My child has no friends

[Louise498]

My son started to get bullied by his two best friends around a year ago. The bullying has stopped, to a point, but he's been left alone with no friends. He's tried to join other kids at school but they too have "ditched" him and now hang around with his bullies and other lads who don't like him. I don't know how to help him. Is my child doing something wrong? These boys have given him the nickname "weirdo". He clearly doesnt fit in and I dont know how to make things better. I sometimes wonder whether he's not as mature and maybe thats not helping. I've spoken to school but they appear useless and a waste of time. He's going into year 6 next year and I'm concerned this is going to start having a huge impact on his confidence. Has anyone experienced this with their children and can give any advice?

Obviously a horrible spirit of bullying has got into that class and it's never going to improve for your ds. He had friends, he plays sports etc so it's nothing he is doing it's those awful bullies with parents who don't care.
I am a teacher and have seen students come into our school after being bullied elsewhere and they have got on great once they left that atmosphere. He must move. Kids are in school 5 or 6 hours a day. It's too long to be miserable. Start looking at other schools.

Turn the hose on those little shits if they do that again.

Your poor boy. Yes, move him if you can.

100% move him
We have had plenty of new year 5's start for this reason as parents want their child to enjoy their last year or so of primary.

Build resilience my arse, your poor son being thrown into the lions' den every day. Does your dh not realise how bad the situation is for him?

I was also this kid. Though moving schools never occurred to me. I developed strategies to cope with being on my own. Looking back I can't believe how bad it was. Don't think anyone actually realised because I deliberately isolated my self. So it didn't hurt as much.

I had very similar with two of my kids in year 7. We considered moving schools but didn’t and are so glad we didn’t now.

One DC didn’t want to move school as he said if it happened again it would confirm that it was him and not the bullies. I could see the logic and the risk in that.

For both of them we went all out on clubs and activities inside and outside of school. One got massively into drama outside of school with a local club and found new friends through this which gave him the confidence to do the same at school. He really found his place and still loves the outside drama and all his friends there too.

The other joined lunch clubs in all sorts like chess and science and reading and a nature thing and slowly found new people to chat with and from other years too which helped. Once she stopped trying to talk to the bullies they ramped it up for a bit and really goaded her but soon lost interested as she was no longer wandering around lonely and as a target at lunch as she was busy doing the clubs. It took a year to be fully ok but she wasn’t desperately unhappy in that time just didn’t have a close group but that came in time.

I honestly don’t know many people who haven’t faced similar either themselves or with their kids. The bullying by people who you thought were friends is the worst and yet so common. I had this at school and it was horrific for a bit.

The key is definitely to stop trying to be their friend. Don’t give them power. Try your hardest to be occupied with other things and don’t engage with them. It winds them up for a bit then they move on. Fostering friendships out of school helps to reassure the child that they are friend material.

I really feel for you and your DS.

Move him to a different school. Help him find new activities outside school to help him build his confidence.

Your husband reaction is really appalling by the way. I would be seriously angry at his complete lack of empathy and support for his son...

Fuck off husband. He would.leave a job if his colleagues were all assholes to him, he wouldnt hang around to develop his resilience.
Save your kid.

Start the moving process, so he might get a chance to meet the new kids this side of year 6 and then in September start the year properly.

I moved my son it was around the June of y5 and was the best thing I’ve ever done, despite being very worried about the change. He made so many new friends and his confidence came on in leaps and bounds. I had lots of contact with the new teacher and pastoral before he started and in the first few weeks, they were all wonderful. I also signed him up to lots of their after school clubs to help him get to know the other kids. My worries about it being too much of a change were unfounded.

Move

Please consider this.
My child was labelled weird in yr 6 *she has asd and adhd and is more immature because she's also one of the youngest too.
I sent her to the secondary where they all went ( she wanted this).and up until now still hasn't found any friends, who have stuck around.
She is starting a new school this week after begging me for so long for a fresh start.
We really did try but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will work.

Takes years to teach resilience and tbh some kids are just more sensitive.
Teach him to be himself.

I hope my now 11 yr old finds her people and hope yours does too

How are things now @Louise498 ? Have you come to any decision yet

@luckyladygal things are about the same, however, our son has started to hang around with another lad at dinner and he has seemed a bit better going in school. My husband still won't budge on the change in schools, caused a lot of arguments over the whole thing 😫 so thought I'd get proactive and get our son more involved in activities outside of school (he's up for it so no forcing him) hoping he'll get to meet some nice kids through that instead. Thanks for checking in 🙂

Glad to hear things are a bit better and you're doing your best to help the situation as best as you can. All you can do is see how things go

Is he of an age where he could naturally move? Say from Y6 to 7? And move to a school without the others who are making his life a misery?

Moving schools is not necessarily great. I had to move my daughter twice - once between Y4 and 5 and once between Y11 and 12 - both times because of house moves and situations that were unavoidable. She found it very disruptive although she did settle down and make friends both times, but she held a grudge about it for years until we finally talked about it and she was adult and could understand why it was simply not possible for her to stay in the previous school.

Couldn't read and run. Move schools. Happened to our DC in Y4 and we moved start of Y5. Best thing ever. I got my child back. The idea bullying builds resilience is absolute codswallop. It does no such thing.

Also, can you look at out of school stuff to give a focus and new friends, something different like archery? Helped my child hugely.

Are you looking round at all the secondary school options for your son hopefully he can get away from the bullies.

Get him into some clubs, particularly self defence/martial arts. Feeling confident physically really helps with social confidence. Also do change schools. It’s miserable being picked on each day. Could he befriend people of different ages?

The pros of moving school: a fresh start and the chance to make new friends. The cons of moving school: the possibility a pattern will repeat itself and the fact your son will be the ‘new kid’ who is also attempting to re-build self esteem at the same time. I speak as a badly bullied child who moved schools three times before high school age. There is a pattern with most kids in groups, I think, which is that contrary to the popular notion that the bully is singular and a troubled unpopular kid themselves, they are often ‘alphas’ and have their entourage. What happens is that the kids who would otherwise be the victim’s pals - or at least not bully them - get sucked into the bully’s orbit instead for fear of being marked as another victim. There are almost certainly some potential friends who are just too scared to be friends; If your son does not realise this possibility, you might share it with him. Anything can make a person a target and it is not logical - it’s pack behaviour. We have a bizarre culture in schools whereby the victim gets blamed and asked what they did to ‘provoke’ the bullying. Also there is a pervasive myth that ‘standing up to’ a bully means they shrink and run away. That approach may well work in an isolated incident where one child has a conflict with another; it doesn’t work with the type of bullying I’ve described above because it will inevitably be one against many. The child needs adult intervention not being left to fend for themselves, and no, it doesn’t make a child resilient to have been bullied, it damages self-esteem with potentially far-reaching consequences. My message to your DH would be this: if he doesn’t want to move your son, he needs to be alongside you in being extremely firm with the school regarding dealing with the behaviour of the other children. Best wishes and a huge hug/fist bump/ of solidarity to your son.

I agree with others. Look at moving schools. Over the summer holidays work really hard on helping him develop physical strength, fitness and ball skills. Shouldn't matter but does. But also work with him on CBT for children to help him learn there is nothing wrong with him. And look for some clubs where he might meet kids who share his less sporty interests: Lego club, science club, music or drama camp. If he has a connection with any child he meets at one of these camps, foster it and invite them over. Friends outside school can soften the blow of no friends at school.

Meanwhile, talk to the school and to the kids' parents. It won't make him more popular but the school should curb this sort of bullying.

Long story short: DC were bullied at primary. DS1 didn't care - he saw through the tossers. That helped a lot. DS2 cared deeply and it was agony. But now, at uni, he has such strong friendships and all is well. He can come through it.

Tbh I’m not entirely sure I’d move with 1 year to go. Well done for scoping out activities outside of school.
hopefully secondary school he will find his group.

Move him. You need to override your husband. He doesn’t get final say. Everyone describes me as ‘kind’ my husband describes me as ‘fierce and fiery’, maybe this is why. You need to have your sons back and don’t back down here.

Book some appointments with your son. Look at a few schools. Those that have places might let him do the last month or so before the summer there so he meets a few people before year 6.

Activities outside school could be amazing for building up his confidence. Especially if they're not the usual stuff like football.

Have you got a local climbing or bouldering centre? Or cycling clubs/velodrome?

If he's not sporty at all maybe get him an old 35mm camera, or see about local woodland volunteering. Different, unusual stuff.

Don’t know what you should do but Yr 5 is a grim year. All of mine have struggled w it. Yr 6 is so different.

As someone who was that child I can’t stress enough that you have to move schools. Honestly I would just move him and not mention it to DH. They don’t learn resilience, they learn to hide, and don’t do well at school.
Sometimes kids struggle with social skills, but often in a group like that one child will be the popular one, and the other will be desperate to be the best friend. That kid tends to push the other one out the group by bullying. It will all come down to one little ah not having any confidence.