Daughter always put next to badly behaved boys

[Curlywurly78]

I don’t know why my 8yr old daughter is constantly placed next to badly behaved boys. She gets bullied, humiliated by them and is just told to ignore them. What message are schools giving young girls??! They are teaching our young girls that it is them that need to find ways of tolerating bad male behaviour when in fact the boy themself needs directly tackling. It’s another school year and yet again my daughter is put next to a boy that says such vile things and yet other quiet, studious kids are put into ‘good tables’ and almost seem protected against the few bad eggs in the class. If anyone is a teacher out there - why is that?? My daughter limped through to the end of term last school year with a boy that constantly would not leave her alone and now we have him again on the same table and an even worse boy sat next to her.
very upsetting and I can’t sleep tonight feeling cross about it. The new teacher is avoiding speaking to me so will have to speak to headteacher.
im so concerned at what schools are directly and indirectly teaching our young girls. We wouldn’t advise a woman in a domestic abuse situation to just tolerate it and ignore would we?! We know that won’t solve the problem and the fundamental issue is with the boy/man. Arrghhhh!!! Sorry to vent, would love to hear other thoughts on this.

This happened with my daughter in junior school. She was always put next to one of the badly behaving boys and expected to make sure they had everything they needed and help them. She hadn’t mentioned this until it started to include spending break times with him as well. School weren’t helpful and his mother thought it was brilliant.
Girls shouldn’t have the expectation and responsibility of supervising boys but it doesn’t seem to improve

Glad you're taking it seriously, OP. I was frequently used for this purpose. A teacher even pulled me aside once and told me it was my 'job' to look after another child. For the rest of the year.

I found it incredibly stressful and spent much of the time in a constant state of anxiety that I'd be blamed for someone else's poor behaviour. No child should have to carry that responsibility.

It can happen for other needs. A friend of dds had anxiety late primary which was awful for her but it was only when I helped out on a trip that I realised my own and another girl were daily missing maths and PE to support this child. One email to the head fixed it - they knew it was wrong.

Felt for them though there’s no funding and the poor teacher trying to teach 27 other kids. Still my child is not a support worker and needed all the maths lessons she could get,

This was done to me in middle school, and it crushed my self esteem. The thing is I was not a good influence. I was quiet but not especially academic, and prone to daydreaming. Most of all the kids had zero respect for me, so they were never going to influenced by me. What happened was they had so much fun taking the piss out of me (quietly, so as not to be caught) that they did not disrupt the general class.
Incidentally, the one boy in my class with additional needs wasn't actually so bad. A bit unpredictable, with occasional violent outbursts, but still much preferable to the ones who enjoyed tearing me down.
Went to a girls high school, and life got better. Yes, girls can be bullies too, but in a whole class of girls it's less likely for the same poor sod to be singled out as the sacrificial victim all the time.

We had this at Primary and it was one of the reasons we went Private for Secondary (Comp not separated by set and I had heard that it was a common tactic there). DD hated it as she was very academic and was always put with kids who were the opposite for joint projects and either ended up doing all the work or getting lower marks than she was capable of
And yes, I am sure there were some benefits in her learning to help others, be a team player etc but she got pretty sick of it being the same very time. Also once she finished her work she was being asked to help other kids with their reading, again I know this may have been good for her too but she just found it all too much and hated it but both she and us would have preferred to be given extra work instead.
I trotted out the "helping others, you are lucky etc" line to her plenty of times until one of the boys she was asked to help stabbed her in the leg with a compass and I asked the teacher to stop doing it

We got told at a parents evening that Dd “needed to work on her patience when with those less able than herself”. She had complained about a lazy git in her group so she had had to do all the work while he cocked about. Not a message we bothered relaying to her. Dh isn’t known for patience with idiots either so she gets it from him.

the smart, well-behaved, often autistic girls are not buffers and they are not additional teachers.

that this happens over and over again shows how much it is about being willing to sacrifice the needs of girls.

push back as hard as necessary. Be prepared to do it again because if you have the type of child teacher’s like to use for this, it will happen again.

So glad to find this thread, the exact thing has happened to my DD8, another child had already complained about this boy (he does have SEN) so the teacher moved him next to my well behaved child. I do have massive sympathy for the teacher in managing him but my DD has had a tough time settling into school and I don't want anything putting her off now she's finally settled. She's also a bit behind academically (she tries really hard though) and I don't think this will help but equally she will probably keep him in check a bit. I am just currently keeping an eye on things

So many girls being sacrificed on the altar of patriarchy and male entitlement at such a young age.

I mean WTF are those schools teaching them - that they have to be emotional support humans to badly behaved boys?

Well sod that.

My kids were put into this situation too so I complained and had them moved. Personally I think that they pick the quiet kids who are least likely to complain to their parents and hope for the best. Once the teachers knew that I knew, they always moved my child as they had done more than their fair share of tolerating this situation.

Wonder if this is secretly behind the anti grammar, anti private school stuff ... much cheaper not to have to provide proper support if you "use" an army of compliant, capable girls as de facto learning support.

Spot on.

So interesting that you add autistic into the mix - I’m starting to wonder about my DD and if she’s more affected by the behaviour of others because it seems so illogical to her…
@Curlywurly78 email back from the teacher, she’s moved DD to sit elsewhere so hopefully that will help. I’m pretty happy with the speed of the intervention so we’ll see how we get on. Hope you get positive outcomes too

"My child is not your learning support or behaviour management strategy". And repeat.

Interesting thread. My heart goes out to all the little girls struggling with this, my own lovely little daughter who is shy and rule-following and my own inner child who was scared of the loud boys.
I don't want to generalise at all but what some parents don't realise is their precious boys who aren't bullies but simply "loud" or "extrovert" have still absorbed that girls' needs are less important and disrupting the class or generally being loud, intimidating and ultimately violent (dismissed as boys being boys) is their right, despite making girls uncomfortable. Girls are taught to make space and to be understanding and empathetic when there isn't that expectation on boys in the same way. Then we wonder why there's a epidemic of sexual violence in schools :/

The quiet, well-behaved boys get lumbered with this too😟
DS was one of the oldest in his primary class and academically very able. Was consistently put next to a boy who was silly, disruptive and destructive too! DS had his jumper cut and glued over, his glasses broken several times and he was expected to listen to this other child read as DS was already a fluent reader.
There was absolutely no concern for DS's own well-being or learning!
It was one of the 'final straws' which led us to move him into the independent sector (but I know that's not an option for most people).

Happened to me as a child and happens to my DC now. Teachers should be nipping the bad behaviour in the bud. Parents should be made accountable for their delinquent spawn (SEN aside, obviously).

And if there are no spare desks?

“Clear punishments and suspensions” is something that’s out of the control of your average classroom teacher; that’s an SLT decision. So what should the teacher do in the meantime?

As a parent of a delinquent spawn, the problem is that a lot of it does stem from SEN. DS (7) has just been diagnosed with ADHD, and we and the school are trying to manage his behaviour and lack of attention as best we can. Traditional punishments don't work, perhaps because he doesn't even know why he behaves as he does.

That said, I agree his issues (and those of a few others in his class) are not the responsibility of the well- behaved children to manage. I am aware he has been moved to sit next to a girl who is well behaved, and I fully intend to check in with her mother to make sure her daughter is happy with this arrangement and not just putting up with it.

I have seen both sides of this problem as my older child was in a class with one badly behaved girl. DD didn't suffer too badly, but I remember one of the other mums complaining that her daughter was constantly put next to her so she would behave better and ended up black and blue from pinching, hitting etc. She complained at least but her daughter left in the end anyway and I am not sure whether that was part of the reason.

Managing behaviour in a class of 30 is no easy task and I really don't envy teachers.

The squeaky wheel gets the most oil.

I'm guessing that the nice children who don't have to put up with this shit have parents who would make the teacher's life hell if their little darling was chosen to neutralise the disruptive boys.

I’m a teacher and we often do it to try and bring out the best in the child who isn’t behaving the best but if you told me she was being bullied I’d move her

you use your quiet compliant girls to do your job? and you can't spot when those lovely boys are bullies? Glad you're not my child's teacher

I made sure our teachers know that my lovely daughter WILL NOT SIT WITH THEIR BAD BOYS and I am having none of it.

Write to the head:

My daughter is not a classroom management tool. She has a right to be educated to the best of her ability, she cannot do that if she is being constantly interrupted by disruptive boys. This use of girls to control the behaviour, teaches all girls, that they are responsible for the behaviour of boys, that they should meet the needs of other people, rather than explore their own education. This is one of the reasons that women find themselves in lower paid, caring roles and not pursuing roles where their voices are heard, which pay more. This practice is teaching girls that they are less than boys, that they don't deserve the same share of voice as boys, that their needs are less important.

i had this at school - my best friend and i were sat next to the naughty boys. The first time my desk partner tried messing with me i told him I'd slam his fingers in the desk and break them. And not to bother telling the teacher i'd said that, because of the two of us, i was the one who would be believed if i denied it.

My friend wasn't so lucky and after a few weeks of problems, stabbed her lad in the leg with a sharpened pencil.

it is often said that boys do better in mixed classes but boys do better in single sex classes. Strange, eh?

Oh no. Please don’t use good children as ‘buffer zones’! My DD was no angel but if I thought she was being used for classroom management, I’d be in to see you and the head, very fast indeed.