daughter. Except no one saw it except friends and they all said he didn't mean it and she shouldn't have told him no to whatever it was he was doing she didn't agree with. I was told it was all in her head. Except it was a repeated pattern of escalating physical behaviour from this boy.
What was most upsetting was she said after 'i knew he was going to go for me before breaktime'
The boy did have SEN.
It was at a well known private school in a northern city. We took her out. Sent an message to the governors. Nothing happened at all.
I don't think having most SEN is an excuse for physical violence - it might explain it but it's not an excuse for no consequences in otherwise high functioning SEN individuals. And I say this as someone who is ND with ND kids.
This kid has been taught he can get away with hitting and strangling women because he is bigger and 'is special' by the school refusing to acknowledge a problem.

One thing I discovered when my own child was being bullied, is that schools have to ‘record’ incidents of bullying and it goes on a record of some sort which OFSTED et al can access. The school my DD was at, were proudly stating “We haven’t had an instance of bullying since 1997” whilst my child was being bullied… It then transpired after a conversation with the council, that if they act upon a report of bullying then it‘s recorded (as above) and then they can no longer state that they’ve not had any instances since 1997! So THAT’S why they weren’t doing anything about it! To protect their “…..since 1997” claim. 😡

I don't know if it was any kind of factor in this particular case, of course, but I would also be wondering whether this was possibly an idea that was gleaned from a highly inappropriate (for everybody, not just children imo) nasty website - maybe accessed by an older sibling or cousin who then showed it to a young child who then decided to try it out.

Possibly that or a very violent 'mainstream' horror (or similar) film aimed at adults. I don't think it's a natural instinct for a young child to even think of putting their hands firmly around somebody's neck and pressing hard - especially leaving marks - without them getting the idea from somewhere.

Yes, it's utterly disgusting.

Legislation that was doubtless introduced to make sure that schools tackle and stop bullying has been thoroughly twisted by most schools to the extent that they've realised it's much easier and less hassle for them to bare-faced deny that it even happens.

Yes, they will happily lie to children who have been the victims of bullying, and to their parents, and minimise and gaslight them that they're mistaken/lying/need to 'learn resilience' (eugh) - which, when you think about it for just one quick moment, means that they too are bullying the child.

It's blatantly obvious, isn't it, that any school that genuinely hasn't experienced any bullying for nearly 30 years must be located in Fairy Tale Land. It's certainly not a situation that would ever actually transpire in the real world. It's pretty much tantamount to the accused in the dock, pleading not guilty to the theft of the valuable jewellery, whilst standing there and proudly wearing it!