On my son's first day he was pushed on the ground

[Andr0meda]

We very recently moved to a new city and today it was my sons' first day at their new school. Both my boys are friendly, relatively shy and quiet. My youngest son who is nearly 8, was in afterschool today. They were playing a game and the boy (a year older than my son) who was supposed to have his eyes closed was cheating and pointing out to certain kids opening his eyes while he was not supposed to. My youngest son hates cheating and he moved the other boys' hand to point elsewhere. The other boy had a proper meltdown and started hitting my son and pushed him on the ground. My son started crying and the other boy called him a 'crybaby'. My son got angry and got up and hit him in his tummy, which made him start crying. Then the afterschool lead rushed to comfort the other boy and told my son off. When my husband picked him up, the woman told him that the other boy has severe sensory issues and our son is lucky not to be expelled by the afterschool because it was his first day. I am furious at this confrontation. Not only she didn't prewarn my son as the newest kid in the school to avoid touching the specific child, but also told him and my husband off like we are some sort of thugs? As my husband was questioning her illogical confrontation she was backing off and becoming defensive but I am furious. My son was sad and occasionally crying all afternoon. We are both working and we need the occasional afterschool. What do you advise?

Why are you so 100% sure it was a light touch? If he moved a hand because he was frustrated it seems unlikely it was done with a smile on his face in a caring way? If he is frustrated or upset with how the game is being played he shouldn't physically intervene and should be talk to an adult.
If the adults there have reported what happened in a way that implies he could have been excluded why don't you believe he was at fault at all?
The other child may have over reacted but it sounds like your child instigated the fight by touching first (could it have actually been a push?)
Just don't use the club if you aren't happy and confident with the staff. I'm just always amazed adults are 100% confident as to what happened when their child wasn't there.

Really badly handled and obviously very upsetting for your son but listen to what people are saying about how your son needs to learn to deal with tricky situations without a) going to accusation in the first instance and b) physical contact at all. Stop minimising it.

Ok, he didn't go for the other boy or hurt him but touching people to make a point that they're in the wrong is provocative. Would you do it at work if you thought something had been done incorrectly?

I understand your instinct is to defend him but you're doing him no favours. Try to take a more balanced view. Make a complaint about the handling if necessary but accept your child had a role in this.

I know my son very well and I have seen him interacting multiple times with kids, including kids that were actually a bit physical with him. If course I will not use the club again. My question was what line of reporting/escalating to the school would people advise using. This is quite traumatic for my child.

Calm down, reassure your son, go in and talk about what happened calmly and see if you are happy they will manage things safely in the future.

The part of him touching the kid of course was dealt with asap when he arrived home. And we discussed that the other kid has sensory issues so it is not his fault he reacted like that. And my son totally understood. Do you expect my 8 year old to handle situations with the same maturity that I would handle it at work?

There is a number of issues to unpick here.

For a start you describe your boy as quiet and shy. It doesn't sound like he's like that in a group because he happily joined in a noisy game on day 1.

But the issues to unpick.

1. He was annoyed. By your own admittance he doesn't like people cheating. You need to teach him he cannot control others actions - only his own reactions to it. Yes - 8yo will use touch. But being annoyed means that touch wasn't natural social touch but rather an anointed movement if someone e,she's body parts and likely accompanied by some verbal expression of annoyance. You need to teach him to verbally express he doesn't like cheating and will play X instead and encourage others who don't like cheating to join him in an alternative game.

2. The other child. If he has such high needs he is likely to react so physically and verbally to anything he needs 1:1 support. He's in a setting where these sorts of interactions will occur frequently and it cannot be accepted that he can react with such violence and expect others won't respond. He should have been told his reaction both physically and verbally were unacceptable and he should be taught if he's touched when he doesn't like it to tell an adult. He should also be talked to about how cheating isn't ok.

3. Your sons final actions in punching the child in the stomach. This was a deliberate act and not self defence. Again - this wasn't ok. I'm not against hitting back but there's a difference between pushing off someone who is punching you and your description makes it sound like he punched him because he was being called names after being pushed over rather than fighting someone off who was physically hurting him.

From here on in I'd tell your ds to report anything that is done to him to both ASC leaders and yourselves. To not touch others because he doesn't like what they are doing and to find an alternative game.

But I agree with you that the clubs reaction has been disproportionate in the fact it's all been placed firmly on your DS. Nether child behaved acceptably.

It could just be that this boy has difficult parents and the club has learned to just take his side so they don't complain. People are only human and will take the easy route.

It would be better to teach your child to walk away from fights in any case OP and if you do decide to continue with after school club tell him to avoid this boy. If they are always going to side with him you can't change that.

Understood, but just to clarify he is not shy. He just doesn't like the very noisy and crazy running around games that kids usually like. This game was not parricularly crazy or noisy (and I don't think he had a choice as they had to be in that area together). He will participate in organised games. He will not participate in such games during the breaks though that are organised by other kids.

Yep, I don't (and he doesn't) want to continue with this afterschool but he will stay away from this kid wherever he is. That kid is a year older so it doesn't help if he starts looking for my son in the break time, but we discussed and he will go to his teacher if he is coming around harassing him. Him hitting back was already discussed last night in depth, and he said he got really angry when he called him a crybaby. We discussed that people will call him names and it's nothing he can control so he should just try to ingore such people/kids and talk to the teacher and us. I expect that it is common sense here that these things were dealt with after the incident.

You've put this in 'bullying'. It's a one off fight where both children have attacked each other and are at fault. Its not habitual and isn't because your son is seen as weak or vulnerable....It's not bullying.
Also you are saying things like your husband and son were spoken to like 'thugs' but you weren't even there. I think you need to take a deep breath and see how things go moving forward. I think you are seeing things in a very black and white way when actually there's a whole load of grey.

It's interesting to see though how this whole thread is shifted to focus on my child touching another child which for some is an assault, instead of keeping it focused on the real issue which I am trying to address: the afterschool club's inability to handle things in a safe for everyone and professional manner. They should have had the tools and knowledge to de-escalate and to communicate to all involved in a much more thoufhtful and professional way.

It's probably a case of them being out of their depth with how to manage his needs but wanting to keep the parents happy.

You asked for advice in an open forum, it’s inviting people to give an opinion. Many have acknowledged the teachers handled it poorly but have also explained your sons actions (although accidental) created a reaction.
Hopefully this was a one off and your son has better experiences moving forward, but if you feel that strongly about the poor management of the after school club then find an alternative.
Your husband spoke to the teachers so they know you’re dissatisfied, what do you expect them to do?

He didn't but he will talk today. The afterschool club personell is not consisting of the school teachers. I understand that I am frustrated and not thinking clearly, so hopefully this incident will be gradually washed away by time. The rest of the teachers and the actual classmates of both boys are fantastic so far. They already made friends and kids were eager to show them around and teach them the daily games etc. We met outside school hours with some of the kids and they were all playing great together.

Youre saying when the other child cheated he should have left the game and gone to get a teacher? This is ridiculous and most kids wont do that. The teacher would have said something like “aww thats unfortunate, why dont you go play something else?” And OPs son would be punished (not able to play anymore) because the other boy cheated. 🤷🏻‍♀️
It makes way more sense to call out the other boy and move his hand. This is a completely normal reaction. And if the other boy has sen and reacts so drastically to touching, then he should have been supervised more closely and the teacher should have intervened before it completely escalated.

That being said, you only have your sons side of the story and my 8 year old definitely leaves things out or changes things if it makes him look better.. so I would be very careful with what to believe.
Just move on, it might just be this one incident. I wouldnt take him out of care or anything drastic because of it.