Help - a classmate is stalking my ten year old DD

[ElfinsMum]

A girl in my daughter's class has become properly obsessed with my daughter and it has now escalated to the point where her behaviour is abusive. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? What did the school do? How did things work out in the end?

The girl has delayed social development but, although the school have recommended referral/assessment several times, her parents have chosen not to get her assessed. It used to be that she was just a bit socially awkward but now in year 5 the other girls are maturing fast, their relationships are much richer and this poor girl just can't cope.

In the absence of being able to make a real friend, she is attempting to OWN my DD. For the last 3 months she has been overwhelming DD1 with demands to play in her group, be her partner, be on her team, go to her birthday party etc. She physically grabs my daughter, hugs her without asking and has hit others (although not DD so far) out of frustration. Now it has escalated to the point that this girl follows DD1 around close behind her every minute of break and lunch just shouting "What are you doing DD1?" over and over.

My daughter knows that this girl has social problems and isn't doing any of this out of meanness. But it is wrecking DD1's life: she has gone from smug top dog to school refuser; she has stopped eating at school because she feels so sick all the time; in fact her anxiety is so bad it has caused chronic headache and vertigo; she has discussed suicide. When she tries to set boundaries and tell the girl to go away, she says it lasts for a few minutes at most.

We know the whole family well. Last year, the mum was seriously ill and we provided a lot of childcare to the girl and her brother. DD1 wasn't especially keen on us doing this but I persuaded her to do it out of kindness. Unfortunately, the girl seems to have concluded that since she had a weekly playdate with DD1 last year, DD1 must be her best friend. I feel terrible that my do-gooding has backfired so badly on my daughter.

The school have done some basic stuff - moving seats away from each other in the classroom, no group work - but playground is still a nightmare. My daughter has started seeing a psych to work on her own boundaries and resilience. What else would you ask the school to do? What else would you recommend I do to help my daughter?

@Boomisshiss I think the same too. The headteacher is out of order.

I was very relieved it was over.
Why did you not feel able to tell her to be quiet? "Dd's friend, I want to focus on watching the event, no more questions please as it's distracting".

If rude people don't stop being rude when you ignore them, it's time to be very blunt yourself.

I actually think you hit the nail on the head that you struggle to have firm boundaries and it's a blind spot for you. DD had seen me use my boundaries over and over so it was just a case of telling her why she needed to and that it was OK.

Short term you may just need to move schools. Long term, could you work on your assertiveness and share your skills with her? The most important bit IMO is giving yourself permission to be 'rude'. You can practice on chuggers and similar. Smile, firm "no thanks" then ignore. If they continue to pester, they're the rude one and then it's open season.

Seeing you exercise your boundaries and valuing your own emotions will help. Nice women are a target. Be one of the witches, bitches and nags. We have a lot better boundaries!

And remember, my 'no' is not the start of a negotiation. I don't need to give reasons or be kind. 'No' is enough.

I think we should hesitate to use the 'be kind' meme and instead use the 'show respect' meme.
You can show respect to anyone and be pleasant but respect is more deserved. Imv being kind can be seen as condescending - I am getting on in years - that doesn't mean I want people 'being kind' to me. But being respectful yes please.
If the girl's behaviour doesn't deserve respect don't give it.

The school can't have it both ways. If the girl has no official diagnosis she needs to be subject to the same discipline as the other kids, including being physically separated from your DD by being kept in at breaktime if she bothers her.

The school isn't doing nearly enough. If they know the extent of your daughter's anxiety and the psych treatment she's now having as a result of this stalking, they should be doing more to keep them separated at break times and lunch, such as organising activities for the other girl to participate in to distract her. Stuff that doesn't need funding, like getting her to draw or something. I don't think you should move schools because then it's like your DD is being punished for this other girl's lack of boundaries, but I would talk to the private secondary about what's been going on ahead of them moving up there, to make sure they're not in the same class.

@TheoMeo

I think we should hesitate to use the 'be kind' meme and instead use the 'show respect' meme. You can show respect to anyone and be pleasant but respect is more deserved. Imv being kind can be seen as condescending - I am getting on in years - that doesn't mean I want people 'being kind' to me. But being respectful yes please. If the girl's behaviour doesn't deserve respect don't give it.

The pendant in me prefers 'be considerate'. I don't have to respect a person. I can consider their needs and mine, their wants and mine, and behave accordingly.

Bloody hell, this “Be Kind” bullshit is code for “allow your kid to get walked all over”…

I wonder if the schools attitude would be same if it was a boy harassing your daughter.

I think there has been a lot of advice on here. And it is ok to teach your daughter to be kind but to have boundaries of when she starts to feel suffocated by this. I was a bit guilty of this when a new child started in Yr6, last year of primary. He attached to my son and his best friend and when my son started to moan a bit said to be kind as he was new and new to the country too. But then it all got too much when he started to come between the two boys rather than join with them. Some words with the class teacher helped and the boys ended up with a strategy between them to not let it keep happening. I would speak to the teacher that while they are doing what they can in class, can your daughter have a safe adult to go to at breaks if she is not managing the girl. So that they know she needs help. It maybe that as you as so kind helping the family the girl is in her own way jealous/wishing she could spend more time with your family. But if it doesn't work out at least your daughter has options till secondary. And yes, the teachers are right about requesting they are split for secondary. If the schools work like here the year is split into 2 for some lessons so while one is doing say French the rest are doing History. If you could get them on opposite sides of the year that would help too so only may pass at core subjects if at all.

@bonfireheart

I wonder if the schools attitude would be same if it was a boy harassing your daughter.

IME it's worse.

I wonder if when you say “me and DD going to cop it”
You mean they will be upset about being explicitly told about the impact of this girl’s actions.
I think in a way you need to look forward to this, and hope that they feel upset/ realisation/ challenged /embarrassed whatever and really “get it” and change.

Btw… this is not serious advice… Why can’t you move your furniture? Get power cords and a rug.

Sorry to go a bit silent. We have been busy having fun and keeping busy over the weekend including a playdate with one of DD1's best friends so they could actually play together uninterrupted. Learnt from the other mum that several other kids have complained about annoying, persistent behaviour from this girl recently, although not the full on stalking DD1 has had.

From this week, the school has now asked my daughter to choose a key contact to be a listening ear and hopefully reduce her anxiety. They are also putting a rota of TAs in place in the playground to monitor the play and help the other girl with her social skills.

So I'm cautiously optimistic that things should improve...but I do wonder how long they can maintain such intensive support. As a PP said, they can't really watch the playground all the time.

Sounds like you’ve been busy doing all the right things@ElfinsMum!!! I’m pleased that other kids have reported similar, so that if the harrassment increases, you can go nuclear at school. It does sound like they’re trying too. Just don’t expect them to remember the letters of suggestion re high school. You’re going to have to be all over that one.

Thank you to everyone who contributed on this thread. It was a big help at a very difficult time.

I thought you would all like to hear that things returned to very close to normal for my daughter for the second half of the school year after she moved to the other class at our request. The girls did get back to something like their normal relationship, for which I was proud of them both.

Now at the start of the next school year, the family have pulled all their kids out and moved schools. I believe that the bust up with us was only one of several reasons.

Sadly, the mum has never forgiven me or my daughter and both my husband and I had to block her in the end.