Six years of school, one friend. It's breaking my heart.

[scarecrow22]

DD is breaking my heart. She is in year 5 and has had friendship issues every single year. The teachers have responded, usually before I've even approached them, and much if not all they have done seems considered, caring and appropriate. I have tried to follow their lead.

This year I thought things were different (for a start she stopped trying to run away and cling to me at drop off). But in the autumn term she told me that she spent many break times looking into the classroom window, now a couple of weeks ago a girl left a note in her locker saying "meet me at the trays at 2.25pm": DD went to see who it was and nobody was there, and some of the girls were laughing. She now (mostly) doesn't do what the notes say, but she realises they leave them for her because they want to make fun of her. One teacher told her to put the notes in the bin; I've tried to explain about when I've been bullied and how laughing it off sounds like uncaring advice, but it's not: it's experience and it works. DD is super gentle and easily 'pushed', iyswim.

The thing is that after all these years at school, she has only one friend. Not ONCE has any other child invited her for a playdate unless I've invited them first, not once has she been invited to a party except if all the children/girls in the class are invited. And her only friend appears to be part of the 'note' group - though I also see her being kind to and inclusive of DD at drop off.

My heart breaks for her, and it breaks to understand why this has happened. Why my DD? For the first time I lost my control talking to her teacher the other day after school, not in anger, but in sadness. I admit, too, that I suddenly want to shout at the school "after six years she has one friend, and so much bullying: why haven't you done anything about it". Curiously in other scenarios like outside school clubs she appears to socialise easily, and at best she is a fun-loving child full of imagination.

A few final points which might be relevant: in her Reception year I was put into psychiatric hospital for six months (and have been recovering fitfully since, though I am pretty much back to me now); she likes playing with boys in class; she can be shy and abrupt, though has largely grown out of that; she is artistic; I also have a younger DS, who has never had any friendship problems.

Most importantly, can anybody think of ANYTHING I can do?

I thank you.

@scarecrow22
Firstly I'm so sorry your daughter is going thru this
My daughter is in reception and very similarly doesn't seem to make friends very well
Obviously during covid people did play dates we never got invited really but then I work more than a lot of the other Mums and even now it's difficult

I was discussing it with my partner and I'm going to have a garden party for cancer research and invite people and see if I can make some friendships and make an effort to get to know people

I'm wondering because either DP or the childminder do the school run whether we've been pushed out the loop?

Watching with interest xxx

You poor poor things, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I would speak to the head of the school and ask them to put a stop to the bullying. Name the girls and say what they are we doing with the notes and demand they stop it.
I see rays of hope here in that your daughter is sociable outside of school. Can you encourage these other friendships/ invite these children from other schools to play. Let her build up a support network that doesn’t revolve around school.
I’d also be looking for a secondary school away from these bullies so she can have a fresh start.
How does your DD feel about it all?

This is very sad and hopefully she will make much better friends in secondary. I'd be tempted to move schools now if she was happy to.

Long term- I haven't kept in touch with any friends from primary or secondary school so don't worry too much about that. School must be a lonely place for her right now though.

Have you looked at other schools? Year 5 is not too late. I'd also be much more forceful with the school about their plan to address it. My son has struggled with friendships for some time, it seems to be getting better finally in Yr 5. But I deeply regret that I followed the school's lead and prioritised working with them over what I knew in my heart was best for my son. I could have moved him in year 3 and I think a lot of this would have been averted. I didn't want to come across as a pushy or precious parent, how stupid of me to worry about that instead of advocating harder on his behalf.
Sorry I'm projecting! But the behaviour you describe is bullying and the school should deal with it robustly. If they won't/ don't/can't then I'd move sooner rather than later.

Forgive me for bumping this: I get no chance in the week to come on MN in private.
Happy Sundays all x

@LarryUnderwood

Have you looked at other schools? Year 5 is not too late. I'd also be much more forceful with the school about their plan to address it. My son has struggled with friendships for some time, it seems to be getting better finally in Yr 5. But I deeply regret that I followed the school's lead and prioritised working with them over what I knew in my heart was best for my son. I could have moved him in year 3 and I think a lot of this would have been averted. I didn't want to come across as a pushy or precious parent, how stupid of me to worry about that instead of advocating harder on his behalf. Sorry I'm projecting! But the behaviour you describe is bullying and the school should deal with it robustly. If they won't/ don't/can't then I'd move sooner rather than later.

Also @Ohdoleavemealone,

In my emotional state the other evening I looked at availability at a very small private school near us. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd do this, but I'm about to get a payout from my pension, and I think a small school will suit her. The very kind and honest admissions tutor said I could but perhaps it wouldn't be kind to DD to go state-private for a year - state, especially as almost certainly none of her new classmates would go to the state schools around here. I could look at the other state schools, but one of the two possibilities has a mixed reputation, and the other seems so remote from our lives. I will see what the school has to say. I'm doubly worried as the excellent headteacher tried to retire and could not be replaced, so is part time, and I fear I'll be fobbed off with his assistant head/acting head who is very cold.

I sound like somebody who sees problems everywhere, I really am not!

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply to me.

@Oly4

You poor poor things, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I would speak to the head of the school and ask them to put a stop to the bullying. Name the girls and say what they are we doing with the notes and demand they stop it. I see rays of hope here in that your daughter is sociable outside of school. Can you encourage these other friendships/ invite these children from other schools to play. Let her build up a support network that doesn’t revolve around school. I’d also be looking for a secondary school away from these bullies so she can have a fresh start. How does your DD feel about it all?

@Oly4, the sad thing is that the bullies are known to all the other parents so presumably also to the teachers/school. I guess this is also fuelling my sudden frustration that they have done so little. What they can do, however, I'm not sure. It seems to me that the bullies' lives go relatively unchallenged, and the bullied have to suck it up.

(I am not saying the bullies have nothing going on in their private lives - how can you know - but I know their parents, have picked up Lucy from parties, had a few for playdates, and superficially they have engaged mums and dads, and nice homes: not all you need in life, but a hopeful sign.)

@Oly4

You poor poor things, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I would speak to the head of the school and ask them to put a stop to the bullying. Name the girls and say what they are we doing with the notes and demand they stop it. I see rays of hope here in that your daughter is sociable outside of school. Can you encourage these other friendships/ invite these children from other schools to play. Let her build up a support network that doesn’t revolve around school. I’d also be looking for a secondary school away from these bullies so she can have a fresh start. How does your DD feel about it all?

Oh, and the other problem is bully no1 has joined her football squad, since when she's stopped wanting to go. Though she still does, so far. Cubs is better: she loves that. Though she is dismayed her little brother is moving up from Beavers this term!!

You don’t sound like somebody who has problems everywhere. You sound like a loving and wonderful mum.
I think you should go back to the school and say you would like a meeting regarding the ongoing bullying of your daughter.
And if needs be, involve the school governors.
And encourage your DD to stick with football and not be pushed out of that by the bully.
I would definitely be looking at different secondary schools for your daughter to where these bullies will go. She needs a fresh start for secondary.
But yes I think going state-private-state would be hard on her.
Entirely private would probably suit her but is obviously out of most people’s reach

I'm so sorry. My son didn't really form friendships so I know how that feels. When puberty was approaching it all changed, he suddenly became 'cool' and turned into Mr Popular.

None of this is your fault, op. I'm sure the situation will improve. It's a great pity she is so sad though. Do all you can, carefully, to build up your daughter's self esteem and if there is something that is particularly good at, encourage that.

All the very best.

I think you need to get tough with the school, look at the complaints procedure and follow it but escalate immediately, involve the governors, OFSTED if necessary. They need to realise that they are failing your daughter and they have a bullying problem. Can your daughter move form? Or better, they split up the bullies? There is more they can do. Look very carefully at the next school but moving for a year state - private - state doesn't sound good.

However, I also wonder whether your daughter has any other issues. Do you think she has some issues socially? Do you think she could possibly be on the autistic spectrum? Is there SALT support you/the school could put in place to help her more socially? Girls who typically mask well can start to struggle in the last years of primary when their differences become more pronounced.

Organising this (and possibly looking into any further needs/diagnoses) privately might be a better use of your money.

As she is making friends and socialising out of school I would definitely consider moving schools. I disagree with you about a small school though. A big school with lots of children and things going on might be better. My dc have moved schools a couple of times, always without knowing a single other child, and there is barely a ripple at a larger school. And it's always been absolutely fine too.

Of course your dd shouldn't have to move schools as none of this is her fault but sometimes you need to be proactive whether it's fair or not.

@Grimbelina, thanks for some well thought out advice. You have touched on an issue which has been niggling me for some time: she is sometimes not brilliant at understanding social cues (though I have done my best to guide her), and has some other signs I recognised from one of my DS's children who has ASD. Tellingly, when I Googled (!) the diagnosis in girls, there were other aspects of her behaviour which I would never have linked to it, but are there (strong attachment/dependency on a comfort toy even at 10, preference for adult company). That said, DH, DM and another DS have all pooh-poohed the idea, and tell me I am seeing problems which aren't there. Her school reports are (in a personal sense) amazing. She can also be the most empathetic and kind child imaginable: she can sense when I'm struggling and gives me affection but also space, and during lockdown she made a friendship box for her bf because she felt sorry for her being an only child (she had no DB to fight and complain about !)

I've been through a longish process getting her accepted by CAMHS for anger and anxiety (all related to me and DS) - I flagged up my question about ASD, but I've been told that it will be a wait of more than a year for her to have any kind of treatment.

DH refused to even read any links I sent him or Google the issue when I finally raised it with him [another post!], so despite the above I do think it's not a given.

Just move her to another state school and pursue a camhs assessment.

My DS is in Y4 and has SEN and has just made a friend. He made lots of friends at his first school but they managed him out and his next school wouldn't do anything to help him make friends (he was nervous of being in the classroom, they wouldn't get other children to work with him out of the classroom, they did no friendship work with the other children who had had no new children in their class since Reception, the other parents petitioned the school to get him removed, he was).
He is now in a PRU and he started making friends with one boy at the start and we asked about play dates and were told no.
Finally over a year later we have managed to organise a childcare bubble/play date each Friday with a different child.
In short my experience is that schools don't think friendships are their job, yet they are the main place that children make friends and friendships are crucial to children's wellbeing and hence learning.

(Oh and also that most parents don't think children with SEN deserve friends. And are willing to lie to their own children, telling them "yes yes we will see DS soon", and make elaborate excuses "oh my children never have playdates").

@Handsoffstrikesagain, I would be confident enough to talk to them, yes. I have refrained so far for fear of making things worse for DD. Another lovely mum saw me looking emotional the other day. Her DD has never particularly played with my DD, but she is not at all unkind - she just has a BF of her own. It was her who made me aware that many other parents know who these girls are. Including one girl who the teachers think is a wonderful friend to all and is one of the worst: how have they missed this?! I will discuss the direct approach with her, but thanks for raising it.

@drspouse, your poor DS - and poor you too. How agonising. And how utterly irresponsible of the schools. I do hope that the bubble you are forming is the beginning of a new part of his life.

Curiously my DD plays with boys in the classroom, and one of her closest friends (I'm not sure if this is all from her or not) is a boy who I suspect has ASD. And my DS regularly asks if a boy in his class with high functioning ASD can come on playdates. I don't know if they are even aware of diagnosis etc., they just take them as they are.

I feel almost permanent guilt about ways I have failed my DC, and agony about that, but they are both kind and enjoy other children for who they are, and I feel immensely proud of them for that.

Ladies, I need to go and parent my children. (DH is downstairs in penance for never doing homework duty!) I will log on at bedtime, and anybody with wisdom to share, I thank you for reading my post and will really appreciate your replies.
Happy Sundays (again, I think!)

keep the notes, the teacher should be able to recognise the handwriting.
If that child was singled out for admonishment it could result in a break up of the cabal. Cruel bunch.

OP, your little girl is me. I had a very similar experience throughout primary and unfortunately also secondary school. I had a much nicer time in 6th form, and university was where I really slotted in and found like-minded people. I have ASD, not diagnosed until I was in my 30s. I wish my mum had worried about it or tried to make me feel better like you are doing for your DD. A school move would have worked for me in secondary but they didn't bother.

My story is just like Bobbin's. Your first post made me think "ASD" right away.

Moving school gives you a chance to reinvent yourself, but it might help her to prepare for this in advance if you do it. Could she benefit from some therapy of some kind too?