Warning-emotional post. Is it normal to be manhandled when trying to BF for the first time?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

As the title says, I tried to BF DC4 as all the other 3 were FF. I've always been very shy and would never be able to feed in public etc. BF itself was never going to be easy emotionaly for me after being assaulted when younger, if you can get the picture.
The nurse who tried to help me, literally just grabbed my boob and shoved it into DC4's mouth. I could have cried, I felt as if I'd been violated again and immediately felt my self drawing back from DC4. I managed a 5 min feed, but as soon as DH returned to the room I burst into tears and asked for a bottle for DC4.
I'm due DC5 in 4-5 weeks and would really like to give BF a go again. However i can't bear the thought of being grabbed like that again, it really didn't help the bonding process.
Is it normal practice for the nurses/midwifes to just shove it in so to speak, or should they have let me try and give verbal advice as needed?

a MW should not do that

grabbing and shoving is not the way to get a baby to latch on and can actually stop the baby feeding as well as making you feel awful

they should offer advice and not touch you unless they have ok'ayed it with you

i remember a lovely MW helping me hand express colostrum for DS as i was too exhausted to feed him myself - it wasn't invasive at all, just helpful as it was done in a nice way

It happened to me on both children. Quite alarming but it didn't have an effect on me. I guess you have to be up front when asking for advice about how much physical contact you want.

That was my experience, I'm afraid. I suggest you ask for something to be put on your notes. And when you ask for help latching on, ask them to talk it through as you don't want to be touched. And keep saying it.

Sorry to hear of your experiences.

you were violated and assaulted as your feelings told you.

they should never ever touch your breasts or your baby without asking your consent at first.

try to find a breastfeeding group in your area and meet the coordinator. you will also meet mums at various stages of breastfeeding and they will be your guide and support in the long run.

you can also call a breastfeeding helpline now and talk over your past experiences and current fears.

others will come along and give you more ideas. best of luck.

mumsnet has helped loads of mums like yourself to feed successfully so you can always come back here for info, help and support.

What Shaz10 said.

They're not supposed to 'grab and shove' but unfortunately it does seem to be a regular occurence in some hospitals - whether it's down to time/staffing/poor training I don't know, but if you are able to make yourself clear (either in your notes or in person) then hopefully the MWs helping you will be more sympathetic.

I guess you have the advantage, this time around, of knowing this might happen and being able to pre-empt it.

I had to beg them to touch me and help me out in a physical way. My midwives said they weren't allowed unless the mother asked them to.

Them actually doing it for me was a massive help.

Good luck

Yes I had similar experience and wAs upset enough to ring dh sobbing at 2am as wanted to go home. Post natal mw was much better and explained/ told me what she was going to do.so can imagine it was very distressing given your
history. The notes thing is a goo d idea - make sure it's in nice big letters pref on front and in notes.

it is good practice to not touch the mum and baby because simply when they go home they will have to be able to do it on their own entirely.

if at first a mum asks for physical help then ok, but the midwives need to constantly practice giving mums help without touching them.

They shouldn't, but grab and shove is depressingly common.

A couple of tips to think about:

• put that you don't want to be touched on your breasts at the top of your birth plan (even if it's the only item on your plan by DC5!). The midwife who delivers your baby should then stand at least a chance of taking it in in advance.

• Then, get your DH to speak to the midwife during labour and specifically say that to her. Ask for it to be put in your notes.

• At a practical level, get into a nursing bra as soon as you can. Far harder to grab and shove when you've got to unclip!

Thanks everyone. Think I'll definitely put something in my plan. I'm adamant about no pain relief apart from gas & air, as I was last time, so this can be added as well.
I scared about it this time and I know it's not going to be easy for me, tbh i can't even imagine feeding in front of DH. I'll have to coop myself up alone to start with.
It's a wonder I ever mananaged to conceive 5 DC's.
The nurse who did it last time wasn't even the one who delivered DC4, she just wandered in, started tidying up then came over to 'help'. So not even a rapport with me. I'll definitely have to be stronger this time. She just took me by surprise and I was completely in shock.

Can yuo see a breastfeeding councellor and explain to her your siutation before hand - if she seems unsympathetic with just a chat, you know not to see her.

Good luck - 5 DC wow!

Another one here who was 'grabbed and shoved'. When I had DD I had a full night of this as she wasn't latching and after them repeatedly doing this they just huffed 'well, she'll do it when she's hungry enough. She's just messing about.' Erm, right, 'cos a new born is more interested in messing me about than getting fed!

Had it when I was discharged, too from the community MWs, but was now used to it and just let them get on with it (was as if I wasn't attached to my breasts by this point!). Didn't help one bit and in the end it was perseverance from me and skin to skin contact that finally paid off.

That was my experience with DS1 and i blame the midwives for my failure to BF. I got distressed so DS1 got distressed, it was a viscious circle that the MWs perpetuated.

With DS2 I actually told them to bugger off and leave me alone and no, my norks are my property. DS2 BF for a year.

Some MW don't have a bloody clue about breastfeeding and IMO it is a disgrace.

Yep, I had it too - I think every mw in the hospital copped a feel at one point (dd had latching issues from being a sunroof baby). Many of them asked first, some didn't. If you don't like it, stand your ground and make it clear when anyone even looks in your direction when you are about to feed. Your boobs, your choice. It helped me, but I am not shy about it (and such a long and unplanned birth meant that the world had seen everything I had to offer anyway - my boobs could have been my elbow by then I cared so little!) But I think it is only polite to ask anyway.
Congrats by the way, and good luck.

as ladyem said, right after delivery, put dd on your chest for a lot of skin to skin contact. Most babies can find their own way to the breast and latch on without much help at all. It helps if you were not loaded with drugs and the birth is fairly straightforward.

this video gives a good explanation and demonstration of breast crawl which is also known as biological nurturing. Babies are born to do this and retain the instinct for it for at least 6 weeks.

Yes, unfortunately it is normal .

After giving birth to DS, I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed. Unfortunately, the midwifes in the hospital weren't very supportive, which came as something as a suprise as at all the antenatal appointments and parenting classes they banged on about how good/important it was for mother and baby.

Anyway, a midwife came in and told me I had to feed my baby. I told her I would breastfeed him when he woke. She said no. She woke him up and asked me to pick a formula. I burst out in tears and pleaded with her to let me breastfeed. She wouldn't let me. She had another nurse come and take my baby and feed him formula.

To cut a long story short (I could go on as it was a VERY traumatic experience and many other things happened during my stay), when my husband returned to hospital we pleaded with the matron to let me breastfeed. We were greeted with a angry/unhappy face. She lifted up my top and very painfully squeezed my left breast, she collected the colostrum/milk in a syringe and then had someone feed it to my baby. The point of this completely escapes me - it's hardly breastfeeding.

Once they let me out - 3 days later when I had an uncomplicated labour/birth, I breastfed DS at every opportunity. 1 month later, although I still continued to breastfeed, I had to combine this with formula - the midwifes were concerned that DS was losing weight and were threatening to admit him to hospital.

Is it any wonder I never bonded with my son and suffered 7 months of PND.

I'm so sorry OP. No mother should have to go through that.

Similar to my experience too. But I was quite happy with the no nonsense of it, as I guess I was feeling pretty pathetic about it myself.

I had a hand shaped bruise on one boob I was manhandled so hard.

Nobody can take your baby and feed them formula were you immobile after a C section ? Why/how did that happen ?

Oh they did millymollymoo.

I had an episiotomy, that was it. I'd love to know why it happened also. Seems I'm not alone though.

Very bad experience.

I got talked into giving son a bottle when I was having trouble feeding on the first night (C section). The midwife gave me options - hand expressing (tried with little success), then she suggested a heel prick to test his sugar levels. When I said I wanted to try that, she said she thought it was unnecessary to put him through that. She then suggested a bottle. In my drugged up, exhausted and emotional state I said "I just want him fed" and agreed to a bottle. In a way that was forcing me into it.

Fiveis - so sorry to hear about your experience. Sadly, it doens't shock me - it happens a lot. It is assault and it is unnecessary.

Lately we have discovered that babies are bery good at breastfeeding if we just leave them to it. They often don't need much help, let alone having a breast thrust at them by a third party. They need to be left tummy-to-tummy on mum - preferably with you leaning back, maybe in a comfy chair or sofa.

You can find out more about it here:
www.biologicalnurturing.com/

good luck this time round!

Crickey, none of mine fed until day three when the milk came in, nobody even offered me a bottle which was fine because they didn't need it.
I think I would have walked out if anybody had told me to pick a formula. I honestly don't know how these things happen I've never been so bolshy assertive in my life than the first year after my baby's arrived.

Is the heel prick test optional?

If it is, they didn't ask me, they just did it - twice because they wrongly thought I had diabetes. They thought this because I take metformin, but metformin is also licensed for PCOS.

Throughout pregnancy and after I gave birth, I stressed that I did not have diabetes.

shaz10 they waited until my DH left and whilst I was tired and emotional to bully me into giving DS formula.

Why, why, why isn't something done about this behavour, when it has such a negative effect on the mother.

Everything is optional, midwifes and nurses are made out to be bloody angels from above and yet it would seem there are plenty of examples where they are nothing but bullies.
It makes me so cross, the baby doesn't need milk until the milk is in, day three.