Six years of school, one friend. It's breaking my heart.

[scarecrow22]

DD is breaking my heart. She is in year 5 and has had friendship issues every single year. The teachers have responded, usually before I've even approached them, and much if not all they have done seems considered, caring and appropriate. I have tried to follow their lead.

This year I thought things were different (for a start she stopped trying to run away and cling to me at drop off). But in the autumn term she told me that she spent many break times looking into the classroom window, now a couple of weeks ago a girl left a note in her locker saying "meet me at the trays at 2.25pm": DD went to see who it was and nobody was there, and some of the girls were laughing. She now (mostly) doesn't do what the notes say, but she realises they leave them for her because they want to make fun of her. One teacher told her to put the notes in the bin; I've tried to explain about when I've been bullied and how laughing it off sounds like uncaring advice, but it's not: it's experience and it works. DD is super gentle and easily 'pushed', iyswim.

The thing is that after all these years at school, she has only one friend. Not ONCE has any other child invited her for a playdate unless I've invited them first, not once has she been invited to a party except if all the children/girls in the class are invited. And her only friend appears to be part of the 'note' group - though I also see her being kind to and inclusive of DD at drop off.

My heart breaks for her, and it breaks to understand why this has happened. Why my DD? For the first time I lost my control talking to her teacher the other day after school, not in anger, but in sadness. I admit, too, that I suddenly want to shout at the school "after six years she has one friend, and so much bullying: why haven't you done anything about it". Curiously in other scenarios like outside school clubs she appears to socialise easily, and at best she is a fun-loving child full of imagination.

A few final points which might be relevant: in her Reception year I was put into psychiatric hospital for six months (and have been recovering fitfully since, though I am pretty much back to me now); she likes playing with boys in class; she can be shy and abrupt, though has largely grown out of that; she is artistic; I also have a younger DS, who has never had any friendship problems.

Most importantly, can anybody think of ANYTHING I can do?

I thank you.

My DD was/is similar. She has a dx of ASD which has helped explain a lot of the reasons why friendships are so hard for her. I would try and get her seen, go private if you have to, it's a much quicker process and if she does get a dx, then things can be put in place before she heads to secondary school.

I’m another one who thinks you need to look at ASD and perhaps ADHD,

Read up about it first before you discuss it with people in general, however there are some really good Facebook groups with lots of experienced parents and people with the conditions. Search asd girls and join a few groups, there may even be some local support groups to you. You don’t have to have a diagnosis, just suspect, as the diagnosis pathway is a long and winding one!

Both conditions are hereditary so if I’m understanding your first post you already know it’s in the family. It can present in many different ways, not just the standard things people expect.

Make lists of her behaviours you see with examples of her doing it, no matter how small it seems. I have a rolling list that I update with new traits and remove traits that seem to have stopped.

At that point, have conversations with teachers, put the thought in your teachers head and let them think about it rather than say “my child is this”.
Expect to feel like your coming up against a wall, SEN at schools are notoriously overworked.
I often describe myself as them making me feel like I have Munchassen by proxy. It was such a relief when my daughters new teacher said to me before Xmas “you know I agree with you, I think she does have adhd too”. I’m not going crazy!

FWIW, I was your daughter at school, now 35+ years later I’m 99.9% sure I have ASD. My DD is currently at the start of the pathway for both ADHD (glaringly obvious) and ASD (lots of traits that I had too)

Keep going, do your research and if you think she is then keep pushing for the help and support. 💐

You may not be in the right place to hear this but, from experience, the bullies are also being let down by the school, because they aren’t correcting their behavior. They will head to secondary school believing they are still the bee knees and everyone does as they say/do.

This doesn’t happen - the bystanders no longer have to be round the bullies and drift off into their win friendship groups - and the bullies get left alone - serves them right - but they’ve also been let down.

You need to put something I writing, otherwise the school doesn’t need to act -

Keep it factual - DD feels, DD said, DD is unhappy when - and don’t make it about you

I moved my DD in year 5 and she was much happier - don’t dismiss the poorer schools they usually have the best pastoral care

Hello OP, young girls can be so horrible... I'm so sorry your daughter is having a hard time.
I agree with previous posters. If I was in your position I would start 2 pronged approach:

1. getting current school to sort out bullying. Push that they need to sort this and make parents aware.
2. looking at secondary school options... I too would pick a larger school.. More kids... More likely to find her tribe. Better a school different to her bullies. I would look at what you can do give her confidence and social skills to get off to a good start...

Have I read this right that the school are telling your DD to bin the notes, but don’t seem to be doing anything about the children writing the notes

Op, it won't be long before your daughter goes to 'big' school; please try to find one with a gentle, nurturing atmosphere and ethos. They do exist.

Hi op my dd struggled socially in primary school . The note thing is vile though and school need to tackle that behaviour Swiftly and firmly.
The good news is my dd has definitely had a better time socially in secondary school - I think there's just better odds of finding a like minded group of friends with the increase in numbers. Ironically one of the girls she's really good friends with now is one that really made it clear she didn't like her in primary school (they 'shared' a best friend but the other girls had been friends practically from birth whereas my dd came late to the friendship group and was made to feel like the cuckoo in the nest by many of the girls)
My dd also has quite a few autism traits and I do feel we should have pursued this more at primary school, I feel at 15 she is too old and would be very upset if we started looking into it now but I do wonder if she could have been supported more socially if there is a chance she is high functioning autistic.

I really feel for you and your daughter. Sometimes it seems like life is so unfair. Why do some kids attract friends and sail through life while others struggle so much?

I have two DDs, 9 and 12. I have never had any issues with my youngest daughter, but my eldest has always struggled.

When she was little she was bright, talkative and friendly. Out of all my children, she is the most affectionate and has so much empathy for others. She would describe everyone as her friend, but I noticed other kids pairing up and forming groups and she’d be left out. She usually had one friend (the power was never in her favour though) and despite me making efforts with other parents, throwing parties, organising play dates and taking them on outings, the feelings were never fully reciprocated.

By the time she was 8 it started to go downhill (even though her reports were amazing, just like your DD) and she was coming home upset. This gradually got worse. Sometimes there were glimmers of hope - she’d go out to play with a few kids, building dens at the local park, but it always fizzled out.

We moved schools when she was 10 and initially it was great! She was surrounded by new friends, but again the problems crept in and she left primary school with no one. Towards the end of primary, I raised the possibility of ASD with her teachers and they were completely shocked. In their eyes she was a superstar, so bright and a joy to teach. However, they started to keep a closer eye on her and started to see some quirks at school. She was diagnosed with Asperger’s (privately).

We really thought secondary school would be the answer, but the same problems have persisted. She can’t understand why she doesn’t have friends. It’s like she has an invisible sign on her forehead that says ‘Make my life a misery’, and one after one they do.

Adults think she’s wonderful, but other kids know she’s different. We’ve thrown ourselves into every after school activity and club going in the hope that something clicks. Although she hasn’t made friends, it’s helped increase her confidence and social circle in general.

I have no answers or easy solutions, but I sympathise. It’s so hard watching them struggle.

If you can afford it look at the Lorna Wing Centre - they have pioneered understand ASD in women and girls. I honestly wouldn't wait for the NHS for this although I would go back to CAHMS with ASD concerns and ask to be put on the waiting list as this might support your school putting in place some support. You do need to get in front of the right person though.

Also, please ignore family, school etc. who pooh pooh the idea. If you have suspicions, purse them. There is such a poor understanding of ASD in girls (especially the ones who seem to be coping) and women... until they fall apart.

One of our DC's was so good at masking that I was repeatedly told my Dr's, school and everyone else that I was wrong... as things slowly began to fall apart.... diagnosed now and their life has completely turned around.

I'm not sure I've seen any worries from the OP that her DD has ASD? The fact that she makes friends easily in other settings seems to suggest it's the school's issue.
As I've found, schools think this is not their problem and not important.

OP if you have a little bit of money aside then a private ASD assessment with someone who understands the presentation in girls would be money well spent. It would strengthen your position with the school as they should put more in place to support her. Ditto for when she moves to secondary. Good luck, she sounds like a lovely girl and is lucky to have you batting for her
Xxxxxx

(and MN posters are very very quick to suggest ASD for a child they've never met. My DS has a diagnosis of ADHD which comes with some social difficulties often. MN is convinced he has ASD despite his psychiatrist, consultant paediatrician and SALT saying they see no point in further investigation...).

And also... IME in a good school they will put in place what a child needs without a diagnosis. In a poor school they will put nothing in place even with a diagnosis.

I bet the teacher told her to throw the notes away, as then the bullying won’t be needed to be investigated. Too much paperwork in all that
I would’ve gone to the head by now.
My dd doesn’t have any firm friends in her class, there’s been low level crappy behaviour from girls, one being the queen bee.
She is in Year 6 now and she’s going to a different school to everyone else. No loss 👋

My DD had a thoroughly miserable time at primary, secondary was better, sixth form she was happy. The first year at uni was difficult but ended up fine. She is a happy adult, married just before lockdown with some great friends.

I always believed she would find her people, secondary being bigger gave her more opportunity to find people she related to.

My DD never had a problem with boys at school, in fact the boys at primary were great and supported her alot through the worst of the bullying.

I wish I'd moved her at primary but who knows if it would have helped. I am sorry you and your DD are going through this.

I suspect my daughter has mild ASD. She struggled with friendships through her single entry primary but managed to make friends with children in different year groups which helped her. She wasn't particularly bullied by a group, maybe some individuals, just never really part of things which made her anxious. She is now in secondary and it is a totally different story so far and obviously within the confines of lockdown. She has loads of friends and it has been like a re-start. Obviously I'm hoping it will carry on but thought some positive story of how things can improve would be useful x

drspouse, the OP does have concerns about ASD, it's in an earlier post.

I also have a DC who was diagnosed with ADHD and it is helpful that you have flagged up the ADHD can lead to social issues too. I am also sorry that you feel that posters elsewhere think they know more about your child than you.

However, some of the OP's comments do strike a chord for those of us with girls with ASD (and those posters who have ASD...).

the OP does have concerns about ASD, it's in an earlier post.
Sorry, so I saw was the first post with the good sociability and imagination.
Children with ADHD seem to want to socialise but have difficulty filtering and judging social information - my DS wants to have friends but doesn't quite know how, and is anxious about it, rather than not seeing the point of being social IYSWIM.

drspouse, also, my DC with ASD/PDA has an incredible imagination (noted by the clinician who diagnosed) and good sociability (actually popular at school)... but the former is an escape in many ways and the latter is actually masking a great deal of the time (and they are very good at it).

There is a distinct divide between home and school for them, and it all comes out at home (hence all sorts of people insisting there was nothing wrong... until they had witnessed the meltdowns).

I am only writing that because ASD is so misunderstood.

Aww your poor DD, this all sounds so awful for her and for you. There is a lot of good advice from other posters, better and clearer than any I can give you regarding the bullying and potential SEN.

However, in respect to your DDs football team and her not wanting to go, if you haven't already done so, I would suggest you speak to her coach or the clubs child welfare person and explain the situation as it would be real shame for her to lose out on an activity that she enjoys and where she has friends/good relationships with her teammates.

I think I would look at moving schools

She's been at this school 6 years, the current children have had 6 years of not getting on with her, six years of bullying, six years of peer pressure ingrained into them to not like DD. That's not going to change overnight even if their parents invited your DD for a playdate or to their parties, these children won't ever be your DDs friends. The school are clearly ineffectual at dealing with bullying and they can't force friendships.

She makes friends outside of school, so it sounds like the problem is the current school. A new school where she is more liked will hopefully give her the confidence to move in to secondary and continue making friends, and ignore this one bully at football.

As a child who didn't have many friends at primary its so easy to continue thinking that as you move up throughout life, even when you have friends. I would move her now so she has a chance to form friendships before going into secondary

I presume a “through” private school is not an option? If there is a 5-18 private close to you, where children move through automatically from prep to the senior school I would look at that, if you can afford it.

Other than that, I would look for a school where there are similar kids. One of my dds is similar and almost the same age. What helped her was being moved to a smaller school with like minded kids

When my ds2 was having problems I organised trips on a Sunday for him and 2/3 friends. Usually to the swimming pool. Those kids who had been nice to him during the week got invitations

the school is at fault here - why is your daughter made to have ownership of reading/destroying these nasty bullying notes rather than the school tackling the bullies who write them?

i hope she gets a better experience at high school - so sad and unneccessary