Six years of school, one friend. It's breaking my heart.

[scarecrow22]

DD is breaking my heart. She is in year 5 and has had friendship issues every single year. The teachers have responded, usually before I've even approached them, and much if not all they have done seems considered, caring and appropriate. I have tried to follow their lead.

This year I thought things were different (for a start she stopped trying to run away and cling to me at drop off). But in the autumn term she told me that she spent many break times looking into the classroom window, now a couple of weeks ago a girl left a note in her locker saying "meet me at the trays at 2.25pm": DD went to see who it was and nobody was there, and some of the girls were laughing. She now (mostly) doesn't do what the notes say, but she realises they leave them for her because they want to make fun of her. One teacher told her to put the notes in the bin; I've tried to explain about when I've been bullied and how laughing it off sounds like uncaring advice, but it's not: it's experience and it works. DD is super gentle and easily 'pushed', iyswim.

The thing is that after all these years at school, she has only one friend. Not ONCE has any other child invited her for a playdate unless I've invited them first, not once has she been invited to a party except if all the children/girls in the class are invited. And her only friend appears to be part of the 'note' group - though I also see her being kind to and inclusive of DD at drop off.

My heart breaks for her, and it breaks to understand why this has happened. Why my DD? For the first time I lost my control talking to her teacher the other day after school, not in anger, but in sadness. I admit, too, that I suddenly want to shout at the school "after six years she has one friend, and so much bullying: why haven't you done anything about it". Curiously in other scenarios like outside school clubs she appears to socialise easily, and at best she is a fun-loving child full of imagination.

A few final points which might be relevant: in her Reception year I was put into psychiatric hospital for six months (and have been recovering fitfully since, though I am pretty much back to me now); she likes playing with boys in class; she can be shy and abrupt, though has largely grown out of that; she is artistic; I also have a younger DS, who has never had any friendship problems.

Most importantly, can anybody think of ANYTHING I can do?

I thank you.

My daughter didn't have a lot of friends at her school for 5 years. Have recently moved her and the change is phenomenal. She is the most popular girls in class and happier than ever.

I was mercilessly bullied at that age. I was just a bit different, as my family was from the U.K. but I was growing up in a European country. It was a very provincial place.
Looking back it’s so obvious why I was bullied, but of course I couldn’t work out what on Earth was wrong with me.
My mum never knew a thing, to this day. So at least your daughter is comfortable talking to you.

A nice friend of the family worked it out and took me out for tea one day. She said if those awful girls are bullying you it’s because they feel unsure about you. When you get older you’ll look around and see they’ve grown in to adults just like you, nothing special, but with less friends because by then people will have worked out what they’re liked.

Those words made such an enormous difference to me. I carried them inside me and they almost gave me an invisible shield.
Luckily we moved at the end of year 6 and I never saw any of them again.

Sorry to bore you with my story but trying to give you some perspective. It is an awful thing to go through, but it actually made me more confident as I got older and I could never suffer fools again. I literally could not give a monkeys what anyone thinks of me.

Practical advice? Either move school now or try to identify what school those bullies will go to, and avoid it if you can. Even if it’s a better school it will count for nothing if she’s miserable.

Ask the teacher to really have an honest chat with those bullies’ parents about how their behaviour has affected your daughter. Or at least a serious chat with the kids in question.

It must be so heartbreaking for you. But it will pass.
Build her confidence outside of school, drama and singing became such a useful outlet for me. Find something she’s good at!
Good luckxxx
None of this is your fault

@scarecrow22 I could have written your post in year 5. Her school had a policy of 'making the children play' but the Head Teacher told the staff to leave her alone when she sat underneath a picnic table reading each day in break time. Every friendship she tried to make dissolved within days. She just couldn't fit in. She was finally diagnosed with ASD in year 7 after a 2 year waiting list. It wasn't a surprise by then. More of a formality.

But things changed a bit in secondary school. Somehow she got swept up in a small friendship group, which was part of a bigger group. DD2 has a group of 4 girls who she is close friends with now, and another 2 float in and out depending on their moods.

DD2 has still struggled socially in school - her friends aren't in her classes, she doesn't speak to anyone in form class, and parents evening meetings always include 'I'd love it if she'd speak in my class'. But, she's attending, she's trying and as the teachers get to know her, they become more interested in helping her.

DD2 has been offered tutor mentoring and a well being programme at school this term. Her tutor is also her English teacher and has seen that if she invests a bit of time, DD2 responds and improves.

Don't think this will be forever.

Also give up on diplomacy. When my dc was bullied for a short while I realised too late what actually my response should have been.
I should have done less ‘poor you this is so distressing I’m so upset to hear this’ and more ‘goodness me, aren’t these children bored of themselves yet? What’s their problem? You really don’t need that in your life. Let’s think of something fun to do this weekend / after school. ‘

Thank you to too many people to name for reading the post and commenting so wisely, and with experience I wish you didn't have, and kindness.

The comments about spectrums are not out of place. I had sort of dropped the issue, but today I had an opportunity to revive it. I'm also organising a meeting with DD's teacher at which I will raise it. CAHMS have offered a first meeting end of May, but it's a year's waiting list for any therapy, by which time she'll be almost at secondary school. It's a bankrupt system.

This evening DD took me outside so nobody could hear, and asked me why the girls did this (the notes, etc.) to her. It reminded me of her 5th birthday party when two girls burst her special Frozen balloon and she just looked at me bewildered and said "why would my friends do this to me?" We bounced and lay on the trampoline and talked about it more than she's let me before. I told her somebody once said to me that you should be kind to everybody and especially the bullies because they need it most. I didn't tell her I want to kick their heads in.

To end on a happy note, later this evening somebody told her that her creative writing was really good. DD was secretly v happy I think.

Nothing much to add, other than you sound like an amazing mum

Sorry I have no useful advice, but wanted to say that your DD sounds like such a sweet, lovely person and I hope things improve for her soon.

OP you sound like you're doing an amazing job. Can you, either subtly or openly, also reassure your DD that it's ok to be weird and those things will make her a wonderful adult even if it's a bit hard now?

And remind her that school, especially primary school, is just a bunch of people thrown together by their postcodes. She will find her people at secondary or sixth form or even at uni or work.

(I was the weird child who always felt like I'd missed the memo on how to human properly, had some hideous bullies at primary but found friends at secondary and uni. Am now a weird but very happy adult with plenty of close friends who have similar stories. Also in process of ADHD diagnosis and wish I'd known earlier. Your DD will be fine because like me, she has a brilliant Mum!)

I'm genuinely overwhelmed by how helpful, kind and thoughtful so many people have been.

I've asked DD's teachers to meet me and DH in person or on Zoom to discuss how we and they can up our game.

CAMHS is already involved and range me on Monday so I asked them to look at ASD when they do their initial diagnosis. I figure we rule it out, or we rule it in and I, schools and anybody else have a better idea how to help her.

I have told DD if she would like to look at other primary schools (she knows them as we are on border for three). I don't expect we'll go down that path, |'m actually hoping she might see what is good in her school instead.

Finally, we have got into a lovely habit of going on the trampoline together in the afternoon and talking heart-to-heart. She is telling me more and more (today two girls mocked her for having a tutor that is not for 11+ (they are both aiming for 11+) and implied she is stupid . This is a great let out, but she is also starting to ask questions, and today she asked me what SHE could do to stop it. We talked about projecting confidence and strength. I won't bore you with specifics but she has devised her own little logo: "A good situation comes from a bad conversation". Lovely girl.

Thank you, again.

This is heartbreaking for you. I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this.

Would moving schools be an option? If she is fine in other groups then I would say it was the school and shes's just unfortunate to have been placed in a year full of horrible girls.

For my DC mental health is priority so if moving schools was the best option then I would do it.

Make some suggestions to school - how they could make it better. A talk on kindness with activities. Personally I would do some research first on how successful schools overcome bullying and ask your DD schools to implement the same structure.

There is no reason why your daughter should have to lead a lonely life in school, it certainly can't be benefiting her in any way. It will impact her self-worth /self-confidence if she is consistently ostracised socially.

I'm sure you already do but make sure you do lots of things with her. Connect with her on a one-to-one, listen and do some activities of her choice.

@DareIask

Nothing much to add, other than you sound like an amazing mum

Agreed.