My child has no friends

[Louise498]

My son started to get bullied by his two best friends around a year ago. The bullying has stopped, to a point, but he's been left alone with no friends. He's tried to join other kids at school but they too have "ditched" him and now hang around with his bullies and other lads who don't like him. I don't know how to help him. Is my child doing something wrong? These boys have given him the nickname "weirdo". He clearly doesnt fit in and I dont know how to make things better. I sometimes wonder whether he's not as mature and maybe thats not helping. I've spoken to school but they appear useless and a waste of time. He's going into year 6 next year and I'm concerned this is going to start having a huge impact on his confidence. Has anyone experienced this with their children and can give any advice?

Move him, wish I'd moved mine she's 14 and still miserable

Thank you all for replying with your thoughts and advice, it is very much appreciated. Our son has had a particularly bad day today, got to the car and he burst out crying. As someone said in this chat, I think there is definitely a hierarchy going on and our son is most certainly at the bottom.

Spoke to him about maybe having a look around other schools, he replied with "I just have one more year to do" broke my heart how he said it 💔

After the May half term he'll be starting some afterschool clubs, so let's hope something positive comes from that. I'll keep working on my husband for a school move, I really do think it would give him a chance to make mates away from these boys.

Oh @Louise498 your poor boy! I know that ‘only another year to go’ place so well. It becomes like a prison sentence and school should not ever be that. It could well be a move is the best option for him, but he will likely need support to get over this episode in his life because otherwise it can sit there in the memory as a shameful thing (even though it most certainly is not). I left a lot of schools and so, for me, it was a damaging pattern, but it took a long time for me to feel I had not ‘left under a cloud’. You would not expect adults in the workplace to stick at a job where this sort of thing was happening unchecked; I never understand why in children it’s somehow meant to be ‘normal behaviour’. Allowing kids to form cliques and terrorise one another is what leads to adult toxic workplaces.

@Louise498 Im so sorry poor babe, he sounds so sweet as well trying to reassure you almost that it’s only one more year.

So, to the blunt stuff : year 6 there would be an absolute no from me. I work with kids in care, as you will guess they are prone to bullying, and it’s one of my biggest roles (I’m not senior, I’m 32, so I have a more big sister role, that I take very seriously ; sadly that often includes they can’t change schools, but as I’ve been doing this for a while I’m allowed to interact with teachers, senco (not parents), and I always make it being very clear they are worth every second of it. Sometimes it turns out my own ones are causing as much or more trouble, but my responsibility is them, so we try to find solutions. Ive found class teachers for some a huge help, for some a huge hinder (in that case I hand over a lot to a more senior member), but my responsibility is still my own. If more severe like violence etc of course it’s a different pathway, it’s still about protecting mine, but of course others.

Another experience next would give you the (quite rare, if you can try to convince DH, I would 100% go for it) to see your son in different circumstances. This could be so helpful.

Wishing you the best

Apologies for my English, the move to England is relatively recent (almost 2 years, but in this field it’s nothing, despite being from a close Western European country). But really once you learn the damn long paperwork, the children are the same, bless them

And yes I’d encourage extra curriculars, rather quickly to be honest, depending on which, or he’ll be stuck in the too old for younger kids, too inexperienced for older ones

Try to draw on his strengths for choosing, LO needs confidence building right now

Best wishes

Let him know that even if it is 'just one more year' he doesn't have to endure it if he'd rather try out somewhere else. It's important to teach our children resilience but it's also important to teach them they have the power and freedom to leave a situation that is destroying them.

Are you in a grammar area? Are there academic private schools that offer full bursaries? He needs to understand that there are schools where not being sporty and being 'geeky' is totally normal and acceptable.

Meanwhile, indulge in every geek club activity you can find. Warhammer club, science summer schools, chess club, Lego club, music clubs if he plays an instrument, choral if he likes to sing. Ensure he understands that who he is and what sparks him is 100% normal. It may not be as common as being a sporty bully in the local school but that doesn't make him abnormal and it certainly does make him a more desirable human long term.

It's no comfort to them (but may be to you) that I think children have an in built sense of who will surpass them long term and they are jealous of it and can only express that jealousy through aggression. The brainier ones often get bullied. Or the lateral thinkers. The non-sheep. So many of the world's most successful people had no friends in primary school, few in secondary, good friends in uni and life long friends thereafter. The clans in primary school often find it works the other way round.

Childhood sucks for children who don't fit into the herd easily. Just keep letting him know he is 100% fine as he is. That they can't see that is their problem. That their judgement of him in no way defines who he is. He might not believe you at all right now, but he still needs to hear it from you with your total conviction.

Is it a really good school does he mix with other kids away from school sport teams etc. If so and he is happy let him stay if not move him. You would be surprised at how many kids get moved in year 6 !

My son was in year 5 when he was diagnosed with epilepsy and started having seizures at school. This led to him being made fun of, bullied and his two so called friends just dumped him and joined the group of bullying boys. School did nothing at all even after we constantly complained about the bullies. This affected him very badly so much so he could not cope with secondary school and is now home schooled and he has had no friends at all for 3 years as he has zero confidence around other kids. It’s heart breaking to have to see.

Nope. Live for the now. Move school.

This is heart breaking hoping he makes some friends soon.

I despise schools that don't properly tackle bullying. There is no excuse for it. Tackle it head on and you resolve so many issues further down the line. I am so so sorry for your son. I hope you can gradually integrate him into some social clubs and groups and build his confidence.

Please move him. One of my kids went through this type of thing, though probably not as bad. Something I didn’t really appreciate till my second child is how different classes/year groups can be.

My dc2 is a different personality but also seems to be in a much kinder more tolerant group of children. Much less sport/ football obsessed.

Could you visit other schools and perhaps get a feel for the atmosphere - what is the boy/girl mix, what do they tend to do at playtime, are there extra curricular clubs type things. It’s good you are looking at extra curricular activities. Could you try cubs/scouts - great forgoing active bug without the competitive element if team sports.

I am about to do 3 sessions with my DS with this coaching company.

https://www.happyconfidentkids.org.uk

I am sorry to hear what he is going through too

Your husband us wrong and speaking in cliches. Being traumatised doesn’t make you resilient.
I would look at sending him to a high school his friends aren’t going to. If he’s good at football, he shouldn’t give up because of these boys, just find another team.
Do you suspect he is different, perhaps neurodiverse, or do you think he’s just been unlucky?

Thank you all for your messages, it really does help hearing other people's experiences. I'm sorry to hear your children's struggles though, bullying is an awfully lonely experience and I hope your children are all doing ok now.

My son has no differences in the neurodiverse sense, and I think I'm realising from all your comments that he's actually been really unlucky with the children who just happen to be in his year!

I watched him in his sports day last week and he's a very good runner, actually completely outrun some of the not so nice kids. I think this has given him a little confidence and kinda an "up yours" to them as he ran past 🤣

I don't know what will happen school wise as he moves into high school, again, conflicted views from hubby. However, you have all given me loads of tips on the things we can control - I.e sports clubs etc. He'll definitely be joining some, possibly another football club too.