Please help feel like I am having a breakdown

[comewhinewithme]

I need to stop BF and I don't know how all I know is it is messing up everything including my health both mental and physical .

DD is one she is so demanding all she wants is breast she is also tiny 17lb Hv is not worried my other dc have all been small but I worry she is not getting anything from my milk.

I weaned at 6 months she hated food we did a mix of BLW and spoonfeeding but everything would be screamed at or hysterical sobbing and clawing at my top.

She has just started to take an interest in food and will have breakfast and instead of offering breast first I offer snacks now which she takes but then screams after for bm and when I say scream I mean does not give up until she gets bm.

She usually wakes up once or twice a night and I feed her but this past few days she has started waking at 1am and wanting to play she screams and babbles really loudly it's a nightmare and she pulls on and off my boob and it is getting really sore she also holds on with her teeth if I try to take her off.

I have had about three hours sleep all weekend I can not cope.

I had to sit and feed her for 4 hours yesterday evening everytime she fell asleep I would put her down and she would wake up.

Last night I woke myself up by screaming (which in turn woke dd up) I know my mental health is getting fucked up if I am having nightmares again.

I have strange thoughts all the time I feel frightened and sad all the time.

Everyone is suffering dp and me ended up rowing last night after he went mad because I woke him and the baby up (ike I have control over dreaming) but his sleep is broken too so who can blame him

My older dc are suffering I shout at them and tell them to go away I don't read to them at bedtime anymore there is no routine.

The baby is suffering I resent her I tell her to shut up but I love her so much but all any of them see me do lately is shout or cry.

I would have expected this from a newborn but she was a dream as a tiny baby I don't know what to do but I don't feel like me anymore.

I am thinking of going cold turkey next week and just cutting her off but then I feel guilty for being cruel.

Please help me.

Sorry for any errors and long post am so tired.

you poor thing
think you need to see your GP
PLease don't let them fob you off with "stop breastfeeding" - stopping may be PART of what you need to do, but it sounds like more will be needed too, and if you are sent away under instructions of stopping, you'll be just as you are now but also under pressure from HCPs.

I told hv about her not liking food much on Tuesday and she told me to keep feeding at night but to put plasters on my nipples during the day and telling her they were broken .

It sounds awful for you. If you want to stop will your DP be supportive?

No real advice I'm afraid just a hug via MN

He will be supportive he has been very supportive from the start (she is the first baby I BF so this is all new for us).

He has said sorry for snapping last night but I can see he is really tired too and he has work tomorrow and she is going to wake up soon.

Thankyou both for been so lovely BTW.

bump

Am going for bath and bed now so not ignoring any replies.

Sounds like you are having a terribe time. Get some support asap from family and from professionals if you can. Maybe it would help to think of it as 2 separate issues, feeding and behaviour. On the feeding side she is benefiting from the milk but doesn't NEED it at one so not giving it to her as regularly wont harm. It sounds like her behaviour is the main problem and she is using milk to get the control she wants. Ds2 is 15 months and would feed constantly if i let him, i recently cut down to bed time and first thing in the morning as i couldn't cope with the day time demands.

yes, the waking (properly) during the night might be as she's developing a new skill...doesn't really help though.

Don't feel guilty if you decide to stop day and/or night time feeds. You could try getting a new bedtime routine started for all your DC to replace it?

Remember that the most important thing is that your DC have a happy mummy

can you call a bf helpline now, as a start?

You are not being cruel - you've done brilliantly to bf to when she's one so if you choose to stop you shouldn't feel bad.

I stopped bf when my ds was 10 months because I felt like I was at the end of my tether too. Lots of very sore biting and I still wasn't getting any more than 3 hours sleep at a time (on a good night). Whereas I had enjoyed the long feeds at the beginning by the end it was just irritating me he was taking so long. I felt really really guilty that I was giving it up because I couldn't cope but you know what after a week or two I felt like a new woman. My ds managed fine with the new regime despite all my guilt.

I hope you find a way through this and feel better soon.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

Would your DP be able to go in if your DD woke in the earlier part of the morning (when she might be more tired) and offer a beaker of water? I found that my breast-obsessed DS dropped the 1am feed before he would drop the 4-5am one.

Other than that, I can't offer much more advice, but I do sympathise completely. I packed in BFing DS2 at about 20mths when I just felt I was being pawed all the time. I am a big fan of BFing but had mixed feelings about it by then as it was definitely affecting his sleeping patterns and I resented having my clothes stretched to buggery as he tried to stick his head under my tops all day long!! In the end I had to go to hospital for a couple of days so we went cold turkey and I had my mum round for a few days afterwards and she stepped in to distract him whenever he got that look in his eye.

FWIW he's a brilliant sleeper now, much better than my other DC.

Remember that this too will pass; sending best wishes.

DD1 stopped BFing when she was about 1 as I was pg and couldn't cope. I distracted her as much as I could during the day with cows milk and snacks and DH spent a couple of nights going in with water in a cup for her. It was tough for a few days but it can work.
I do agree with going to see your GP though, you sounds awfully down.

I agree with the suggestion to see your doc (perhaps not your HV - her idea of plasters and telling a year-old baby breasts are 'broken' is not something that would inspire me, but maybe she is fine on mental health issues).

You do need support and love and TLC - good that your partner is on board with this now.

Meeting a baby's normal needs for comfort and closeness is not to give her 'control'(I am taken aback at jollyma's idea that your little girl's behaviour is a problem and she is using bf to get control and therefore bf should be cut back). Meeting your baby's needs might actually make things better - she is responded to, she gains in confidence and trust, and things calm down. This doesn't mean you can't cut down (or even stop) the bf when things are calmer and more settled and your own needs are met better.

Mothers need caring and love, in order to meet the needs of their babies - so the two of you both have needs and you come as a pair

Weaning from the breast can be done gently and tenderly - can you perhaps see if you can explore doing it this way, before you decide the only way is to stop suddenly?

Above all, though, your GP or some other HCP should be able to discuss treatment to help your own emotional well-being, which is really vital and from what you say, quite urgent. I hope you get good help asap.

Thankyou everyone for the advice you are all lovely.

I do admit I think it is time to go and see a Doctor things have not been going well for a while and I feel a bit like I am on self destruct. I have argued with my dsis who was also my best friend and we are now not talking, I was trying to let her know how down I was feeling but it came out wrong and ended up in a massive row.

DD slept a lot better last night she woke up at 4am and fed until 5am. She went back until 7am and then dp took her down and gave her breakfast and milk.

She has asked for bm but I a trying to distract her until she has a nap which should be midmorning.

If I could only do the morning feed ,naptime feed and bedtime feed I would be happy to carry on it is just the constant pulling and wailing that is getting to me.

Thankyou all again your posts have all helped me a lot when I felt very down last night.

Glad things seem a little better this morning.

It should be perfectly possible to feed your dd only or mainly at those times you suggest. The constant 'pulling and wailing' may well be because she is trying to connect with you and feeling that it's a hard job - babies are sensitive like this and breastfeeding can become very important at sensitive times. When you find your own needs are being listened to by your loved ones, and you can see light at the end of the tunnel, you can become more 'available', on your terms, to her. She will cope with being bf just those times, because she knows things are ok the rest of the time

Comehinewithme - I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it at the moment. Please see the Dr and don't be fobbed off with weaning. The bfing behaviour most likely isn't the trigger for your current feelings but rather a symptom of them. You sound like you really need someone to take care of you. Could your DH talk to your sister for you and explain?

I've have MH problems (PND/OCD). I have found the deeper I have got into them and thus the more distant and unavailable I am the more demanding of my attention my DC are.

When DD1 (4.3 y/o) was bfing (til 3.6 y/o) that took the form of begging for feeds but when she weaned it then became begging for books/colouring in with her/sitting on my lap/etc.

With DD2 (2.7 y/o), who is still bfing, if I am having a rough day she goes from being only interested every few days to asking a few times a day.

DD3 (8 m/o) also becomes very unsettled and feeds more often.

It seems then sense when you withdraw emotionally and up their 'demands' of you to compensate. I don't mean they are doing this deliberately or to be manipulative but as a genuine psychological need to grab on to you and bring you back to them.

In a baby as young as yours that is bfing it would be the logical choice if mum is withdrawing/being distant/angry/irritable that baby would want to keep maintaining the closeness of bfing. It would provide reassurance to baby that mum isn't abandoning them and that she is still 'there' for them.

Is there anyone who can help with your older children or are they back at school today? I know it's probably the last thing you want to do but sometimes I found 'lovebombing' the DCs with attention/bfeeds (as appropriate) made them less anxious and therefore less clingy and needy. It usually only took a day or two before equilibrium was reached and we all went back to normal. I could then work on my needs and they would be happier for me to be a bit more self involved .

Un-MNy ((hugs)) and a good luck at drs.

Thankyou Tiktok and Truthsweet.

I have felt a lot more chilled this morning and dd has reacted the same way I ended up giving her a feed but it was only a short one and then she had another one about 20 mins ago and is now napping.

TS I don't know if dsis will listen to me or dp a lot has been said on both sides I just miss her so much and I think I am a tiny bit upset/hurt because she had PND 5 years ago and I helped and supported her through it I just feel very alone apart from dp who is lovely but I don't think he realises how bad it is some days.

The dc are back at school today so I only have the baby and 4 year old dd we have had fun this morning reading and playing.

They do play up more when I am stressed or distant I like the idea of love -bombing them they are all such lovely dc I feel like I don't deserve them some days.

Thanks for the hugs and advice.

I'm off out now but still thinking of ways to help. Words on a screen I know but you do have people rooting for you. x

Thankyou TS that is nice to know.

CWWM - how was your day? Are things looking a little better?

I had few ideas for coping with the constant demands (hopefully they are helpful not laughable):-

After older children are at school have a bed picnic day. This involves a coolbag with sandwiches, cocktail sausages, cheese strings, grapes or whatever snacky things the DC like, cartons of drink, DVDs/books/puzzles, dolls/teddies and a big blanket. Drag everything upstairs and cuddle, read books (both for the DCs and for yourself), tickle fights, paint toenails (your's and their's) and just be close. I found this one quite good on a rainy day

Have a timer and set it for 20 mins (or whatever) so 4y/o gets 20 mins of puzzles then mummy gets 20 mins of no nagging for attention. Great for when you are really at end of your tether.

Try starting nursing manners with baby. I don't allow pulling on clothes, biting/poking/hitting whilst feeding, screaming for 'bah', say please, no 'mugging' etc. From the age of 1 I start gently and gradually instilling these manners. Obviously I would relax these for instances of injury/illnesses. It doesn't take too long for baby being told 'no' and removed from the breast each time they bite/pinch/whatever you don't like for them to get it. It can weight the nursing relationship a bit more equally so it's not all about baby, you get a say too!

Limiting length of feeds not quantity - give baby as many feeds as she wants but have a fixed time limit. Depending on her age (I'm know you said she's 1 but is that 12 m/o or more like 20 m/o?) you could put a limit on all feeds or just on the one's which make you the most stressed.
I found that limiting DD1's bedtime feed was the one that really helped. We started with a duration of 3 small books and ended up with a feed to The Very Hungry Caterpillar some weeks later (around 14 m/o to 16m/o IIRC). I was 1st trimester pg with DD2 at the time.
DD2's feeds are still all limited (hangover from DD3's pg) but I didn't bother with books/rhymes/songs - I just say 'All done now' and she finishes up with out complaint. Just asks for the other side though she always has to have 'this side bah'!

I could blether for England couldn't I? Sorry.....

Truthsweet i like your 'nursing manners' and this was what i mean when i talk about control. Personally i find the nagging and clothes pulling that you can get from an older baby exhausting and i couldn't cope with it. That said i am sensitive to when my ds's have been needy or poorly and will make exception where necessary.

Comewhine, you are doing a fantastic job bf this long and however you end up dealing with your situation you should be proud.

Truthsweet thankyou for your lovely post we had a good day yesterday I managed to spend some time with them all.

Bad nights sleep though she woke up at 11.30 and fed until 3.30 then was up again at 6am .

The ideas are great I love the coolbag idea and will be using it.

DD is just one I have started saying "That's enough" but she just gets so tearful I don't know but we are taking small steps and distracting a lot.

Going to have a quiet day and hopefully a chilled one thankyou again TS you are a massive help.

Thankyou too Jollyma.