How can I help my daughter who is being ridiculed

[loulou1979]

I have a 14 year old daughter in secondary school, UK. The boys in her year group (loads of them) have been saying vile things to her on and off over the past year. They call her ugly, say urgh when she’s near etc. My daughter is very pretty (I know I am biased!) and quite shy and I think they’re being vile because they know she’ll be visibly upset by it and is too shy to defend herself. I’ve told the school about it several times but I think most of it doesn’t get noticed. My daughter is now avoiding lessons, getting in trouble for purposefully being late/skipping class and it’s affecting her mental heath. Where my daughter has given me a name of one of the boys I’ve informed the school but that made no difference. She won’t tell me the names of the other boys, she doesn’t want to draw attention to it in case that makes it worse. School have arranged counselling for her and I talk to her about this and other stuff she’s struggling with, I try to suggest responses she could try, I explain to her what they’re saying is how they feel about themselves, but it’s not enough. I hate to see her so upset. It sounds like its a large proportion of the boys in her year behaving like this and I think the school should be educating them about why kids bully and what it says about them. But my daughter is adamant she doesn’t want me contacting school again and I don’t want to make things even worse for her. Has anyone been in a similar situation with your child and if so how did you approach it? I went through something very similar at the same age and it broke me - I can see the same happening with my daughter but I don’t know how to break the cycle

I agree, I’m finding it really hard to navigate this

Either complain loudly or move her, she's still a child..

What are her female friends doing while these boys are behaving like this?
Are they not rallying round her and shoutingthe boys down?

The school is being shockingly bad. Dds all girls school isn’t perfect but to be fair they come down really hard on bullying. There was an awful incident of an unkind event in dds year last week both perpetrators hauled over the coals made to apologise and suspended.

I understand why you don't want to move her. I didn't move my DD in similar circumstances and it was the worst mistake I've ever made. I offered DD private school or to change to her cousins school and she refused telling me it would be worse for her there so I gave in and fought for the school to sort it (they never did).

She ended up falling in with a very bad crowd at school to escape the bullying and it culminated in one of them raping her. The school still did not intervene because DD didn't feel able to go to the police and according to the school it was a police matter and her word against his. She never went back to school and wasn't well enough after that to homeschool.

She's now 21 and barely leaves her bedroom because of her anxiety and depression.

I would move your DD whether she wants it or not before it does irreparable damage to her mental health.

I was bullied at school by the students and teachers.
It got so bad I walked out at 14 and never went back.
It left me with trauma.
Still today I can't stand school and I'm not keen on teachers and I hate bullies in any shape or form.
I see schools as prison but you get parole at the end of the day.
No advice on what you can do but I know what you're daughter feels like.

Nice bit of victim blaming!

Why wouldn't she defend herself to keep her friends? Her support network.

Saying no to your mother is a hell of a lot different to bullying. Think of adults in their workplace experiencing bullying.

So sorry to hear what your daughter is going through and how painful it must be for you. I too was bullied and refused to move schools (it was an all girls private school). My mother was desperate for me to relocate but, just like your daughter, I feared it would be even worse elsewhere where friendships were already established- plus I’m stubborn. Some teachers also took it out on me as they hated my (foreign) mother (I found this out from a friend whose mother happened to teach there - she wasn’t one of the bullying teachers). I wholeheartedly regret not relocating as, like others, it affected my whole life and definitely contributed to recurrent bouts of depression and low self-esteem. I later found out that 2 other (slightly younger) girls also hated that school and regretted not leaving and felt paralysed by the situation. It was a snobby school that rewarded the already-confident and sporty.
Might your daughter be able to make friends by being encouraged to join some independent activity clubs or similar where she could make friends with those from other schools? Maybe something non-competitive like ceramics? That might encourage her to think there’s the possibility of a nice school life elsewhere…like others I’d advocate doing all you can to change schools but appreciate how difficult that is. And it sounds like her current school are failing her massively.

My DD was being bullied and was adamant that I mustn't say anything... I held my peace for a week and when it didn't stop I rang school and told them it needed to stop NOW. The bully was reprimanded and peace was restored.

Don't let your DD tell you want you can and can't do. Sometimes you have to be the adult and take the lead to get it sorted.

Do her friends stick up for her?

If she won’t move schools you need to hassle the school until they tell you what they are doing about it. Your dd may not want you to contact the school but her choice is move or challenge.

Things you can do:

Tell the school governors that there's a serious problem here and they need to address bullying.

Give your daughter more slack on days off than you might otherwise do.

Would she be up for taking a look at alternative schools if you promise she can stay where she is if she still wants to?

Find a friendly, inclusive group she can join. Martial arts? Is there a woodcraft folk near you for that age? Or a kids' book group? Or a drama club? Something where there' no pressure to be cool or hot.

She probably doesn’t want to move because transitions and changes are scary! Sometimes as a parent you have to make the decision for your child. The bullying is going to have a long term impact on her. As the bullying is ongoing, counselling is not going to make a difference. What are the goals of the therapeutic space anyway? To make her less anxious, sad? These feelings are a normal response to being bullied and she isn’t going to feel any less of these feelings unless the bullying stops which isn't going to.

I'm sorry @loulou1979 but I don't think your DC should be making these choices-you need to advocate for her and do what is right.
Not leave her there to be bullied.
She should not be deciding-it is for you to do the right thing

You can get support and advice here -

https://www.kidscape.org.uk/