Teenage son being bullied at school - help

[Kangaroo16]

Hi - my teenage son is being bullied at school. This involves members of his class making continuous derogatory comments from the back of the class, making the other members of the class laugh at him. My son is intelligent, confident and popular. I am not sure if this boils down to jealousy but its getting to the point where he does not want to go to school. A friend of his from when he was a baby appears to have turned on him too. Nothing he does is right. My son does not want us to say anything to school for fear of them finding out and making his life even worse and then everyone who plays along then isolating him. He is worried that the kids that join in laughing will all then turn on him too. My husband and I have suggested we talk to the headteacher so we are going to discuss it this evening. However, that worry that will just cause the situation to escalate is holding us back. Any suggestions on what to do? He is in year 9.

When it comes to dealing with people, and how they will react we can never be 100% sure of anything .
What you do know however is that as the situation stands now, your son’s self esteem is eroding away and therefore doing nothing isn’t really an option.
Speak to the school because they know the students involved. If the situation were to degenerate further you will have to cross that bridge as you come to it .

Just in case what other school options do you have.

If it's from the back of the class then the teacher needs to deal with it

100% speak to the school. Best case scenario they will be adept at dealing with bullying and will know how to handle it in a way that doesn't make things worse for your DS. Worst case they will be useless and you'll know that you may have to consider moving your DS to another school if that's what he wants.

To add, I probably would start with his form tutor rather than the head, then you can escalate as needed up to head of year, head of safeguarding, deputy head etc.

I’d go to head of year. Form tutor will only pass it to them anyway.
I would definitely approach the school they will have numerous tactics which keep your sons name out of it. It won’t get better if you don’t. Hope he’s okay. Will he be moving groups soon for his options?

Can you speak to the parents of the children, especially the one he has known since he was a baby?

God no that is terrible advice what are
you thinking?

Definitely go to the head of year this needs stamping on.

I feel for you - awful - my sons whole friendship group turned on him and even worse targeted our family with abuse and vandalised our property. This went on for ages - we pulled him out of school and put him in another one best thing we ever did - he used to focus totally on what other people where doing - but now at 19 he is mature, independent and a bit or a lone Wolf. It’s terrible when you are in it and don’t know what to do for the best - but the situation will change and people will move on - eventually- good luck - in my opinion the restorative justice nonsense does not work at all - can make it worse 😢

You need to find out who the ring leader is if possible. Do you know? Read this book, it’s very helpful and a really useful tool for you: ebay.us/m/QacZWr

The school must be involved. It's not going to be resolved otherwise. I feel for your son because at this age social groups are such a big deal, so the last thing he wants to do is be ostrasized, but unless the school shows that this behavior cannot be tollerated, it will only get worse. Also good to involve the school from the point of view that if you try to tackle the parents by yourselves, the situation could turn into a mud slingling, he-said-she-said almighty row, and there is the issue of GDPR. School needs to take the lead. Speak to the head of year; include the form teacher in emails but HoY needs to take the lead on this.

Absolutely speak to the school, the form teacher and Head of Year (HOY), these are the key people you need, but feel free to ask the Head also. They will then feed back to his teachers.

Schools have experience to deal with these things and can be discreet.

sometimes just moving his or bullies seats, but usually involves a teacher with a bit of clout and respect to talk to said children and sometimes pull the two sides together to mediate. This sounds weird but often gets good results. The staff will be supportive of your child. If things do deteriorate they can offer to change forms but often a last resort as simply start of Yr10 they all mix up anyway.

Sadly often old friends can be the worst.

wish him good luck, he is NOT alone, staff will be alert to anything and it does get better.

As a teacher and a mum, speak to the teacher 100%. It’s unfortunately very common for a child to not want to get found out ‘telling’ and the teacher will be discreet in dealing with it. Likelihood is the teacher has noticed anyway, has probably told them to ‘be quiet’ but not dealt with the ongoing issue. Definitely speak to the teacher.

This is Y9 so he’ll have different teachers for each subject. It needs to be dealt with by his Head of Year and/or a senior member of staff. Then the classroom teachers can be alerted to it, and adapt their seating plans/keep an eye on things accordingly. There’s also the issue of break and lunchtimes too. Hopefully he has friends to stick with him.

OP do you live in a crap area?
Is this a crap school? Sounds like it from the description of the other kids you have given.

Can you afford private or get him into a grammar school?

Your husband in the army? - you can get a discount at some private and public schools.

If it must be a state school - look for one that has a heavy Jewish, Chinese, Indian student intake - education will be valued there. Your child will not be bullied for not being an idiot like his current jealous pathetic classmates.

Any religious Christian schools you can send him to?

If there is a Sikh school nearby, they take non Sikh children - get him into that.

I would never send my child to a religious school - but that’s my hang up!

I do agree with getting the head of year and form teacher involved before considering moving schools - we had an issue in late primary and the school sorted it out. Speaking to the parents involved did not help in our case - they went on the defensive and stopped speaking to me! Schools need to get a handle on this type of behaviour, and unfortunately some are better than others. I also second some self defence training and time with proper friends to boost his confidence. My daughter will never let anyone treat her like that again, it really helped her to learn how to deal with bullies - as awful as it was at the time.

A great life skill is not giving a shit what others think or say about you because you believe in your own self worth and values. It’s truly so freeing and can start (and should) at a very young age.
Your son needs to believe all the great qualities he has discuss them and celebrate how well he’s doing, learn to ignore the negativity as he is probably only being picked on as others are jealous of him thriving. If he understands this their words hold no power and meaning.
It takes time but empowering him to believe in himself now will free him from a life time of worrying what people are thinking / saying.

This works so well for my kids. I would also discreetly flag any ongoing concerns with the school to monitor.

Good luck.

As a parent it is gut wrenching isn't it ? In my son's case it was also physical but subtle. Like a punch in the arm that left bruises . I wanted to go in full force but he begged me not to . Ironically he won an award for most books read but it was because he took refuge in the library. It is such a horrible insidious thing and means my son has no happy schoolday memories 💔. Some had previously been friends in primary too , including our neighbour.
I really hope some of the above advice works for you. My son really appreciated the fact that we took it seriously and assured him it was nothing to do with him as a person.

I've never been unlucky enough to be in either his or your situation. You must be so stressed and worried for him.
While I'm sure lots of people mean well in terms of reporting it I feel you are right to think this won't help.
Consider how you would react if you were being bullied in the office or at your workplace? You would leave wouldn't you? I realise leaving isn't always possible but the frustration of not being able to do anything about it will also in itself be painful for him. I sure have left work due to bullying that I was furious about but unable to find a tactic that worked.
I guess keep that communication open with him. Make sure he has a safe outlet. Try teaching him grey rock tactics. Try teaching him to punch them in the nose if there's an identifiable ringleader he can frighten. Give him every idea you can think of to try and support him if he gets into trouble. But if nothing works he should absolutely be able to leave.

Happened to be in my state shitty school because I was a good student (eager to learn and had good grades). DS2 is the same and hyper sensitive so put him in private school for secondary as state is rough here.

Private schools have bullying too.

Thank you all so much for your responses. They are all so helpful. We spoke to him last night and I have drafted an email to send to his head teacher and head of year explaining the situation. If my son is happy with it we will send it tonight. I am asking for their advice, based on experience, ensuring my son has someone to go to if this situation escalates. I am also letting them know that at this stage he does not wish to name names for the reason that he does not want to add fuel to the fire, and risk increased taunts and isolation. Part of the issue is that he is very mature and does well academically. He told us last night that he would prefer to sit alone at lunch to avoid their disruptive behaviour and avoid the bullying. I will speak to school so that they can monitor him. Then they may end up realising who the culprits are without him having to actually name them.

Phone them and speak to the head of year. This will be much more effective than an email.

If you name the children but say he doesn’t want them to know he has named them, they will be more alert and aware. They probably already have suspicions, they may offer him a safe haven for lunchtimes until he feels prepared to be out there again.

Exactly and also pastoral. Going to the head is a bit overegging and they are only going to pass it down. Head of year and pastoral. Things can get done without the head.