How can I sort this out once and for all? Secondary school

[MercedesDeMonteChristo]

I hope it’s ok to post this here, it isn’t bullying in the traditional sense I don’t think.

DC has had an ongoing problem with another child for about a year. They knew each other at primary school where the child caused some problems for other children and I’ve personally witnessed starting trouble in playgrounds and things to the point of coming to blows with random other kids.

After harassing a mutual friend my DC decided to cut ties, blocked him etc. The child then continually approached him in the playground repeatedly pushing him and swearing at him. I flagged it in Sept as I could see how it might escalate but what appears to happen (as witnessed by teachers on two occasions) the boy approaches, swears and pushes myDC then he retaliates and the boy then tell teachers that DS has hit/pushed/swore at him and then my DC gets into trouble.

DS has stayed away as he has been told to do. I’ve spoken with the parents and asked them ensure that their DC stays away too. I was met with my DC did this and that (which he has admitted to in retaliation) but her DS says he has done absolutely nothing. There have been multiple fights with others that also are not this boys fault.

It transpires that this child approached mine on the way home and swore at him, pushed him against a wall and punched him in the back. DS apparently punched him back in the face and ran (two friends who don’t have any issues with the other boy corroborate this). Today the child was not at school and my DS received a detention.

I have a meeting with the school tomorrow. I have repeatedly flagged the problems, accepting that DS does retaliate once things get to a certain point.
But now this boy is approaching him on the street!

I need to do something but I don’t know what. I am at the end of my tether with it.

What can we do? The parents refuse to accept that their son is doing anything wrong, and that my child is in the wrong (as is every other child and teacher that this boy has problems with) and the school seem to be taking a ‘whoever tells first’ approach.

I feel that this boy is harassing DS and he knows he can get a rise from him if he pushes hard enough. I want to suggest to the parents that one more incident and we will have to seek legal advice about harrassment/injunctions etc, but I suspect that isn’t viable at all.

I just want this boy to piss off.

My ds when in y7 went through bullying, the schools response was that he could stay in at break and lunch! I removed him from the school. Didn't have another place anywhere. We do the right thing for our child, screw what the school says. Good luck with it all

That's terrible.

I will probably get pounced on for this but we've drummed it into my daughter if anyone hits you etc you hit them back.

What are you planning to say to the school tomorrow?

How can they enforce detention for outside school behaviour?

So sorry to read this. My DC has experienced similar. Has been punished and the bullies have got away with it. Secondary school finally started to deal with it then lockdown happened. Carry on standing up for your son. I tackled the parent of one of our DC's bullies who denied all knowledge of it, despite primary and secondary teachers telling us they had spoken to the parent many times. Unfortunately I don't have the answers but I know how horrible it feels. Good luck.

If it's worth mentioning, our secondary school only started taking this seriously when we said we would go to the police if it continued. So it might not be a bad idea.

I plan to hear what the school have to say then lay out all my previous contact and attempts to get this sorted and lack of action on both the parents and schools side.

I will mention that getting police/lawyers involved in my next step and how they perceive ensuring he stays away.

I also wondered about the detention given it happened outside of school.

Moving him is an option. But I know the other mother is unhappy with the ‘victimisation’ at the school and her son does want to move so I don’t see why we should.

An odd suggestion but any chance your son can film things on his phone as they happen, so it’s clear how these things start?

Often if they're in uniform then school can punish

Does your school have CCTV? You need to flag every incident and if other pupils were witness to it then they should also be getting statements from them to and acting on it every time.

No CCTV as it was on the street.

I’m going to keep calm and have the conversation and see what happens at the end of that. I want her to be able to tell me what concrete measures they will be putting in place. To date I appear to be the only one doing anything - I.e. insisting DS stays away from him.

I do have all my emails after every incident etc so will flag all this. I’ve asked for a meeting more than once that has never materialised so the fact that I am actually going to be able to speak to them is at least something.

Make sure you ask to see their policy on bullying op or see if you can download it before the meeting.

That way anything that doesn't sit right with you, you can refer back to their policy.

Thanks, great suggestion.

Thanks for all the support. I wasn’t sure where to post as DS even today when I said he was defending himself said I attacked him back so it doesn’t seem like bullying in the normal sense, but it is.

It is bullying.

It's harassment.

This child just won't piss off for want of a better word.

Ask to see their anti-bullying policy and ask what they are going to do to address this (in writing; try to get a written response out of them as well). Possibly copy your letters in to the school governors. Consider reporting to Ofsted if problems are not satisfactorily addressed.

A written response is a great idea. Ask them to minute the conversation and wrote it up to feedback.

It's shit. I am dreading my DD going to big school. The WhatsApp rhe Facebook etc all this stuff that's outside of school

See what the school say before making any further decisions but I’d be tempted to hold firm.
It was a long time ago and I know things are different now but I once flipped at school when an older girl, who had been consistently nit picking me for months, was behind me in the lunch queue scraping her shoes down the back of my ankles. I turned round and swung at her and by freak accident hit her square in the eye. I was pulled out to see the deputy head but was surprised to be given a very light telling off with a bit of a secret wink of approval for standing up to a girl that everyone knew was a bully and who bullied lots of other kids. She never bothered me again and I sincerely hope that your son experiences the same now that he too has shown that he has had enough.
I think if he was my DS I’d reiterate that violence is of course to be avoided, however in circumstances such as this, he needed to take back the control and hopefully he has done enough to get the other boy to leave him alone. Meanwhile just smile and nod sweetly through the school formality.

I've just found out that as DS ran away the boy was threatening to get his father on him. He is damn lucky that DH hasn't approached him and said something to him by now, nevermind getting his own father involved and DH is significantly scarier than this boys dad.

I am going to go in measured hear what they have to say, put my view forward, ask what action is going to be taken and how it will be measured and then send an email thanking her for her time and outlining our discussion and agreed actions asking her to confirm that she agrees.

The mother has a child at our primary still, as do I so it is feasible that I will see her but if she approaches me I will just state that I have nothing to say to her, we are dealing with it through the school. I know from my last attempt to address it, because we have known each other for years that she will say DS is bullying her son - like everyone else inc teachers and that he is totally blameless. I made a conscious effort last time to acknowledge that DS had pushed her son and swore at him even though each situation only occurs because he approaches DS and starts mouthing off and then pushing him.

How did you get on op?

A really positive discussion. They were very clear that they understood that the problems stem from the other child. His sanction was higher than DS as the instigator and he will be told that he is not to approach DS at all and DS is to report each and eveytime he comes near him even if it is just walking by and swearing. There are then various levels of sanctions to be applied.

I guess I have to allow them to try their sanctions and see what happens. I certainly felt confident she was taking it very seriously. She had already spoken to DS’s form tutor and got hold of my previous correspondence.

Thank you for asking and thank you for all the advice it kept me levelled when I was really livid.

Aw good. Fingers crossed for you and your son

My DD was bullied mercilessly and the school seemed unable or unwilling to stop it. In the end , after the Police took her to A&E , I moved her to an Independent Private School where there she is happy and settled. But nothing was every done about the violence she suffered.

@Pyewhacket how awful, glad she is happy now. I am worried that the school won't actually be able to stop it totally as this boy doesn't appear bothered by sanctions and tbh if we move school or he does DS could still bump into him on the street and he would totally still start on DS I am sure. I'm really just hoping they move away or something but it is highly unlikely.

Bullying occurs in virtually every school. In most cases, staff will pick up the problems before they get out of hand, but the bullies at Eydon Vale intimidated their victims so thoroughly that they would not dare complain. At that point, communications between school and parents broke down and Ofsted threatened to close us. Even after we set up secret friends and caught the perpetrators, it took some time for parents to trust us again.

I’m the OP. We’ve had months of quiet and today the bloody kid picked in DSs friends and DS apparently told him to stop. Cue scratch and small bruise on DSs face and apparently he had his hands around his throat. DS Punched him then the teachers arrived.

I am livid. DS did point out that it wasn’t him that the boy had a problem with but because he got involved. I’ve asked the school if it is time to get his parents in and us in the room. I’ve asked his parents to keep him away and we keep our DS away but he just keeps getting in his face.

Is this ever going to stop?!