How can I help my daughter who is being ridiculed

[loulou1979]

I have a 14 year old daughter in secondary school, UK. The boys in her year group (loads of them) have been saying vile things to her on and off over the past year. They call her ugly, say urgh when she’s near etc. My daughter is very pretty (I know I am biased!) and quite shy and I think they’re being vile because they know she’ll be visibly upset by it and is too shy to defend herself. I’ve told the school about it several times but I think most of it doesn’t get noticed. My daughter is now avoiding lessons, getting in trouble for purposefully being late/skipping class and it’s affecting her mental heath. Where my daughter has given me a name of one of the boys I’ve informed the school but that made no difference. She won’t tell me the names of the other boys, she doesn’t want to draw attention to it in case that makes it worse. School have arranged counselling for her and I talk to her about this and other stuff she’s struggling with, I try to suggest responses she could try, I explain to her what they’re saying is how they feel about themselves, but it’s not enough. I hate to see her so upset. It sounds like its a large proportion of the boys in her year behaving like this and I think the school should be educating them about why kids bully and what it says about them. But my daughter is adamant she doesn’t want me contacting school again and I don’t want to make things even worse for her. Has anyone been in a similar situation with your child and if so how did you approach it? I went through something very similar at the same age and it broke me - I can see the same happening with my daughter but I don’t know how to break the cycle

A year?

Would you have gone I go work for a whole year if you were treated this way?

No of course not.

Why let your daughter endure a year of it?

If the school won't take action, removed her from the school.

You need to either withdraw her or change schools, urgently.

You're never going to be able to stop all those boys from bullying her, there are too many.

Please take her out of this situation before her mental health reaches rock bottom.

I think, sadly, bullying is normalised because it's in a school setting.

If you were being treated like this at work and management refused to do anything, you'd simply up and leave. Your daughter doesn't have that luxury, so you need to protect her and remove her from the situation.

Yes, the school should be sorting this, but the fact is they're not.

She's 14. You can't let her endure another 2 years of this at school (and probably out of school on social media). It could do lasting damage to her metal health and education.

I’d find an all girls school and move her there.

I think you should move her to a different school

Bullies pick on perceived weaknesses and it's nigh on impossible to stop them once they've found a target, so I agree with other posters that it would help to move schools. But she should also get counselling, or it will just happen again at the next school.

counselling and move schools (preferably all girls).

Your poor daughter, OP 😥

I agree with the previous posters. You have to remove her from the school. I was bullied terribly in school over my appearance and it has absolutely ruined my life. I suffered from depression and an eating disorder as a result and I still have such low self-esteem that it continues to affect my relationships and even my career. I was so desperately unhappy in school and can never understand why my mum didn’t let me change schools. She wanted to just do one school run (all siblings in same school) but I was so utterly miserable and the bullying really has had lifelong consequences.

I hope your daughter will have the chance I never had to start afresh somewhere else and rebuild her self-confidence.

I'd withdraw her from school if it doesn't stop and the school are doing nothing..
Her mental health is so much more important in the long run, than school is right now.
If she's already skipping lessons this will only get worse.. you don't want her to be so traumatised that she disengaged from education forever.
Remove her and find a more suitable school place.. or homeschool her.
Don't let her go through this. She could have life long mental health issues due to this.

I think looking at moving schools might be the best option long term.
Have you discussed this option with your daughter? I can understand why she doesn’t want you to contact school about it again. However, I don’t think she’s the best placed to decide what’s in her best interests.

It’s a normal and common reaction to think the problem will get worse if you contact the school again. I think I’d level with your daughter that you’re going to have to take her out of the school or there needs to be upping the ante with the school.

In my experience schools are useless about dealing with bullying. You also get nowhere being reasonable with them. How ridiculous that nobody is addressing the cause of why your daughter is skipping lessons/arriving late. Have you made the point to the Head of Year (or whatever daft title they undoubtedly have for them these days) why she’s feeling the need to do this?

In my experience you’ve got to be a permanent thorn in the side of the senior leadership team at a school. How far/high up have you taken this issue of the school’s inaction over the bullying out of interest? As well as that has your daughter recorded examples of the bullying?
You probably could go through the school’s complaints process and there are options beyond that. There is some good info on the Anti Bullying Alliance website here https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/making-complaint-about-bullying#:~:text=Contact%20the%20local%20authority.&text=Bullying%20is%20a%20child%20protection,must%20take%20your%20concerns%20seriously.

Your poor daughter. I was bullied in a similar way and like a previous poster says - it has affected my whole life. However you deal with the immediate problem - you sound a loving and caring parent and I’m sure you will! - I’d like to echo the advice of @JulianAssangesCat to please get her counselling and advice. For some reason, I was seen as a target too (yes I was quiet, and never answered back etc), and even though I did move schools, it happened again. If I had been helped with strategies and professional support, I’m sure I’d have dealt with it better. On the other hand, I know of someone in a similar situation - bullied relentlessly for being ‘uncool’, studious, wearing specs etc (this happened at two different schools), whose parents offered to remove him and send him to a ‘nice’ private school. He said no, and found a way of surrounding himself with a group of friends who enjoyed each others’ company. He joined a band, got into drama etc. He shut out the bullies who left him alone and, hats off to him, became sort of cool, confident and happy and ended up being voted head boy by the pupils. So it can turn around. Sending love and I hope this is helpful. Xx

Hey, another person here who was bullied in the same way at school. I was at a ‘nice’ private school.

just to say I never felt I had anyone on my side, and never told my parents, so well done for listening to her and giving her the space to be able to talk to you about it.

Presumably the school has arranged counselling because she won’t name the bullies? That might help but it’s not going to sort it. I think the school has to be a bit more proactive.
If she wants to move I’d move her. And how about some self defence classes.

Assuming she is in Y9, I would move her this summer, ready to start GCSE's at a new school.
Otherwise you are lining her up for another 2 years of this, and limiting your options further.
It sounds like you have done pretty much everything you can, other than stage a sit in at school til things are resolved, and I'm not sure that is advisable!!!!

Change school if you can.
But you need to help her build that self confidence and strength, because they actually say to each other rather nasty things at times.
It is likely this behaviour is encouraged by a boy or boys who really fancy her, but hate the power she has over them. Teach her to just say, "Yeah, I feel the same about you lot", "the feeling is mutual" or other (I am sure MN can come up with great answers for this one!).

Because she won't name them, school. Ant do anything. If it were me, I'd look into changing schools. It's been a year, she's suffered a long time.

My children were bullied when younger (later discovered inattentive ADHD - bullying is more common for the ND unfortunately).

I sent them to a therapist who gave them the skills to do deal with it - for example - she taught them to develop an evil eye look that implied the bully was an idiot to make the bully feel small when they said something. The reason why she did this is that if a child calls a bully out with words a) its harder for the shy kids to do this but b) the bully will then need to save face infront of the others and will bully harder...but if its a look just directed at them then no one else sees it / you don't have the problem.

Also, body language is very important - if your daughter is understandably now looking frightened and holding her arms to her body when she walks around - she has shrunken her personal space. But holding her head up and swinging her arms naturally when she walks will make her look more confident.

The therapist also asked them to choose three children at school and they talked about ways to improve their friendships with these three children.

I would go to the head of the school or a female senior figure for safe guarding - it must be horrific for your daughter.

If your daughter is saying she wants to change schools - then yes change her immediately. But my concern is that its very important for her to come out of this feeling good about herself - and if you can solve the bullying that in itself will make her feel empowered.

Also, she's already had her control being taken away from her by these bullies - I would not take her control away from her again by insisting she moves schools if she does not want to. It would also be giving her the message that boys treat her badly and the result is she has to give up and change her life to avoid them.

I'd be hauling the school over the coals about this. They ought to be taking it far more seriously. If you know how to contact the parents of the boys in question, I'd write them a polite but firm letter. Explain how their sons' behaviour is impacting your DDs mental health and disrupting her right to an education in a safe and non-toxic atmosphere. Remind them that teenagers are self harming or taking their own lives as a result of relentless psychological bullying and if it doesn't stop you'll be forced to take things further with the police and won't hesitate to name the boys publicly.

If you are concerned that this might make things worse for your DD you could do it anonymously, not naming her and not saying that you are the mother of the child in question. They could well be doing this to other girls anyway. Just say that you are a concerned adult, it has come to your attention that this is happening to a couple of girls and how badly they are being affected by it, and that their sons have been named as the boys responsible.

The school absolutely should have sorted this by now. Which is what you need to say to them in no uncertain terms. I found an email or letter copied into the year head, top management and governors put a rocket up their arses.

Sorry I should have added that I’ve suggested to my daughter countless times that we move her school. She says that will make it worse because then she’ll have no friends. She said if I move her school she’ll just refuse to go to it and that there isn’t a school where kids don’t behave like this sometimes so it’s pointless. I’ve researched other schools, suggested to her we go for a visit to another school just to see what it’s like before she rules it out. But she doesn’t want to leave her friends. She says she’ll be even sadder if I move her school.

Also homeschool is not an option, I’ve looked into it.

i don’t usually post on here so if someone could advise how I can edit my original post to add this I’d be grateful!

my daughter refuses to change schools and says if I take her from her friends it will make things so much worse. I did try saying that if things don’t improve we will move her anyway and she said then she would just refuse to go.

I don’t think your daughter can have it all ways sorry. There is no point her going to this school but not going to lessons. She does have friends at this school and wants to stay there so you need to be firm about taking proper action. Name all the boys, log all the incidents, complain complain complain to school and create merry hell with senior leadership, governors and Ofsted about their crappy response to bullying and misogyny.

I think that’s what my daughter wants to do, she’s building her friendship group and is adamant she doesn’t want to move school

So she can stand up to you and say she will refuse a new school? She needs to use that strength to stand up to the bullying.

I would have thought a distressed child would have jumped at the chance to change schools and get away from her tormentors.

I tried to get her counselling through nhs but they said it’s all moved into schools now. School offered @wellbeing sessions” when she started acting up and I had to kick up a fuss to get her the counselling. I took her to a private therapist too, my daughter did quite a few sessions but didn’t want to continue with it