On my son's first day he was pushed on the ground

[Andr0meda]

We very recently moved to a new city and today it was my sons' first day at their new school. Both my boys are friendly, relatively shy and quiet. My youngest son who is nearly 8, was in afterschool today. They were playing a game and the boy (a year older than my son) who was supposed to have his eyes closed was cheating and pointing out to certain kids opening his eyes while he was not supposed to. My youngest son hates cheating and he moved the other boys' hand to point elsewhere. The other boy had a proper meltdown and started hitting my son and pushed him on the ground. My son started crying and the other boy called him a 'crybaby'. My son got angry and got up and hit him in his tummy, which made him start crying. Then the afterschool lead rushed to comfort the other boy and told my son off. When my husband picked him up, the woman told him that the other boy has severe sensory issues and our son is lucky not to be expelled by the afterschool because it was his first day. I am furious at this confrontation. Not only she didn't prewarn my son as the newest kid in the school to avoid touching the specific child, but also told him and my husband off like we are some sort of thugs? As my husband was questioning her illogical confrontation she was backing off and becoming defensive but I am furious. My son was sad and occasionally crying all afternoon. We are both working and we need the occasional afterschool. What do you advise?

Teach your son to not physically attack others?

What a horrible first day. No advice, but I can imagine how upsetting this incident has been to all concerned.

The teacher handled it poorly, they should have intervened much earlier because it seems like the incident escalated way more than it should have but she also shouldn’t need to tell your son in advance about another child’s sensory issues, your son shouldn’t touch another child. I know DS didn’t mean to upset the child and was trying to make everyone play by the rules but he does need to keep his hands to himself and try to verbalise it instead.

As my husband was questioning her illogical confrontation she was backing off and becoming defensive but I am furious.

How do you mean backing off? Physically moving back through intimidation?

You mean teach my son not to fight back when he is physically assaulted and mocked at?

This is the first time I hear that kids are not allowed to touch other kids. Aggression and hitting of course is not allowed. Not touching other kids on their hand is a bit absurd.

Except he didn't until after he was attacked

No, English is my third language so perhaps I am using the wrong words. She started to yake back some of her initial statements but not in an attempt to apologise, but because she handled it very poorly and she knew it. My husband is very polite and logical.

Your son did start it by touching the other boy and then retaliated when hit. It sounds like it was six if one and half a dozen of the other.

From what you say, your son provoked this child by pushing his hand away. It turned into a fight where your son also continued to assault the other child. I’m surprised hes not been excluded. And if your DH was aggressive enough to force the staff to have to back away I wouldnt be surprised if HE were banned from the premises!

If in your books touching is equal to throwing on the floor, hitting and be called a crybaby then what can I say.

Both your statements are inaccurate so not much added to the conversation.

Moving someone's hands isn't just touching. It is provocative. Your son also hit him back when hit.

Its not unusual for 8 year olds to move eachothers hands etc when playing, your DS can use this as a good learning opportunity not to though. Unfortunately much of the time behaviour management or incident prevention by schools is crap, the child's behaviour will always be excused as okay he can't help it even if this is violence towards others. It wasn't good that your DS retaliated and I'd expect some sort of punishment but threat of exclusion just because its his first day is harsh.

If you need to use after school club the I would carry on using it and support DS' learning at home by explaining that you don't touch others when playing and exploring some techniques to avoid escalation if he is in a situation where he wants to lash out.

From your take it is evident that your childred are fine to hit and intimidate kids if someone touches their hand. This is like nothing we experienced before thankfully so it is isolated to a problematic handling by an afterschool carer. I cannot believe that I have mothers telling me it's fine my 8 year old was thrown to the ground on his first day because he touched someone's hand.

No, I teach my kids not to hit back and to walk away and tell a teacher. I also teach them not to grab other people which is what moving someone's hand is. The other boy is obviously at fault too. However, your son also had a role to play in this situation.

Get a grip everyone. This kid moved his hand and was physically attacked and called names for going so. He then understandably retaliated.

He didn’t know this kid had issues, but this kid started it with a physical attack. The teacher should see that but she didn’t. She handled it extremely badly.

And can those saying the husband is a physically intimidating bully scaring teachers and should be banned from the premises, you need to get off Mumsnet for a bit. You’ve gone full stereotype.

But where do you draw the line with physical contact? If a kid has sensory issues and my son's hand let's say accidentally touches the other kid's hand when picking a crayon from a box, shall he start running and hide in the bathroom? Shall we teach our children to stay away from other kifs at all costs just in case they accidentally touch? Because this was a TOUCH. And even if it wasn't a provokation involved but just an accidental touch, since the other kid has 'severe sensory issues', the result would have been the same. My problem is that knowing my son very well he does not do the 'frustrated hand push' that many of you might imagine. He is very gentle but also very righteous and I have to tell him to be careful and stay away from everybody just in case.

It sounds like it was badly handled by the after school club and regardless of the other boys actions he will be excused bullying behaviour because he has special needs. So if you send your son there he will be bullied by this boy. Find an alternative club and teach your son the lesson about integrating into new groups with care and without trying to assert your principles by using physical intervention.

Thank you so much, this is very supportive. I am a wreck since yesteday. I never had any situation with any of my kids so this is infuriating.

Your son Shouldn't have been hit, no one should be hitting. There are a couple of issues here

1. the child your son touched appears to have some kind of SEN which your son didn't know about and touching his hand caused a reaction. Your son couldn't have know about the SEN but he should have known that if someone is bothering you, get a teacher or move away from the situation.
2. your son was hit and name called, when he hit back he got blamed by the teacher. The teacher should have broken it up then asked everyone for their explanation rather than just reacting, but if she had seen your son hit and not seen the other boy hit then it was an easy mistake to make.

OP, you are missing the point.

Yes your son shouldn't have been thrown to the ground etc. And yes, the adult seems to have handled it very badly.

However, you are completely minimising your son's part in this. He didn't just "touch" the boy. He was policing the game, and by his actions he showed this boy that he understood he was peeking. This shamed the boy and triggered an aggressive response, (probably because he has a history of feeling shamed. Most kids like this do)

If he had just touched him in a friendly way in a different context it would not have had the same result.

The learning for your son does need to include that it's not up to him to be the rules monitor, and that if he suspects "cheating" he should first ask himself if it really matters, and second, ask an adult to intervene or at most, say something low key (I think you might be peeking!) . Unfortunately kids who police their classmates do tend to get unpleasant responses sometimes.

Makes sense. He learnt his lesson already. He was crying all evening at home. But he was also very sad that he was told off finding that this situation was unfair since the other kid was looked after and not told off. The funny thing is that I am disabled and it is possible for him to be on the spectrum, as he is quite quiet and does not like too much running around and noisy kids. If he was assessed before this altercation, we would end up disability vs disability. But he is not assessed (yet). Therefore you have afterschool carers who do noy consider how to talk and de-escalate situations unless if you carry the badge.

I haven't thought of this trigger for the other boy. You are right.

Interesting drip feed re possible spectrum condition.

I was wondering whether to say that this kind of class policing is common in autistic boys, it was an unusual thing to do on a first day in a situation where he didn't know the kids - socially successful kids would spend a few days "assessing the situation" before acting like your son did. It's like the rules were more important to him than anything else.