My child is being bullied by a Neurodiverse child! Help!

[Shellfoho]

Looking for advice! My child and a couple of his friends are being bullied by a Neurodiverse child in his class, we have discussed this with the school, their response seems to be just too explain to my child that some people's brain work differently! Although we both understand that, this child is being physically abusive towards my child and the school do not seem to be doing anything to stop this! Can anyone offer suggestions on how to deal with this without coming across as insensitive? Thanks in advance xx

There isn't one.

So far as the OP is concerned, she needs to do exactly as she has been advised on here: keep repeating that this is a safeguarding issue and that her concern is the welfare of her child.

I've said elsewhere: it's the "pushy" [aka assertive] parent who gets results.

Have seen you comment before on school-related threads and speak a lot of sense. Lots of teacher wisdom, even if you are auld and weary now. 😄

I agree that she (and anyone else in this situation) needs to be a PITA to see any change.

This is very overused buzz word speak though "support to facilitate" "support to change the behaviour" "support the process". This talk all sounds absolutely ace written on an action plan. But when you sit down and think about it : what does it even mean? does anyone even know what it means ? Let alone be able to deliver said "support".

"support" is just a lip service word. In reality it's not working well is it ?

Thank you.

I tried to bite my tongue* on this one since the last time I was accused of being a fraud with zero knowledge of child development...

*I know. Can't help myself...

🙄

We didn't have TAs in my primary unless there was a SEN kid in the class. We learned just fine.

@WearyAuldWummanyour insights are really interesting and valuable! Thanks so much for sharing your POV

a school has a duty of care to ALL children
your child has the right to feel safe in school
this needs addressing do not accept any excuses of why your child has to be tolerant of the bullying child

@Chilliflakesontunai totally agree with everything you say. I really believe of course a lot of SEN parents have it bloody hard and do a great job! But I would love to see a study that looks at behaviour patterns (for SEN and non SEN children) whose parents give their children limited or not much quality attention! I’m no way a perfect parent, but I like to think I’m present.

this isn’t cool. You clearly haven’t experienced more severe special needs. You can’t say that because you haven’t seen something it doesn’t exist. You’ll see from my posts here that I don’t believe this child in OP’s case should be in school because he’s a danger to other kids. I also agree that parents can be the problem (for kids with disabilities or without!). But there are certainly kids who have not got control of their temper and some who may be unlikely to ever have control of their temper. This has nothing to do with their parents. And their parents can work themselves to the bone trying to help them.

The issue is really that people are pushing for them to “get an education” and neglecting to accept that they need more help - often because they ‘look normal’. If a kid is obviously physically disabled, it is accepted their parents may need to be full time carers and homeschool. In the case of neurological disabilities, often the physical capability of the child is a red herring

These SEN children need to learn they can't beat the shit out of another person.

Why?

Because eventually they will be criminally liable and the sympathy and tolerance will evaporate. And they will just end up in prison.

The more we enable and excuse behaviour, the more, not less likely this is. That's not inclusion. That's setting up these kids for a life of exclusive and removal from society. And it harms more kids along the way who are much less likely to be tolerant as a result.

My son has his own additional needs. He does not behave like this. It's an excuse for far to many parents and schools to hide behind.

After we had this exact issue of violence in the classroom I have lost patience with 'be kind' because it's not kind at all. It's an abdication of responsibility to all.

Inclusion means considering all and all being equal. Inclusion does not mean enabling little Johnny to punch Freddie every day.

@devonshiregalwe can’t always tip toe around this though. Why should anyone have to put up with physical abuse (from SEN or non SEN children) if a child has that severe special needs that they have such severe violent outburst, which impact other children they should not be in mainstream school.

Yeah I agree.

Our local school had lifts and ramps installed so that a child ‘with no legs’ could attend.

This post above 👆 is the very definition of ableism and bigotry.

OP you’ve had some good advice on the thread. Ignore the bile from the above poster.

There is support that can move a chikd with poor emotional regulation to one with good regulation. But it costs money and professional input and often a period of time where they are learning and don't get it right all the time. I have seen many a child transform in the right setting and right therapy. (Not all)

I have no idea if any of that is going on in the background, I suspect not due to funding and lack of professionals. But it wouldn't be shareable anyway.

For op, the phrase I use is 'it's my job to advocate for me child, what are you doing to support my child with this' and be relentless. I would ask if they could have different zones in the playground for a start. As others say it's not kind to let your child get punched, but it's actually also not kind to keep putting the other child in a situation they can't cope with anyway.

this is insane. How is it ableist to say you can’t always accommodate people. My school building was over 200 years old, listed and there was no way to get a lift in. Yes my friend who couldn’t walk could have come and only had lessons in the two rooms downstairs but she didn’t want to because she’d have felt left out so went to a different school which was one level. It was a practical choice. Though my school made it very clear she was absolutely welcome and wanted there and they would accompany as best they can.

And you can ‘’ no legs but some people have ‘no legs’. That is not a slur and it’s actually ableist for you to suggest it is.

I’ve been in this situation in the past- my child was bullied and physically assaulted by much bigger ND child. It came to the point that my child was hunted down on a daily basis by ND child. I have fought hard to protect my child whose mental health badly deteriorated and at the end we had to change the schools in the middle of Y4. We were forced to leave the school my child really loved , been there since nursery and had lovely friends in. The tipping point for me was the hard kicking in the stomach of my child and attempt to suffocate him by the bully. My child is quite robust but I realised how serious it was and I’d never forgive myself for keeping him there. No school worth it. The main message I got from school was that ND child needs are more important than neuro typical child needs . It’s unfair but it’s unspoken mainstream policy in the UK. The children are not treated equally and unfortunately school can’t keep your child safe in certain circumstances.

I agree.

People forget what "reasonable adjustments" mean. The clue is in the title : reasonable

Things like cost also have to be considered. Is it reasonable to install a lift shaft that costs tens of thousands in an old building for one child. You have to take the emotion out sometimes - the simple answer Is "no". Life is "not fair" sometimes and solutions have to be found for people with additional needs , but it can't always be exactly what the parent wants.

We tie ourselves into pretzels trying to accommodate minority and niche needs and then scratch our heads when it doesn't work.

Because that isn't how you run a society. You run a society for the needs of the majority - and make damn sure it is as accommodating and fair and free of discrimination as is possible for minorities. The balance is what you're looking for. The balance is what we've lost.

It's shouted down with "phobic" "ableist" "bigot" so people shut up and feel like they've got to put a hyperbolic disclaimer at the beginning of their messages, "I'm so so so supportive of SEN families, I really feel for them, I totally understand, I'm not saying I don't have sympathy, I really do, I know that parent has it so hard, I totally get they deserve education, but ..." Instead of just being able to state they're concerned about their own child's needs at the expense of that child. It's fear- they're terrified of being called an 'ist.

Then people secretly put an 'x' in the box on their voting paper for a party they wouldn't usually hoping that person may listen to the needs of the silent majority because nobody else seems to be. That's how it happens.

Just reading this thread as having a similar issue. Age 9 boy NT/behavioural issues constantly picking on/subjecting my 5yo to acts of violence (currently low level), destroying her things. I have used some of the responses in this thread in composing my most recent email to the school. I am documenting everything and will not hesitate to escalate the complaints process to this continue. The perpetrator clearly needs one-to-one supervision, obviously I don’t know how the school are going to manage that but I have stuck to the facts in my communications, centering my own child re my concerns… It is the school’s responsibility to deal with this.

I hope it doesn’t come to removing my child, but if anything more significant happens to her, or if it carries on, this is what I will have to do.

Yes, you absolutely have to centre your own child.

I don't think I'll ever be doing any more supply now, but a couple of years ago I went back to a school where I used to work as a young woman.

In one class there was a boy who had 'collected' pencils from various other classes and who sat obsessively sharpening them. (Yes, I did try to get him back on track.)

He was allowed to arrive late and leave early because he was ND. He had no support.

During the lesson, he proceeded to use the sharpened pencils as darts and to aim them at my legs. Yes, I did call for back-up. It came eventually. A depute spoke to the kid and left. The kid continued to use my legs as a dartboard.

When I spoke to the depute - someone whom I knew from a previous job - it was "Oh, he's on the spectrum."

"Yes, I understand that. So am I." [Not lying.]

I declined further work at the school. Turns out that there was a similar incident (with a different ND pupil) where a teacher was so badly hurt that the police were involved. I've no idea what the outcome of that was.

Sometimes the only answer is to vote with your feet.