How to combat bullying?

[MrsMcRuff]

Does anyone know of any self-help books for children which suggest strategies for dealing with bullying at school, ways to increase confidence/self-esteem etc.? I'm doing my best to boost ds (10), but floundering a bit, and resorting to advising him to be nasty back , which he's reluctant to do.

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bumpity bump?

No real ideas but I'm in the same situation so hoping someone knows. I've spent the evening with ds trying to find verbal replies so that he doesn't resort to hitting.

Oh, me too! I think I'm beginning to sound quite vindictive and unpleasant. I have been searching for the ultimate cutting-but-witty put down for every occasion!

I can't help feeling, though, that the solution lies in helping him to develop more confidence, which kind of deflects the negative attention from the outset, so it doesn't have to be dealt with so often. Easier said than done.

Hope we both find some answers!

Tbh my ds is fairly confident outside of school. We've made an effort to get him doing a few things away from his school friends which has really helped him. He's just so desperate to be liked by everyone at school that it bothers him too much when they tease him. I think that if he just ignored them, they would go away but unfortunately he reacts to them every time. I feel quite mean about the other boys sometimes. It's a tricky situation for us because there are a big group of boys that play together and a small group of these boys who are mean to ds. This means he feels like he can't go and play with someone else because then he won't be playing with his good friends.

My DD had some "friendship" issues last year and I found a wealth of books for me and her to help.

I've just had a look to see if there's anything on Amazon, suitable for a boy (i.e. not with pictures of girls and in hot pink!), and they are very scarce.

I find this, which looks interesting: www.amazon.co.uk/Bullying-Cure-Protect-Children-Cyberbullied-ebook/dp/B00FORZ58Q/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422023569&sr=1-4&keywords=bullying+boys

I think I may have something upstairs too, I'll check and post again.

Here's the one I was thinking of

www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-Called-Friends-So-called/dp/0340911840/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422023829&sr=1-1&keywords=bullying

Thanks both, and thanks for the links, Choc. They're really useful.

I know that in the grand scheme of things these incidents of 'low-level' playground bullying are almost inevitable, and I suppose should just be shrugged off, but it's difficult, when it's your child seemingly on the receiving end a lot of the time.........

The problem is that low level bullying tends to be less obvious so carries on for longer and eats away at a child's self esteem. We've also discovered this week that the verbal bullying has escalated to physical bullying. Luckily the head is very experienced with playground politics and is trying to sort it out.

Have you talked to the school? Sometimes "low level" is actually very nasty and damaging and needs to be stamped out decisively by the staff. your child may not be able to deal with it on his own. Remember not to blame the victim (or feel like the victim is responsible in any way).

People are always saying that girls are mean, but I have found that boys are equally mean.

I think it does need addressing and schools should aim to assist the children to get along. I'm a lunchtime supervisor so I know how hard it can be to do!

I'd be interested to hear about what your head is doing Sleepytea.

Fullofchoc, The head has been out in the playground observing them play and agrees that from ds's perspective it is not fair, and that there is some bullying happening. So they've had extra circle time to talk about how it's not nice to behave in this way. He also has permission to go into the classroom for time away when he needs it and they have a teacher who he can go to when he gets really frustrated and needs help with his emotions. The lunchtime staff are aware of the situation and know that any incident involving ds is to be dealt with the head. The most important thing as far as ds is concerned is that someone is on his side. I realise that we can't neccessarily change the other boys behaviour but we can make sure that ds feels safe.

That sounds great sleepytea, so good to hear they are taking it seriously. I hope your DS is much happier and confident soon.

OP, your son could go on a Kidscape course to get some confidence and some practical strategies for dealing with bullying. Kidscape is an amazing charity which has helped thousands of families (and lots from MN) Get in touch with them and I know they will be able to help.

I found this video very good:
www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/whiteboard-animations/beat-a-bully-without-using-your-fists/#?insight%5Bsearch_id%5D=4893acda-1db6-42fd-b6a7-09cf4c510776&insight%5Bsearch_result_index%5D=0

I would recommend some out of school classes to build his confidence and give him a feeling of inner strength in any bullying situations. Karate or something similar. It has helped our dd no end x

Hi MrsMcRuff, I've just started a thread asking for suggestions of programmes because my kid's school seems to have a lot of bullying at the moment.

My DD has only had very limited verbal bullying but I do know of lots of other incidents of bullying at the school with the children aged around 10. I really want the school to grapple with this issue just as they are trying to grapple on line safety.

I saw this little 'ad' from Childline. I feel it is very good advice for children (or adults) experiencing bullying, not just cyber bullying...

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/bullying-and-cyberbullying/

I'm sorry I cannot be more help but I do feel building your child up, listening to him, asking him what he wants you to do and doing it is very helpful. I'm sure you are doing all this.

Just for personal experience when DD (aged 9 at the time) had problems with two other girls at school, I asked my dd what she wanted to do/what she wanted me to do. Did she want me to speak to the school or not. If it had been violent bullying I would have spoken to the school anyway, but may still have talked to her about the best way to do it.

I wrote to school and they worked on it. It seemed to stop. But then re-emerged and so I wrote again and at the moment it seems to be OK. This child is bullying others and many of us parents are moaning about the child but I feel the school always fobs off with a well 6 to one and half a dozen to the other kind of talk!

Anyway, I do hope things will get better for your ds. I would also vote for a martial art, if he wants to do it. They are not easy to do (I do Taekwan-do and it is bloomin' hard, but I am 50!) so for a child it may be easier, and fun.

You can also googel "Preventing and tackling bullying
Advice for headteachers, staff and governing bodies" for a document which says some helpful stuff about what schools should be doing. If you school is not then you can at least know where you stand.

Sleepytea that all sounds good but can I ask if the bullies are getting any sanctions at all?

Is there a punishment for violent bullying or is it just accepted and the victim has to go out of their way to get away from it?

I really do hope things will get better. It makes my blood boil when I think of it and I also know that sometimes bullies themselves have issues so by not addressing these issues directly then things do not really get resolved.

Bullying in school needs to be dealt with in school, and you can help with promoting bully-free and ant-bullying attitudes and behaviours outside of school in the wider community. There are resources online.

Look at the school bullying policy and ask what the school does to combat bullying. It needs to be addressed, a school cannot just say 'we don't have bullying here' and do nothing.

PeaceOfWildThings could you link to any of these resources, please?

Someone just linked to something on the thread I started...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2317962-Are-there-any-programms-schools-can-use-to-combat-bullying

I don't have them to hand, but what I have seen was by making fairly standard internet searches. A lot of achools publish information about anti bullying events and campaigning, and various drama clubs do theatre workshops and community events which can be related.

nspcc anti- cyber bullying resources

bbc

bullying uk

And yes, I saw the childline ad as well, and think that is very good advice! :)