Help - a classmate is stalking my ten year old DD

[ElfinsMum]

A girl in my daughter's class has become properly obsessed with my daughter and it has now escalated to the point where her behaviour is abusive. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do? What did the school do? How did things work out in the end?

The girl has delayed social development but, although the school have recommended referral/assessment several times, her parents have chosen not to get her assessed. It used to be that she was just a bit socially awkward but now in year 5 the other girls are maturing fast, their relationships are much richer and this poor girl just can't cope.

In the absence of being able to make a real friend, she is attempting to OWN my DD. For the last 3 months she has been overwhelming DD1 with demands to play in her group, be her partner, be on her team, go to her birthday party etc. She physically grabs my daughter, hugs her without asking and has hit others (although not DD so far) out of frustration. Now it has escalated to the point that this girl follows DD1 around close behind her every minute of break and lunch just shouting "What are you doing DD1?" over and over.

My daughter knows that this girl has social problems and isn't doing any of this out of meanness. But it is wrecking DD1's life: she has gone from smug top dog to school refuser; she has stopped eating at school because she feels so sick all the time; in fact her anxiety is so bad it has caused chronic headache and vertigo; she has discussed suicide. When she tries to set boundaries and tell the girl to go away, she says it lasts for a few minutes at most.

We know the whole family well. Last year, the mum was seriously ill and we provided a lot of childcare to the girl and her brother. DD1 wasn't especially keen on us doing this but I persuaded her to do it out of kindness. Unfortunately, the girl seems to have concluded that since she had a weekly playdate with DD1 last year, DD1 must be her best friend. I feel terrible that my do-gooding has backfired so badly on my daughter.

The school have done some basic stuff - moving seats away from each other in the classroom, no group work - but playground is still a nightmare. My daughter has started seeing a psych to work on her own boundaries and resilience. What else would you ask the school to do? What else would you recommend I do to help my daughter?

I would strongly consider moving schools.

Oh OP. This sounds awful. Are school encouraging this girl to have healthy friendships with other kids?

The school could do more IMO.

And I do think it does almost sound like victim blaming asking DD to work on her resilience and boundaries. Even as an adult this would annoy the fuck out of me.

My first thought was “move schools” too. And give new school a heads up in case this girl’s parents attempt to do the same.

Moving schools could be the making of your DD, really transition to a new school is easy and exciting at that age.

Well it sounds an awful situation, and I was full of sympathy - until you expressed your sadness that your dd is no longer "smug top dog".....

I also wouldn't be sending my DD into current school until I find a new school.

That sounds awful for your DD. I agree that it seems that the best thing you can do is move your DD and be clear with the school why you are doing this. I suspect the other girl will then latch on to some other child as it is possible she will never understand that her behaviour is inappropriate.

@bonfireheart

And I do think it does almost sound like victim blaming asking DD to work on her resilience and boundaries. Even as an adult this would annoy the fuck out of me.

That's exactly what worked when my DD was targeted. We worked on her boundaries and explained why other people manipulate and push them. Her 'friend' has done it to a few girls and has a multitude of other issues.

The school were useless because they were aware of all the dreadful home issues this poor girl has. They don't want to push too much. I reported to SS early in her school career as she was clearly being neglected and probably being abused.

Hang on, why should she move schools? She has other friends at this school and she was happy there before all this. You need to take this to the Head, OP. The other girl clearly needs help. Are her parents being told how their daughter's behaving?

Time to have a meeting with the headteacher.

Thanks for your replies ladies. @bonfireheart The headteacher said they would like to have been working on social skills with this girl for several years now but, in the absence of a diagnosis, they don't have parental consent or the additional funding to do so. She actually taught this girl in year 2, it was pretty obvious she was frustrated it had come to this.

(I am British but in Australia btw, in case you notice any odd school terminology or apparent Covid breaches! I am translating back into British English as best I can but have never had kids in school in UK)

The school needs to do more. I would take her out of school between now and the end of term and get clear commitments from the school for the next year. If they aren't forthcoming then move schools.

Your poor DD💐

Oh this sounds awful, your poor daughter. Very unfair and she shouldn’t have to but I’d also recommend moving schools. I can’t see the school or parents getting their arses in gear in time for your daughter to have a good last year of primary. Really hope you get it sorted

@HollowTalk

Hang on, why should she move schools? She has other friends at this school and she was happy there before all this. You need to take this to the Head, OP. The other girl clearly needs help. Are her parents being told how their daughter's behaving?

I agree it is not OP's DD who is to blame here but if the school can't change anything she may have no choice but to move. They cannot make the other girl leave the school and it is hard for school staff to police the playground constantly.

@HollowTalk

Hang on, why should she move schools? She has other friends at this school and she was happy there before all this. You need to take this to the Head, OP. The other girl clearly needs help. Are her parents being told how their daughter's behaving?

I agree she shouldn't have to, but it might be the most pragmatic option.

The school seem unable to resolve it, and the OP's DD is starting to have serious MH issues over it all (possibly not helped by the pandemic).

It's really appalling that it's the OP's daughter who is receiving treatment while the other girl isn't.

What an awful situation for both girls.

If the girl's parents won't allow for additional assessments then that limits what the school can do in terms of supporting the girl's social development, but school still have a responsibility to keep your daughter safe from harassment, and other students safe from this child's violence.

Can the school move this girl out of your daughter's class? They could have a member of staff do some work with her during the school day. Schools don't need parental consent to manage behaviour during the school day and someone teaching this child that they can't follow people around is quite important.

@HollowTalk

It's really appalling that it's the OP's daughter who is receiving treatment while the other girl isn't.

I agree, but what can you do if the parents refuse?

Op dd should not be forced to move schools, I would be pushing for the school to handle this better.
Are school in a position to "push" parents into looking for help? I don't like the idea of it at all, but someone needs to step up and advice for this child.

@HollowTalk Yes, I went to the head this week. And yes, she is going to speak to the parents and the daughter. But neither of us hold out much hope knowing the parents.

Interesting that neglect and abuse have already been mentioned. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are neglectful but they are certainly pretty fecking hopeless (even before the mum got sick, more so since although she is thankfully much better). I stopped leaving my kids alone with them years ago.

I asked the advice of a friend who is a retired head earlier today. She warned me that we should seriously consider moving schools. One of the reasons I posted was to test whether that was really necessary. Sigh.

In fact, they are both down to go to the same private secondary

Can school split into an indoor and an outdoor break time to separate them?

If she has lunches, can your daughter have dinners?

Will they supervise the break and lunchtime and stop the girl following her, when she has been asked to stop? Will this girl get consequences if she restarts? (Not punishment but may have to stay in certain area of playground?

If a former head who knows more than you could reasonably post on here things moving schools is your best option then they're probably right.
As school staff we can do our best, but only with the resources available. If parents won't do anything and won't support their child getting the help they need, schools run out of options quickly.

Is your DD's secondary school a large secondary? You may find that once in secondary it's less of an issue, especially if you move DD between now and then. Bigger schools mean more students, which can create a less intense environment. Definitely speak to your DD's new Head of Year about the situation from primary school as they may be able to ensure she isn't in classes with this girl.

Flag it up to the secondary in advance as an issue. They're used to this kind of situation - at least in the UK that's true - and it's very easy to put them in separate classes.