Please help feel like I am having a breakdown

[comewhinewithme]

I need to stop BF and I don't know how all I know is it is messing up everything including my health both mental and physical .

DD is one she is so demanding all she wants is breast she is also tiny 17lb Hv is not worried my other dc have all been small but I worry she is not getting anything from my milk.

I weaned at 6 months she hated food we did a mix of BLW and spoonfeeding but everything would be screamed at or hysterical sobbing and clawing at my top.

She has just started to take an interest in food and will have breakfast and instead of offering breast first I offer snacks now which she takes but then screams after for bm and when I say scream I mean does not give up until she gets bm.

She usually wakes up once or twice a night and I feed her but this past few days she has started waking at 1am and wanting to play she screams and babbles really loudly it's a nightmare and she pulls on and off my boob and it is getting really sore she also holds on with her teeth if I try to take her off.

I have had about three hours sleep all weekend I can not cope.

I had to sit and feed her for 4 hours yesterday evening everytime she fell asleep I would put her down and she would wake up.

Last night I woke myself up by screaming (which in turn woke dd up) I know my mental health is getting fucked up if I am having nightmares again.

I have strange thoughts all the time I feel frightened and sad all the time.

Everyone is suffering dp and me ended up rowing last night after he went mad because I woke him and the baby up (ike I have control over dreaming) but his sleep is broken too so who can blame him

My older dc are suffering I shout at them and tell them to go away I don't read to them at bedtime anymore there is no routine.

The baby is suffering I resent her I tell her to shut up but I love her so much but all any of them see me do lately is shout or cry.

I would have expected this from a newborn but she was a dream as a tiny baby I don't know what to do but I don't feel like me anymore.

I am thinking of going cold turkey next week and just cutting her off but then I feel guilty for being cruel.

Please help me.

Jollyma - I'm pleased someone other than me can understand my thought processes!

CWWM - glad you had a good day yesterday. Hang on to that memory. It can feel like you've had only shitty times recently but don't forget the good days in the haze of the crappy ones . It's a gradual process not a quick one but this too shall pass.

BTW I read back my suggestions and I sound like a total control freak! I'm not really, it's I feel as DCs get older they need to understand life is give and take and that includes 'Bah'! I do believe in 'mothering at the breast' as a quick feed can solve a multitude of problems from emotional distress to hunger to tiredness in newborns and children but it's a nursing relationship, I'm not a mechanical milk dispenser!

Of course I nurse on demand for babies under a year but then mostly nurse on demand for 1-2 y/os and move on to nursing on demand if asked nicely for toddlers! I've been mugged before and it's not on .

I think it benefits children to nurse for longer with compromises in the way they nurse in the toddler years than for them to be nursed on demand for X time and then cut off cold turkey when mum starts getting to feel crowded by the child's needs.

Weaning is part of growing up and as milk is replaced by solids so is the idea that baby as centre of the universe replaced by the realisation that others' needs are important too.

Argh more waffle.

Not waffle truthsweet, I agree again. There has been a point for me at around a year with both mine where nursing on demand just didn't work anymore and I felt it needed to become a more co-operative arrangement. For ds2 this meant cutting out daytime feeds but i could be much more flexible with ds1 as he was more easy going. Every baby and mum is different.

Have you been able to think about your ideal set up CWWM?