DH 'feeling funny' about me breastfeeding - advice?

[AngelDog]

I have a 6 m.o. DS who's been EBF, although we started BLW this week. DH has been supportive of me bfing and has been keen on the benefits such as health, convenience, cost-effectiveness, helping DS sleep etc.

However, today he told me that he is looking forward to 'having me back' (when I stop bf'ing). He said that while I'm bfing, he feels I'm not available to him in the way I would otherwise be.

I don't think this is because I've been less attentive than before, but because he is very squeamish and hates anything remotely 'biological'. He has been really supportive through pregnancy, birth and bfing, but it all makes him shudder. I think he feels my breasts are 'out of bounds' for him. That's not factually true but it's how me bfing makes him feel IYSWIM.

He's not asked me to stop bfing but I can see it coming at some point, even if not soon. If he really wanted me to stop, I would do so, as I strongly feel that a decision to continue/stop bf should be a family one, not just mine.

However, bfing is pretty important to me and I'd hoped to continue as long as I could. On a practical note, I'm rubbish at understanding when DS is hungry, so bf is great as I don't need to worry about overfeeding him. At night, I don't need to ask myself whether he's waking with hunger or not, as I can just get on and feed him.

DS isn't a great sleeper, and I feed him to sleep at bedtime and the 2 or 3 times he wakes at night. I bf to sleep for naps when rocking doesn't work, which does happen as I'm rubbish at reading his tired signs and he can quickly go into a meltdown. I worry that if I couldn't bf to sleep, it could be a lot more traumatic all round (DH is pro-controlled crying, I'm not).

Any suggestions on how I might be able to help DH feel a bit more positive?

TIA

Tell him all the things you listed here - make him see that breastfeeding makes for a much easier life for him! Alternatively, tell him to get a grip

I would say don't play down his concerns or tell him to 'grow up', as a lot of people may advise you. It won't help him feel more positive about it at all. He is basically supportive, educated about health benefits etc. and that's great. It's natural for him to be a bit uncertain about the changes to your body, and that now it has a biological use. Maybe remind him that it IS temporary (but you must continue for as long as you feel is necessary) and that you are fine with him touching them.

Maybe its not just the breastfeeding. Maybe he feels that you aren't paying him enough attention ( men really think just like children sometimes . Maybe you could leave your bundle of joy with your parents for a couple of hours and then go do something he loves like going to a sports match or just to the pub.

I can see where he's coming from. I expect that in his mind, you've changed from his lover to the mother of your (meaning both of your's) baby. Your boobs had a sexual focus for him, now they supply food to his child. I imagine it is a bit weird for him and while he knows it's temporary, 6 months is a long time and he's probably thinking once the weaning is sorted, the bf will stop and your boobs will revert to their previous function (for him at least!)

It sounds like he's a good guy and I don't think he means to sound like he's complaining or intends to pressure you to stop. I think you should be sympathetic towards his feelings about this and reassure him that a) you can be both a lover and a mother and b) at some point, the bf will stop, whenever that may be.

My dh was exactly the same so we agreed six months of breastfeeding and then I would stop. Didn't bother me at all and never felt it was a compromise. In fact I was ready to stop then anyway tbh

It's likely that in the next 6... months your DS will cut down on his feeds, in fact you could even be on morning and night only when he's 12 months. How do you think your DH would feel about that?

I don't agree that your partner should digtate how long you BF for. Espicaly if the realtionship is working really well for you and your DS. Having said that it is to an extent a family decision, so a compermies could be called for. But you shouldn't be made to do anything you really don't want to.

Remind him of the health benifits for your DS and you. Make sure he knows how much money your saving by BF. Tell him that if you wait till 12 months then there will be no faffing with formula and bottle's your DS can go straight onto cows milk. Oh and maybe slip in there that as your DS wake's in the night still, he may have to do some night feeds to give you a break. My OH really hated the idea of having to get up during the night pluse he's terrable with a brocken nights sleep. Oh and maybe on this point remind him how much more difficult it would make it for you if you had to get up and make bottle's in the night.

I also agree with the OP who said pamper him a bit. I think DH was a bit like this when I was BF in the first year, a couple of nights out for just the two of us worked wonders.

It's part of a larger issue isn't it -- if he hates anything "biological", it's not that surprising he is uncomfortable with bf. In which case, it is unlikely you can do much without the larger issue being addressed ... but equally, hopefully you can be reassured it isn't a problem he spcifically has with bf as such, eg resentment of the baby or whatever.

It is a shame though, for all of you, that he feels that way. Sorry I don't have any actual advice on how to help him.

Well what he's saying makes sense to me, because I know that when I'm breastfeeding I'm not as available to my DH as I used to be.

I don't feel as sexual at all whilst breastfeeding and I don't enjoy any kind of sexual touching of my breasts at the moment. To me they just feel like DD2's, if that makes any sense.

StealthPo is right though - over the next six months your DS will gradually feed less and so the ways in which you are not available will diminish (if that makes sense).

Then (not sure how long you want to keep going for) but after they turn 1 it decreases further and becomes different again. By that stage I didn't really feel like I was in breastfeeding mode any more (even though I was still feeding DD1) to the point that we did lots of shagging and DD2 was conceived.

Things to point out to him that are good about continuing to feed past six months

1 teething - breastfeeding is like the ace in your pocket for dealing with teething pain and upset - you might as well use it
2 illness - if you breastfeed DS through the winter he will hopefully not get as many colds/infections and this will make everyone's life MUCH better. If he does get sick, breastfeeding will be a massive comfort to him (and both of you, as you'll know he's getting the best nourishment)
3 no new parenting skills - as you say, you have learnt how to feed a baby with breastmilk. feeding with formula is different - you need to know about amounts and have feeds at particular times etc., why learn a whole new way of milk feeding when if you keep going to a year you can just gradually move to cow's milk as you drop feeds?

TBH it sounds like he knows he has issues and is trying not to let them impact on you - just saying "I feel you're getting less comfortable with me doing this as DS gets older, but it's really important to me and I appreciate you not asking me to stop" might fend him off iyswim.

I wonder if men can call breastfeeding helplines?

I'm sort of surprised really. Reading your post, you list some pretty compelling reasons yourself why continuing to bf would be best for you and your son. (without even beginning to touch on the health benefits) You state that bf is pretty important to you. That you want to continue as long as you can.

And then you say you'd stop if your DH wanted you to? You'd forgo the benefits you list, and deny your DS something that is in his best interests and both you and he still want and need? I don't think I could ever make that sacrifice myself. Wouldn't you feel resentful of what you and your son had given up?

I'm sounding judgy, and I apologise. I suppose if it were me I would pre-empt his request to stop. I'd proactively explain my intentions to continue indefinitely and ask him if he could begin to find ways to come to terms with that decision. As in "I AM going to do this, because it is hugely important to me and our son. I love you and understand this is not what you were hoping for, but here are the reasons why. I'm asking you to understand and support me, although I know you are probably disappointed. At some point in the future our DS will no longer be bf and this period of our lives will seem as if it went by in a flash. Please try to come to terms with this decision. It's not forever."

As a grown man, your DH has the ability to reason through his thought processes and overcome his squeamishness for the sake of his son. It's his responsibility to put his son's needs before his own. Your DS cannot present his case for continuing, he is completely dependent upon you to act in his best interests.

Share with him the reasons you've listed here. I hope he listens! Good luck.

But be careful you don't put words in his mouth - you are assuming he wil ask you to stop, he might be stopping himself.

"I feel you're getting less comfortable with me doing this as DS gets older, but it's really important to me and I appreciate you not asking me to stop"

Very good suggested approach from Stealth there I think.

There's is no need to be high handed about this, particularly as it doesn't sound like he is doing so with you.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, and sorry I wasn't around yesterday to read your replies sooner.

SPB, you are right, I probably am putting words in his mouth - him looking forward to me finishing bf is not the same as asking me to stop. I like your suggestions.

skidoodly, you're right, he's not being high-handed with me: he's not that sort of person. However, I do believe strongly that my body belongs to him as well as to me (in the same way that his body is mine as well as his) which is why I wouldn't carry on if he really wanted me to stop (although I would try to persuade him to change his mind before agreeing to it!)

Don't worry, verylittlecarrot, I didn't think you were trying to be judgy.

SPB has a good point about men being able to ring bf helplines - maybe there should be one specifically for men? I do think it is difficult for them to deal with a different perspective on their DWs' bodies. After TTC, a m/c, TTC again, pregnancy, birth and then bf, it's not surprising that DH still feels a bit funny since it's a lot of 'biology' to deal with. His constant refrain has been, "I'm glad I'm not a woman!"

I think paula's suggestion of leaving DS with someone while DH and I do something on our own could help too - we've only done it once so far since he's been born.

Thanks again for the advice, everyone. I feel a lot more positive now.

My DH is similar to yours. I'm still feeding my DD at 18 months and he's really not happy about it.

But I echo what skidoodly says: having given up breastfeeding at 9 months with my DS (and carried on with DD), I can confirm that the ability to magically soothe ANY upset away is not to be underestimated! We both lost lots of sleep when DS was unwell or teething, but DH has hardly noticed DD going through the same, thanks to The Magic Boob.

I gave up BF my son because he was going to nursery and my DH (and his mum) talked me into it. I regretted it bitterly (DS was a brilliant feeder and missed it terribly), thus have chosen to ignore my DH's requests this time. I figure: she'll stop within a year or two and then that's it. Let's just get past the difficult younger years with as much help as we can, eh?

I just don't understand how anyone can think the sexual needs of a grown man can outweigh the nutritional/comforting needs of a small baby/child.

That is what it comes down to. DH wants the absolute best for his DC's and agrees that that involves full term BFing.

Having kids is a massive inconvenience, that's the way it goes.

Rather than spending time worrying about what you will do if he asks you to stop bf, is there anything that would help the underlying problem - his squeamishness with biological functions?

Has this got better through the whole pregnancy/birth/bfing period, or worse?

Its great that he sees all the positive reasons for you to BF.

I'm with Morloth & find it really sad that you would contemplate ending a successful breastfeeding relationship with your baby/that your dh would encourage you to do so because he has issues

Men really aren't like children, or at least they shouldn't be.

I think my DH also talked about 'having me back' at around 6 months. He certainly seemed to be feeling 'pushed out' and as if he no longer had any right to touch my body. He comes from a family in which everybody bottle-fed so was a bit bemused by the breastfeeding thing. At the beginning, he tried hard to be supportive... but now he has finally got used to the idea, he just IS supportive, and it's great.

Breastfeeding is so much more than food, and as Druzhok says, the ability to magically soothe any upset is definitely not to be underestimated. DS is still bf at 21 months and DH now seems really proud of our happy breastfeeding relationship. If DS gets tired or cross , DH brings him to me with a big smile, saying "this child needs a breast and I haven't got any..."

AngelDog, I've just read your post again, and you say twice that you are 'rubbish' at reading signs. I doubt it, you sound like a loving mum - please, please don't be hard on yourself. If breastfeeding is helping you to feel confident as a mother, then that's yet another reason to carry on for as long as you and your DS both want.

"I just don't understand how anyone can think the sexual needs of a grown man can outweigh the nutritional/comforting needs of a small baby/child."

I just don't understand why anyone would be so deliberately obtuse except to make some kind of point about how superior they are

This doesn't "just come down to" a man demanding his wife stop breastfeeding so he can have more sex.

It is not about a man's sexual needs, it is about a human being's emotional needs.

A loving husband is telling his wife he misses her and your response is to essentially call him sexually incontinent and imply that to even give an ear to what he is saying is to countenance neglecting your child.

I don't understand how anyone can think that the best thing you can do for a child is to be cavalier with the feelings of their father.

Refusing to deal with the distance that can be created between a couple when children come is foolish. Such aggressive insistence that the man's desires and feelings are unimportant, and need to be shelved until the woman has time for them again, is cruel and insensitive. It also takes an unnecessary gamble with your child's happiness by risking their chance to grow up in a home with two parents who love each other.

although I agree on some points skidoodly I also would like to point out that the DH has to also accept that his wife is doing whats best for 'their' child and not distance himself from the fact that she is doing something natural and beneficial for them both...it works both ways...my Dh always said he missed me and i in turn missed him...but he also accepted the fact that i wanted to breast-feed my daughters and loved me enough not to pressure me into choosing between them..I also gave him time and attention with my breasts ...I always find it strange when a man/woman is squeamish about biological acts but has no issues with sex...the ultimate biological act surely?

It sounds like the DH does accept that, though. He's allowed to feel pushed out, or sad, or lonely, or resentful. It's good that he's telling his wife in such gentle terms that that is how he feels.

It's helpful that she understands how he feels about her continuing to breastfeed so she can talk to him about it and try to help him feel less like she's inaccessible to him.

I find these posts that pit the father against the child in the way Morloth's did really bizarre and unhealthy.

Hi there, it's a tricky one, you poor thing. My husband has been very supportive of me BF but we've always had a good sex life and being a BF Mum does change the primary purpose of your breasts temporarily and I think my DH is affected by that too. On the plus side, it's great that your DH still desires you as his gorgeous wife and he just wants you back, he's probably feels a bit guilty and conflicted by his own feelings. Maxpower gave you a wonderful reply, I agree with all she said. I think the best thing to do is be completely open with him, tell him how you feel, don't let this become a bigger issue, it sounds like he's needing a tad more attention (tricky for a busy Mum)it can be hard to share! At the end of the day it is a temporary situation, however if you are ready and happy to stop BF now, don't continue for fear of not being able to nurse your LO to sleep because life will be easier for you when you don't have to do that anymore and there are ways to break that habit, but that's another thread!!! Anyway good luck Hon!

Sorry but I'm with Morloth. FGS men - get a grip, it's a few months out of your life. Women have to make adjustments too - that's parenthood.

Breasts are just one part of a woman, doesn't mean the whole sex life has to suffer. Not the end of the world.